Am i back?

Sometimes blogs just disappear - i have always hated when people do that.. pull up stakes in the night and go poof !!! i wouldn't / couldn't do that. Instead - maybe it was as bad?? - i put up my lil "out of service" sign and disappeared in the night........

It has been a difficult summer for me.......... i began to think i was losing my sanity. (seriously!!) i seemed to cry at the drop of a hat......... for one who used to sleep 8 hours a night - i was sleeping maybe 2 - 4 hours a night...... tossing and turning...... i lost interest in most everything.......i was stressed and tense most of the time.......... and being who i am.... i assumed it was all my fault.. all my doing.........i started to question every deed i did.. every word i spoke (or wrote) .. i started to question where i belonged - if i belonged .. oh hell i started to question every little thing.

Most people see me as strong and capable - care free - fun loving - with enough self confidence and some left over...

Problem is.. that is who i am on the outside....... on the inside i am like most everyone.. i have doubts and insecurities... i don't like change .. and i do believe i am rather reclusive - not seeking out or needing people around me (we have already had that discussion) And much to Sir's sorrow - i don't crave friends.. i do not - in fact - have very many friends.... (and i believe i have had this discussion too.. friends take work - i like my alone time too much to invest in that kind of work)

Anyway........ getting back to the summer.......

There were outside influences working in and around my life this summer.. outside influences that were........ not sure how to put it without sounding overly dramatic....... wearing me down... i began to doubt my ability to be a good submissive serving Sir's best interests......... There was even - at one point - a time when i questioned whether or not i should remain Sir's submissive......... remain a submissive at all !!!

Like i said.. it has been a rough summer..

BUT then camp happened - weirdest thing .. by the time camp came around i honestly and truly did not want to go.. i kept thinking / wishing Sir would just substitute someone in my place - oh hell not just someone - wendy darling - in my place and leave me safe at home.

But i went to camp....... and as i reported earlier.. had the very best time.. and fell head over heels in love with my Sir all over again....... discovered i was really comfortable in groups of my peers (submissives / slaves) that we could laugh and joke and have fun.. and no one .. not one person seemed to take offense at what i had to say - or the way i said it. A group of submissives even wrangled me into a plot they had for a subbie revolt!!! i felt BACK.. i felt like me again.. a subbie revolt - HELL that was made for the likes of me !!!

BUT that was fantasy land........ or at least it felt like a fantasy land...... after 4 days away with Sir.. we were home.. and all the problems that had faced me were still here......... i straightened my back bone and decided that perhaps i should try again..... try being the best damn subbie.. try coping with a newbie that didn't know anything and cried pity me at every turn... and blamed me for all her failings..

It took approximately 2 intense days dealing with the newbie... and i was feeling all the old feelings flooding back......... BUT this time i knew .. i KNEW.. i was ok.. i wasn't losing my mind.. i was being made to feel like i was crazy.. but i wasn't !!! My words were being twisted into ugly things.. my actions were being questioned and deemed ugly ... but i knew the truth....... even if i was the only one who did !!! i knew it wasn't me.

i have spent these past few days - while The Journey was down - processing everything.. listening to Sir saying i had done everything He could ever expect from a subbie..... i heard Him say (well not heard exactly - read in an email) that i was His littleone - that He loved me - and that He would not .. nor could He.. allow anything or anyone to hurt me !!
(that was an unwritten agreement in our contract )

i am still feeling the same winds - storm winds - blustering against me.. i hear - even in my sleep - the words "her fault....... chastising ... hate"......... difference is.. i am now not internalizing these words.. it is NOT my fault - i am NOT chastising - i do NOT hate. At worst i just don't care enough to hate - at best i tolerate.

i think i have come to a place where i can write again without censoring what i write.. i can speak without censoring my words.... i can say politely and respectfully "talk to Sir not to me"....... i can build a wall that keeps me separated from the storm winds that slam against me.. that call to me in the dead of night.......

And so i think it is time........ to come back...........

As of today - The Journey continues!






and i have one question for you..........

DIDJA MISS ME??