Internal Struggles

It has been a long time........ a really long time ......... since the masochist in me got to come out and play.  

It took such a long time to stuff those feelings inside and lock them up ....... such a long time. 

And now they're back.

And it f**king scares me.

I remember those days of pure masochism....... the memories are coming back - flooding back.  

I remember the ups and downs of those days........... of loving the pain and hating it  almost in the same moment.

I remember looking at the marks on my body the day after ....... and hating myself.  And then caressing the marks and loving them.


But mostly I remember the endorphin junkie - between play times... I remember the need growing and growing till it nearly drove me mad.  There is no controlling that need...... it is what it is.

I have to learn how to live with these internal struggles ........ again.