Road Trip

We're on the road today - driving to Montreal.... gonna celebrate middle grandson's 8th birthday.

Tomorrow I should have some pictures to share............ 

Enjoy your Sunday

My Vice

Yesterday I had a check up with our family doctor.  Had good and bad news - what else is new (le sigh)........ I am healthy - except my blood sugars are borderline.  But when I told him about the gym and trying to eat healthier he said that should do it... and not to worry (Does he remember who he is talking to??? lil miss worry??)  Then we discussed my "female problems" which haven't improved since the biopsy - and subsequent medication.

He actually asked if I could just "live with it".. and I said "no not really.  Just give me some pills like the last time (8 years ago)."  But he thought maybe I should see a gyno (insert sad face).  And then mumbled something about some irregularities in the pathology report.  HUH??? that didn't actually sink in till I was in the car coming home.... so no I didn't ask for clarification.  BUT then he said it would probably be a couple of months before I heard from the new doc........... and then he did think I could just live with it right??? so how serious can this "irregularity" be?!

BUT today's entry is entitled "My Vice" - yay I know ME have a vice - not possible!!  I am such a "good girl".  But yeah I have a vice............ I LOVE casinos - and the slot machines......... which is all I can afford really..... slot machines I mean.

So when I got home from the doctor - W and I took off to the casino.  We have one about 30 minutes away.... and we go about once a month.  But W is very firm - very firm!  I get to take $20 to play the slots and when it is gone that's it no more.   

Most of the time I am done in under 10 minutes (I wouldn't have any luck if it wasn't for bad luck!!)

But yesterday after my second pull of the lever I won my $20 back and more!!  W suggested I cash out and pocket my $20 and only play with my winnings.... which I did... surprise surprise I won enough money to treat us both to a nice lunch at a nearby English Pub.  

What fun we had!!!

One of my Favourite Things

This might sound just a tad morbid to some of you - but one of my favourite things is to go walking in old cemeteries.... and as luck would have it ...we have an old cemetery right down the road from us.

Yesterday after I had finished at the gym I headed over to the cemetery to shoot some pictures for my photography class.  The theme this week is light and shadows.... Here are just some of my favourite shots............

 

now I just have to select the ones I like the best from the 40 or 50 total shots............

 

No Purpose?

Yesterday when I got home from Yoga I collapsed (as usual) in my chair in the family room and picked up my lap top.....

When I opened it there was a blue envelope wedged inside.

I opened the envelope to find a card that said

  Inside it said.................

Yeah it had a purpose!!

A Moment of Intimacy

I mentioned yesterday after lunch that I really needed to take care of "personal hygiene".   

It had been months since I had shaved my pink girly bits..... it just wasn't high on my priority list........... but then - shrug - well it got to a point I couldn't stand it anymore.  I have always kept the pink bits clean shaven - it had nothing to do with submissive spirits or orders from "above" - it's just something I like.

So yesterday I was gonna devote the time to cleaning it up and feeling more like myself again.  W suggested I might want to use his beard trimmer.  In my head I went 'nah - that's only fun when you use it' but outwardly I nodded and said "yeah maybe".

When it came time for me to get up off my ass and go do this personal hygiene stuff W offered to use the trimmer.

I got organised on the spare bed with towel under my ass and W started in on the trimming.  At first it was all very clinical.  And then the trimmer started to touch my jewelry and oh dear god - it felt so good........ and my old self came out - I gasped and held my breath - after all one slip of the trimmer and ....... well............. OUCH
W laughed and smirked and said he was doing it on purpose..... and we both laughed and shared the moment........

That's what I call a moment of intimacy

Homework

My new photography class is mostly technical stuff - which means there isn't a whole lot of neat arty farty pictures.  I am working on learning / understanding shutter speeds..... and ISO's and apertures (which I mostly do get) and light and how to use it 

This past weekend was work on ISO's and shutter speeds.  To get the concept - he had us take pictures at a very slow shutter speed - which was 10 seconds for me.  Now does that sound slow to you???!!!  (which has been one of my difficulties - slow / fast) and then a picture at a very fast shutter speed - mine was 1/10 of a second.  I have to say I think I have the concept now.............. but between 1/10 of a second and 10 seconds there are a whole mess of increments of seconds and when the hell do I use them??!!!

Anyway here's the resulting pictures from the shutter speed homework............

This is called light painting.......it was a technique learned last year -  but as I wasn't much impressed with it didn't I pay close attention.... at the time I said "I'll never use that"  now I have learned never say never!!

I set up the camera on a tripod in the pitch black back garden....... set the shutter speed at 10 seconds ... lit the sparkler - dashed 5 feet in front of the lens and swirled the sparkler around.... waited for the click .. then dashed back to see how the picture turned out.  It took me 18 tries to get this one.

I am not all that happy with even this one - 1) I can still sorta see myself and you shouldn't be able to see me and 2) the whole picture has a yellow hue to it - but trust me the sparklers were bright white when I used them - still got some work to do I guess.


Now this one was slow shutter speed...........(OH and if you click on the photo - if you don't already know this - it will open up a much bigger picture which might work better for these photos - to see the detail)

Now this took most of Sunday morning....... it involved tipping a wine glass at an angle - having a dark background - a light source shining on the glass - and slowly pouring water into the glass while you also took multiple pictures at a shutter speed of 1 tenth of a second.

First attempt involved the glass tipping over from the weight of the water and spilling water all over the kitchen!!!  So then I asked W for some duct tape to tape the wine glass to the tupperware lids I was using to create the angle - then a plant was plunked on the lids as well to weight them down (W's suggestion) and then shoot some more.  Every once in a while the duct tape would let go and the glass would fall and water would splash all over the kitchen!!  (What I do for a good shot!!)  

I took hours of shots -  trying to get just the right shutter speed - get the damn thing in focus - and get some sort of decent shot.  

This picture is an extra - W spotted - when he was reviewing the multiple pictures trying to help me select the best one for class - that there is a droplet arcing away from the glass onto the counter - you might see it best if you enlarge this picture............

Anyway after a couple of hours I was done - emailed the homework off to my teacher and cleaned up the make shift "photography studio" in the kitchen and breathed a sigh of relief.

Some Days........

Some days I wake up tired - exhausted tired - and wonder if there is any hope at all.... all the positive outlooks have looked and given up................

I am tired of going to the gym 4 times a week - working myself to exhaustion - with nothing......... NOTHING.... to show for it.  It has been 4 weeks now and I haven't lost an ounce (well i did lose a half pound - but it is back) My measurements haven't changed.  I wonder why I am doing this......... still

I am tired of "poking him" hoping against hope that he will smack my ass or pinch my tits.... just once in passing - just so I can feel he "sees" me.......

I am tired - mentally and physically tired....... and it makes me so damn sad.  A year ago I thought my dream had come true - I was gonna live the life I had planned for and dreamed of for most of my adult life ............. what a joke that is !!

And then this morning - knowing I was gonna write this 'down in the mouth' post I went looking for a picture that would illustrate the exhausted heart ....... and found this....... 

It challenged me to NOT give up............I am - after all - WOMAN

It Happened

After all my years blogging - and leaving comments on other blogs it finally happened......

I got blindsided by some little twerp who told me 
"And for morningstar, the key is that 24/7 naked in chains sexy time CANNOT be maintained, but 24/7 being a slave CAN. It just means that a lot of the time it seems rather ordinary on the surface."

jesus joseph and mary!!! 

quite obviously this lil slave does not read here - does not know me.........and truthfully I should just let it go... but dammit she made me angry ... I have never EVER wanted only the sexy 50 Shades of Grey BDSM...... EVER!  What I am living through right now is not even close to ordinary .............. it is a messy screwed up pile of emotions on both sides................

I just want to slap her - and that is so not me .......... honest true it isn't........... and at this point in my life you'd think I would know better than to respond (on any level) to some smart mouthed - holy than thou slave who believes there is only one TRUE way to do this .................. grrrrrrrrr............ 

I have been in this lifestyle for going on 30 years now...... I am LONG past the sexy in chains fantasy ............. I would love to see her keep on trucking if her Master told her He didn't get any pleasure from her anymore - if her Master didn't validate her service - didn't even notice it anymore... wonder how long she could hang on doing the service only thing before developing a little angst........

She doesn't read here (at least I doubt very much she does) but if she did .......  I have one last thing to say to her...............

(and now I will put away my soap box - bury the hurt feelings - and go to the gym and work out my anger)



    

Ray of Sunshine

It's been difficult to try and explain with words what life has been like around here...

One of the reasons being, I couldn't figure out what was wrong - other than feeling very lost - not anchored or steady or having any direction..........

Then one day recently - we laughed together and joked -- and I realized that my spirit lifted........... 

Laughter and joking and joy had taken a holiday from our lives and it was dark and dreary and just a little bit scary.

It didn't stay for long - just a brief ray of sunshine ......... but it was enough to make me realize what was missing....... and to give me hope that maybe one day soon - the laughter and the joking and the joy will return.

The other stuff will come later - I hope.

Sunday Sentiments

X-Rated

or - How I made my photography teacher speechless.............



I know a few of you have asked me to post some of my pictures again... BUT this summer, any pictures I took just lacked "passion" - I lacked passion when taking pictures.......... 

For my class on Tuesday night I had to bring 3 of my favourite pictures.

I went back in my files and found the clown face pic... the red door through the gate pic and a picture of my lilies from this summer.  I took loads of flower pics this summer but they were ho hum pictures - just flowers - nothing spectacular....... 

But there was this one picture of the lilies... I had popped my macro lens on and took the lily from the side........ the stamen was amazing!!  So I popped that picture onto the memory stick and took them to class.

The first picture was the red door and the teacher was quite chatty about the colours - the angle - the all over composition and lighting.  Next was the clown picture and  everyone was wowed (well it is quite dramatic)..........

And then up came my lily picture.  You could have heard a pin drop in the class.  The teacher fidgeted, crossed his legs and uncrossed them.... cleared his throat a couple of times...finally he muttered "not many people take pictures of flowers from the side....... it ..ahhhh.... ummmm.. certainly accentuates the ahhh... ummmm" and someone in the class filled in the missing word "STAMEN"

Here's the picture that left my teacher speechless..............

   

Girlfriends

I am very lucky - since I moved here to Kingston I have met two amazing women.  Last spring we met for lunch one Sunday........... and talked and cried and laughed and talked some more.

That one lunch has evolved into a monthly lunch meetup ........ for the first time in my life I guess - I really understand "we have your back"............ yup I get it cause they do -  have my back and me theirs.

We are all submissives...........one has a part time partner - one has no partner and - well -you know where I am with our relationship.  Sunday's lunch was a mix of silliness - finding a TOP who will come to beat two of our asses (and one day soon - all 3 of our asses) right through serious thoughtful advice ..... tears and laughter and talking.

I don't know where I was going with this - except to say I am a lucky subbie to have 2 such good friends...... that have my back............ 

A Love Letter

A different sort of love letter

Words heard frequently by lovers - "it's not you - it's all me".......... heard so often that we don't see that there can be truth in that.

Dearest W 

You wrote/said those words over and over to me  "it's not you ...it's me" only I didn't believe you......... and I am sorry for not believing you........... 

I am slowly coming to understand that it really truly is NOT me......... but a struggle you are going through that is weighing you down and wearing you out.

It is long past time for me to stop making this about me - but to turn my heart to you... and my strength - and whatever else you need.  This is not about me.....

If love could fix problems then trust me this problem you are facing would be gone - poof!  in a flash - all gone.  

BUT love can not fix problems.  You can fix them with hard work and support.  Know I am here for you - I will support you - I will love you - I will continue (ok ok go back to - cause I kinda lost my way there for a little while) to be the best damn submissive any Dominant could want.  I do this because I love you and because I know on the other side of this 'storm' is the best life possible for us - for You and me.

WE will get through this together............... 

I am sorry I didn't understand that this really isn't about me - it isn't anything I have done............ I get it now.

I love you with all my heart..........

Your littleone