Overthinking

A while back Hands said to me "I don't tend to overthink things -- analyze things too much" and I remember sighing ........... 

cause the one thing I do really really well is overthink things -- analyze every small minute detail to death.

Not only do I overthink/over analyze things -- I then worry myself to death.  

Yesterday I was thinking/stewing -- and suddenly I heard Hand's voice saying "don't overthink".  Funny thing is I realized in that moment -- that he is not the first male to tell me that.  In fact I think every male that has ever passed through my life has told me the exact same thing.

Funnier thing -- I don't think I have ever had a woman tell me I overthink things.

Sooooooooo 

is it a woman thing -- this overthinking/analyzing ??? 

And if it isn't a woman thing -- someone know how to stop this overthinking??? cause boy oh boy I could use an off switch.

Definition

I don't have a post ready for today -- but this pretty much sums up what's rolling around in my head..........

More Authentic Me

I have had another revelation?? epiphany?? I don't know what to call it -- but I am doing the happy dance all over the place.

It started last spring when Angel talked me into trying on a size 14 sundress.  I have bought and worn size 14/16 all summer long and didn't see any difference.

I did know I had to buy new winter clothes cause last year's clothes were size 22 (yeah I have lost that much weight!) and literally fall off of me.  I have been reluctant to shop -- still struggling with sizing and my reflection.  

Then - I don't even really know when it happened - but I saw an indent where my waist is... I felt hip bones I didn't even know I had.  And just like that size 14/16 meant something!

I ordered some winter clothes yesterday -- and did a happy dance all day long........ 

 








 

and under this one -- these leggings

and for anyone interested -- the voices didn't say a word -- not one word!

Labels

I have been working on those inner voices for a long time.... but ya know -- there was something oddly comforting about them.  They have been around for a long time.  And for the most part they weren't interfering with my every day life.  Oh they did hold me back from finding the 'real' me.......but as I said in an odd way they were comforting.

But then Hands challenged me about the labels these voices have put on me.  Challenged may not be the right word -- He certainly made me sit back and think seriously and if he could see the effect of the voices and their labels -- then they were most definitely affecting my every day life.

Over the next few days I kept 'talking' to myself about the labels that the voices whisper ...... especially on the drive to Montreal when I had 3 uninterrupted hours of think time.  I could almost feel the solution -- it was right there ya know - just out of reach -- but it was there.

Then shock shock I read something over on FL that clicked the button -- and the solution was mine!
Sounds easy right?? yeah I was doubtful that it could be that easy....... but I rolled some of the labels around in my head -- nothing -- no voices not a sound.

On Sunday and again yesterday I tried one of the labels out loud -- for real -- and nothing -- no voice -- no bad feelings...... nada zilch nothing!

What an excellent feeling!  free from the labels my voices whispered.

There's still work to do -- but the labels are gone and that is a very good thing!

Best Laid Plans

Drove to visit the grandkids on Friday -- and had plans to take middle grandson out for a "hot date" with grandma for his birthday -- a shopping trip and lunch -- had to be poutine!

Well we got some tshirts picked out that he loved -- and were trying on plaid long sleeved shirts when he went as white as a ghost and said "I don't feel well - I think I am gonna throw up" ... I had just enough time to grab a garbage can.  

Thus ended our "hot date".  Grandson has a rain date for another lunch date for poutine with Grandma.

I was back home here in Kingston by late afternoon -- and started getting food prepared for the BDSM family picnic on Sunday noon.

By 11:30 Sunday morning I had the car packed up with food and picnic supplies and was back on the road heading west.  The weather cooperated in that it wasn't raining -- but dear lord it was cold!!

By the time I had found the picnic spot -- unloaded the car -- helped set up the area -- I just wanted a nap.  What fun I was!!  I did get to visit with Hands and his family -- and the others who came out -- and then it was time to load up the car and head east down the highway again.

I got home exhausted.  On the drive home I started to really - seriously - consider it might be time to move.  Most of my friends/social life is one hour west of me....... 

Maybe it's time to consider a Plan B -- or is it Plan K by now??? One thing I DO know -- today's plan is for a quiet day -- time to re-examine -- rest -- and recharge.

 

Small Trip

I am leaving for Montreal today -- got a hot date with my middle grandson on Saturday.  It's his birthday.

I'll be 'flying' back on Saturday evening to get prepared for a picnic I volunteered to help organise for Sunday. 

So forgive me if I am AWOL till next week -- I'll be back though ....... I always come back 

Screaming

I read a piece over on FL yesterday about a girl who couldn't scream (scream as in release the pain scream)

And it brought back a memory for me..... a memory that kinda went "hey I had that happen to me!"

She talked about going to a therapy session where the therapist wanted her to scream into a pillow.  Years ago I was at a psychology training and at one of the workshops we were expected to scream -- a primal scream.  I sat watching while one after another participant did their primal scream.... and then it was my turn.  I sat staring ahead -- a deer caught in the headlights.  Then I just stood up and walked out.  

I hadn't thought about that day until yesterday.  I learned very early on to bury my screams..... to bury my hurt and my pain.  No one wanted to know -- it wasn't important.  Amazing lesson to teach a child right?? That no one cares if you hurt....no one cares.  You learn pretty damn fast to bury the pain that brings the screams.  You learn to be silent.

You learn to bury the feelings -- the emotions -- to cry behind closed doors in the safety of the dark nights. 

Because you mustn't ever attract attention...... be quiet ... be good....... don't cause a ripple.  I got really good at it you know........ 'cause no one cared. 

The 'puzzle pieces' I have been finding and fitting back into the frame that is me are smaller now -- not so obvious -- harder to see and harder to fit...... but the work continues -- albeit slowly.   

Raising the bar

As most of you know I have a great love of photography.  I tend to take pictures of obscure interesting patterns found all around us.  However -- I have had a secret goal -- I have wanted to take more kinky pictures. 

BUT I don't do well with portraits.  I get nervous which in turn makes my 'subject' nervous -- end result is disaster.

A couple of years back I had a willing subject who agreed to sit for some sexy kinky pictures.  He was a good sport and was very comfortable in front of the camera.  BUT I wanted to show him that cock pics really aren't that sexy -- a hint is sometimes sexier.  And I took this picture  

I don't think I sold him on the idea but I had fun and learned some lessons on kinky photo shoots.

A week ago -- someone approached me and asked if I took pictures.  They are apparently looking for photographers for the Kink Carnalval in November.  I didn't bite.  My nerves and lack of confidence got the better of me.

Then a funny thing happened.  Remember "The Sadist" I played with for a while?? Well he and I still keep in touch -- and he emailed over the weekend to see if I would/could do some new shots for his profile.  And he wanted some shots of 'toys' in a nefarious manner (grinning) "nefarious" - really?? I would think one would want inviting pics on their profile -- lots of time to scare the hell out of the victim later right???

Anyway yesterday I decided to do some experiments with pictures of my toys.  Test out lighting and back drops ...... just playing really.  I sent them off to him to get some feedback -- but thought I would share my efforts with my critical audience...... Tell me what you think..............

 

  

 
 

Rock and a Hard Place

My whole life I have believed in truth......  I grew up in the 60's I burned my bra and marched for peace.  I have always believed in speaking the truth -- even when it wasn't popular.

Back a few years I lost that fight in my soul.  I wanted to find my own peace.  I didn't want to fight any more battles ..... didn't want to tilt at any more windmills 

And now I am faced with yet another small windmill.... do I fight yet one last battle -- or walk away and leave it spinning in the wind??  My life is finally settling down -- I feel like I am in the best place I have been in a long time.  Do I have to fight every battle that is dumped on my doorstep?  

Can't I just walk away from this one? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I have done some major thinking about this one.... based partially on a response I got to an email.

I deserve to live my life freely -- unburdened by guilt -- or shame.  I deserve to bring more happiness and joy to the relationships I am in -- rather than stress and drama.

I will become the person I have dreamed of being.......I will be strong and brave and find my peace... and no one will prevent me from reaching that goal 

 

 


 
 

Protecting the innocent

Once upon a time someone in the local community went after me -- tried to have me banned -- accused me of 'outing' folks here on my blog.  The reason she didn't come close to her objectives is that I am overly careful when I talk about other people here on my blog.  I don't even use their online names -- I create my own nicknames for them.......... 

It is especially important now -- as I have had someone from my past take information from my blog and put it on Facebook for the vanilla world to read.  I do NOT want any of my friends to have to deal with that stress!

When it came time to talk about my new poly relationship - it was easy to come up with a nick for HIM -- he became "Hands" because his hands were one of the first things I noticed about him.  However his wife was a different story.........I didn't have a nickname that just fit her and could not be connected to her..... so I have left her as "his wife".

Keth called me on it over the weekend in a comment.  She said "but it comes across to me like you don't value her for her, but value her purely for who she is to Hands,"
And she is right -- it is something that bothers me every time I write "his wife" -- it does not give her her own identity -- her own importance/place in my life. 

I had dinner with Hands and 'his wife' on Saturday.  One of the other things I tend to do is - before I give someone a nickname - I always check with them first.  So I told 'his wife' my idea for her 'The Journey nick'...... and she agreed.  It stems from a bit of a in joke between us.

So without further ado..........(drum roll please)

May I introduce my friend .... my early morning over coffee chat pal ......... my partner in crime..... 
and yes "his wife" ........ who, from now on, will be called "cg" on The Journey.