FLASH !

i was outside yesterday...... taking a 5 minute break from the bedlam inside .......... sitting quietly in my car listening to the birds singing.. noticing that the leaves have started to change out on the island............... mediating in my own way...... quieting myself down.. centering myself.. letting my mind go where it will..


When i had this tightening in my belly.. excitement - butterflies- nervousness ..

And then i had this flash of a picture in my head..

i was on my hands and knees -
i had a leash attached to a collar around my neck..
my head was down..
my upper body was resting on my elbows ...
i was exhausted and sweaty and dirty
my face was streaked with tear stains

And in that flash of a moment's picture i knew i wanted this.... i wanted to be so used.. so beaten.. so humiliated that i was done.. spent.. and sated...

That flash of a momentary picture made me wet .. made me long .. made me crave.. made me fear my very own inspiration.

Wednesday evening Task

Sir was going out for dinner last night....... and on the drive home i was thinking what little jobs i could / would get done around the house - i would organize the stuff for eldest daughter's wedding shower (on Sunday)... i would clean the bathroom AND i would have a very nice .. very long..very bubbly.. very hot bath.

But then there is the saying - "best laid plans of mice and men"........

When i got home there was an email from Sir laying out in detail my task for the evening......

i was to masturbate every hour on the hour - starting at 6 - until bath time
AND... i could have an orgasm each time
sounds pretty good as it is doesn't it??

yeah EXCEPT i was to masturbate on Mr Mat..



Now personally i hate Mr Mat....... and i especially hate Mr Mat when i am masturbating .. all those pricky pointy things digging into private pink bits .. ass.. and legs while i am writhing and wiggling ........

AND because i broke the hitachi knock off .. i can only use it near an electric outlet - which is why i bought the knock off in the first place - it had batteries so i could use it anywhere !!!

So i decided to use one of the other battery operated vibrators .. and read some porn..........

Read some porn you ask?? yeah.. i figured it was gonna be a necessitity..... i wasn't the least bit horny.. my mind wasn't even close to thinking about sex and orgasms and vibrators ....... never mind Mr. Mat.. never mind one every hour for 3 hours or so !!!

So i went and found the other vibrator that had been relegated to the back of the night table (for emergencies ) put new batteries in and went to find my favourite porn site.. (click HERE if you really want to know what i read as porn)

i put Mr Mat on the chair and clicked on the site.. and started reading.. leaving the vibrator lying on the desk until it was needed........ didn't take too long for me to be reaching - oh yes oh yes now! - for the vibrator........... turned it on and slid it in...... (not an easy job as Mr Mat tends not to allow one to slide down the chair for easy entry)

And it was like my world stopped spinning.. just came to an abrupt halt..
WTF?? was the vibrator turned on?? was it turned on HIGH??? yes and yes.........
oh god....... it wasn't going to work.. i needed.. desperately my hitachi knock off...... more rotations per second than my now "ex" favourite vibrator.......... UGH ........

so i packed up Mr. Mat and moved to the bedroom where the hitachi knock off was laying in wait....... plugged it in.. laid Mr Mat on the bed (and had one brief thought that maybe Mr Mat would be a kinder gentler Mr Mat on a mattress) and laid down..(no kinder gentler Mr Mat - trust me) ...... grabbing the hitachi knock off.. and getting down to business....



It didn't take long for the first orgasm...... even with spikey picky Mr Mat now torturing my ass.. my pink bits.. my legs.. AND my back !!!

At 7 i read the porn till i reached the "oh yes yes yes NOW" stage.. and made a dash for the bedroom and flung myself down on Mr Mat (OUCH) and proceeded to get down to business - so to speak.......

By the 8 o'clock deadline .. the porn wasn't talking to me as loudly as the thought of lying once more on Mr. Mat..... suffice it to say the 3rd and final orgasm was not as much fun..... and when i had managed to strangle a small wimpy orgasm out of my body.. and stood up.. Mr Mat came with me.. glued to .. stuck to.. my body........

When i text messaged Sir that i had finished ... i mentioned i was sure i had a permanently dimpled behind !!!

BUT oh god it was fun !!!!!

On Service

i have been thinking just recently about how many submissives have no idea about the service side of BDSM... it was just kind of a thought floating around in the back of my mind......

Then i read swan's post and thought to myself.... yes yes yes.. she is so right.. there is duty and honour and obedience in this lifestyle. And once again i thought about writing something on service.......

Yesterday, i read kitten's post on her service to her Master and thought ok that's it.. time to write my opinion on the service side of BDSM.

My absolute favourite place - when i was in training - was kneeling at Sir's feet listening to His words....... learning from Him....... learning what pleased Him.. what He expected. AND i worked hard to teach myself as much as possible by researching on line.. talking to other submissives.... and watching. i will admit i was proactive, i did not expect Sir to fill me up .. like an empty cup. i wanted to come to Him with questions and thoughts and listen to His opinions..... learn and learn some more.

Over my life in the community i have learned a lot of different things.. most recently.... i have learned the difference between tops,bottoms, Dominants, submissives/slaves.. i have learned there are people who are only interested in spanking and being spanked.. i have learned about Domestic Discipline. Like a child i tended to think that the world was all about "my" form of BDSM...

"My" form of BDSM - well i should say truthfully Sir's form of BDSM is one that involves service. Service comes in many shapes and sizes and forms.

The most common definition - the one that pops into people's mind when they hear the term "service" is sex.... you know.. "the service me girl" command. kitten said it well i thought.. when she said that would be an easy service task....... there are more difficult ones.

Service includes so many different facets........ personally i am trained / know
to serve High Tea,
to perform an Oriental Tea Ceremony
to serve a Formal High Protocol BDSM dinner.
to serve with my deportment (dress and mannerisms)
to serve with my voice
those are the things that make up our life together... Sir's and mine.

When i am in full service mode.. full protocol and ritual mode........... i find myself digging deep within myself.. going to a quiet place.. where all my concentration is on the service or the serving... on being pleasing.. on being the best i can be .. a reflection of Sir.. because i am HIS property.

It centers me to be in full blown service mode.... i walk quietly behind Him.. His glass is never empty.. He speaks to me more through hand signals than with words.. we are both very tuned into each other. It is as though the rest of the world is wispy and dreamy and the only main character - the only person not ghosted so to speak - is Sir.

Those are the times that i am at my most graceful, my most obedient, my most submissive. Those times remind me most of my inner geisha.
Those are the times - when they are finished - that i am the most spent, the most sated, the most pleased.

Even day to day service which is not as high protocol or ritualistic still fills me. If it is nothing more than opening the door and allowing Sir to go through first....... waiting for permission to enter a room... kneeling at His feet and waiting for permission to speak my mind or to question....... making sure each meal prepared for Him is something He enjoys, is set before Him in a timely fashion.... is a pleasure to look at - as well as to taste. Washing His clothes and ironing them, cleaning the condo .. changing the bed linens.. everything takes on a new meaning when it is done in service to someone else.

And if you notice........not once in the above did i mention spankings, or floggings, or sessions, or sex. They too are service .. if Sir wishes it to happen........ and sometimes even when He doesn't feel up to it totally, i will receive what i need .. for as much as i service Him .. He knows my needs as well - sometimes better - than i do.

i am finding it more and more difficult to see the new submissives coming onto the scene with no idea.......none whatsoever .... of what service means. It makes my blood boil when they whine and carry on because they are asked to learn more about service. Their attitude is YOU want me to learn then YOU teach me.. YOU do the work!! and when YOU are finished - remember i am here because i want a spanking !!!

Their attitude is all about me me me !! They are defining the "me generation". i am finding there is no duty to their submissiveness .. there is no obedience to their submissiveness.. there is no honour to their submissiveness. It is a selfish gimme gimme submissiveness...... and it has no place in my world.

Some words of advice to newbies......... teach yourself.. research.. come to a relationship with some idea .. some IDEA.. of what it means to be submissive......... don't march in with demands and won't do's and will do's and must have's and expect me to respect you........ because it ain't gonna happen.

As much as you will not be experiencing the level of pain that i experience... nor will you experience the same level of service......... but at least KNOW what service is !!! i earned my stripes the hard way......... so should you......

Slave registration Number 843055

Monday Morning Report.....

i honestly was expecting to have a Monday Morning Report ........... Sir had said Sunday would be spent (at least part of it) down stairs in the play room........ However.. life happened.. as is often the case...... and Sir got called away for the afternoon........Even at that.. He had plans of being home by mid afternoon or so.......... BUT .. as it happened it was after 4 when He returned.. and by the time He had settled in.. it was almost time for me to prepare dinner... soooooooooo all of that to say... there was no play room time yesterday afternoon.........

Now that was more of a problem because in the morning Sir had offered me a little tease.. a little appetizer of what was to come...the sea grass flogger and the crop...and oh my god .. my brain and body were there.. THERE.. ready... vibrating with the need for the play room.. for the hooks from the ceiling.. for the multitude of toys hanging - waiting on the walls.... for pain that left me limp and sweaty and sated.............

But then .. that is the life of a subbie/slave.. instead of hanging from the chains.. i was pushing the new (yeah yeah another NEW vacuum) cleaning up all the sea grass that had sprinkled the living room with remnants... and then - because i do love a freshly cleaned room to play in.. i vacuumed that too.. and did a load or two of laundry.. cleaned up the back patio....... "subbie is my name - service is my game" (but more about that another day)

This is not to say i didn't get any play this weekend........

On Friday night Sir stuck needles in... and more needles.. and then even more needles.. until my ass was covered in pokey pricky needles.. He was having fun slapping the needles once they were in... running His hands over them making them sway.. and making me moan and wiggle

i have to add here.. Sir leaned down at one point and whispered in my ear.. "my porcupine" and my head shot up.. and i looked at Him with hurt eyes.. and realized He hadn't thought about the choice of words.. and He kinda grinned at me.. and i started to laugh.. and said "YES .. i AM Your porcupine" and all was right again
(you see .. during one of the rough patches in the last couple of weeks.. i was called a porcupine.. and not in a nice way !! )

Then Sir slipped between my legs and played with my cunt.. teasing it.. making me moan and wiggle more.......wanting/needing/craving an orgasm.. with just the smallest of fleeting thoughts about how i HATE sex when i am stuck with needles.. i am always so worried of being permanently impaled........ BUT ... Sir was going at me.. in and out.. and around... and i was spreading my legs as far apart as i could and trying to sort of get up on all fours (not something i really can do when i am needle and pinned ) and so there i was in this most unladylike position.......... and in my mind's eye i thought ..forget porcupine .. i must look like a frog.............



And of course i was begging to cum...... and cumming as fast as the permission was given.. hard and long .. with my body flopping about.. and the muscles spasming..

and once i have cum.... it's like ok.. enough now.. don't touch.. go away.... (what happened to the multi-orgasmic woman i once was?? where did she go?? and WHEN did she leave??)

Sir decided to have some fun.... and so He went back to the cunt.. to torture it.. and oh my god.. who knew two hands could be in so many different places .. doing so many different things.. all at the same time..

my jewelry was being tugged and twisted and flicked..
my pussy lips were being pinched.. and twisted.. and pulled wide - wider - and wider apart..
up and down my pussy lips Sir's fingers slid.. twisting and pinching and pulling and tugging.. until i was near to explosion.. and wiggling my ass so unladylike at Him.. wanting Him to thrust into me one more time.. to put this teasing to an end.............

BUT at that point Sir noticed that one of the needles had popped out .. or broken.. there was a drop of blood running down my ass.... and it was like some one hit the "OFF" switch.. we were both looking for the needle.. what with animals in the house we didn't want them finding it.. or walking on it... or even worse god forbid eating it !!!

The session ended rather unceremoniously.... and we never did find the needle..

Sunshine lollipops and rainbows...

It has been a yucky summer (how's that for a scientific weather analysis for ya??) here in the Great White North........ Somewhere around the end of July beginning of August i predicted that summer had not yet arrived....... i predicted it would arrive in time for me to return to work.........



The sun came out on August 14th.. the thermometer rose to startling heights..... i returned to work 6 days later....... sometimes i can be quite accurate on my forecasting......

(ohhh and while i am thinking of forecasting etc.. i hear Friendly Manitoba's summer is over.. done.. completed.. winter is just around the corner !!!)

However back here in sunny hot summery Montreal.. my new principal believed that as my office was unavailable for Thursday and Friday... (due to some poor maintenance scheduling).... i should stay home Thursday and Friday to enjoy two extra days of sunshine .. and well yes.. get some work accomplished!!! (i have to say that is something i could get very accustomed to!!)


Friday Sir arrived before noon............. Saturday we went up North - on a "bus man's holiday"...... delivering flowers to a wedding in a quaint lil ski resort - Chantecler.




It has been a year or so since Sir and i did a wedding............... and i have to admit i enjoy the wedding deliveries.. the final touches i get to add to the arrangements satisfies... what Sir calls... my arty farty side..



This one was especially challenging........ there was to be a memory candle set up .. and the cake was to be decorated by me........ that is not to say i was left to my own wicked devices !!! no no.. i was given pretty clear instructions of what the bridal couple wanted and i simply stuck things where they should go......... BUT there was a challenge.... i have never done a cake before !!! Nor have i tried to make greenery and some baby breath's look professional........ without even a pair of scissors - or florist tape (obviously an over sight on everyone's part - welllllll not Sir's part.. after all He is Sir and Sirs never make mistakes right??!!)




And hot !!!!!!! good lord it was hot........... not 10 minutes into the detail work and i was dripping wet....... and not the good kind of dripping !!! (get your minds out of the gutter - it was work folks work !!) BUT the job got completed.. and Sir and i had the rest of the day to wander around quaint villages.. poking into different shops.. laughing.. and enjoying ourselves.. Sir even treated us to a wonderful lunch at a very nice restaurant !!!

Home around dinner time.. quiet evening ............

oh yeah..... and don't think it was all sunshine and lollipops and rainbows - but the BDSM bits i am saving for my Monday Morning Report !!!!

Am i back?

Sometimes blogs just disappear - i have always hated when people do that.. pull up stakes in the night and go poof !!! i wouldn't / couldn't do that. Instead - maybe it was as bad?? - i put up my lil "out of service" sign and disappeared in the night........

It has been a difficult summer for me.......... i began to think i was losing my sanity. (seriously!!) i seemed to cry at the drop of a hat......... for one who used to sleep 8 hours a night - i was sleeping maybe 2 - 4 hours a night...... tossing and turning...... i lost interest in most everything.......i was stressed and tense most of the time.......... and being who i am.... i assumed it was all my fault.. all my doing.........i started to question every deed i did.. every word i spoke (or wrote) .. i started to question where i belonged - if i belonged .. oh hell i started to question every little thing.

Most people see me as strong and capable - care free - fun loving - with enough self confidence and some left over...

Problem is.. that is who i am on the outside....... on the inside i am like most everyone.. i have doubts and insecurities... i don't like change .. and i do believe i am rather reclusive - not seeking out or needing people around me (we have already had that discussion) And much to Sir's sorrow - i don't crave friends.. i do not - in fact - have very many friends.... (and i believe i have had this discussion too.. friends take work - i like my alone time too much to invest in that kind of work)

Anyway........ getting back to the summer.......

There were outside influences working in and around my life this summer.. outside influences that were........ not sure how to put it without sounding overly dramatic....... wearing me down... i began to doubt my ability to be a good submissive serving Sir's best interests......... There was even - at one point - a time when i questioned whether or not i should remain Sir's submissive......... remain a submissive at all !!!

Like i said.. it has been a rough summer..

BUT then camp happened - weirdest thing .. by the time camp came around i honestly and truly did not want to go.. i kept thinking / wishing Sir would just substitute someone in my place - oh hell not just someone - wendy darling - in my place and leave me safe at home.

But i went to camp....... and as i reported earlier.. had the very best time.. and fell head over heels in love with my Sir all over again....... discovered i was really comfortable in groups of my peers (submissives / slaves) that we could laugh and joke and have fun.. and no one .. not one person seemed to take offense at what i had to say - or the way i said it. A group of submissives even wrangled me into a plot they had for a subbie revolt!!! i felt BACK.. i felt like me again.. a subbie revolt - HELL that was made for the likes of me !!!

BUT that was fantasy land........ or at least it felt like a fantasy land...... after 4 days away with Sir.. we were home.. and all the problems that had faced me were still here......... i straightened my back bone and decided that perhaps i should try again..... try being the best damn subbie.. try coping with a newbie that didn't know anything and cried pity me at every turn... and blamed me for all her failings..

It took approximately 2 intense days dealing with the newbie... and i was feeling all the old feelings flooding back......... BUT this time i knew .. i KNEW.. i was ok.. i wasn't losing my mind.. i was being made to feel like i was crazy.. but i wasn't !!! My words were being twisted into ugly things.. my actions were being questioned and deemed ugly ... but i knew the truth....... even if i was the only one who did !!! i knew it wasn't me.

i have spent these past few days - while The Journey was down - processing everything.. listening to Sir saying i had done everything He could ever expect from a subbie..... i heard Him say (well not heard exactly - read in an email) that i was His littleone - that He loved me - and that He would not .. nor could He.. allow anything or anyone to hurt me !!
(that was an unwritten agreement in our contract )

i am still feeling the same winds - storm winds - blustering against me.. i hear - even in my sleep - the words "her fault....... chastising ... hate"......... difference is.. i am now not internalizing these words.. it is NOT my fault - i am NOT chastising - i do NOT hate. At worst i just don't care enough to hate - at best i tolerate.

i think i have come to a place where i can write again without censoring what i write.. i can speak without censoring my words.... i can say politely and respectfully "talk to Sir not to me"....... i can build a wall that keeps me separated from the storm winds that slam against me.. that call to me in the dead of night.......

And so i think it is time........ to come back...........

As of today - The Journey continues!






and i have one question for you..........

DIDJA MISS ME??

sunny days

Sir did finally get back to me last night......... later than the promised 7:30 .. but it made me feel grown up .. in a silly sort of way....... going out to eat that late...

They sat us at a quiet table by the window....... and we were both starving and ordered comfort foods... Sir was exhausted after His day of running model trains for the public ..... but He delighted in telling me about the children that came to their area.. the little guy that we guess may have been autistic... the gymnastic one who turned cart wheels.. the little girl who videoed the running of the trains...

And like the big kid Sir really is.. He regaled me with tales of riding the tram car.. of seeing the big diesel engine (i think it was the diesel one) moved out onto the tracks.. of His plans to ride the garden train today........

And i just sat there listening.. half listening.. smiling inside because it felt so good to have Him sitting across from me.........

and i told Him how i had done my task for the day.........

remember those clamps i had had to put on my pussy the day before?? every hour on the hour for 20 minutes.. Well Sir's parting words to me as He left at the crack of dawn was.. "Put the clamps on the nipples today". UGH i hate nipple clamps.. on nipples.. on pussy lips.. yummy.. on nipples yucky...

There was no play this weekend.. no time or energy for play.......... And this morning up early to make sure Sir was off to the trains again......... and a day alone again........ and no Sir coming back tonite...

It feels very strange to have a weekend by myself (relatively speaking) being in charge of the TV remote.. being able to watch what TV shows i want ... eating when i want.. what i want........... just feels damn weird !!!

BUT Sir brought me one thing to brighten up my aloneness...



even the cats have known better than to attack them.........

and next weekend... is another weekend.........

Testing 1 ... 2 ... 3

Sometimes life can be a test.... no pass or fail - just a try harder....

For me life has been testy these past few weeks... the reasons aren't really important here and now.. those that need to... know.. the rest.. shrug.. you can guess.. or not.

Sir is away this weekend at a train show... it has been marked on the calendar for months... i have had flip flop emotions over it..... First i was sad.... then .. over the last week or so .. i was glad.. it would give me time to re-coup.. to recharge - to sort things out.......

Then i was sad again.. last weekend brought us together in a way that hasn't happened in a long long time..... and i wanted more... more .. more please.... silly me !!! Dreams can't be repeated ........ not easily.. and most definitely not identically...

Sir came to me yesterday.. i was cranky and bitchy.. because it was so hard to see Him and know He was leaving me again in only a couple of hours.. and maybe He wouldn't be back till god only knew when....

Sometime around half past midnight - snug in my bed - i was pushed over onto my back.. my legs forced open.. through sleepy half opened eyes i saw Sir smiling down on me.. i pushed at Him.. i didn't want sex.. did i have a say ?? nope.. never do... rough kinky sex.. hurting.. in and out.. beg for an orgasm... sloppy wet spot on the sheets... running my hands over Sir's 'furry' chest.. finding a nipple - bad bad subbie.. tweaking the nipple smiling a little as He glared at me.. sleepy again...........

Up early this morning.. Sir had to go.. back to the trains.. and then off to the Fort for an unexpected photo shoot....... more time away from me.. from U/us...
Then .. a phone call.. surprise !! Sir knowing i am lonely.. knowing i am missing Him.. i managed to choke out how hard it is.. not having Him on the weekend.. our only time together.. His sympathetic "I know"........ and a promise... He will come home to me.. as early as He can (not that early 7:30ish) and take me out to dinner... anywhere i want to go... time for U/us together alone.. shut out the world.. some time just for us... no one else... shut out the world..

Sometimes this life.. this subbie stuff... is a test.. no pass or fail - just try harder... love and be loved...

Sealing Wax

"The time has come the walrus said
To talk of many things of shoes and ships and sealing wax
of cabbages and kings"

(actually that quote might do better on a bouncing ball day......... but........ this is my blog and i decided it fits quite nicely on today's blog about wax)

Sir was in a mood the other night.... it happens from time to time.. when i just start to think that His life is too busy for small tasks to keep me focused.. BANG ! He comes up with an "oh my god - You have got to be kidding " task......... which happened yesterday...

i was to slip the clamps on my pussy lips on the hour every hour and leave them on for 20 minutes....... didn't matter what it was i was doing on the hour they were to be clamped on.. and removed after 20 minutes........

How nice that Mother Nature co-operated and gave us a day of sunshine and lollipops.. well sunshine !! i curled up outside in my secret garden with my pillows.. my coffee.. my book.. my cats.. and the umbrella..oh yeah.. and the clamps... and settled in for a nice long day of lazy sunning.

It is not as difficult to tolerate clamps for 20 minutes when one is reclining outside in the sunshine - not moving....... well it is easier than say having to vacuum the house - which i can only do with the pet attachment as the damn new vacuum is broken and the pet attachment is the only thing that works.. and it can only be used when one is on their hands and knees..

So there i was.. sitting outside in the sunshine... slipping the clamps on for 20 minutes every hour on the hour.. wiggling a bit .. cause trust me after a couple of clampings it starts to hurt !!! When i glanced down at my legs - to check out the tanning process - and egads!!! there was hair... yucky hair !!! Time to shave...........

Well not right at that point.. i was just too comfy curled up in the sunshine .. purring like a contented cat....... the hair could wait.........

BUT i am funny that way - plant a thought in my head and it niggles away in my brain.. not letting me rest.. niggle niggle niggle...

And so around noon.. i decided .. after the 12 noon clamping .. i would go do something about the hair on my legs.... cause after all - only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noon day sun !!!

At exactly 12:20 i got out the new pot of wax....... cause after reading kaya's blog on waxing (actually that should have put me off the idea completely) and after having baby daughter and her entourage here waxing legs the night before the wedding..... and because i had seen this commercial on TV for leg wax that smelled like gardenias.. and i LOVE the scent of gardenias..... and because they swear waxing one's legs lasts approximately 4 weeks.. i had gone out and purchased a tub of leg wax......... that smells like gardenias !!

So anyway......... at 12:20 i am reading the instructions and popping the pot of wax in the microwave... getting the thermometer tester.. the wooden applicator and paper towels all ready for the BIG waxing event.......... and i was thinking .. as i hadn't told anyone i was gonna try this.. if it was as bad as some say.. i would simply go find the razor and forget i ever thought about waxing.............

Ok so everything was set and ready.. the kitchen was starting to smell like gardenias.. and i took my first blob of hot wax .. wrapped it around the wooden applicator much like rolling maple taffy around a stick and started to slather it on the upper portion of my leg - around the knee.

The first thought i had was how nice it felt.......... and then i thought ... this isn't bad at all.. god.. it is better than when Sir does hot wax on me !!! not nearly as burning hot.. and much much more soothing........

One must not wait less than 20 seconds or more than 60 seconds to remove it.. the suggestion is to roll up a small amount of wax at the bottom of the strip and then .. just rip it upwards..........

i will admit i kinda held my breath as i ripped upwards.......... but it really honestly wasn't that bad...... much like ripping off a band aid - if done quickly enough it only hurts for a minute or two.........

The strip of wax off.. in my hand.. i turned it over to see if it actually worked............


and yup it had....

how disgusting is that?? !!! pokey hair sticking out of a nice fresh strip of gardenia smelling wax..

But now i was on a roll.. layer a strip of wax.. wait 20 - 30 seconds and rip it off.. taking all the nasty pokey hair off with it........... YAY !!! and it is gonna last for 4 weeks.. double YAY!!!

It's all going along like a house on fire.... when i suddenly remembered the time.. it was coming on for 1pm... and time to put the clamps back on......... now does that seem fair to anyone else?? waxing AND clamps?? god i am such a masochist !!!

So at 1 sharp the clamps went on for the 5th consecutive time.. it was getting harder and harder to find space that hadn't been already been clamped... cause trust me when i say.. clamps on pussy lips bruises some........

And i have to add here... that when i saw this picture of my hairy pussy.. i couldn't help but think that Sir is gonna get all enthusiastic about waxing off my cunt hair............. and oh dear god.. i just don't think that is a good idea .. for any number of reasons !!!!

Anyway.......... clamps on.. time to get back to the job at hand and get it finished.. wax on .. wax off.. hair gone... i was really starting to get into this zen feeling......... would have worked better if i hadn't had the clamps tugging at my pussy though!!!

Finally i was finished.. with the clamps AND the waxing.........

wrapped up all the garbage and tossed it .. with maybe one thought or two about how environmentally friendly used leg wax with pokey hair in it was.......

slathered on the soothing cooling lotion - cause trust me when i say - the legs were looking nasty..... all bumpy and rashy..........

and back outside to curl up in the sun....... (not the legs though - they warn about sun exposure after waxing!!)

Now am i sold on the idea of leg waxing? i'll let you know in 4 weeks - if it lasts 4 weeks.. cause truthfully .. the time involved was a bit daunting.. much quicker to shave......... but then shaving only lasts a couple of days or so....... so yeah if it lasts 4 weeks or close to it.. i am sold !!!

Only thing is.. next time i do it.. i don't think i want clamping as part of the ritual thank you very much..........

And for those of you interested... the last clamping session was 8 pm.. almost 12 hours after the first one.......... today.. my pussy lips are still a bit swollen and bruised... which just tends to focus my mind on that particular area of the body........ and there is nothing wrong with that !!! trust me............

This 'n that

i haven't done a bouncing ball blog in a long long time... these are the blogs where i have a lot of little things bouncing around in my head .. not enough to fill individual blog entries... but enough to fill one.. (though when you think about it.. who set a required length / number of words for blogs?? )

Before we went to camp Sir went through His toy bag........ to explain....... i am a bit anal about toys being used on different people and then on me.... so way back at the beginning the toys were divided into generic toys - those that could be used on others... and house toys - those that would be used only on me. Anyway.. when Sir was tiding up His toy bag He pulled out a flogger i made ....... god wayyyyyyy back when....... it is a rope flogger... and i had gone to a submissive friend's house to learn how to make a half decent rope flogger. (he was / still does make wonderful toys) In those days Sir and i didn't have a whole lot of spanking toys (especially since Sir was really the "bondage guy" and not the "pain guy") and so i decided to try my hand at making a flogger.. also i had read somewhere on the net that submissives should and could make their own toys...... i made one flogger and decided to buy all further toys !!

The flogger was wonderful - but was definitely missing something.. a bite .. a sting.. and so i got the brilliant idea - light bulb moment - to knot the ends of each fall........ still not enough sting or bite .. so i added two knots per fall - at varying heights ... and finally added 3 knots.. it was my own goldilocks story.. this is wayyyyyyy too soft.. this is soft but getting there.. and this is just right !!!!

Well getting back to the Sunday night and Sir's toy bag.. my flogger was pulled out.. and i felt like a kid who had found a long lost teddy bear......... i stroked it.. i murmured over it.. i remembered the many fun times with it... and so ... of course it got put in the bag for camp.

Sometimes our memories are not accurate.. but my memories of this flogger were dead on..... it is soft as it caresses the body .. but when the knots hit it has a sting.. a bite that cannot be described !!! And it always amazes me ....... that after a session with the rope flogger that i have to re-tie a number of the knots.. as the force of the hits against my ass unties the knots.. or .. maybe .. it is a magic trick where the knots magically disappear - who knows.. but i think today - seeing as the sun is shining - i will take the flogger outside in my secret garden with me and re- knot the falls.......



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i was thinking this weekend.. how far i have come from the shy submissive i was at camp the first year....... then it was all i could do to strip totally naked for Sir - even with the rope harness covering most of my body i struggled to be seen by others......... and when it came to .. bodily functions?? well let me tell you - i would stand in line forever to use the port-a-potties (and i HATE port-a-potties!!)

This weekend it was a bloody long walk from our tent to the port-a-potties ......... and i had no shame - more than once i went behind the tent.. did a quick look up down and around to make sure no one was close by - and squatted and peed........ and went WOW.. no bolt of lightening... i was getting quite good at the bend and squat - pee - and get back to whatever .. until Sir showed up with His camera.......i bounced up in mid stream shrieking "You wouldn't!!" when we all know He WOULD ... got my shoes wet.. my legs wet.. and basically just made a huge mess ....... i will learn eventually subbies just don't have any modesty or privacy !!!

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And my friend Buffalo has a new gadget on his blog........i discovered it by accident really....... a box in the margin of his blog said "click here to leave a voice message". Well it intrigued me .. and frightened me.. hell i am the one who HATES leaving voice messages on answering machines !!! BUT i decided for a number of different reasons to leave him a voice message one day. The really nice thing i discovered - is that you can listen to the message BEFORE you send it.. so if it sounds really stammery and dumb - you can erase it and start over.. i was sold !!! i guess the first message i left must have taken 4 or 5 tries before i figured i sounded semi intelligent.. and the next one was even easier......

Then i got to thinking..... i want one too !!! Just like a kid.. i want one too !!! Sooooo dear readers .. if you look over to the right of the screen .. up near the top .. just above "send me an email" you will see a putrid green box (Buffalo will have to tell me how he managed to get a nice silver one!!! cause i picked pink and got green.... grrrrrrrr) with a red button.. that is my voice message box..

Now come on........ you know you want to try it.. you know you do !!! Just click the lil red button and say "hi".. come on....... you know you want to try it !!!!

Shall i do a "romper room" (most of you probably have NO idea what i mean when i say "romper room" ) attendance call.. shall i say.... come on swan.. leave me a message so i can hear your voice.. kaya.. you too .. how bout Scarlet (i have a feeling you probably have a nice southern drawl) and Spankedhortic you too.. and Whitesnake - don't you slither off in the tall grass.. step up and leave me a message... hisflower you too .. and Buffalo how could You NOT?? after all i left you one !!!!

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And i guess .. really.. that is it for my bouncing ball.......... have a good one ...... i am off to sit in the sun and tie knots......... and dream dreams of fun times.....

Large Equipment

Buffalo asked .. suggested?? .. that i post individual pictures of the large equipment at camp and name them.........
So here goes....... and btw.. if i should put a name to something and you know the proper name - please feel free to correct me !!!!



1)


two spanking benches.. the sub is usually put face down and the ass extends slightly over the end of the bench - making for easy access...




2)a kneeling or prayer bench... this weekend it was used for some religious play - not something i am into (the whole "forgive me father for i have sinned" thing) but to each their own... the sub kneels on the bench hands clasped on the upper ledge.. ass bared and the spanking/beating is done in that position.


3) i labeled this one the torture chair - because the legs, arms, seat and back are covered in "mr. mat"
the sub is then strapped in across the chest, belly, arms and legs so that movement is limited... then the sub's delicate parts could be tortured by whipping.. or pegging.. or other such torturous means....... but the worst torture is when the straps are removed and the sub stands up .. leaving the mat on the chair......... dimples dimples everywhere.. the joke on Saturday night was to feed the sub a glass of water and see if she sprung a leak or two !!!


4)In the foreground you can see an erect squarish - goal post - as i call it. It really is a suspension frame....... and the sub is tied in ropes galore and then suspended from the frame..
just kinda hanging around !!!



5)
In the back ground you can see another suspension frame.. in red.... that was the final piece of equipment Sir fastened me to on Saturday evening....... as it can also be used to whip a sub.. the wrists are simply clipped to one of the 0 rings on the sides.........

In the foreground is a black pole.. (ignore the blue one.. that is a tent pole) .. the black pole is a whipping post....... attach sub and whip........


6)
This is another suspension frame.. it is composed of 3 major tree limbs that a couple of Dominants found in the woods. They lashed it together in a tepee shape.. sanded off the bark to make it look nicer (no way would they have done that to avoid splinters !!) suspended some rings from the very top center... and suspended subs ........... much higher and much scarier (if you ask me - which you didn't ) than the indoor suspension frames.

7)A (unfortunately) rather blurred picture of a bondage chair....... On Friday evening i was able to - for a short while - watch a Master bind his submissive to the chair.. she had ropes isolating her breasts...... making them very perky indeed....... her legs were spread apart and bound to the legs of the chair.. leaving her private parts very exposed and vulnerable. Her Master used all manner of toys .. from slappers to whips on her breasts and pussy. And finished up using a vibrator on her until she came with a resounding orgasm.


And now for the equipment that was my "undoing" on Saturday evening.........


8) Now actually this frame looks like it could be lots of fun........ but in my opinion equipment should feel safe to use.. and something that rocks side to side does not - again in my opinion - feel safe at all !!!!! i have no idea what this is called except for a sideways cross.. i i think it might have been fun.. to be spread eagled on it.. and laying down... off the cold cold ground ... but it didn't work out that way.



8) and finally the stocks which pretty much speak for themselves.. head and wrists go into the holes provided.. forcing the ass out ...... making it a great target ....... also Sir could walk around to the front of the stocks and work on my breasts...... and there was no where for me to dance away..........

And those were the toys that Sir managed to capture on film for posterity.

Home again

This is going to be rather short .. and sweet...... as it is 8:30 .. Sir and i are home.. tired.. but happy ..

For those of you who read the Fictional Journey on Sunday....... i am thinking it was a bit of a self-prophesy - more on that later...

For all of you who kept your fingers crossed.. and did a sun dance.. to the nuns (who are neighbours of Sir's) who put in a good word for us... thank you .. thank you .. thank you.. We drove down in rain........ but the sun came out as we arrived.. and stayed out till we left on Sunday ......... and i have the sun burn in all the wrong places to prove it - more on that later........

To june who reads here from time to time... i meant what i said.. any time you are coming North.. there is room for you all here !!!

And now... i am off to read some blogs (i have had major blog withdrawals) and have a nice long hot bubble bath....... tomorrow at the break of dawn my guest bathroom is going to be gutted and renovated.. but i promise !! i will be back tomorrow to fill in the blanks about camp...... it was... in a word........ AMAZING !!!

Missing me yet??

i did not realize when i originally set out to leave posts for each day that we would be away.. how difficult a task it would be... i always seem to have loads and loads of things to say.

Actually i seldom post on the weekends.. leaving the news for the Monday Morning Report..

However as i promised one post per day while we were away.. i could not go back on my word. And as Buffalo so nicely pointed out to me... i had missed the August deadline for the Fictional Journey..... (though i did post 2 in July which i thought should earn me some leeway) i decided that this Sunday i would post an installment to the Fictional Journey... appropriately called The Slave Camp.

And it also seemed appropriate to post this on a Sunday as almost no one reads my Fictional stories.. and almost no one reads on Sunday......

Anyway.. for those of you who do read here on Sunday and do read the Fictional Journey.. i hope you enjoy.........

see you all some time tomorrow !!!!

Think of me......

i was trying to think what profane - nope sorry - profound - words i could leave you all ....while i am away at camp.............

And i decided that seeing as i haven't posted to The Photojournal for a while i would leave you some nifty outdoor pictures.... Sir packed the stakes - meant to tie up animals in the yard - with us this weekend....... and if the sun is shining even a little bit.. i am hoping that right about now i will be staked out naked on the dirty ground (have i told you all how much i HATE being dirty?? ) for all to see............. oh yeah.. have i also told you how much i HATE being naked in front of strangers?? (i am such a masochist !!)

Anyway .. enjoy the pictures.........

Me myself and i

i have a lot of faults... i know it .. and i admit it.........


One of my biggest faults is insecurity...... and to prevent people from seeing/knowing my insecurities i build nice big strong walls all the way around me.. i smile and nod.. and add another brick.. ain't no one.. but no one gonna hurt me again....... i have done with being hurt.. i have done with being the victim.. i will now protect myself...... thank you very much !!!

Somewhere along this Journey that is mine....... Sir brought down my walls.. one brick at a time.. one stone at a time..... until i was laid bare and vulnerable....... He knew me.... every inch of me.. every deep dark secret that is mine........ and i wobbled for a bit ....... then i was ok... Sir would be my wall.. my protector.. i wasn't alone anymore........

This is one of the most difficult places i have been ........... this is .. in my humble opinion... the biggest test of trust in Sir.... that He will keep me safe and protected..

There are times... many times recently.. that i have railed against Him.. against my vulnerability...

There have been times.. recently .. that i have added a brick or two to the wall that once was and might be again.. worried i might need a hiding place.. a protective cover............

Those have not been happy times.. i have not been a graceful obedient submissive during those times.......... and i always hate myself more when Sir drags me out of those hidey holes...

But drag me out He does....... each and every time...... He will not let me build my walls.. He will not let me feel i am alone in this battle that is life........ He will not let me lose my faith in Him.. in what we have built together......... despite the bitter winds that blow and rattle our very foundations....... Sir stands strong and protective.......

But ya know......... there are whispered words that come in on silent breezes.. breezes that sometimes He misses.. cruel cutting words that send me reeling....... words meant to find the insecurity and gnaw on it.. words meant to show me my failings....... words meant to cut and hurt .. and all the smiles in the world.. all the words of unconditional love do not make the hurting words disappear...

and so i stand.. one hand clasped in Sir's .. the other holding a brick all ready to go in place..

sometimes it is scary being vulnerable..........

Camping........

We are due to head off to our BDSM summer camp on Friday morning...........

Now don't get me wrong.... i love camping.. i really truly do.. but i am what they call a "fair weather camper" .. i do not DO camping in the rain .. the cold .. the muck.

This is my idea of ideal camping.........



with sunny days.. swimming pools and hot tubs.. and oh yeah.. a whole group of kink related friends to share our time with...............

This is more likely my reality.............


The last time we went to camp (two years ago - because last year i managed to get the flu the day we were leaving.. ) it was so cold .. so damn cold that i wore sweat pants with leggings.. wool socks.. turtleneck sweaters with hooded sweatshirts over the top......and slept in the same clothes i wore all day.. cause it was even colder at night !!!







All the wonderful equipment that just screamed "use me" went to waste - for the most part.. the little play that Sir and i did .. was done with me in my sweat shirt.. sweat pants and leggings down around my knees.. with my teeth chattering......hanging rather unceremoniously from the cross ....... the minute the session was over.. up came the leggings and pants........ and the shivering was not from a fun session - oh it had been fun sort of - but the shivering was from trying desperately to get warm again........

Sir went over the toys with me this past weekend - packing all sorts of fun toys - and images danced around in my head..... and then screeched to a halt when i thought about all the clothing i would pack.. because.......... the long range forecast is for rain and cold.......

Sir says we will make the best of it..... i say .. pack the heaters and the comforters and the sweat pants and the woolen socks !!!

and i know i am sulking and NOT being a graceful serene subbie.......... but i had such high hopes for this summer holiday...... shoot me now.. honestly .. i shouldn't have any sort of hopes... never mind high ones..........

This weekend camping was to be the highlight of the summer... my last time alone with Sir before school starts again....and the next wedding swings into high gear..... the next weekend He is off on a train convention thingy ..soooooo this was it.. the BIG weekend.......so shoot me for wanting to have a little fun.. a whole weekend of fun.. not a bit here a bit there - where we can wiggle in some BDSM time..

i will now take my sulky pouty whiney self off and organise the last of the camping gear...

Everyone say a prayer or two that the summer gods find it in their cold hearts to make the sun shine at least for one day!!!

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oh yeah and never fear...... i have written a few posts scheduled to come up each day we are away........ just so you don't all forget me (cheeky grin) now how could you forget me??!! and all my profane (oooooops that should read profound) words??!!!

Safe words ad nauseum

Wayyyy back when .. i was heading a submissive help group up here in the Great White North...... and there were piles of information (mis-information) we used to give out to newbies..

i say mis-information because truthfully every single solitary safety net that is built in to a new BDSM relationship can be broken........

For example......... safe words.. (my favourite pet peeve)

so many 'newbies' feel safe to meet and greet and play with anyone because they have a safe word ...... oh joy oh joy !!! Purple aardvark is a good word .. not commonly used in every day conversation.. so most definitely a good safe word .. yes sirreee bob .. a good safe word !!

Except what happens please...... if this nice friendly Dom you have just met.. and who agrees to Purple Aardvark as a safe word...... ties you up all nice and tidy like.. and starts wailing away at you with a 2x4........ you say .. so sweetly and politely "Purple Aardvark" and He keeps on keeping on........ what now???

What IF he slaps a gag in your mouth?? ohh not to worry you have a nice set of bells to ring.. or a ball to drop.. feel safe?? What if He comes at you this time with a chain saw.. do you really think ringing those pretty lil bells or dropping that pretty bouncy ball is gonna stop Him??????????

Come on people !!!

i have never believed in safe words ..........

So what now??

Besides making damn sure that the person you are playing with is responsible and trust worthy....... how does one protect themselves?? both Dom and sub.. sorry but i honestly believe both must be protected...

It is so difficult to sort this all out....... really .. it is.. i started off with it very clear in my mind.. but as i type i keep coming up with exceptions or problems with my theory.....

Maybe what i teach my kiddies at school applies well here.. "say what you mean .. and mean what you say"..

So often submissives play the old game of "stop stop in half an hour" .. it is a game that really bothers me.. how does one know if they mean stop.. or if they want to be coaxed.. or cajoled into it??

i was talking with my daughter (yeah yeah i know.. but she is an adult ) about this yesterday........ and she pointed out to me that sometimes it is "fun" to be forced into something... and that got me thinking.. it is fun .. yeah it is fun sometimes.. and sometimes it even helps to get us over a hump.. BUT how does the Dominant really know what we are saying???

i am thinking with time.. and trust.. and bonding...... that it becomes easier for the Dominant to know when "stop stop" means "go go" ........ but when it is all new.. sorry.. i believe the Dominant should stop the session.. pack everything up.. and then talk about it with the submissive......

This isn't a game...... and if i had the slightest doubt that the submissive was comfortable with what was being done.. i would stop it immediately. And i have........

i believe if every time a submissive did the "stop stop" thing and the Dominant ended the session.. the submissive would soon learn that wasn't the way to get what they wanted.. and everyone would be safe.. sane.. and it would all be consensual.

i also firmly believe if a submissive can't talk about what frightens them ( i was one of those) .. can't talk.. not won't talk.. then they should write down their fears and worries and give it to the Dominant....... be open .. be honest.. and grow ..... forget safe words.. remember honest open communication.

i will now get off my soap box......

Monday Morning Report.....

i have so many thoughts rambling around in this empty head of mine......... (mind you i guess if i have a lot of thoughts rambling around... the head isn't all that empty is it?? )

BUT luckily - Sir and i will be away for a few days at the end of the week (going off to our BDSM summer camp again) and so maybe i will write some blogs for you all to read while i am away..........

This morning i will do a little weekend report.. it is after all Monday.. and it does seem it has become a tradition around The Journey - to have a Monday Morning Report..

After months of my shaving myself.. and after a couple of "ooops" shaving sessions where i shaved more skin than hair..... Sir has taken over shaving me again....... i was trying to describe to someone recently what it is about His shaving me that i like so much..... i think it is the vulnerability of it .......... and the sensual quality of it...... Sir does love to play while He is shaving and it always seems to awaken in me The Desire....... and it tends to focus my head where it should be.... anchor me so to speak........... All that to say Sir shaved me on Friday evening.......... and it felt like coming home..........

Saturday was a quiet day around here........ and just when i was despairing of receiving any pain this weekend......... Sir announced that a little "appetizer" before dinner would be nice. Now being a rather empty headed subbie (these days) i looked at Him rather blankly wondering what in god's name i could serve as an "appetizer" running through ingredients in the fridge and pantry............. turns out Sir meant quite simply .. my ass over the ottoman and the wooden paddle........ work up a little appetite for dinner.. and the main course to follow later in the evening.......

The main course so to speak was for some reason a white knuckle session.. where i clung to the ottoman .. with a really bad attitude... gritting my teeth and muttering more than a few "fucks" because it hurt..........

Sir slowed it right down... and brought me along quite nicely with the crop .. and then the tawse (i think - cause at that point i was just starting to enjoy) and then moved on to the paddle....... whap whap whap WHALLOP.. whap whap whap WHALLOP .. and i was sent off on my little journey to fairy land .. where there are no 'fucks' .. and no hurt feelings.. no feelings of inadequacies.... and no sulks because once again i am over the ottoman .. rather than swinging from the chains or tied to the cross ...........

i am not sure how many of you are aware that Sir has taken on a new ... subbie?? not really subbie.. not yet....... so i guess "trainee" is a more appropriate term. i tend to think of her as "wendy" from Peter Pan........ i am more like one of the lost boys.. always around and frequently getting into trouble.........

Well Sunday Sir had scheduled a visit to 'wendy's' for her first shaving session...... and Sir had granted that i might shave her.. seeing as i have been bemoaning (a little bit) my lack of pussy to play with....... and the old desires for a woman have been whispering in my ear.......

i honestly don't remember ever having shaved a woman before.. (besides myself that is) and i was rather excited about the prospect...... until Sir got 'wendy' up on the table and organised for me................

i think i held my breath for most of the shaving.. not only did i not want to shave 'wendy's' skin off.. i had Sir and Cloud (another Dom friend and i have to say it felt really good to have our old Friend Cloud back with us again) watching my every move..........

And it was a bit of a daunting task.......... she hasn't shaved in ages and ages.........




i tried scissors to clip away some of the overgrowth.......... but it was a tedious job.. so i decided to just get to it.............



i went slow and steady... to avoid nicks and slices.................




and when i was finished.. Sir added the Gold Bond Powder treatment.. and i was pleased to see no lil hairs poking through...........

and as i pointed out to 'wendy' she really does have a nice lil pussy once one can actually see it !!!

And Sunday ended a much too short weekend...........