Over the past few weeks i have openly stated "IF i wasn't post menopausal - i would SWEAR i was pms'ing" ... only difference is my "pms" (for lack of a better word) seems to be ongoing.. not a monthly event.
None of the women folk in my family went through menopause.. not naturally anyway..(so i don't have anyone to talk to about this from a family point of view) even my mother who like her sisters had a hysterectomy very young went on HRT and stayed on them for years - until her death from breast cancer. Her sisters did the same thing.. HRT till they died from cancer in one form or another.
i decided early on... on this menopause journey... that i was going to do it naturally. My doctor fully supported my decision. All in all it hasn't been that difficult a journey....... i read books about menopause (best one was "Off the Rag") and decided to laugh about the hot flashes.. the night sweats etc.. make a joke of it and it couldn't be that bad. And i was right.. i virtually sailed through those symptoms.
The big problem was my blood pressure - did you know that hormones help control blood pressure?? But even my blood pressure the doctor managed to get under control with some pills..
BUT now.. now i face unstable and bitchy (as the cartoon at the top indicates) and i am trying to laugh at it.. but somehow it isn't all that easy. PMS daily .. 24/7 is something rather daunting to face. i had an epiphany this weekend when i had a meltdown and couldn't stop crying... (ohhhh i still believe i had a damn good reason... subbies - as discussed in previous blog entries - do NOT do well with promised sessions and then have the rug pulled out from under them.......... fear factor is an important element of any good session) Sir didn't know what to do to help me.. i asked Him to please give me some time alone.. some time to cry and not have to worry about protecting Him from the tears.. i felt as though i had been holding it in forever.......... and so .. graciously .. Sir left me .. and i had a damn good cry....
My grandmother used to maintain a good cry .. a really good cry .. cleans the soul and makes the world bright again. i believe she could be right. While i was alone and crying.. i had this epiphany...... there is nothing wrong with Sir.. with our relationship... i DO love the man with all my being.. what is wrong is that my body/mind is playing tricks on me.. reading fairy tale blogs is playing havoc with my mental stability (not being able to differentiate between the real and the not so real - i seem to have lost the ability to cut to the chase along with losing my hormones)
i realized no matter what anyone thinks.. or advises........ Sir and i are really the only two who can work on this relationship.... sure some Doms - when with their subs - play for hours and hours ... but then that works for them right?? would it work for us?? i did a very honest soul searching look and realized ....... no it wouldn't work for us... One of the reasons is we are together 24/7 for the weekends.. not just for a few hours here and there over a monthly period. We are living BDSM not playing at it occasionally.. life has many facets to it.. and we must live through all the facets.. the good the bad and the ugly..... AND i realized that i would panic if Sir and i didn't have an excellent session of some sort or other to report here on my blog....... how WRONG is that???!!!
So i wiped my eyes.. blew my nose and told Sir that all was right with the world once again... welllll until the next time... This part of menopause seems to be a bitch to deal with.. some days i honestly think i am losing my mind. This weekend helped me to remember it is what it is.. MENOPAUSE. i am not going crazy (well not crazier than i am normally).... i am just limping along without any hormones.
AND there is a bright side to this.. first - i don't have those monthly periods to deal with any more (well it has been 5 years now and i have finally - in this last year - realized it IS over - everyone say "HALLELUJAH !!") secondly all the horror stories of losing my sex drive and natural lubrication has not happened to me (wellllllllllll not yet anyway) .. and thirdly - i am still a vibrant cheeky woman - underneath the bitchy unstable-ness......