MY Story - OR - dirty laundry aired

It started months ago - months and months ago.  My world slowly started to implode.... and stupid me I didn't see it coming.

HE told me it wasn't me - it was all HIM -
And I believed HIM.

I pledged 'when your desire for BDSM comes back I will be here'
stupid stupid me - I believed HIM

HE stopped sharing emails - and "gossip" and started looking guilty when I asked what was up

I finally confronted HIM 'cause I was so sure HE was looking for someone else
HE admitted it.

My world crumbled.  
My heart stopped 

It wasn't HIM - it WAS me
stupid stupid me for believing HIM

HE started disappearing for hours on end 
I started pacing worrying stressing hoping HE was ok 
not daring to believe what my brain was telling me

I confronted HIM again..... 
At first it was a definitive NO HE was not playing with anyone else
BUT I pushed
And finally confirmation HE was playing with someone else -
BUT only once.  like that made it ok

SO HIS desire for BDSM and sex had not disappeared - 
HE just didn't want those things with me

I swallowed my pride
I tried to find some common ground - 
I tried to save what little I had left
cause I love HIM 
I suggested changing our profiles on FetLife to read
OPEN RELATIONSHIP
and to contine having fun vanilla times together

BUT 
He erased me from HIS Fetlife profile - completely and totally
almost 15 years gone with a click of a button

AND
HE told people HE had released me.....
maybe with a click of a button 
BUT not with words to my face 
with a click of a button

He announced at a munch that it had been months since I asked for permission
I bit back the words that it has been months and months since YOU were any sort of Dominant. I wouldn't / couldn't humiliate HIM the way HE humiliated me.

HE told the world - on my blog on Fetlife on Facebook
HE was sorry
BUT HE never told me - to my face.

With me HE seemed angry - raising his voice all the time
OR not talking / acknowledging me at all.
It felt like HE tore my heart out of my chest and ripped it into little pieces.


NOW
I am trying to learn to live my life alone 
Trying to accept I can come and go without permission
Trying to learn that I am free - no longer collared - no longer held to a higher standard

NOW 
I am trying to find me 
the woman who got lost and is wandering in the dark   
Alone and very very frightened.