Sunday Sentiments

Happy Camper

(not our trailer)

The lil one and I moved the last of the 'stuff' up to the trailer yesterday - we organised her bedroom and then she toddled off to mom's trailer for a week (in the summer we do one week on one week off custody)  She did say to me though that she wished she could stay - or come back on Monday - I reminded her that it was summer ..... so... one week on one week off was what we do...... 

Then I set up the bathroom and got the kitchen organised and put all my clothes in the wardrobe in our bedroom. (Sir Steve brought his suitcase up after work and we got all his stuff into the drawers)  Everything fit!!  with some room to spare .. AND it looks amazing!! My stress levels dropped !  

My eldest daughter and son in law came up in the afternoon (they are on holidays for a week) and they came and spent the afternoon with me ........ it was glorious!!  

BUT the best part........ even better than the neat and tidy trailer

Last evening we were sitting around the fire and I said some cheeky thing to Sir Steve (can't even remember what) and when I turned to look at him he was giving me THAT look!!  and he said ' I still have my belt on you know' !  My heart skipped a beat and my knees went weak ....... ohhhhhhhhh this could be a GREAT summer!!!

(ohhhhhhhhhh and guess what??? guess !!! guess!!!
I actually slept for 7 hours last night for the first time in god only knows how long!!)

Summer time and the living is easy..............

 

Packing up

Today we officially move to the campgrounds for the summer........ and yeah I do believe I look just like that (pic above)........ 

YAY for summer vacation!

THE discussion

Well -- we kinda sort of had a discussion last evening..... 

Sir Steve and I were talking about something (at the moment I have no idea what it was) and I said 'you haven't read my blog have you?' (just a little passive/aggressive) 
He said 'not yet' ....... to which I said 'well you probably should and I should probably run and hide'.  (just a wee bit more passive/aggressive) 

Turns out Sir Steve was putting up with my crankiness cause he figured it was mostly caused by my withdrawals ..... AND he wanted to support me ...... I filled up with tears and explained that his trying to protect me etc had actually just made things worse.. I needed to be reminded that I was still responsible for my behaviour -- for my mouth! AND not being reminded just kinda / sort of made me feel more fragile.

Later on I kinda threw out there that I needed a spanking to help my equilibrium and he said over his shoulder that he had read that bit........ 

So now the ball is in his court -- he will spank me if when he feels like it.. which is a good thing... and I will be more aware of my emotions and especially my mouth... 

We established I am not as fragile as he thought (you were right about that one Roz - grinning)  

Soooooooooo we sort of / kinda had THE discussion - here's to life returning to quasi normal......... 

Expectations

I read all your comments on my last entry -- Dismayed -- with much thought and a whole lot of appreciation!  I spent a good part of yesterday visualizing what the 'talk' with Sir Steve could look like -- about wanting him to spank me - take me in hand.  And I was almost comfortable with the idea .........

BUT

then I thought I do not want him spanking me for me ..... I want him to do it because *HE* wants to...... otherwise I won't enjoy it -- it won't accomplish what I hope for..... and I realized I can't talk to him - won't talk to him.

It made me feel sad inside -- but it is what it is ya know?  

Then I took a close look at what we had 10 years ago......(what I am basing this time 'round on)  the spankings... the playing... all of it.  Sir Steve was with another partner back then...... a dominant woman who wanted to play every weekend all weekend.  I got caught up in that whirlwind and loved it....... OH we did vanilla stuff -- but mostly that relationship was based on play -- and on being seen -- and being out there.  Sir Steve's partner thrived on the being seen -- on being in the limelight.  I never really thought about how Sir Steve felt about that......... now I think with me he has lost the limelight -- loss the glamour ya know??  And maybe all the BDSM that was back then -- was only in public -- only for show -- and not something that translates easily for him to private.

So that's where everything sits right now......... my expectations based on a false reality from 10 years ago -- which is not to say that life isn't good cause it is!  It's loving and caring and the best I have had in a long long time.......... I just need to put the expectations where they belong.......... in the realm of fantasy.

 

Dismayed

The weather was good for our weekend - sunny and temperatures just right!  not too hot not too cold and best of all NO rain.

Our dinner party in the woods went off without a hitch (well not much of a hitch - Sir Steve forgot to bring the big table from work -- but neighbours at the campsite loaned us their big table)  AND despite my anxiety about having to make polite small talk with 10 people I didn't know I think I pulled it off.......... 

Until Sunday.

We were visiting with eldest daughter and son in law (they camp kitty corner to us - if you didn't know) and I said something to the effect of having done ok with the party despite being on my 7th night of hardly any sleep -- and the emotional crap I'm dealing with.  Sir Steve made a face and when I pushed him he said something about my being cranky.  

My brain went CRANKY???? I've been cranky??!!!  and why didn't I know it??!!!  Then of course I had to over think it.... and I saw how often I had been cranky -- how cranky I had been and I felt sick!!!

I don't know why he didn't point it out ya know?? why he didn't say 'Enough'!  why he didn't slap me upside the head - over the ass -- over the ass is such a good idea.... why didn't he DO something??!!  I think he's being overly protective? understanding? something!  about these damn withdrawals.  I don't need coddling ya know? I need someone to be strong and help me stop it!!!  ohhhhhhhhhh damn -- I say that then I think 'I'm a big girl now and shouldn't need someone to help me deal with it'  I should be handling it myself -- better than I am for sure!

And then I wonder if we even have any remnant of BDSM left in our relationship...... and I wonder why in every relationship I have ever had the BDSM just seems to peter out ya know........ and it makes me sad.

BUT is this sad feeling a reality or just the mind twists of the withdrawal......... I wonder if I will ever know ..............
 

Sunday Sentiments

Almost.........

For the last - I don't know - 6 weeks or so - I have been keeping up with 2 households... the one in the city and the one in the country.  It's exhausting - honest!  And every Friday I pack up what we need in the country for the weekend - load up the car and head to the trailer.  On Sunday I reverse that and head back to the city.

BUT

We are down to the finish line.  Next Friday we move to the country for the summer!   I can not wait !! 

However before I get to the finish line - I have one more 'hurdle' to get over.  This weekend Sir Steve has invited 10 friends to the trailer for a barbeque on Saturday.  10 people!  plus us... plus the lil one!
AND being us we can't just do hot dogs and hamburgers Noooooooo we are doing flank steak and baked potatoes and salad..... plus appetizers before and a fancy dessert.  

I think I set the bar a bit high when I did Sir Steve's 50th birthday at the trailer 2 years ago...... 4 course dinner ....... yeah I don't know the meaning of 'camp food'.

Life is good when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel........

and the award goes to..........

written tongue in cheek

 

I believe this was the 5th weekend of rain at the campsite -- 10 days of rain!  We have had one weekend of sunshine and some warmth -- but for the most part it has been rainy cold and damp.

I am a 'fair weather camper'.  As I pointed out to Sir Steve on a couple of occasions over this start to camping season...... fair weather camper!  and this is NOT fair weather.

Then of course I had that delightful (NOT) allergy reaction to black fly bites... the worst is over but the ankle is still scabby and pinkish and now because it is healing it's itching like mad! 

Fair weather camper I say!

Then there have been a couple of glitches with the trailer....
the city water connection that was broken and caused water leakage in the trailer......... 
the hot water tank that is leaking and doesn't give us consistent hot water
an awning that leaks when it rains (did I mention it has rained for 10 days?!)

 On the bright side......... 
we've had a campfire nearly every weekend (between the rain drops) 
we've had some delicious barbecues
we've had some great naps and even better sex


Life is good when you convince yourself you won the girlfriend of the year award!
 
 

Biggest Fear

There's little or nor logic going on in my brain right now... I just know I want to be strong for Sir Steve ... I don't want to be so damn needy.... he needs me to be strong... I want to be strong... but all I want to do is cry - curl up in a ball and cry.  

I am limping through my days (emotionally limping) ..... and when he comes home I smile and pretend I'm ok.. maybe if I pretend hard enough it will be true?? maybe if I work hard enough at it it will happen???

I am so scared Sir Steve's gonna get fed up with me -- tired of this crap -- have second thoughts ya know?  

So very scared I am gonna fail him............

So..........

I had a mini meltdown yesterday.... had visions of my foot swelling up and falling off (so to speak) so I called my doctor.

God bless that man...... his nurse said come right away and we'll fit you in... I called Sir Steve in tears and told him he would have to come home for the lil one's bus cause I had to go to the doctor. 

When I got to the doctor's (about an hours drive) I didn't have to wait too long and the doctor came in to the examining room almost immediately .... I could barely talk to him for crying..... he looked at the ankle .. and said "maybe cellulitis .. maybe not"  He gave me 2 prescriptions for allergy meds and one for an antibiotic that I was only to fill if it got worse and I ran a fever.

Then he pushed his chair back and talked to me about the withdrawals.  He told me more than once how proud he was of me... how this withdrawal is actually harder than withdrawing from narcotics.... he told me to hang in .. he said all the right words.. including telling me that he was gonna keep checking up on me.... and that though this time might be longer and more difficult it would get better.

It was amazing how much better my ankle felt on the drive home..... and today the swelling is down and the blisters aren't oozing as badly.  And though my muscles still ache -- and the nausea comes and goes my head is clearer ........ 

So.......... life is improving and that is a good thing!

Hanging on......

I'm on day 8 of withdrawals -- I'd love to say it's getting better -- but it's not.  

And as if I didn't have enough to deal with -- the powers that be decided to hit me with more........... 

We were at the campsite this weekend and I got bitten by a black fly.  Well I am guessing it was a black fly....... I went through this 2 years ago so I am making an educated guess.

Saturday my right ankle was burning and itching....... by Saturday night it was all swollen and painful to walk on...... by bedtime Saturday night the ankle was blistered and swollen -- and redness spread half way up my calf........

Sunday I spent most of the day sitting with the foot elevated -- putting ice on it.. taking Benadryl and smearing Benadryl cream on the ankle and hanging on by my finger tips I was so close to caving.......... it just seemed more than I could handle ya know?

This morning the swelling is way down...... the blisters are oozing (so sexy!) .... and the redness is localized.  So - on the mend.

No Good

Today was a ' terrible no good very bad day' 

AND as Alexander's mom said 'some days are like that - even in Australia'.