What happened on the way to Monday............

I had for lack of a better word an "interesting" weekend.

There was a munch on Friday night and a play party on Saturday and Angel slept over ..

And today i am feeling a little sleep deprived....... I say 'sleep deprived' so no one will expect great words of wisdom - or literary brilliance out of me today (grinning) 

Friday night was very special......... and was one of those visits with friends that remind me how lucky I am.  I always stay overnight with these friends - and yes sometimes in the past we have played after the munch - but recently we haven't played - or I haven't gone to the munch.  I felt they were there for me when I needed them the most - when my collar had been removed - and when I was suffering through some pretty negative self talk - and hurting more than I thought possible for one person.

Friday afternoon when I arrived I had no expectations - just 3 friends visiting and catching up after a long dry spell.  BUT there is a magic in their house - something they work very hard to create.  A calmness  -- a happy place.  I know from the past that they dry tears and listen better than almost anyone I know - and they are very good at stopping negative self talk.  

BUT I had none of that when I arrived - so there was much laughter and conversation - and being the wee bit of a brat I am - when we were discussing where my life is now - I said I was doing well - had a "Daddy Dom " to play with occasionally - and The Sadist to give me much needed pain........

And then I stopped

got that cheeky grin I have 

and said "I am making a list of needs I have - and filling in names beside those needs 

The only spot I can't seem to fill is someone to do knife play.  We all laughed and nothing more was really said.......... 

BUT 

after the munch - after the coffee company left - the three of us were sitting quietly in the living room and I was thinking it was probably time for me to head off to bed when HE left the room and returned carrying a knife.  He sat back in his chair and I couldn't take my eyes off the knife.

My knees had gone weak ...... my heart was pounding........ and my mouth was dry.

He 'barked' strip and sit - pointing to the floor in front of his chair.  I slipped off my sweater and bra and sat............ immediately his hand went around my neck forcing my head back - me feeling the coolness of the blade against my skin - felt the tip starting slowly to trace a pattern down my jugular to my collar bone and back up...... 

He pushed my head forward  - so far that I was bent in half - and the knife traced sharp patterns up and down my back - making sure it played in all the sensuous spots - making my body tremble spots - making me moan out loud  spots.

My head was pulled back up tucked under his arm - in a head lock position - chest and body openly displayed - available - to the knife.  At one point the knife was running over my leather pants - tickling my inner thigh - making me pant and want so much more... I struggled out of the head lock and looked up at him and said in a whisper with a cheeky grin "TEASE!" and he shook his head and said "then off with them!" and they were gone......... and then the play became even more intense ........ 

I wrote a short "Moment in Time" piece over on Fetlife on Saturday.

I wrote: 

 Your hand is wrapped around my neck tilting my head backwards - I feel the cold steel of the blade against my throat.......
I hold my breath -- though the moans escape through my lips.....
Then slowly the blade slides down my neck.. over my collar bone sliding to the right - playing, tickling my nipple ...... feeling your hand roughly grabbing and lifting - feeling the blade pressing against the tender skin under my breast ... feeling the bite of the cold steel against burning skin .......
feeling the blade cutting across my chest - feeling the left side abused so beautifully .....
my muscles twitch and beads of sweat roll slowly down my belly ..... the knife traces them - chases them???
And then -- then hips thrust upwards - kissing the tip of the knife - blackness swirling around - hearing the growl - is it his or mine??


There has never been any real negotiations with this couple - and after care involved my feeling that so much more needed to be said - to be clarified.  He admitted that they were probably the worst example of how to negotiate - and it needs to be done!!
So that the next time (and there WILL be a next time) might be even more fun - even more 'satisfying' all round.

And then I was tucked into bed - kissed on the forehead - and told to have sweet dreams.

Sunday Sentiments

The Blackness

 (please understand - this is MY take on Sado/masochism!  It is something I try to hide from myself but mostly others.  AND - it is only a small part of me. )


Just recently I have been trying to help people understand the black side of me - the masochist side of me........ 

It is the exact opposite - EXACT OPPOSITE - of what I have with Daddy Dom.  When Daddy Dom comes to visit - there is excitement and joy and light and sparkles and rainbows (ok ok I am being silly)

When I played with a Sadist before - a long time ago - I discovered that I had to work to get into the blackness - into that side of me.  He would write words to me - of what he was going to do.  He would whisper in my ear - when we walked into the play area - all the things he was going to take from me.  

Part of the appeal - for the masochist that is in me in playing with a Sadist - is the fear ........... the tightening of the stomach ........ the fear creeping in - spreading out and filling my body and brain with the blackness.  That part comes first - before the Sadist even arrives - anticipation, fear, nerves - they fill the mind and engulf me totally and completely.

The Sadist thrives - maybe even feeds on - the nerves, the fear, the quivering body bent before them.  They aren't there to please me.  They are there to take every ounce of submission from me.  I submit to the pain to please ......... I even ask for more when I don't think I can take even one more..... to please.  

And when there is nothing left inside of me - and I can't take even one more to please - then - then my legs give out and I slip to the floor a quivering crying puddle of pain. 

And if the Sadist is pleased - then the masochist dances with the fairies and all is well and good and pleasing.

BUT to get there - to that point - there is the mind first - preparing - going to that place that will welcome the Sadist.  Searching out that blackness way in the back - locked behind the light...... pulling it out -  embracing it - and getting there...... sometimes just minutes before the Sadist arrives.  

Because the Sadist wants to see the quivering body that is theirs to hurt.

A Moment in Time

He is so private - so hard to read
 
But when I close my eyes and "see" him looming over me I see his eyes first - sometimes with a devilish glint - and then he blinks and his eyes grow dark as he stares down at me - watching me like a hawk - soaking in my reactions - it seems as though his eyes are pushing me to the edge - wanting every drop of emotion out of me.

Then I see his mouth - sometimes it is a hard line as he concentrates - focuses on the flogger and where it lands - and then it smiles as my moans escape and float up to greet him.......... to caress him and he whispers "ok? everything ok?" and I know I am safe.

And then his face - usually guarded - closed........... but when he looms over me it softens around the edges and his humanity peeks out - and he seems gentle and caring and I know why I trust him so.

Our moments together keep me warm until our next "moment in time"

 

The Gift

I was given a very precious gift yesterday...... the gift of acceptance.

Daddy Dom came over for a visit....... and I was so worried about how he would react to the marks left by The Sadist.  I don't embrace the masochist in me too well - learning - but to share the depth of my masochism scares me.

I knelt at his feet and tried to explain how vulnerable I felt sharing something SO visible with him.  He didn't even bat an eye - he reached out and started to unzip me - I stood up and slipped out of my covering.  i could barely look at him... but he was ok with it. Not thrilled I am sure - but he didn't run screaming out of the house either (small smile) he held me close and made me feel like his lil girl - safe and sound.

He even brought a new flogger he made (still to be finished) for - as he said - the lil girl.  How could I not feel spoiled??  

It is stingy which makes me very happy and he uses it so very well ... giving the lil girl exactly what she wanted.

And - here's a newsflash - I thought I would be comfortable writing about Daddy Dom and our play time........ but I realize that it is a gift to me...... and for now at least I just want to hold it close to my heart.

Did You Know..........

It's Poke A Sadist Day?

Dating Game

I didn't expect to be writing about this this morning....... but having spent the last couple of days over on FL reading all these words about "demi sexual" (still really don't GET that one) and casual sex............ I have been squirming a bit.  My old fear of being "the slut" started to rear it's nasty head.

BUT I think I may have a little different definition of casual sex then over 'there'.  In my entire life (which I might add is a wee bit longer than most of the writers) I have only ever had 1 one night stand....... which was awful!!  (ok ok it landed up being 2 nights cause I wanted to see if I was right in my opinion - and I was!) but still I consider it a one night stand.............. 

I don't do hook ups or booty calls (honestly I don't think I would know how) and I never had a "fling".  (which translates for me as cheating on a partner)

WHAT I do do - is play with a lot of people.  PLAY - never involved sex on my part.

I spent many - MANY - years taking care of my own sexual needs (for whatever reason) and honestly never expected I would be welcoming a male body back into my bed.  

But things change - NO I changed.  I dipped my toe into the "dating pool" and yanked it back like something bit me (well something did in a way - if you remember the "Frog" blog I wrote) and I flip flopped between "screw this" to "ok one more try"... and loads of guilt about feeling slutty.  (and I wasn't even sleeping with these guys - not through lack of trying on their parts....it just didn't feel right - ya know what I mean??? )

Then I met someone - a nice someone.  Someone who took some time (ok ok not a lot - but some time) getting to know me.  I felt something - lust??? chemistry?? a connection??? 

I do know he touched something very deep inside of me....... he found my lil girl and coaxed her out to play.  It took a HUGE amount of trust on my part to bring that side of me out - to trust someone with something as precious and fragile as "my lil girl" 

He never lied to me - he never "promised me a rose garden" (grinning) ... he doesn't even talk in forever language ....... and he told me up front - at the very beginning he was "poly".  

I really like being with him...... he makes me smile and makes most days seem warm and full of sunshine.  

BUT Poly was always there whispering in the back of my mind...... poly the dreaded "I can't do poly!" 

BUT then as luck would have it - or karma - or something........ I started to understand something....... compartmentalizing stuff...... over here I have "Daddy Dom" who comes and nurtures the lil girl and the woman and makes me smile and laugh and yeah sometimes even giggle.  He allows me to play with my sexuality - to find what makes me comfortable - he has opened doors and let me peek through to see what it COULD be like in the real grown up world of relationships and sexuality - and the lil girl (and the woman) have peeked and not run screaming in the other direction.

And  .. over here I have "Angel"  my bestie - and who knew at my age I would find - for the first time ever - a "bestie"??? --  someone who wants to laugh with me and talk with me - help me find my way through these mine fields called relationships that confuse me and fluster me and sometimes leave me feeling stupid and naive.  And she has given me a gift in return - she is opening up to me - letting me see inside her walls that keep her safe.  And dear god I feel so blessed - so loved - so special to have a friend like Angel...... 

But over here - way back in the dark is yet another side of me - the side that scares me most I think.  The side I have never embraced and have had great difficulty acknowledging........... the masochist side of me - the side that needs a Sadist - a real live Sadist.  Someone who doesn't give a shit about the lil girl - or the woman who is loving having a bestie......... the Sadist wants only the beast inside - the primal - oh hell let's say the word - who wants the masochist - the PROUD masochist.,

Yesterday my Angel wrote something on FL - like anyone who writes journals - she writes for herself - and like anyone reading journals - often times we find something that speaks to US.  The last line in her writing said
 You're not broken baby. You're beautiful.
 and the pieces started to fall in to place and click together.  

I will embrace the lil girl and trust the Daddy Dom to keep her safe and to teach her to play and not be frightened....... and who will - I hope - teach her to trust and open her heart - and he will nurture her and take her heart in his hands gently and lovingly and not drop it.

I will laugh and talk and learn with Angel - and hopefully she from me... 

And The Sadist - well one day he will teach me to fully embrace the masochist that is me.

Phew - are you confused yet?? I started talking about casual sex and landed up talking about poly - but hang on I haven't tied it all together yet (and I am gonng try to!!)

First - NO -  I am not having sex with Angel - but on one hand the closeness I have with Angel is truly better than any sex a man OR woman could give me...... 'cause I know Angel is a "forever" relationship.

Daddy Dom well (cheeky grin) we play with floggers and whips and chains oh my!!  and yeah we have sex - wild wonderful sex - and the lil girl claps her hands and laughs and isn't afraid of it anymore and the woman is learning from the lil girl that it IS ok to have sex and have fun having sex - and it doesn't have to be forever - it can be for now..... however long now is........... 

And The Sadist - well - he's primal - and definitely not a forever guy....... and he's over there in the black box - with time and patience he may too teach me to laugh and embrace the monster that is masochism............ 

So I think - no I BELIEVE - I do not do casual sex....... I don't do one night stands - I don't have flings - 

I believe I have connections with people who are wonderful caring individuals who I cherish and hold very close to my heart.


I am NOT a slut!  I am not broken - and my favourite bit of all 
"YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"