"I think I can .. I think I can"

I am sure you have all been holding your breath waiting for my promised update on "bookkeeping"............. 

Ok so........... 

On Friday I went to the website and took another long look at the software........ and placed an order for the Pro + Payroll.  Then a window opened telling me I could download the software and try it out until the actual CD arrived.  I also downloaded and printed out the help booklet (all 40+ pages of it!!)

The first thing the help booklet said ' was to gather all the necessary paperwork'.  At that point I figured I had worked hard enough on this bookkeeping thing........ so I turned off the computer.  Saturday morning I felt a wee bit guilty about giving up so easily... so with coffee in hand I set about gathering up all the paperwork - business numbers - bank account numbers - pay slips .. piles and piles of paper.  (are you bored yet??)

Once that was done - I figured I had worked hard enough on this bookkeeping thing ... so I went online and played my games.. answered emails ..and frittered away the rest of the day.

Sunday morning at 5 am I had a major case of the guilts.... I was not going to learn this bookkeeping thing if I kept finding excuses not to buckle down and get at it.  So I made some coffee... turned on the computer  - NOT the internet - and got started.

After an hour or so I had set up my business account and had moved along to setting up my employee's file.   And that was as far as I got.  No matter what I did - I could not get the damn program to accept the hourly wages.  I was almost in tears.. but decided a 3rd cup of coffee might help.

It was about half way through that cup of coffee when I hit some button (don't ask me what button - cause I haven't a clue) and up came this message that said something to the effect of "for full pay roll capabilities - you have to order the Pro+Pay CD" 

Well ok then!!  I moved along and set up my client files - even managed to figure out how to invoice... and that was that.  Nothing more I can do until such time as the CD arrives.

Except..........

Cross my fingers that when I upload the software off this blessed CD - that all the work I did manage to do will magically appear....... 

Good night Irene

Only a "MAN" would decide to hold a boat launching in the middle of the tropical storm Irene........ trust me - only a man!!!

Ok let me explain - 

The Commander (oh I am sure he has some fancy title other than Commander - but what do I know from titles??) of the 78th Frasier Highlanders retired a year ago (I think) The men (questionable use of the term - trust me) bought him a remote controlled model ship to build (a German PT boat at that - go figure  - like I said only a man!!) to celebrate his retiring from an (wait for it !!) infantry garrison!


Well the building of this German PT boat was completed and the Commander decided to hold a "boat launching" on Sunday August 28th at 2:00 p.m.  (the invitation was quite formal) 


By Saturday - I was pretty damn sure this boat launching would be cancelled.. By Sunday I was positive !  You only had to look out the window to figure out no one in their right mind would go out - never mind go down to the lake and launch a damn model boat!!!

But being a woman - of course I was wrong.  At 10 W sent me an email saying the event was still a go and did I still want to attend....... W even offered to take me out to my favourite restaurant for lunch ( a bribe I suspect)  .......... Oh what the hell - I had worked hard all weekend on the damn bookkeeping program (more on that another day) I figured I deserved a break - and why not get wet and pummeled by winds to brighten up my weekend and add a little excitement to it. 


So I grabbed my camera and off we went - batten down the hatches had a whole new meaning for me while I tried to hold on to the hood to my raincoat - my purse and my camera bag on the run to the car.  (God what HAD I been thinking!!)


W and I had a nice dry lunch then off we went to the sailing club.  It was interesting to me that I had been affiliated with this Canadian Armed forces sailing club through marriage some 30 years ago........ and it was fun to go back to the place of my early naughty days.

Stupid me - ok ok I can be a "woman" some times - wore heels for god's sakes!! to maneuver through puddles and mud slides and fallen tree branches!!  to get to the safety of the club house.  


The model PT boat was proudly displayed by the door.


People were gathered around drinking wine - eating hagis - and sausage rolls and cheese and ............ talking and socializing.  If it wasn't for Irene blowing and blustering outside the walls of the club house - it might have been a really enjoyable afternoon.   


Not being the world's most social person I went and stood looking out the windows at the poor lonely sail boats being knocked about by Irene's winds.  I kept watching one lil fore lone sailboat that honestly looked like it wasn't going to weather the storm.

I asked the retired commander if he was REALLY going  to launch the model in the lake??!!  No no.. he had a Plan B in place.  On the deck - under an awning (that was barely hanging on) was a rubber dinghy filled with water.  The model boat was going to be launched in the dinghy!!!

I am here to report that the launching was a HUGE success - the model boat didn't sink - the Commander even used the controls and got the thing to go back and forth in the dinghy....... BUT the champagne was not cracked across it's bow - rather it was uncorked and shared by one and all - safely inside the club house.

I was just starting to wonder when one could gracefully slip away from this festive little group - when there was an horrendous cracking sound - and then a crash and a thud that shook the whole club house.  A massive tree branch had broken and crashed into the side of the building right where I was sitting.   Excuse me!!!  but I had seen enough news casts about trees crashing into buildings and killing / maiming or otherwise injuring the occupants.  It was time to go!!


As I climbed into bed last night - I hummed a few bars of "good night Irene good night Irene" and prayed that she would have moved on by morning......... I had survived her.. W had survived her.. hell even the little model PT boat had survived her!!

My heart is so full..........

I saw W today - for lunch and an outing - yeah in the middle of "Irene".......... but more on that another day.  


Over lunch we were discussing life - you know a little bit of this and a little bit of that.   I brought up a touchy subject - an old topic - a ghost from the past that is also in the present.  


We were hashing over the details - sharing thoughts and W said something that touched me to my very core........... He said (and yeah yeah I am paraphrasing) "I had to stop it - it is what you do for your partner".


I think I have been waiting 10+ years to hear those words - or the idea behind those words........ I come first... FIRST.  It made my heart swell and beat a little faster.  


We truly are "partners" working hard to fit all the puzzle pieces together and come together stronger and better......... It is an amazing feeling !

Too many..................

HATS!!!!!

Right now I am wearing wayyyyyy too many hats.

Let me explain - from the beginning.

Many years ago a friend made me a "one of a kind doll" ........ The doll had a big wide brimmed hat .......... on the brim of the hat were labels of all the "hats" I wore......."mother, wife, sister, teacher, daughter"  well you get the idea.  and the note with the doll said something to the effect - "don't forget you wear many hats - don't let it wear you down".

I kept that doll in the kitchen (where I would see it every single day) to remind myself that yes indeed I did wear a lot of different hats and yes indeed it could wear me down.


Yesterday morning I sent W an email.  We really didn't have anything social planned this weekend (well there's a maybe for Sunday - but what with the predicted weather it is a BIG maybe) And I suggested that we didn't spend the weekend running around looking for a new computer - finding one (I am sure) and then  spend the rest of the time teaching me bookkeeping........ I knew my brain just couldn't handle it.

Ok I was trying to make a point here and seemed to have gotten off the beaten track a bit.

I think I told you all that my accountant who has managed my Preschool books for years and years, is no longer able to do it.  I have been trying to find someone to replace him with absolutely NO success...........either they are all too busy to take on a wee little business like mine .......... OR......... they want to charge me huge amounts of money to take on my little business.  So with W's persuasive advice I made up my mind to try and do the bookkeeping myself (which means a new computer which is why we were thinking of going computer shopping) .......

This is just one more "hat" I am going to be wearing this year............ bookkeeper.


And early this morning I was thinking of all the different hats I wear now... and looking to see if there was any ...... even a small one......... I could remove from my head so that I had a little breathing room.


All that to say - I have taken down my 365 blog.......... it was great when I was recuperating from surgery and needed something to focus my mind on.. something to get me up and out of the house..... It is not so good now... when I am up and running from sun up to sun down.... mind as focused as it is ever gonna be.  So it is gone.  (the blog I mean - not my mind!)

I am also not going to put pressure on myself to write here every day.  Believe it or not I do stress when I haven't written for a day - never mind 2 days!!!  It seems too important that I come here and talk with you all at least once a day.  (Mind you - talk is used very loosely as most of you who visit don't say "boo") 

I am going to try (try being the operative word here) NOT to let other people's drama get to me quite so easily.  And trust me when I say some  people have a whole LOT of drama going on - either of their own making (most of the time) or someone else's (not so much)  Eureka !!!  I found the delete button and am gonna start using it......... instead of feeling I must respond with words of wisdom.


I am going to try and devote my time to things that matter.......... 
First and foremost - my relationship with W....... I want things to keep moving forward - I want things to keep improving - I want to make it better than it ever was!
I want to stay on top of work and not let it lag behind and stress me
I want to master this damn bookkeeping thing........... (I have to get the voices out of my head that say "SHE can't do math!!) and just do it !
I want time for my family - and close friends
I want ME time - so I can recharge the batteries and keep on ticking.......... 


So now you know ........... too many hats tend to give one a major migraine........ no migraines for me this year !!!

 

Melting

I kneel in front of you.......

You run it across my lips teasing me... the tip of my tongue slides out and runs around my lips expectantly.

Slowly you slide it into my mouth with a warning not to bite.  I curl my tongue around it and hold it gently.

I lift my tongue and press it against the roof of my mouth. I feel the cool smoothness - I lower my tongue and let it drop ...... gently I suck on it... beginning to taste the sweet bitterness.


It starts to melt into my tongue and I sigh ......... I raise my eyes and look at you - You smile down at me .......placing your hand on my cheek, stroking it.


By now it is coating my tongue and dripping down my throat.  I savor it..... wanting it to go on forever...... but once it starts it doesn't stop.......... 


You lift my face and kiss me deeply .............. whispering "no more till tomorrow"..........

Chocolate never tasted so good.....


 

10 More

months that is............ 10 more months till summer vacation.

Yup I started back to school this morning.  Started the year off real well.......... the alarm didn't go off.. I slept in!!!!  All summer I have been waking up at 5 o'clock - 6 at the latest... but not this morning... Oh no .. this morning I was like a school kid not wanting to budge out of bed.


But I pulled on my "big girl panties" and off I went.


Which is why I am late writing my blog today.


Which is why I may be late every day.


Which is why I may even miss a day or two.


This going back to work (after 7 months lazing around) is gonna take some getting used to... 


But - 10 months from now I can laze around and sleep in.......... 10 more months.

Lubrication

 Many moons ago - i had a submissive friend........... someone i really and truly admired.  She was real time - married with kids - a full time teacher - and managed somehow to keep all the plates in the air.  She had a quiet grace that made me want to emulate her....... she also had a strong will and an even stronger backbone.  


Then - something happened - history, old history that i will not repeat here, and she and her hubbie backed off completely from the public scene.  As far as i know they didn't do D/s or anything for years and years.  


They came back this summer.  I was lucky enough to visit with her and her Dominant husband twice this summer.  Her quiet grace, strong will and even stronger backbone are all still very apparent.  I am back admiring her...... hero worship in a way.


She left a very interesting comment on an article on Fet Life a while back......... and it spoke to me.  She wrote:

"I know that if there is no "lubrication", I get annoyed. For example, if I do all my exercises, ask permission for every morsel of junk, use SIR as much as possible, and forego the underwear, I expect some fun stuff to keep my mind submissive. If I get no sex, no underwear checks, no "looks", no kink, then I figure I am in a vanilla relationship. If I am in a vanilla relationship, I am an equal and do not ask permission for anything."

That was one of the problems I identified in the relationship between W and myself last spring.  There was no "lubricant" as she put it............ 


Mind you.......... in all fairness .......... W said i was fighting him every step of the way...... which means there was no "lubricant" on his part either.


And when there is no lubricant - everything grinds to a halt........ and it hurts........ BIG TIME.


I would like to think......... hope......... that W and I are working towards finding that lubricant again.............. 

As the expression goes - you don't know what you have till it's gone.  I know very well what I had........ and there is a big part of my soul that is missing it.

Weekend in review

Saturday was the monthly meeting of the Whip Club - actually the last one for the summer.  I wrote a very tongue in cheek review of this club a month ago.  If you missed it you can read about it HERE.  (i do believe it was one of the more humorous blog entries I have written.)

I wasn't entirely sure W and I would be going.  The forecast for the day was hot - hotter - hottest.  And it just isn't much fun to stand around in an open (no shade) park swinging whips at wobbling balloons in that much heat. In packing to go to W's I threw in my lap top - just in case we didn't go - so I would have something to wile away the hours.

But much to my surprise W suggested we go along......... so go along we did.  

On the plus side if you stood in the shade (what little there is of it) there was a slight breeze to keep you from dying of heat exhaustion - or getting sun stroke.  There were a few submissives there this time and we congregated in the shade watching the doms swinging........... whips folks whips!!  

On the downside - for some reason - there was a police car parked at the end of the park keeping a close eye on our shenanigans.......... that kinda put a damper on my offer to be a living breathing target.......... as long as I could stay in the shade.  I kinda think the rifle cracks of the whips had put the general populace on edge - and the police showed up to make sure there was nothing nasty and evil going on.............. more's the pity.  


(on a side note - and because this is my blog and I can bitch if I want to - it has been 2 weeks since my ass saw the business end of a whip - or flogger - or paddle for that matter - so I was hoping for a little tease - a little taste - but everyone's nerves were on edge with the local constabulary looking on.)

The nice thing about this whip club (in my humble opinion) is that following it - they hold a munch - where everyone is invited - not just the whip wielding Doms.  I do like munches - for the most part.  They are a more inviting way to sit and chat with friends from the lifestyle.  Play parties seem to be all business - and not a whole lot of in depth discussion.  

This munch was not quite so chatty.  I think it had a lot to do with the overcrowding of the restaurant.  It intrigued me that the best conversation was held in the parking lot when we were all leaving.  


I did hear some discussion about continuing the monthly munches over the fall and winter months - even though the whip club will be on hiatus.  I would like that........ play parties - real PLAY parties - are few and far between during the winter - and i miss the play aspect - as well as the touching base with friends.


Ahhhh yes.. one other thing we did this weekend - was try and get me into my new corset.  I have no idea what went wrong - I had sent my measurements (no cheating on them either) and the size of the most recent corset I bought - BUT - despite all of that - the corset I received is just too damn small.  (see my pouty face??) 


On a bright note though - and YEAH for at least one company understanding "customer service" - the woman who runs this corset on line shop - has agreed to meet up with me in September at Fetish Weekend - take back the corset that doesn't fit - and fit me with a new one.  YAY !!!


A question for those of you who own / wear corsets - what the hell do you wear WITH them??? I have one long black skirt that I wear constantly with my corset.  BUT as I am thinking of buying a leather corset - complete with straps and buckles and zippers - I can't see this fancy skirt working with leather.  What the hell do I wear with it???  What do YOU wear with a corset??


And that is about it for my Weekend in Review...............
 

My logic

Now truthfully I am not known for my logic....... yeah I know that's a tough one to swallow.. but I'm not.  My logic is pretty much twisted......... but I slog on with my twisted logic.. mostly keeping it to myself - until someone says something that I just can't get my head around - that just doesn't seem logical - to me.

I received an email this past week - that made the assumption that a Dom is not monogamous.  

Ok see now that threw me ....... big time.  What does one thing have to do with another??!!!  There are monogamous Dominants and Poly Dominants and Dominants who screw around behind their submissive's backs.  

Why is it people assume that Dominants are some god-like creature that can make up rules to suit their needs/wants and desires with no thought to anyone else???  What is the point of early talks about expectations... limits.. and all the other stuff we are supposed to clear up before becoming involved - IF - the Dominant can just ignore all that communication and do what he bloody wants to ??? 

One of the things I have been absolutely totally clear on - from my first day in the lifestyle - some 25 years ago - is that I am monogamous - AND I don't want poly anything AND if you - the Dominant - are into poly and non-monogamy - then we don't fit.  

My logic says  - IF you are a submissive and you want to play with my Dominant  ( yes MY Dominant) then you had better check with me first....... and don't be surprised if I tell you to take a long walk off a short pier.  IF you have the hots for my Dominant - don't use some twisted logic of your own - about Dominants being free to play with - screw with - spank with - any damn person they want to.............. 

Cause in "my world " (of rose coloured glasses)

that makes you a slut and probably the Dominant too (if he does play around) .............

but then..........this is all just my twisted logic.........

 

Summer School review

Well for the last 4 weeks Pigpen and I have worked hard - outside under the big brown umbrella.  

We did manage to work our way from Aa all the way through to Zz - it was a really hard job.. but we did it !!!

Monday we are gonna take all the pages of printing and turn them into an alphabet book........ with his picture on it and his name on it (hopefully he will be able to tackle his name - but I have serious doubts) and then have a celebration.

(Personally I think Pigpen celebrated the minute I left on Friday !! )  It was a good 4 weeks - the grandkids and I got closer - Pigpen got a little more ready for school - even I feel a little more focused and ready to return to work ............




 

And that's all I have for today.............  

I do have a blog of more substance brewing in my addled brain - but it needs to brew a little longer............. (so I don't insult anyone....... cheeky grin ......... like I have ever worried about that!!)

Scent of a man

I curled up beside him on the couch.  He was naked from the waist up.  His back still glistening slightly from his shower.

His scent filled my senses - male scent - spicy scent - good enough to eat scent.

I laid my cheek against his back and breathed deeply - inhaling his masculine scent. I put an arm across his back - pulling him closer...... wanting....... needing him closer.  The scent wafted over me - enveloping me.  I closed my eyes and breathed deeper - dragging it into my mind - wanting the smell to be in me........licking my lips .......... thinking it was a good enough to eat smell...... wanting to nibble..........

My mouth opened and carefully and gently I nibbled on his shoulder ......... but there was an intensity inside me... a deep burning need inside me... my teeth nipped and bit and he swatted at me - like one swats at a mosquito.

My mouth moved around to his back - I slid down between his back and the couch and let my teeth nip and nibble and leave soft gentle marks on his back.


I moved back to his arm - working up to his shoulder - wanting to devour him........ this scent driving me a little mad.


He laughed out loud - turning from what he was doing - he pushed me down on the sofa and started his own nibbling.... biting...... and I was squealing now.. His scent forgotten in the sharp little bites up and down my arm.  I wiggled and squealed and laughed out loud.  


And then we were sitting side by side again - with him doing whatever it was he was doing.... and I was lost in his scent..... with a wistful smile.

Hakuna Matata

The long and short of it............. it is the best show I have EVER seen.  From the opening scene with elephants and giraffes and lions and gazelle and birds swooping onto the stage from every point of the theater......... right to the very end - it was amazing!!

I can't even pick a favourite part - I can't even find one part that was boring or dragged..... 

It was awesome - from start to finish !!!

From the 9 year olds who played Simba and Nala 

to Timon and Pumba who offered comic relief.......... 

 Zazu  the quick thinking - fast talking majordomo 

Mufasa and Sarabi

Yes - The Lion King kept me from running screaming off the edge of the planet......... 
It was just amazing !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hakuna Matata everyone!!!

This 'n That

OR ........... the proverbial bouncing ball post...............

My "to do" list is growing............ and so is my stress list............

School starts next week - did you hear me NEXT WEEK!!!  ARRRRGHHHHH I am so not ready....... and getting less ready with each passing day.........

Ok - starting at the beginning and moving forward from there........ 

Ordalie asked in my post on Worry Wart........ what teacher and why a meeting?? I have talked about this before........ but it may bear repeating seeing as a new year is beginning.. seeing as a lot of my stress is due to the school year starting.... and seeing how at least one reader has missed old posts about school............ 

Many many moons ago I started an early learning program at the school I was teaching in.........  It was given the seal of approval by the school board......... I actually switched from teaching Kindergarten - to teaching the first class in the Early Learning Program - a mixed class of  special needs kids and regular kids.  Almost immediately we discovered there just wasn't room to expand this program to include children under the age of 4.  So my one lil class of 4 year olds continued..... (and continues to this day) .  Fast forward a few years - and the Board in  it's infinite wisdom - in NOVEMBER - decided that there couldn't be a 4 year old class in the school.  I had to take it private. (stick with me here folks ...... I promise it will all pull together and be very relevant to today and my stress)
 
So I had 4 weeks to take this one lil class private - turn it into a private Preschool Program.  (which I managed to do in 3 weeks!!! which included getting TWO different government licenses and an accountant) 

Fast forward again - about 10 years and now I am running umpteen programs within the school and was offered a brand spanking new position of Daycare Responsable - which basically means pencil pusher for all the programs that I ran.  I then had to hire a teacher to take over my lil Preschool Class........ which I did.

Now fast forward to this year........... it is a new year ........ and like with every new year I meet with the teacher of this lil Preschool class that I own........ to discuss the program for the upcoming year.......... present her with her contract for the year..... and dump off the supplies for the year.  (ok Ordalie - do you understand now why I am meeting with my teacher??)


In the past this start to the new year has been relatively smooth.  After so many it is hard not to have it down pat and running smoothly. 


ONLY


Last week I got an email from my accountant.  The man - god bless him - who took over all the bookkeeping cause trust me when I say math was never my strong point and bookkeeping and accounting was wayyyyyyyyy over my head.  For a pittance this man did my piddly payroll every week - did the tax with holdings every month - answered any and all questions the governments had - did my complicated and confusing taxes every year - and did it all with a sigh and a smile.   This email that he sent me said that he was giving up the accounting business due to health reasons.  I knew it was a kind of form letter he was sending to all his clients - I knew it meant - after nearly 15 years of fighting cancer - he was losing the battle.  


I saw him yesterday.  He told me that he has been told by his doctors to put his affairs in order there is nothing more they can do for him.  


To say that that news hit me like a ten ton truck in the gut is an understatement.  This man has been my rock for nearly 20 years.  And - is so often the case - I didn't know what a treasure I had in him until yesterday.  I had to look for a new accountant.


Now - add mega stress !!!  Everyone I have spoken to will charge me 3 times......... 3 TIMES - the amount this man charged me.......... and will do 1/3 of the work.  They won't do payroll - won't calculate the tax with holdings.  I am in panic mode  (remember the line above - about me and math??!! no further questions needed!)

Now one accountant has suggested I "rent" this software from the government which does the payroll and does the with holdings and he will kindly do my taxes - and the government forms that need doing every year......... all for this hefty increase I mentioned.

I am sure this software is as easy as he says it is............. IF you understand math!!  AND I am sure I can eventually learn it............ BUT........... my fees for the year are already set... my budget is engraved in stone........... as it is I take a measly salary from the program - now it looks as though I will be working for free............ hours and hours of working for free ............... (and remember I also hold a full time job at another school) I am thinking that the plan I had to use this lil Preschool out on the Island as a cushion for my retirement just went flying out the window.  I am also thinking IF I can somehow limp through this year I may have to close down this baby of mine............... 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ok besides that stress - I have to schedule car maintenance - car rust proofing sometime in the next 3 days that I have free before school starts.  Do ya think they will have appointments to fit MY schedule???!!!  My bet is ............ N O.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ok besides that - I have to get into my school - where I work full time - and find out just how bad my staffing situation is for this year.  And despite W saying the Board HAS to find me workers - they don't.  And on the first day of school I will have over 100 children in the in-school daycare - and over 300 children staying for lunch and I don't have the staff to cover it all.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And on top of all that - I am still "tutoring" middle grandson to help get him ready for Kindergarten.  I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel .  Today we will do the letters "Uu, Vv, and Xx"  He grinds his teeth at me now........... told me yesterday he would much rather be playing video games - complained the whole time we were struggling with "Qq, Rr, Ss and Tt" that his tummy hurt.  


Honestly I should have started this project back in July - hell when I was teaching it took 10 months to teach the kiddies how to write the letters (and numbers - which I won't be doing) and how the letters come together to make words (which I have tried this summer but have stopped - wayyyyyyyyyy too much information in wayyyyyyyyy too short a time)


I keep reassuring myself - that pig pen will have more skills on the first day of school than if I hadn't started this tutoring - BUT - I keep feeling I could have done more - done better - done it all differently.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On the bright side......... cause ya know there is always a bright side.  There has to be or I would run screaming off the edge of the planet.  Tonight W and I are going to see "The Lion King" ......... a brief respite in the midst of chaos.

And that is it for the bouncing ball that is my life.

Puzzling the pieces

I had a blog sorta/kinda pieced together in my head for this morning's entry.  Then i read an article by Midori and shelved the original planned entry.

If anyone still doesn't know who Midori is......... you can check out her bio here....... 


W and i went to two of her workshops when she was in Montreal.  I was very impressed with her skills of "profiling" shall we say.  I had signed up to be a victim participant in her workshop on humiliation - but she came to me before hand and said (having read my application form) that she would not do humiliation on me... that I should avoid forms of humiliation play - and damn she was right on !!!  (I discovered later that I would probably go after anyone who tries to humiliate me tooth and nail)


Ok... all that to say......... I stumbled across a new article written by Midori this morning entitled BDSM's Dirty Secret  and it made me sit up and take notice.  In fact I read the whole article twice.

In my humble opinion (or not so humble really) I think she has hit the nail right on the head.  

Back in the day when W and I would go out to play at clubs - there was an energy that was so strong you could feel it , taste it, smell it.  Those energies have slowly disappeared, evaporated.  And I thought it was just me... thought that W and I had reached a level of play that made everyone go "ewwwwwwwwwww" and run screaming from our scene.  No one around us seemed to play that way...... no one around us seemed to have any sparks.  Everyone seems to play with a showmanship style - with technique and form - and very little else.

And I realized a lot of that energy that I was so accustomed to was missing when I bottomed last summer.

Midori put it so well in her article.  She says "the danger inherent in SM is intimacy and human connection.  Because, at some level, SM demands participants to be true to their desires and hungers, vulnerabilities and savagery.  Fully engaged kink insists on full presence without pretense and willingness to connect the raw humanity to another's raw humanity"  

YES YES YES !!!  so often what I see now at parties are people hooking up for a little slap and tickle sort of play.  There is no connection - no bond.  And often times once the scene is over - the participants separate and move on to other players.... wash rinse and repeat.  


I don't feel or see any connection.  I do see a lot of technical perfection.  I do see a lot of showmanship.  It doesn't look anything like what W and I do.  We don't stand on showmanship......... we get hot and sweaty and work hard.  We connect .... W will stop and stroke ... I will dance my jig and call him names... i have even been known to shout out "FUCK that hurts!!" .. we will laugh together and hug and caress and bond together.  


Personally I do not care what someone thinks of our "fetwear" or our "style" .. all that matters to me is the coming together in the midst of exploding fireworks........ And when we are done - the toys are often thrown here and there (a treasure hunt to find them and sort them and get them back in their individual carrying cases) - both W's and my body are drained - and tired.  We have sought heights of desire that so few seem interested in anymore.  


So.... BDSM has changed.  From raw desire - to showmanship. 


And that - my dear friends - is just another puzzle piece fitting into place in "My Adventurous Journey".

Summer Festivals

 

Montreal is probably the City of Festivals - once the snow melts (cheeky grin) We do love to party !!!

It all starts off in June with Les FrancoFolies in early June - the Fringe Festival in Mid June - The Jazz Festival in late June early July - the Just for Laughs Festival through July - Divers/Cite Festival In late July ............... and winds up (as far as I am concerned) with Gay Pride in August.  

Our Gay Pride Parade was yesterday.  Now it doesn't touch (from what I am told ) Toronto's Gay Pride Parade - but it is ours and I am proud of it!!!  There were many years that I proudly went to the Parade - hell one year my girlfriend at the time and I decided to take a hotel in the Gay Village and stay down for the entire weekend!!!  

For many years the only "leather" that you saw in the parade were the "Leather boys" boy did they get my heart a pumping (and yes yes I know they are GAY!!)  Now the leather community straight, bi, gay and everything in between  join up and march proudly in the parade.  

I had toyed with the idea of going into town for the parade this year.  W and I had nothing else planned - weren't seeing each other this weekend - and it has been a couple of years since I attended and truthfully I have to admit I was missing it.  But between one thing and another I didn't go down yesterday......... despite the fact that I am now the proud owner of a leather dress (I don't much like the smell - or the feel for that matter - of leather) BUT sacrifices must be made in the name of "fashion" or in this case the 'community' (cheekier grin)

From what I hear - I missed a good parade / a good party.  I am sorry I missed it.  Next year for sure - come hell or high water - I am putting on my one and only leather dress and going to go and proudly strut my stuff........and celebrate the end of the Festival Season and the start of school...............

Worry Wart

 

No I mean it "just shoot me now" pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee... and put me out of my misery

Misery I might add - brought on totally and completely by myself....... no help from others... all by myself.  It seems I am really good at doing stuff "all by myself"..... sigh.. and worrying tops the list.

I am worried about the mystery pains that still haunt my belly - and yes yes I have talked to the new specialist - well his office - and they say it will be at least another month before the tests.

I am worried about eldest daughter and this reconciliation with her hubbie - that is on again off again........ and looks for all the life of me like divorce is looming........... and despite her misguided beliefs it also looks like she might just loose her shirt ..so yeah I am worried.

I am worried  when I don't hear from W for hours and hours........ especially in the evenings when we seem to correspond more than during the day........ Last night I heard nothing from him from 4 till 12something........... yeah yeah I know - it wasn't days and days...... it was ONLY 8+ hours - but it worried me ... sick.......... and buggered up my sleep - at least until I finally heard from him......... 

I worry about submissives who believe they are invincible - who have all the right safety measures in place - BUT don't use them........... I have been down this road so many damn times........ picking up the pieces after everything goes to hell in a hand basket ..............

I worry about scheduling all the tasks I still have to complete before work starts ... from finishing lessons - to meeting with my teacher - to getting the car maintenance work done - to getting the car rust proofed - I worry about starting back to work and the changes that await me......... I think I get a "gold star" in the worry department!!

Just shoot me now - ok?? cause trust me I have tried to stop worrying... I have tried to take a 'laisser faire' attitude.. I have tried sleeping pills and anti-anxiety pills and still I worry ............. a quick and painless death would be preferable to all this worrying.......