There are times on this journey called "life" that i stop and wonder at the safeness i feel under Sir's control. There is something so safe about giving up control..... of feeling safe - no matter the storm that breaks over our heads - under Sir's watchful eye and strong hand.
This past week has been one of those times of wonder. A week ago, i wrote a blog entitled Mother Nature’s Tricks....... it was meant to be a humorous and as much as i tried i couldn't hide from the feelings of doubt that nibbled at my consciousness...So with Sir firmly holding my hand (figuratively) i called my doctor....... and called her again and again until i finally got past the busy signals. On Wednesday she cleared her calendar for me and i went in to see her. Sir was frustrated that He couldn't be beside me.. but as i explained to Him .. there was no point.. this was just the beginning of the process.. and i was sure i would need Him more later on........ god bless my doctor who has moved heaven and earth and got me scheduled into the hospital for scans and biopsies (all within the next 3 weeks!! a miracle in itself in this country of long waits for medical attention)
Sir cleared His calendar and will be with me..(literally) holding my hand through the processes that will figure out what is going on in this old body... and if 'fixing' is needed He will be there through that too.... More importantly .. He is not treating me as though i am "broken" .. Mr Mat appeared this week on an evening i needed focusing more than usual... and i sat on it with tears streaming down my face.. because Sir knew exactly what i needed.. and He gave it to me.. (i desperately needed to feel normal - healthy - ME)
On Friday night Sir cropped my ass as i played with drakor.. and we all laughed and enjoyed each other's company..... and the pain and the power. And later when Sir came to bed, He rolled me over roughly and fucked me.. despite my whines of "it's broken - it doesn't work - i am tired" He wouldn't listen.. He wouldn't let me fall into the mind set of "invalid".. It was His... broken bruised or bent.. and He was going to have it !!!
Saturday He sat beside me at a family 'thing' and squeezed my hand while i struggled with under currents that raged between my daughters... because i could feel the hurt of one.. and the disregard of the other.. He let me rant and rave when we were safely home... He held me and let me cry.. He hugged me and let me cry..... He promised me that He will be there.. right beside me no matter what....... and if He decides it is enough! He will bring me home...... and i will not have to deal with life and its pain alone .. any more!
Today - Sunday - Sir had to leave me to go and work on the Remembrance day parade and memorial service... (Veteran's day for our American friends) and in the quiet of the condo i marveled at the strength that is in this man i call Sir....... no matter who needs Him.. no matter the day or the problem Sir finds the strength.. the resolve to reach out and help............. i am so lucky to be able to say "i am owned by Him" !!!