Friday, April 17, 2015

MY Story - OR - dirty laundry aired

It started months ago - months and months ago.  My world slowly started to implode.... and stupid me I didn't see it coming.

HE told me it wasn't me - it was all HIM -
And I believed HIM.

I pledged 'when your desire for BDSM comes back I will be here'
stupid stupid me - I believed HIM

HE stopped sharing emails - and "gossip" and started looking guilty when I asked what was up

I finally confronted HIM 'cause I was so sure HE was looking for someone else
HE admitted it.

My world crumbled.  
My heart stopped 

It wasn't HIM - it WAS me
stupid stupid me for believing HIM

HE started disappearing for hours on end 
I started pacing worrying stressing hoping HE was ok 
not daring to believe what my brain was telling me

I confronted HIM again..... 
At first it was a definitive NO HE was not playing with anyone else
BUT I pushed
And finally confirmation HE was playing with someone else -
BUT only once.  like that made it ok

SO HIS desire for BDSM and sex had not disappeared - 
HE just didn't want those things with me

I swallowed my pride
I tried to find some common ground - 
I tried to save what little I had left
cause I love HIM 
I suggested changing our profiles on FetLife to read
and to contine having fun vanilla times together

He erased me from HIS Fetlife profile - completely and totally
almost 15 years gone with a click of a button

HE told people HE had released me.....
maybe with a click of a button 
BUT not with words to my face 
with a click of a button

He announced at a munch that it had been months since I asked for permission
I bit back the words that it has been months and months since YOU were any sort of Dominant. I wouldn't / couldn't humiliate HIM the way HE humiliated me.

HE told the world - on my blog on Fetlife on Facebook
HE was sorry
BUT HE never told me - to my face.

With me HE seemed angry - raising his voice all the time
OR not talking / acknowledging me at all.
It felt like HE tore my heart out of my chest and ripped it into little pieces.

I am trying to learn to live my life alone 
Trying to accept I can come and go without permission
Trying to learn that I am free - no longer collared - no longer held to a higher standard

I am trying to find me 
the woman who got lost and is wandering in the dark   
Alone and very very frightened.


  1. All I can and will say ( well almost ) is " Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars " or which way it is....

    A lot of this mess was/IS my fault and knot YOU. Seems I screwed up once again on FL and other things too...

    You HAVE all your friends coming to your side and even ignoring me totally ( the other day to remind you ) and this blog to write down your thoughts so you will do just fine.


  2. You deserve so much. Please know that you are not alone.

    I'm sorry you had to go through something so awful. It was HIM, not you. And you will find someone who appreciates that.

    Thank you for sharing. It's a big step and you won't be wandering forever.


  3. Yikes! How devastating!

    Keep on sharing your struggles on this blog. You have so many friends who care. I care.

    Stay strong.


  4. OMG! Morningstar ... I had no idea!
    I have just now checked blogs and some other social media.
    I am so very sorry my sweet ...

    You're strong my dear ... and I/we are here for you!


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