Thursday, September 01, 2016

How to Do This Thing we call Submission

Lilac had some more questions for me -- 

Yes and I would like to ask you questions. Because I have a little confusion here. They say that once a person submits, that person can't make the rules . What would you advise and suggest a young and very strong submissive (who is a complete leader in vanilla world) entering the lifestyle in looking for a Dom ?

1). Should she find a 24/7 Dom who will let her do things her way in serving ?

2). Or should she find a Dom for bedroom purpose only ? 

(please everyone remember -- this is MY opinion!!)

Lilac --

I don't know where you are getting your information from -- BUT saying you can't make the rules is just wrong.  You should have the final say on what happens or doesn't happen -- which is why a submissive should be strong -- should know what she wants -- what she likes -- what she craves.

But there are steps........ ready?

When you meet a Dominant you are interested in -- when you have had the coffee dates and the usual getting to know you dates -- then you start 'negotiating'...... and there is no time limit on negotiations!!  One of you should have a check list -- find a very extensive one -- and fill it in -- and go over it with the Dominant ...... talk it out  -- and talk it out again.  And THINK about what you are agreeing to... 

Being a submissive can mean serving - it doesn't always have to though.  If it is not your 'thing' then service is off the table.  BUT -- if you like taking care of someone you love -- like making meals for them -- like making sure their creature comforts are taken care of -- putting them first -- then you negotiate what that looks like for you both.


over time -- you can re-negotiate!  as you learn and grow - what you said "NO" or "maybe" to can change as your comfort levels increase.

BUT having said all that ....
on a day to day basis no you cannot change the rules -- you stick to what you agree on .. what you have negotiated....... which is why I said make sure -- SURE -- you negotiate well!

Lilac --

when it comes to looking for a Dom -- whether your relationship is 24/7 or just in the bedroom - it starts out just like any relationship -- vanilla or BDSM.  You spend time together -- you socialize together -- and you figure out (the best you can) if it is gonna work.  24/7 is pretty much like being married ya know.......... would you move in with someone -- or have someone move in with you after one date -- or one month??? 
AND if you find that someone special -- you still don't HAVE to do 24/7........ take it from me -- no matter how hard you try to have 24/7 real life gets in the way.... family, work, children, illnesses -- a whole multitude of stuff........ negotiate it -- negotiate everything -- and dear god -- always communicate!!  Even if you are striving to be the best slave the world has ever seen - remember in the final analysis only YOU can be responsible for YOU!  

(climbs down off the soap box now)


Lilac said...

Thank you again, Morningstar, for posting this as a separate post instead of a regular comment. It's always nice to read the thoughts and experiences of a seasoned submissive.

I have read a lot about submissive negotiating before getting in the relationship with the Dom. But I did not know that the submissive can make the rules and can have the final say on what's going to happen or what's not going to happen after getting in the relationship.

On the other hand, please let me ask a couple more questions from what you mentioned yesterday in your post. I really apologize first if I'm not asking the questions in the right way. But this is very new to me and I really want to know.

So about micromanaging, I understand that you're a very strong submissive who has always been in charge of yourself. You do not need any Dom to micromanage you at any point at all. And again From reading your posts before, you let W choose your meals and clothing, let him make decisions for you etc. Were these acts just role plays ?

Also, I'm still trying to understand about poly relationships that you mentioned. I understand that it's still new to you too. Yesterday, you wrote "This style of poly is new for me -- I am following his wife's lead and Hand's lead obviously. " I truly respect that you honour his wife's lead. You're following her lead but then at the same time, you want her to serve him with you.

Thank you very much again for posting and replying. I guess the whole BDSM and lifestyle thing is really beyond my understanding. And I hope I will understand one day though.

morningstar said...

Ok Lilac -- this one I am going to answer here....

Re your observation on my relationship with W.....
remember I said "negotiate"?? I had negotiated all of those things with W -- and I was aiming to be more 'slave' than submissive (there is a difference) The one thing I learned from my time with W -- that micromanaging is very difficult -- very tiring -- on both sides of the slash -- and it is something I will not do again --

Re my new poly relationship --
you need to understand that as much as I share a lot of my life -- I do not share everything -- and I most definitely will NOT share things about Hand's life or his wife's life that is not mine to share.

You said "you want her to serve him with you" No -- not quite -- it's more like I want to serve him WITH her. She comes first -- she is #1 -- I do not want to overstep any line -- or step on her toes -- I respect her as much as i respect him...The one rule of poly that sticks out in my mind "do no harm" So I will always allow her to fetch and carry so to speak for him -- and if she nods to me to do something -- or tells me I can do something -- that is when I will -- it's kinda/sorta like she is the "alpha sub" (I HATE that term but it might explain it better)

and besides she knows him much better than I do - so I follow her lead.

Being new -- even if you're not new -- you must find what works for you !! and build on that -- what you are reading here is what works for me -- not some law engraved in stone :)

Lilac said...

Thank you for the explanation. I guess you're right in that, in the end all it comes down to what works best for each individual. It's not about being dominant or submissive or all those labels .

Thank you again :)

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