know the expression - "it's not easy being green"??? I think of motherhood that way - it's not always easy and sometimes it's damn hard!!
BUT then something happens and you realize it was all worth it... I was thinking about how much I enjoy spending time with eldest daughter - now. It wasn't always so.... mostly during her growing up years she and I were at logger heads...there were days I despaired of ever liking her. PLEASE NOTE - I always loved her -- just didn't much like her behaviours.
Then she found her husband... and then I found Sir Steve ... and our relationship took a turn for the better. Now she is like my best friend....... OH the topics we discuss on our weekends together in the country!! The laughter!! and yeah occasionally tears.
BUT she does like to reminisce about growing up with me as her mother......... and those memories always make me feel like the worst mother E V E R !!! Some days I despair that she only remembers the bad times and never the fun times....... she insists the bad times are what made her the independent strong woman she is today......... which is good ........ but ya know just once in a while I'd love to hear her remember the fun times..........
I never thought - not once - that I would be a mother again.... not at my age. BUT there was Sir Steve and his lil one. It hasn't been an easy job to form this family. I remember the first time I spent the weekend here with him and the lil one. She clearly didn't want me sleeping in her father's bed.... it was a big deal for her ... she wanted me to sleep in the guest room... on the sofa.. anywhere but with her daddy. I remember waking up early the next morning - feeling as though someone was watching me...... lifted my head and squinted out the bedroom door ......... and nearly freaked!! The lil one was sitting - in the dark - in the living room (which is directly across the hall from our bedroom) arms folded across her chest watching us sleep!!
We've come a long way from those first days. Yesterday she and I were having our 'snack/recess' outside on the deck and we were just chatting. She looked at me and said "you make me smile S" - that warmed my heart. I said 'yeah but I can be the mean wicked stepmother too!' She said something about "my look" - that made me smile - it's been called my 'teacher' look by some. AND my girls always talk about "Mom's look". The lil one went on to say ' you know S - the look with a CAPITAL T - a BIG T!!! Daddy has one too - but his look has a GIGANTIC T!! ' I couldn't believe it - a GIGANTIC T??!! So I asked her - 'whose T is bigger?' She didn't miss a beat and said 'Daddy's T of course!!'
Life is VERY good when you no longer have the WORST look!!