So Far Down the Rabbit Hole (a memory)

 

 Every so often something happens - or a memory reawakens - and I realize how far down the rabbit hole I went when I was doing the sub/slave thing.  

For some unknown reason I had a memory last week........ it was SO bad ... totally squeaked me out - that I tried to bury it down deep....... so deep I wouldn't have to look at it.   Of course it didn't work - in my experience once a bad memory sees the light of day - it's here to stay and needs to be dealt with............ 

This particular memory involves a past Dominant and my eldest daughter.  At the time my eldest was starting to be involved in the BDSM community - as a Domme.  We took her under our wing to guide her and I wanted to make sure she was safe (yes even Dommes need to be safe) 

I was remembering the inappropriate the things this Dominant said - and implied - to eldest daughter......... like one time when he was taking photos of her in fet garb for Fetlife...... and we were downstairs in my dungeon.  He kept pushing her to use the flogger on my ass.  At that time I remember thinking he was just joking around........

BUT he didn't stop there........... even knowing how I felt about it he continued to suggest / imply how he wanted to see her play with me..... pushing hard ....... it made me uncomfortable - BUT he was my Dominant how could I argue .. how could I not want to do this to please him?!!!! 

That's how far down the rabbit hole I had gone....... today it makes me sick to my stomach... I should have kicked his ass to the curb the very first time he wanted to see us play together......... OMG!!!  it makes me ashamed to think I let this go on ......... she never did play with me - but I am angry with myself for not taking a stand..... how I let him compromise my principals!

I broke the silence this weekend when I shared this with Sir Steve.  I suppose in a way he wasn't all that surprised - he never did trust this man's ability to dominate anything... 

This was definitely not one of my proudest moments............ and is just another reason I will never go back to being the blind submissive I was........