The weather was good for our weekend - sunny and temperatures just right! not too hot not too cold and best of all NO rain.
Our dinner party in the woods went off without a hitch (well not much of a hitch - Sir Steve forgot to bring the big table from work -- but neighbours at the campsite loaned us their big table) AND despite my anxiety about having to make polite small talk with 10 people I didn't know I think I pulled it off..........
Until Sunday.
We were visiting with eldest daughter and son in law (they camp kitty corner to us - if you didn't know) and I said something to the effect of having done ok with the party despite being on my 7th night of hardly any sleep -- and the emotional crap I'm dealing with. Sir Steve made a face and when I pushed him he said something about my being cranky.
My brain went CRANKY???? I've been cranky??!!! and why didn't I know it??!!! Then of course I had to over think it.... and I saw how often I had been cranky -- how cranky I had been and I felt sick!!!
I don't know why he didn't point it out ya know?? why he didn't say 'Enough'! why he didn't slap me upside the head - over the ass -- over the ass is such a good idea.... why didn't he DO something??!! I think he's being overly protective? understanding? something! about these damn withdrawals. I don't need coddling ya know? I need someone to be strong and help me stop it!!! ohhhhhhhhhh damn -- I say that then I think 'I'm a big girl now and shouldn't need someone to help me deal with it' I should be handling it myself -- better than I am for sure!
And then I wonder if we even have any remnant of BDSM left in our relationship...... and I wonder why in every relationship I have ever had the BDSM just seems to peter out ya know........ and it makes me sad.
BUT is this sad feeling a reality or just the mind twists of the withdrawal......... I wonder if I will ever know ..............
Oh my....some day I would love it if we could change brains....then we might both so how useless all the negative self talk is. I think part of it is aging...and we worry...how can he be still attracted to me, I seem more forgetful...what is happening to me...he would be smart to find someone skinnier, sexier, younger..etc. And all of these are my thoughts...altho I am guessing we share some of the same ones. We both have men on our lives who have proven that they are not looking..not for an out or for anyone else.....hang in there...but know you are not alone. You have been through a lot, healthwise and the withdrawing, and the little one, you are handling it...and your Sir is by your side.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I think you should talk to Sir Steve about this, Morningstar ... about how you would prefer him, if he thinks you're cranky or out of line, to step in and sort you out ... with his hand on your behind :)) ... you might find he doesn't know your thoughts ... Willie has a line where she says "DD needs D/s but D/s (ergo BDSM) doesn't need DD" ... maybe its time to put a little DD in your BDSM :)) ... it works for us ... nj ... xx
ReplyDeleteI agree with Norajean. You need to talk to Sir Steve. Keep in mind, you have been dealing with a LOT, so give yourself a little break. Ask Sir Steve to help you if you are cranky. And BTW,we ALL need help. Life would be boring without someone to help you through life.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Boo
Hi Morningstar, I agree with NJ also. Let Sir Steve know what you need. We all need support at times. Lean on him when you need. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Another one saying to talk to Sir Steve. I think this all hinges on 'cranky' amd how you each define it. As others have said you've been through a lot with everything, and a certain amount of grumpiness is to be expected. Noone, going through what you're going through, is going to be a ray of sunshine, ever! Obviously there are limits to that, limtis to what is acceptable, and clearly, for you, being 'cranky' is over that limit, but Sir Steve may not see it that way. The reason I'm saying all this is that we have a similar term that we use between us - 'grumpy'. Neither of us are morning people, so when we get up, we beeline for the coffee and stay out of each others' way as much as we can because we're not going to be very pleasant company till we've woken up. And we're okay with that with each other. But there's still a line, and if either of us step over it into properly bad-temperedness or misery, the other will call them out on it. And I wonder if Sir Steve's 'cranky' is like our 'grumpy' - that's not coddling, that's just recognising that people are human and giving them leeway.
ReplyDeleteBut the only way to know for sure is to ask him.
Hope it happens soon! :) xx
Morningstar, I have to agree with the others, talk to Sir Steve, tell him how you're feeling. Get his support, we all need support at times.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx