Toughen Up

You know it was once said - about me - that I am soft and sweet - BUT - push me too far and then you will see a side of me you never want to see!  

I know I have this spiteful side - I work very very hard to keep it in check - not to let it explode out of me cause dear god - I HATE that side of me........... 

BUT........ 

I have spent the last few months feeling sick to my stomach - feeling as though everything was my fault - trying so damn hard to smooth ruffled feathers and hurt feelings - blaming myself.

BUT ........

I have had it 

Honestly had it - done!
I was told I was released on Fetlife - by a click of a button
I was told he was sorry on my blog - on Fetlife - on Facebook
Everything that was private and important I have been told on the net!  Not one word to my face.  

Today I read the "straw that broke the camel's back"
On Fetlife he wrote this:

Sir I am presently knot an active Sir, so I shouldn't be called that.. That title is reserved to the one who earns it.... about 8 hours ago

I know that was directed at me.  Despite my best efforts NOT to call him Sir I still slip from time to time... hell that is all I have called him for 15 years... I am supposed to stop immediately and call him W.  which I don't think I ever called him - even in the very beginning.

I have avoided calling him anything - as much as possible - but I will admit every once in a while a Sir will slip out...
Now I have been informed in front of the world (so to speak) that I have not earned the right to call him that........ EARNED THE RIGHT??!!  ME??!!!

I think he has it all backwards now.. seems to me HE has to earn that right - to have anyone call him SIR he has to act like one 

There are a whole lot of names I could call him....... but I have refrained.... and in case you are getting all excited cause maybe - just maybe - there will be a flame war started here - forget it !  I don't DO name calling.  I am just saying .......... there are a whole lot of names I COULD call him... 

So ..here's the warning.... I have gone from being this beaten up /broken lil subbie (and yeah you can call me subbie - submissive - slave - whatever the hell you want to cause I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that I AM SUBMISSIVE !) to a stand tall and proud speak her mind and damn the consequences submissive.  

I will repeat the picture from above just to make sure we are all on the same page.......

Back

I'm backkkkkk did you miss me??

Well that was an interesting/scary day yesterday!

I had to be at the hospital by 12 noon - really??!!!  lunch time??? So W got me checked in then I told him to leave and get some lunch.  

Then I sat and sat and sat - all alone and developing more and more anxiety.  It was truly awful.  I kept giving myself this pep talk that lots of people have surgery by themselves without someone holding their hand...... didn't work.

Finally they came and got me and took me down to the operating room.  (the longest walk in history - I swear!!)  got me all set up on the operating table - IV in  - etc and then they all started looking for my surgeon.  (I swore she had taken a lunch break) .... then they decided my oxygen levels were low and slapped on oxygen and kept telling me to take deep breaths....... I have never had to have oxygen before and I was scared - what was happening???

Finally the surgeon came running into the OR slapping her mask on and said "let's get this done".... I was ordered to take more deep breaths of the oxygen - my anxiety levels were just about through the roof when PUFF - I was gone....... 

I woke up in recovery in a panic.  I didn't know where I was - why I was there and who all these people were.  I could hear someone telling me not to sit up... but I sat up anyway.... I had the worst "fight or flight" response.. where ever I was - I was leaving. 

Finally a female nurse showed up at my bedside and said "you don't remember anything do you?? (smart nurse) .. She patted my arm and said "it's ok it's ok - it happens sometimes that the patient gets amnesia "    She explained about the surgery and asked if I remembered what for....... I shook my head.. and started crying... I was so scared ..,.. amnesia is awful....... a big patch of your life gone........... I was struggling so hard to remember... 

Then I remembered W checking me in......... and then i panicked cause maybe he wasn't here anymore .. wasn't here yet??? The nursing staff kept asking me questions.... and finally I started to remember ..... and the heart rate and blood pressure came down.  They came at me with more oxygen........ I backed up into the bed.. I HATE oxygen - hate how it smells - hate how it feels.  They said you need to have it for a bit.. i said I need to blow my nose - all that crying had stuffed me up... 

I got to blow my nose - BUT - I also got to wear the oxygen.

Finally they brought me some water and arrowroot cookies.  I gobbled them down and drank the water....... then felt like I was gonna puke them all back.  I NEVER puke after surgery!!  I kept taking deep breaths to keep the nausea at bay - cause I knew if I started puking they weren't gonna let me go home.

I started pestering them "when can I leave? Is Warren here ?? does he have my clothes?? when can I leave"... Finally they wheeled me out of the recovery room to where my nurse and Warren were..... I got dressed and somehow managed to get home.  I could barely walk.. wanted to puke ... and felt like death warmed over.

I insisted on pizza (smart choice considering my sick stomach) and finally gave in to the heavy eye lids and fell asleep in my chair in the family room around 7:30.... woke up at 10 said I was going to bed.... and slept till 4:30 this morning.

oh yeah yesterday W said he was sure I had a cold which explained the low oxygen and stuffy nose.. I then remembered I had had a small sore throat on Sunday but it hadn't amounted to much so never mentioned it... Today I have such a stuffy nose!!  and cough... so yeah I guess maybe I did have a cold yesterday - or the beginnings of one...

Today I feel sore - more than sore actually- I feel like I have been raped (forgive my bluntness) ...... I feel worse than last year when they removed the cancer from my bladder!!!  (yeah it was exactly one year ago yesterday - aren't I the consistent one?!)

But it is over.  Now I get to wait for 3 weeks for all the results to come back .. and hopefully they will have an explanation as to why after 15+ years of being post menopausal - I am having periods again.   But for today I will nap and nibble and nap some more....... till my strength is back ...... and I feel like my old bratty self again. 

 

Tired

Tomorrow is my surgery.  They are gonna take out the entire lining of my uterus and then take pictures of the inside of the uterus (god how I HATE having my picture taken - cheeky grin) and then hopefully discover what is causing this reversal of my menopause.

Sounds simple right - routine almost.  The surgery will take 15 - 20 minutes then I will be in recovery for 2 - 4 hours.  Then I can come home.

Then I can wait and wait and wait some more while they collect all the test results.  And then maybe an answer.

I am so scared they are going to say the dreaded "H" word - hysterectomy.  I don't know why - and it's really stupid cause 20 some years ago I begged them to take out my uterus when I had some problems and they said I was too young.  Now when it looms as a possibility I am terrified.  For some reason I am tying my  uterus to my femininity - to what makes me a woman.  And I have this massive fear that I will be damaged goods if they take it out.. a non-functioning woman.... that it will affect my sex drive and my orgasms ........ all of it............ which is REALLY stupid as no one has used me sexually in so long I forget what it feels like.  AND if I go back to using my vibrator and I don't work anymore - am broken - who will know right??? It's not like the men are lining up around the block to fuck me - not this old woman - so what does it matter right??

Except it does.  

I am so tired of feeling old - cast aside - not wanted or needed anymore.  



 

Sunday Sentiments

how true is that!!??  I am very thankful for all my friends and family who are there for me.. so very thankful!

And so it begins again - edited

 I am sorry - to avoid TMI - it seems I have led some of you to believe I am having a hysterectomy.  They haven't got that far in their diagnosis process yet.

They are going to remove all the lining from my uterus in the hopes of discovering why after 15+ years of being post menopausal I am once again having (semi) regular periods.  They will be doing a thorough test of the lining to see if cancer cells are there hiding from the mundane routine tests.  

And thank you all for your support and kind words...  I don't feel quite so alone now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I am not sure who remembers a year ago here on The Journey........ But almost a year to the day I went into hospital to have cancer surgery.  

And being a good lil patient - I have been going for my checkups regularly.

BUT a year ago when they found the cancer - I had a second growth - this one in my uterus - that they removed - declared it benign.  But the symptoms never disappeared.

I have been to see yet another specialist.... tried some pills ..... but the symptoms continue.  When I last saw the specialist she suggested surgery...... in 6 - 8 weeks.  It is so easy to forget those things when you have almost 2 months to wait.

Well I got the call yesterday.  I am going into hospital next Tuesday for the surgery.  Today I got the call - pre op tests on Friday....... 

One year almost to the day ......... and so it begins again.........

(whispering) I am very scared you know.

Hard Knock Life

"fuck it - it HAS to get better"

This morning I awoke with the song "The sun will come out tomorrow............." from Annie,  going round and round in my head.  I have no idea why - my god it's bleak and grey and rainy ......... but for whatever reason I believe the sun will come out ...............maybe not today - maybe not even tomorrow but it will come out.

I went to a munch on Saturday evening.  Now that in itself is not a big thing.  The fact that I drove myself to the munch - an hour and a bit away - and actually found the restaurant was a BIG thing.  That I had fun - and was cheeky - and bratty - was another BIG thing,   

But the biggest thing that happened ........ someone wrote me on Sunday and said "I was so proud of you" a simple sentence that brought tears to my eyes.  It's been so long since anyone has been proud of me........ and my submissive heart melted.. then soared.  It's stupid really that that line - from almost a stranger - could make me feel so damn good..........but it did.  It was food for a starving soul.

I don't know what lies ahead - and my OCD is raging - bringing bouts of anxiety that are testing even my limits.  But I am beginning to believe that the sun WILL come out.............   

 

Sunday's Sentiments

The Worst Part

I miss the laughing and the teasing - and the spanks over the kitchen counter.
I miss the spontaneous "lets go to the States" or "lets go to the Casino"
I miss the talking and the sharing and the gossip.

BUT most of all -  the worst part -

I miss you holding me when I am scared or sad or lonely
The need for human contact just swells up - the sadness is so deep I need your hug - like in the old days - need to feel your strength flowing into my body - need to hear your soft words in my ear saying it will be ok - need to feel your hands stroking my back.....

that's the worst part 
that's what I miss the most

MY Story - OR - dirty laundry aired

It started months ago - months and months ago.  My world slowly started to implode.... and stupid me I didn't see it coming.

HE told me it wasn't me - it was all HIM -
And I believed HIM.

I pledged 'when your desire for BDSM comes back I will be here'
stupid stupid me - I believed HIM

HE stopped sharing emails - and "gossip" and started looking guilty when I asked what was up

I finally confronted HIM 'cause I was so sure HE was looking for someone else
HE admitted it.

My world crumbled.  
My heart stopped 

It wasn't HIM - it WAS me
stupid stupid me for believing HIM

HE started disappearing for hours on end 
I started pacing worrying stressing hoping HE was ok 
not daring to believe what my brain was telling me

I confronted HIM again..... 
At first it was a definitive NO HE was not playing with anyone else
BUT I pushed
And finally confirmation HE was playing with someone else -
BUT only once.  like that made it ok

SO HIS desire for BDSM and sex had not disappeared - 
HE just didn't want those things with me

I swallowed my pride
I tried to find some common ground - 
I tried to save what little I had left
cause I love HIM 
I suggested changing our profiles on FetLife to read
OPEN RELATIONSHIP
and to contine having fun vanilla times together

BUT 
He erased me from HIS Fetlife profile - completely and totally
almost 15 years gone with a click of a button

AND
HE told people HE had released me.....
maybe with a click of a button 
BUT not with words to my face 
with a click of a button

He announced at a munch that it had been months since I asked for permission
I bit back the words that it has been months and months since YOU were any sort of Dominant. I wouldn't / couldn't humiliate HIM the way HE humiliated me.

HE told the world - on my blog on Fetlife on Facebook
HE was sorry
BUT HE never told me - to my face.

With me HE seemed angry - raising his voice all the time
OR not talking / acknowledging me at all.
It felt like HE tore my heart out of my chest and ripped it into little pieces.


NOW
I am trying to learn to live my life alone 
Trying to accept I can come and go without permission
Trying to learn that I am free - no longer collared - no longer held to a higher standard

NOW 
I am trying to find me 
the woman who got lost and is wandering in the dark   
Alone and very very frightened.

Thoughts

Yup - that pretty much describes it...... a tornado in my head.  Loud windy noises blowing round and round deafening me.......

I get on the treadmill every single bloody day at the gym and I walk miles trying to sort out the words - thousands and millions of words and feelings........ 

I go to yoga and try and focus on NOW - clear the noise and the distractions - but they sneak in the edges and poke me.

Some days I run from the house and walk and walk - miles - up one street down another ... trying to leave behind the tornado in my head - the noise - the words - the sadness

BUT it follows me where ever I go - whatever I do - because it is inside me.. I can not run away from the words.. the feelings.... I am going to have to sort them out.

I want to put all the words here .... in whatever order ....... and try and sort them out - like a puzzle - fit all the pieces together so I can find myself - cause I must be hidden in there somewhere - I MUST BE.

 

A Special Song

A friend I affectionately call "mini me" sent me the following yesterday.....it made me cry - harder than I have cried in the last month...... 

She's a very special friend and I thank her !

Nothing worse

Bleak House - wasn't that a Charles Dickens book???  I am living at Bleak House now... this house that held such promise for laughter and love and joy ........ in what seems to be a blink of an eye has become Bleak House.

I am truly struggling with the feeling he can't even stand to look at me.  Am I that disgusting???

I never heard him raise his voice before - now I hear it - and it ties my stomach up in knots.

I can't shake this feeling that somehow this IS all my fault.........something I have done... something I have said..... something.............. 

Who knew a broken heart could hurt so much? 

Behaviours

Those of you who read here regularly have probably sensed things are not all rosy these days.  

The stress has been ongoing for weeks now............ I have been slowly falling apart with no anchor to ground me - no light at the end of the tunnel - nothing - just bleak tomorrows.

This past weekend W made pubic apologies everywhere .. on here... on Fetlife .. on Facebook (dear god FACEBOOK which is my vanilla life and is connected to my children/grandchildren and family - can you imagine the fall out I had to deal with from everyone??)

And though I totally understand his need to publicly apologize it didn't change what was going on behind closed doors.  The worst - the very worst behaviour was his just getting up and going off for hours on end.  No goodbye - no see you soon - nothing just the slamming of the door.   I was left to stew and worry that he was ok.... and believe me I DID stew and worry - because despite everything - this is the man I loved - the man who I willingly gave my heart to and my submission.  I felt lost and very scared.

BUT

The truth of the matter is I very quickly came to discover I was not alone in this...... one friend has been making 'pilgrimages' on the weekends to  just sit and have coffee with me.... other friends have been emailing .. others have been insisting on my getting out and meeting them for lunch or coffee..... 

Slowly I am trying to break old habits of permission for this and permission for that... of feeling guilty because 'I must be a bad sub if he is so unhappy'...... slowly my behaviour is changing.

And in the midst of all this turmoil ... all this pain... all this hurt... spring has slowly starting peeking it's head up from the winter doldrums.  And this past week I have watched as the birds start their collective mating dance - singing brightly and fluffing out their feathers - attracting mates.

All of them except one lil robin.  I noticed him a week ago I guess sitting on the side mirror of my car. He made me remember my grandmother's budgie who used to peck at the mirror in cage and fluff up his feathers.  

This silly lil robin has discovered there is a "mate" in the mirrors on the car - in the windows of the car and reflected in the side panels of the car.  I have stood and watched him doing his mating dance with his reflection and laughing.

So not everything is bleak and sad here - there is a little happiness/silliness going on just outside my window that makes me smile and sometimes even laugh......... 

I managed to snap some pictures of my narcissistic robin yesterday and thought I would share them with you..........'cause a little smile is good for the soul...........

"ok I'm here - where is she?"

 "oh there she is - hiding eh my beauty?"

 "ah HA I found you again!"

"you can't hide from me - found you again!"

 

"HEY whatcha looking at !"

Yup sometimes you just gotta look out your front window to find a little happines. 

Sunday Sentiments

Sorry

Sometimes the best apology - the most sincere apology - comes with no words..... just a tight hug.

Walls

Not many people know this story - not many at all....... 

When I was very little some bad things happened to me......... I learned how to cope.  I built a wall - a big strong brick wall to keep all the bad things out .. and to keep me safe inside.  Inside was safe - I was the only one behind the wall and no one could reach me - or touch me - or hurt me.  That was a good thing.

Over the years I just kept adding bricks to the wall - I didn't trust people in general.  I had seen/experienced too much pain - too much hurt.  I just kept adding bricks and bricks and more bricks.  In my mind's eye - it was a strong castle of stone walls with no doors - no way for anyone to reach me.

All I ever let anyone see was the socially acceptable me.  The laughing/joking well adjusted cheeky me.  I made my life's work helping little kids like me - trying to help them heal the hurt.  But never once did I take down my wall..... cause I knew .. I knew! that  the hurt and the pain was just waiting to come swarming in....  weird eh?? I helped (or think I helped) so many little kiddies deal with hurt / pain and move on... and yet I only ever felt safe behind my wall.

Inside those walls was a scared frightened little girl - who didn't trust people.  Who believed people only hurt 
 


Then W came along.

And slowly - baby steps he used to say - he took one brick down........ and then another... slowly till the wall was all but gone.  He reached out his hand to me - I shied away - I pulled back - my wall was gone and I was so damn frightened....... only bad things could happen now.... only bad things........ and it scared me.

Baby Steps - baby steps....

W would reach into my hiding place and wait for me to take his hand.  

Baby Steps - baby steps........

And slowly - very slowly!  I reached out my hand to him.  

He taught me to trust him...... he taught me to laugh for real - he taught me to love and live - but most importantly he taught me to trust.  I gently laid my heart in his hands.... trusting he would guard it - care for it..... I trusted him and my walls were gone and it felt wonderful!


But now things have changed.  I was right along.  People hurt other people - whether they mean to or not.  They do it.  

And so now I pick up a brick and put it in place....... and another and another..... I want my big strong walls again - i want to crawl inside and feel safe again...... i want to protect myself from the hurt and the pain........ 

And this time - no one - NO ONE - will convince me to take one brick out of the wall - because I know the truth......... it just hurts too much.

 

 

Lost

On Sunday driving to and from Montreal a song by Melissa Etheridge stuck with me .. the words keep rolling round and round in my head............

 "But I, I will never be the same
Oh I, I will never be the same
Caught in your eyes
Lost in your name
I will never be the same"

Forever

Ya know how sometimes you see pictures of adults gone missing - on facebook - the local news ...... and everyone is looking for them - for some information on their whereabouts??

On Sunday while I was driving the long flat highway to Montreal - I thought how easy it would be to keep driving - to follow the highway forever - to the end - where the road meets the ocean.

It was a strange feeling for me.  I have always felt very grounded in where I have lived.  But I realized - especially returning from Montreal - that Montreal is no longer my home... and Kingston really isn't home either.

I honestly have no responsibilities any more - no job to get up for - no one needing me or expecting anything of me...... no grounding.. nothing to hold me down....... I could one day just point the car in some direction and see where the road takes me........... maybe to where the road ends ...... at some ocean.......... and then I would sit and watch the waves lap the shore - and listen to the seagulls call - and wiggle my toes in the wet sand and watch as the water washes my mark away.

Easter Celebrations

Well I was up at the crack of dawn yesterday to do the 2 1/2  - 3 hour drive to youngest daughter's for brunch.  My eldest daughter managed to make it down as well - so I had a nice visit with all my family (well what's left of them) .....it had been way too long.

I broke my one cardinal rule - no candy at Easter - and arrived with Easter  baskets for all 3 boys filled to over flowing with yummy Easter chocolate ......... my daughter will thank me I am sure :)

After brunch (pictures to follow) my eldest grandson and I set out to see a movie.  I was a little surprised with his choice of film - "Home".  Mind you as someone else said - it is great to have grandchildren as an excuse to see some of these children movies.  Much to my surprise I thoroughly enjoyed it.  

Once we got back from the movie - dinner preparations were well underway - but I decided it was time to head out back on the highway and do the drive home before it got dark.  (not my favourite thing driving at night - especially alone in the car)


Now for the promised pictures........

and of course there were pancakes and scrambled eggs and hash brown potatoes and bacon and sausage and cinnamon rolls - all of which I forgot to snap - and the pics of the kids - well I am thinking they are best left on more vanilla pages........ 




Almost 6 hours alone in the car with my music blaring (Melissa Etheridge - if anyone is interested) gave me lots of time to think....... for memories to float in and away  - for promises made and broken.  I think I wrote 6 blogs on that drive........ who knows I might actually write them out .. edit them.. and post them one day when I think my soul can handle it.


 

Sunday Sentiments

Submissive heart

All I know in my heart is submission - to please and be pleasing.

I don't always achieve that lofty goal and when I don't it feels as though my world is crashing in around me.

When I am chastised for some failure/mistake my heart breaks - my internal dialogue says "you are not good enough - you didn't try hard enough - work on it work on it work on it"

And I do work on it and work on it and work on it - till my body drops from exhaustion and my brain spins

My submissive heart drives me to perfection - a perfection I will never achieve - because in a blink of an eye - a word a phrase a small action will shatter the drive for perfection into a million pieces.

And I lie broken 

Gloom

It's been a gloomy spring.

This morning I awoke to freezing rain.

I am sitting in my usual place - at the dining room table - looking out the window at the grey sky with a cold in my bones that just won't leave.

Between the window and myself is a bouquet of unopened tulips.  When they open I am hoping they bring a splash of spring into the house - a promise of warmth and peace.

When they open...........