Sunday Sentiments

UGH

Today has not been a good day.  For some reason all the nutters decided to come out of hiding over on Fetlife and email me.  Dear god in heaven is it a full moon???

Talk about feeling overwhelmed!!!  

I turned off the TV - lit a nice smelly candle and did some deep breathing........ 

Some people are just rude I guess........ and I haven't learned how to deal with them........ 

Fact or Fiction?

I have mentioned this before I am sure - but doesn't hurt to repeat things for clarification purposes............I was mostly raised by my grandmother who was EXTREMELY superstitious and as much as I have thrown off most of her 'teachings' there are still a few bits that hang around........... like horoscopes

OK OK I know they are mostly nonsense - especially the online ones which are more phony than a 3dollar bill...... but I still religiously read them every morning.  The pic above pretty much describes me to "T".   

Over the last few months my horoscope has been saying more and more how much more confidence I am going to gain........ how I will be seen as a sensual person - that sort of stuff........ and whether or not I am being seen as a "sensual person" by others I most definitely am feeling more sensual and more confident in my own skin as a sexual being. 

As most of you know - my dating has been mostly comprised of "frogs" ........ and ups and downs.  I date then the next day I am full of anxiety and self doubt.  (le sigh) my insecurities are tiring me out never mind my dear friends (right mini me??)

This mornings horoscope needs to be posted - if for no other reason than to remind me to breathe and believe in myself...... it said:


A sure confidence that all will be well, whatever happens, fills the air, and faith in yourself and others is exactly what will make that come true. A great day for starting things that require sustained confidence and follow-through. Mutual assurance breeds conviction and a platform for all to share.

so is it Fact or Fiction??  I guess only time will tell...............

Tingling

Yesterday's date was - well - amazing.  

I was very nervous about the meeting........ very!!  But it didn't take long to erase my butterflies and have me smiling...... 

I even pulled out my toy bag from the back of the cupboard and blew the dust off it.... there was a "show and tell " period ...... and he picked out some toys that caught his eye ....................... 

This morning my cute lil ass is still warm and nice and tingly ....... 

The only other thing I will share with you is..................... 
I do hope that there will be future dates ........ yeah it - he - was that amazing.
 

Trust

I have a date today ............. it isn't a first date.  And he's not a frog.

I have been excited about it since last Tuesday........... 

We have talked and emailed endlessly............ 

Last night I told him I was nervous - he told me to update my blog - I am not sure how he thought that would help....... (grinning) 

But in updating I found the quote above .......... 

and it really did touch something inside of me... 

Time to walk completely through that door! 

And trust again.

Mending Bridges

After a few years of estrangement from my family - of missed birthdays and holidays - we have all been working very hard to mend the bridges.  

Christmas was the first big step.  "Grandma" went down and stayed for almost a week........... and it was (as I have told you before) the most amazing holiday.... lots of laughter and memories and love.

This past weekend was my eldest daughter's 40th birthday (GOD 40!!!  it doesn't seem possible!! )  Youngest daughter planned and pulled together a surprise party .......... and I went down with my toothbrush ........... 

It was an amazing time again - I didn't believe we could top Christmas with the laughter and teasing and fun - but we did !!!  We are healing - and becoming a happy family again....... all of us are healing and mending bridges.  And in my opinion THAT is the best gift we can give each other 

AND of course I took my camera - mom the family photographer - the pest with the camera.  But everyone just ignores me and lets me click away - both daughters tend to threaten me with "don't you dare post that to Facebook MOM!!"   and I usually ignore them and do it anyway (cheeky grin) After all - it's a Mom's job to embarrass them right?? 

got a couple of pics to share - I am so proud of my daughters and the lives they are carving out for themselves............ 

 I love this one - "sisters" laughing and teasing - sweetest music one can listen to in my humble opinion

there's something about this one that touches a chord in me...... it's a bit arty farty .... and it tells a story of my daughters..... it is a place in time I have always hoped for - shared moments between the two of them... laughter and love and sisterhood.  

AND of course the whole party wouldn't be complete without the birthday cake!!  homemade by youngest for eldest........ 

I am so proud of both of them - of their determination, strength and understanding  -  and especially of their open arms welcoming me back - loving me despite of the mistakes I made in the past ........ love is a very healing poultice

Life really is good !!
 





 

A Moment in Time

I had just snuggled into bed

Under the sheets and the comforter 

The light was off - I was in my comfy place 

When the phone rang......... 

And his voice spoke softly into my ear...... 

teasing me - telling me things I wanted to hear.............. 

His voice - lulling me to sleep.......... softly and gently.

And I smiled softly as sleep closed my eyes.

Sunday Sentiments

New Challenge

Alright then !   I was at the gym walking my cute lil ass off on the treadmill - dreaming / thinking when suddenly I had this EUREKA moment. 

IF I am gonna be doing this dating thing and IF sex is gonna be involved (well it would seem that isn't as much a maybe as probably) then I had better have my OWN supplies.  

So I went to the drugstore - after all I did need some new lipstick.

I have NEVER in my life had to buy condoms!!!  Now I think I know how a man feels when he is sent to the drugstore to buy female products.  

AND who knew there were so many different types?? and sizes????? good lord am I supposed to ask how big he is before buying condoms?? LOL  and we all know how reliable THAT information will be!!

AND right beside the condoms were the lubricants and I thought well that might be a good idea if there is gonna be more all night sessions (there's only so much a girl can take !!)  

AND there were so many lubricants - I was soooo tempted to buy the hot and cold one - (oh they have condoms like that too) but figured I might scare the poor guy ...... so I went with a straight water based lube that claims to be safe with all toys ...... 

THEN I went to the cash - with my lube - my condoms and my lipstick.  The girl punched them in - bagged them - took my cash - then said with this grin "Have a GREAT weekend"

I think I ran out of the drugstore....... 

Voices

So - after the "dear john" email - I had a little meltdown.   Not a big ONE - but still had one......... 

I have voices in my head - everyone who has ever had an influence on my life sits in the back of my head - and from time to time they talk - and talk - and talk to me.  Some of the things they say " you aren't good enough....... you're not pretty enough .... WHAT were you thinking?? ..... you can't do THAT... good girls don't.............. "  I am sure some of you know what I mean ...... 

Most times the voices are quiet - but sometimes they yell at me - over and over.

My worst fear - my whole life - has been "being seen as or called " a slut.  That was the biggest threat I had to deal with when I was growing up...... if you have sex with a man everyone will see you as a slut.  You won't ever find a man to marry.  It always felt as though if I had sex a bolt of lightening would come out of the sky and strike me dead ...... SEX was bad!! (which is the reason I was a virgin when I got married)

So I went into this later in life dating with the same principals.... you date - you find a good man - you do NOT have sex.  (and for the record I have NO intentions of ever getting married - or having someone live with me - but a partner would be nice)

Except all the men seemed to want to have sex.  And I have never seen myself as very sensual - or sexy looking - and yes I will admit - suddenly having all these men finding me sexy - appealing was a little  (NO a BIG) ego booster.  I had lost all this weight and was feeling more confident - and now these men - I was feeling hot and sexy and dear god no one prepared me for this....... 

I was so thrilled with the toothbrush date because I had never done it before.. and yes - on Saturday driving home I knew it wasn't gonna go any further - he definitely wasn't my "forever" guy............ but I thought we had had a good time together ..... and maybe occasional dates would still happen.

BUT I was not prepared to be told it hadn't worked - no chemistry  !!!  At first it didn't bother me much - BUT - once it sank in - the voices started in my head.  "You are a slut" " a slut!!!" oh and my favourite - "you aren't very good in bed - you can't give blow jobs " and suddenly my confidence hit rock bottom.

And I think the worst part was the fact that I had told so many friends that i was going on this overnight sleep over. AND they were gonna see me as a slut - cause that's what happens when you do THAT.  I was going to loose their respect ....... it broke my heart.  AND there was nothing to do about it - but crawl into my nice safe little shell and hide.

But my friends didn't let me crawl too far into that shell - the sweetest comment came from "mini me" who knew what was happening in my head - and left a message saying "I don't want to talk to the voices - I want to talk to morningstar" it made me smile.
 
Today I am feeling more at peace with myself.  The weekend taught me that I LOVE fucking - my libido is higher than ever - and I am starting to realize I have every right to enjoy sex - and as long as I am careful (grinning) I won't die from having lots of sex!!  and no bolt of lightening will come out of the sky and strike me dead. 

Someone out there will appreciate me for who I am.......... not just what my cunt can do ........... and if not??? well I will enjoy myself - laugh and play and have fun - and try very hard not to listen to my voices!!! AND with any luck I will find someone who actually wants to spank me and do all those kinky things I love and see as a form of foreplay........... ummm yes now that would be perfect!!
 

 

Colour Me Confused

Well I guess my toothbrush dates are over.   

I got a "dear john" email yesterday.  Apparently he didn't feel there was enough "chemistry" between us.  

HUH?? seems to me there was too much chemistry and not enough of the ordinary stuff.

Ahhhh well - back to the drawing board I guess.

Toothbrush Weekend

(please note - this may be TOO much information for some - so you may wish to skip this entry)

I was jittery when I packed up the car on Friday evening - was I really doing this????

Being the gentleman he is - he actually was waiting for me when I pulled into the parking lot so he could help carry stuff upstairs.  Once we were safely behind closed/locked doors and the bags were stored away - we were like horny teenagers.... kissing /touching exploring............ I was breathless - wanting/needing very quickly.  (you have to remember it had been at least 10 years since I had been fucked by a cock - by a man who wanted this as much as I did)

We did manage to squeeze in dinner between bouts of kissing and touching and my moaning............. 

Then............. well let's just say - quite truthfully the rest of Friday/Saturday was a total blur of sex - fucking - and my playfully telling him he had broken it.  

I think we both slept a total of 2 hours on Friday night........ 

Saturday morning I begged for a rest - so we had a bath together (and still he played and touched and stroked and drove me crazy).  During the bath I turned the conversation to BDSM - he was interested.  BUT despite my feelings - and other's feelings - he knew virtually nothing about it.  He asked lots of questions about play parties - but no matter how hard I tried to explain the rules and workings of play parties - he couldn't get his head around the fact it wasn't a swingers club.  (I am editing out a lot of conversation for brevity here - but I definitely got the impression he doesn't have much desire to spank me - but wouldn't mind watching someone else do it to me )

He couldn't keep his hands off of me............. and it was wonderful!!!  I have never felt so used / abused /stretched (god he's big!!)  in my life.

BUT sometime after lunch things slowed down - drastically.  We tried to have a nap - but we were both aroused and after an hour we were both fucking once more.............. that last fuck seemed to shut him down........ and I have no idea why.  

We ran out to pick up a few things for dinner - and he had suggested I might want to stay home - but I wanted fresh air  -- and just get out for a few minutes.  I am now thinking he might have wanted some space........ trust me there hadn't been a whole lot of space over the 12+ hours.

When we got home he insisted I curl up on the sofa and he went and got a blanket and tucked me in - put a movie on and went to organise the groceries and dinner.

He sat in the lazy boy and watched the movie.  When I grinned at him - he was surprised I wasn't asleep.  He told me we needed to slow down - that he was fucked out.  I got that - cause damn I could hardly walk.

We had a great dinner and sat side by side on the sofa watching another movie after dinner.  

Conversation was almost non existent.  And when it did happen - I just felt - I don't know - as though we weren't on the same page.... nothing in common.  Sadly.

At 8:30ish I decided it would be best if I came home instead of staying through till Sunday morning.  At first he seemed surprised - but he quickly got over his surprise and helped me pack with virtually no trying to dissuade me.  

So I was home by 9:30.  On the drive home I thought "Well I never understood 'fuck buddies' never thought I would have one - but maybe that's all he's meant to be - a fuck buddy"

Definitely NOT a frog - but also definitely NOT a forever and ever guy either.

Sunday Sentiments

(just seemed appropriate for this weekend's Sunday Sentiments)

So.............

In case any of you are wondering IF I did pack my toothbrush this weekend - yes I did.  When you are reading this - I will be snuggling up with my new "gentleman friend" 

I had posted both blogs about last weekend's date on Fetlife - and the second one - about staying over this weekend caused an influx of cheeky light hearted comments that had me giggling like a school girl......... All of the comments suggested I buy a traveling toothbrush ........ and to remember to pack a pair of clean underpants...... from packing one extra pair of undies it went to many pairs - to my cheeky side coming out and saying "did any of you ever think I won't need more than one pair of panties - cause they won't stay on long enough???" 

Oh and I have to tell you what my phone call with GF (gentleman friend) went like on Thursday night.  I had been thinking of going over on Friday night and staying the night - but then I thought I will come home on Saturday - BUT (hear me whining ??) I don't want to come home on Saturday - I want to come home on Sunday - sooooo I won't sleep over till Saturday ..........   

Ok so he calls me Thursday night while I am out at the munch...... I scurry to the lobby of the restaurant so I don't have prying ears - and it is quieter - and we talk........ I finally mumbled " you know you said I could sleep over on Friday night??? (and before he could answer I said) ..... IF I sleep over on Friday can I also sleep over on Saturday??"   there was a brief pause and then he said "NO" ........ my heart stopped and it took a couple of seconds for his next words to sink in........ he was saying "you won't be "sleeping!!!"   and I laughed out loud.........  

So Friday night I packed my toothbrush - and yes a couple of pairs of clean undies - and headed over to his place.......... On Monday I will fill you all in ............. promise!! 

Counting My Blessings

i

I went to a munch last night - only it didn't feel like a munch - it really felt like having dinner with good friends!!  

When I was driving home down the 401 in the dark - with just music playing softly in the background - I was counting my blessings - mostly having such good friends - friends who will tease me and make me blush - friends who have my back - friends who care.  Friends I know I could call and they would be there for me - in a flash

And more than real time friends - I count many of you here on The Journey as friends - you drop by and often leave me comments .... supportive comments.. encouraging comments.... quiet soft warnings ..... and I want you to know how much those comments mean to me...... I should thank  each of you individually after such comments - but I don't and it is at times like this that I feel ashamed that I am so lazy - or busy (yeah sometimes I have a legitimate reason for not thanking each of you) But please know I DO appreciate - love hearing your comments!

I am such a lucky woman............ thank you to every one of you for your loves - for your support - for being a "friend" 

Embarassing Moments

Many years ago I discovered that both my daughters were into some form or other of kink.  Imagine my shock!  

Eldest daughter was much more open about it...... youngest daughter tends to keep that sort of thing to herself.  Many years ago eldest daughter wanted to be able to read my blog... and in a moment of weakness I gave her the url.

I do remember watching / censoring myself for a long time after that........... but slowly with time I grew a little thicker skin and didn't fuss too much about her popping on to The Journey from time to time.  It certainly wasn't on her daily read list...

This morning she called me to discuss work problems - and we got talking about my "new gentleman friend" as I refer to him with my girls.  

Lo and behold she has been on The Journey to read the uncensored version of Mom's "new gentleman friend"  (double le sigh) ............ I spent so many years worrying about my girls when they were dating - mostly worrying about broken hearts....... now the tables are turned ...... and she is worried about Mom getting hurt (yet again) and threatening to hunt him down if he does........ le sigh ........... just like I was with her when she was dating........... 

Talk about role reversal ........... le sigh...

Silly Goose

The silly goose me spent yesterday looking back on the weekend - picking it apart - analyzing everything - worrying that somehow I hadn't lived up to his expectations.  

Left over damage from previous relationships had me grading my sexual abilities - and finding myself failing!!!  I worked myself into such a state - that I almost couldn't accept he had invited me to spend next weekend with him.  

After all he hadn't called me Monday night right??? SO (in my brilliant logic) he had had time to think it over and decided he didn't want me - didn't need my insecurities - didn't need my inabilities to perform sexually.

I had work to do yesterday - a lot of work - rush work - and I could not focus to do it... I fussed and fussed and as the day went on I was almost catatonic - then I had a brilliant idea!  I'd call him during the day when I knew he wouldn't be home and leave a casual message on his phone............. and put the ball in his court - "call me back if you want to"

I went back to my work - but with one eye on the clock - and as 5:30 rolled around - and no call - I made myself calm down - because the weather had been awful - snow and more snow - he would probably be late getting home.

Just after 6 I was in the kitchen making dinner when my phone rang.......... by the time I picked it up I was grinning........... 

Yes it was him............ 

He'd had an awful day at work - and wanted to hear about my awful day at work........ I stammered out some stupid reason - but finally 'fessed up I couldn't get him out of my head.  

He laughed......... and asked me (with this cheeky tone) what exactly couldn't I get out of my head ....... was it his excellent cooking - the terrible movie - what ???

I sat here  blushing...... finally mumbling I couldn't get the bedroom scene out of my head....... and wondered (blushing here and mumbling) if he had been thinking of the bedroom scene as well.

He laughed out loud.  Said if he had thought too much about the weekend - period! - he wouldn't have been able to get any work done........ told me he was in the bath warming up - and did I have any clue what my voice was doing to him??? cheeky man!!  cheeky bantering between the two of us...... 

Then he casually asked if I wanted to come over - right then and there - and he would fix me dinner ................. I was speechless......... not only did he not have any problems with our weekend - he wanted to see me NOW!!!  Thankfully it was snowing up a storm and I had no desire to face it........... otherwise I might have been having dinner in bed (cheeky grin)

He reassured me that he thoroughly enjoyed the weekend ........ all of it - nothing excluded.  He asked if I had given any thought to bringing my toothbrush this coming weekend.......... duh!!!  that's all I had been thinking of........ 

We talked for a few minutes more - I was feeling all warm and fuzzy when we finally said goodbye ........... my fussing over the weekend was just me being a silly goose!! 

I do have to learn to stop being so critical of myself.  I have to learn to trust my instincts - AND to act on them....... IF I don't do something right he will show me how............ I will learn ........... and maybe just maybe the voices in my head - the ones that tell me I am a disappointment sexually will get quieter and quieter until I don't hear them at all anymore......... and that will be a very good thing!!

Sensitivity

How many are wondering if I went back on Sunday to watch that movie???? 

I have been struggling with posting the answer to that .............. ever feel like something is SO good you don't want to jinx it???

I called him Sunday morning - and agreed to return to watch the movie - he sounded pleased?? excited??? and announced he would make me supper - the pork chop recipe he had told me about......... 

Funny thing - as though she was reading my mind - mini me messaged me just after I had confirmed the movie and dinner with him.......and said something to the effect about understanding my wanting to respect my body  - BUT - if I felt like fucking him there wasn't anything wrong with that.  She made me smile - and created a storm of butterflies in my stomach.  This was really becoming more and more about what I wanted............ I was pretty sure he would respect what decision I made and not push it........... so yeah - it was pretty much up to me.

So yes I did go........ and we did watch the movie - it was a DVD - something called The Orchid - with Jacqueline Bissett and Mickey Rourke.  It wasn't that great a movie ...... I kept waiting for it to improve and it didn't.  He was disappointed cause it wasn't exactly what he was expecting either.  Apparently there is an Orchid 2 - but he couldn't get it.

We were snuggling on the sofa watching this movie - and it felt right - comfy - his arms seemed to fit around me just right..... his kisses were soft and gentle - no pressure.  

Eventually he got up to start supper - he told me what we were having - pork chops and mashed potatoes and veggies - but I was NOT allowed to know what veggies - I would try them - he was sure I would like them.  I smiled - there was a little tone of command in the "you Will try the veggies" .  Again I was not allowed to help ...... I was to sit and finish watching the movie.........

Dinner was so yummy!!  And He did pick a small piece of the veggie out of the pan and walked towards me with it between his fingers.  He stood over me as he hand fed me - I was prepared to gag on it........ was scared I would gag on it.. but as he popped it in my mouth I looked up at him..... those eyes !!!  They were again pinning me to the chair - making me chew and swallow - without gagging............ my god it was good!!  who knew?? well of course he did !!  He laughed and pointed out that some veggies actually do taste good..... and he would teach me (if anyone is interested - the veggies were parsnips)

Dinner was a mix of eating and kissing and suddenly he was pushing my hair back and nibbling (quite firmly) on my neck - my collar bone - licking just under my chin - tickling my neck.  I was so breathless I could barely eat my supper.  Then he would sit back down and continue eating his supper - with this smile on his face!!  cheeky smile - I think he knew what he was doing to me............ 

I have to say I felt like I was back in high school - necking - being aroused - being shy - wanting more and scared by those feelings of wanting more.

When we had finished eating we were sitting just talking and kissing and he was still nibbling on bits of me - and he said he would love to lay me on his bed and nibble without fear of stretching my sweater.  BUT he made no move to "up the ante" .......

AND then I remembered mini me's words ..... if you want to fuck him do it.

Before I could chicken out - I grabbed his hand and said - ok come and nibble without the turtle neck.  

We headed to the bedroom............ I got cold feet half way down the hallway........... I knew what I wanted (and yeah what he wanted) but what if I couldn't go "all the way" (see what I mean about feeling like I was back in high school!!  who says "go all the way" anymore??)

He moved in front of me and started talking to me as we made it the last few feet - he kept saying - "I will only nibble - I will NOT do anything you don't want!!  If I cross a line you stop me you tell me - do you understand??!!!"

I have to say he was true to his word........ there was lots of kissing and nibbling (after my turtle neck came off) My body responded - hell it had been so long since I was laid out on a bed being spoiled again - having my senses aroused to a fever pitch.  BUT not once did he make any move to do more than nibble on my neck - my shoulders and kiss me.  

He pulled my arms above my head - to his headboard - and whispered "would you like your wrists tied to the headboard??" I couldn't answer - I just nodded.  And he kissed me again - deeply passionately - and whispered "one day"

OH WAIT -

I  have to add here - cause I am SO impressed with his sensitivity to my shyness / awkwardness and lack of esteem.... he never turned the lights on - the light from the hallway was enough - shadow figures mixing and mingling.  And he would say quietly whispering in my ear - that no one had a perfect body - and he thought my body was perfect - soft and smelling sweet - my skin tingled he could feel it - how he loved kissing me - burying his head in my skin inhaling my scent............. 

And my body responded to his words - to his touches - to his kisses................. 

And then I was lying naked curled up in his arms - breathless and a bit teary - and he was stroking my back - holding me close - reassuring me - telling me how sexy I was - how absolutely perfect.

As I was leaving - he suggested I might bring my toothbrush next weekend - and I immediately said I didn't think I was ready for that.............. always scared - when will the fear subside???? 

So next weekend looms ahead - it seems so far away - yet it is only 4 days ............. and who knows - I might just pack a toothbrush..............

 

Kissing the Frogs

After the "frog" issue - I took my profile down on POF.   I was discouraged and a little bit scared,.....

But I had ongoing "getting to know you" type messages on POF.  I wrote to each of them and told them my profile was down ........ but if they were still interested in talking with me I would log on to answer emails.  I also made it very clear - VERY CLEAR - I was not looking for a quick fuck.  

Boy did the interested messages whittle down quickly after that line!!

But there was one - "the dreamer".  I had left him a very cheeky challenge before I left for Christmas.  I told him I had tattoos and a piercing... and he could spend the holidays trying to figure out where the piercing was.

When I came home and read what I had written I was shocked - even a little ashamed.  After all - it sounded like a major come on - and I had just written I wasn't looking for a quick fuck,,,,,,,,,,, ugh what was wrong with me??!!!  Why do I let the bratty side of me come out to play before I know someone - really know someone??!!

Well he answered that email on Friday night.  He didn't mention the piercing challenge really - but he did suggest it was time we met.  He also made it very clear he wasn't looking for a quick fuck.  I sat staring at his message .......... and the voices in my head kept saying "yeah of course he would say that !!!  YOU told him about your piercing - YOU lowered yourself to a level you can't play in!!"  

BUT Saturday I answered his request to call him.  We chatted for a few minutes on the phone and made plans to meet for coffee.  I tend to get swept up in the moment.... and don't always take time to think it through.  

I texted mini me - not sure why - but we tend to share questionable meet ups so the other knows what we're doing.  I shared I was nervous - getting cold feet.  She said it was JUST a coffee ............ and though she didn't say it - I heard "suck it up buttercup".

So I did suck it up and went.  He had mentioned during the phone call that if the coffee went well I could go back to his place for a spaghetti dinner and a movie.  I quickly said I didn't think I would do dinner - but would definitely do coffee.

When he walked into the coffee shop the first thought I had was "wow he's not very photogenic - he's much better looking in real life!" ..... We shared an early laugh (something about my screwing up the meeting time) and from there the ice was broken and we chatted freely.  

He made me feel so comfortable,  I realized I didn't want the coffee to end - I wanted to continue talking with him - continue getting to know him better.  His eyes held me in my chair - I loved looking in his eyes.  

I kept wondering if he would bring up the dinner offer again..... then I told myself why would he as I kinda shot down the offer........ then I told myself maybe - MAYBE - he would offer dinner another time.  

The chatting continued........ 

Then he looked at me - looked back down at his coffee cup and played with it - and quietly asked if I would be interested in having dinner with him......at his place.  AND before I could answer he made it clear he only meant dinner and a movie - he didn't play  word games - dinner and a movie that's it !!

I said YES!  so we went shopping for food - my god he opened the car door for me !!  He held the shop doors open for me - he consulted with me what I liked to eat.. we laughed about no "green veggies" rule ..... he "threatened" he would have to teach me to eat greens... cause they were healthy for me.

We went back to his place.  He was a total gentleman.  I offered to help cut up veggies for the spaghetti sauce - he absolutely refused.  He poured me 1/2 a small glass of wine (he had listened about how I don't drink regularly and it hits me hard - so I only ever have 1/2 a glass) and put it on the dining room table... told me I could sit and chat with him while HE cooked dinner.  He told me how he loved to cook and how it had been a long time since he had had anyone to cook for.... 
(OH and I almost forgot - he told me to contact mini me and give her his home phone number and address if it made me feel more comfortable - he said he had nothing to hide and I should feel safe - I should have a "safe call" - ummmmmmmmmm was it possible??)

I felt so comfortable and relaxed (and it had nothing to do with that 1/2 glass of wine) 

We talked - my god how we talked.  Slowly he started dropping hints.......... how he had put eye bolts in the ceiling over his bed cause his wife enjoyed a little rope play (they're divorced)........ and slowly from that blatant hint we moved (over a period of hours) to talking about my piercing .......... and how he would love to take me to a club in Toronto and lead me around by a leash attached to my piercing (MY GOD!!  my knees went weak) He picked my brain - my likes and dislikes - he reassured me that there would always be a "safe" word in place - play should be fun - he didn't want me to be frightened - or feel threatened.

We never watched the movie ....... we did kiss - at first nice chaste sensual kisses...... by the time I was leaving the kisses were a little more intense - a little more passionate - a little more "take my breath away " in a good way !!

He walked me down to my car - made sure I got into it safely - waited at the door of the apartment until I pulled on to the street.

I promised to call him Sunday.......... we still have a movie to watch............ 


Maybe - just maybe - this frog will turn out to be a prince?

 

Sunday Sentiments

and I believe the beginning has begun ...............

Cock Pics

As you all know I spend some time on Fetlife every day - mostly reading the articles - but I admit it - occasionally I do peek at the Xrated profile pics.  Recently I have been looking at cock pics...... lots of cock pics.  It happens - shrug - men do like to brag (ok ok before you all jump over me - so do women) 

But I know what women look like - all nice and demure and tucked away tidily - not wiggling and jiggling all over the place.

But cocks - well despite my age and life experience - I honestly haven't had a lot of experience with cocks.  AND considering my desire to start dating again - I thought I should do a little research on cocks.

I have come to the conclusion there are nice looking cocks and ugly looking cocks.  There are big ones and small ones.  

I went looking for cock pics to illustrate  -- OMG!  I may have nightmares from my search .......... there are some damn ugly cocks out there !!  

Life has taught me I much prefer a nice circumcised cock.  I do not like it hiding and then popping out unexpectedly (well unexpectedly for me!)  It leaves me on edge....... 
Now a circumcised cock doesn't pop anything out - it's always nicely displayed .

But I learned so much more on this quest for cock pics.... I learned that the average size of an erect penis is 5.1 inches to 5.6 inches.  And the average depth of a vagina is 3 - 4 inches which will elongate a bit when sexually aroused.  Amazing how the puzzle pieces fit together so nicely - isn't it?? 

Now I am guessing if you have a 8 inch cock - or bigger - a whole lot of the cock is left outside - catching cold (cheeky grin) OR the poor woman suffers from painful cervical pounding.  (Ummmmmmm would a masochist find that pain pleasure?? I wouldn't know as I have never had that problem - but as I said - I haven't had much experience with cocks) 

And while I was doing this research on cocks - my mind went to condoms ........ oh god my education is sadly lacking.  Does the man put the condom on ?? or is the woman expected to??? I keep thinking my nails would put holes in the damn thing - or shred it entirely - what a waste!  And how does one stop the "moment" to put a condom on this cock without ruining the moment?? And then I couldn't help but think about the taking off of this condom - does it catch on the pubic hair?? OUCH!  and does one just toss it over the side of the bed - or get up and dispose of it....... and where does one dispose of them -- in the garbage ?? in the toilet?? 

I don't know but given this proof..........

uncircumcised 

circumcised

I think my dildo is the prettiest of all............... 

 

 



 

Just another Day

 

I woke up with a cold the other day - ughhhhhh - nothing interesting about a cold !!  I did go out to the gym because 1)  I have a few pounds to lose from the Christmas festivities and 2) I have heard sweating out a cold is good.  (What do I know??!!)

 Yesterday I went back to the gym (which isn't all that special) but I was feeling a wee bit better so YAY! for sweating out the cold germs.

By supper last night I was feeling worse - flu-like symptoms - sick tummy- achy bones - cold and hot at the same time.  Joy oh Joy! 

This morning I am back to a sniffly nose  - so back to the gym??? Honestly I haven't decided........ those pounds are still hanging over my head - but the body isn't that enthusiastic.

Finding something good in a sick day is not that easy - I tend to get angry when I am sick - even sniffles..... BUT I am working hard at finding some good in every day  - I guess the "good" in my last couple of days is that I can still get up and head out to the gym........ life could be much worse right???

AND on the brighter side - remember my "frog" from POF??? I was worried about how to break off contact - but didn't need to.... after the fiasco last week I haven't heard a word from him............ phew - no need to tell him holey socks are a big turn off for me (cheeky grin)

So - I am limping along - looking for good in every day.

 
 

Depression

I read an article on Fetlife this morning about depression in Dominants.  It was very moving............ written by a submissive who was trying very hard to help her Dominant through depression. 

I read that article while I was waiting for a friend to come over for an early coffee (8am). And she didn't show up......... the same way she nearly missed my Open House on the 1st - would have missed it if another friend hadn't texted her and nudged her out of the house and over here.

I read that article and thought about W and some things he has told me since we split - really nothing I hadn't already suspected... months and months ago.

From time to time I suffer from depression - I have even had a breakdown.  So I honestly believe I understand what it means to be depressed.  I won't claim to know what it means to YOU............. but I've been there........ I know something about it.  And I have never made a secret of the fact that from time to time I suffer with depression.

So I struggle with my friend and W (and maybe others) not reaching out to me.. not opening up to me.  Oh I can't fix the depression only YOU can fix your depression..... but I can - and WILL - support you while you fight it.  You only have to ask !!  Don't push people away who care for you - who want to help - who want to be strong so you can be weak - want to offer a shoulder - or a cup of coffee - or an ear - to help you struggle through................. 

yet so often - more often in my experience - people don't want to admit to being depressed - don't want to talk about it.............. 

they really need to learn that being depressed can mean "you have been strong for too long"..............

Just a Moment in Time

The whip was cutting into my ass - I was dancing and cursing.......... 

and then 

His hand slid around my neck ........... not tight - almost caressing .... yet not caressing

My breath caught in my throat......... 

My knees went weak and my belly tightened

It was hot ........... really hot !

And just a moment in time.............. 

Bringing in the New Year

I was invited to a New Year's Eve play party.  I hummed and hawed about going.  Part of my indecision was the idea of going to a play party alone.  The second reason was I was hosting my annual Open House the next day.  

On Thursday I made up my mind!  It wasn't snowing - I had committed to bringing some snacks - and plainly put - why not??!!!  I put on my brand spanking new leather leggings with a red oriental corset (that I haven't been able to get into in years!!!)  I felt good - confident and just a little bit sexy. (Someone did take a few pics of me - and when I get them I promise to post them - well at least one of them!)

When I first got there I felt a little out of place - awkward.  But soon relaxed and was laughing and chatting.  At one point I went downstairs to watch some of the play that was going on.  The temperature was cool downstairs ......... and it was hard to watch folks playing.  It was exactly one year to the day that W and I went to the same party and played for the last time.  Memories flooded back.  I couldn't sit there - couldn't!!  The memories threatened to overwhelm me.  I mumbled something about being cold and headed up the stairs.  As I got to the landing I heard "morningstar"........ it didn't sink in until I heard it again "morningstar" - someone was calling me.

I went back down the stairs and a Dom/Top asked if I would like to play.  I think I took a big breath - ran all sorts of reasons why I couldn't - and then said "YES"!

Best decision I have made in a long time!!

He and another Domme played with me and later on another Dom came over for a wee bit with his knives (yummy!!)  - I laughed and shouted - and swore like a trucker - and did my subbie dance - and thoroughly enjoyed myself!!!  It was a spectacular way to bring in the New Year - to bring in my new life!!  A couple of folks commented on how good it was to see me back playing...... even more commented on how happy I appeared - how good it was to see me laughing again. 

On the late night drive home - I realized I was back ........... yup I am back!

On New Year's Day I changed my profile on Fetlife - it now says............ 



It has been 5 months on my own - life is good - but missing something.
So I am just gonna put this out there.....

In 2016 I would love to find a play partner - I would be quite content being the "other" no matter what number - 2nd, 3rd, 4th?? It's just time I got back into the game........ New Year's Eve showed me I miss (really miss) playing ............ miss laughing and stamping my foot... miss the sting of the whip - the touch of the cool blade against hot skin - the touch of a hand............

 who knows what wonderful adventures await me in 2016