That was a comment left from my last blog entry.
I am constantly being asked questions about my being a masochist - how I process pain.. always questions and I find it difficult to find the right words to explain to folks ......
On a BDSM website.. someone asked these questions..........
'What does pain do for you? Is the pain itself an actual sexual button? Do you have an orgasm from the infliction of the pain?
Or do you find it to be a release of a different kind? Does it become a type of stress relief? Something that centers you? A challenge?
OR, is it a combination of several things?'
This was my answer
I have to say it is a combination of all of the above.
When I am sitting (as I am now) waiting for the clock to tick off the hours till I am played with - my mind tends to focus on the pain and the craving my body has for it.
When I am over some piece of equipment at a play party then my body responds - at the beginning - to the pain with foot stamping mind numbing curses - and then I feel the endorphins or the adrenline - I don't know what nor do I care - and then I become one with the pain.. and it is like a delicate ballet - a dance between my body and the floggers or whips or paddles and my Sir is leading and it is beautiful,
and my Sirs know how to lead the dance .. how to coax more and more from my body.. I feel the tightening in my lower belly.. and I ask for more and more.. harder and faster.. and the orgasms rip through my body.. lifting me up literally and figuratively - on tippy toes I feel the waves wash over my body and as the last shudder leaves me weak .. I go back down and offer my body up for more pain.... delicious delightful pain.
And when it is over .. I am deep inside myself .. focused and centered and fulfilled.
Now to clear up the bit about sexual drive outside of pain..... YES I crave "normal" sexual relations.......... I do not have sexual relations right now because my Sirs are married - to each other - and do not have sex with their submissives.
Is it hard not to have sexual relations - hell yes !!!
Do I dislike sex - hell NO !!!
If I could find .. what I am calling....... a "full service Dom" I would gladly enter into all the aspects of life.. satisfying all my cravings.. pain... sex.. companioship..
There are days I feel lonely ... and as though something vital is missing from my life.. I am working on that... maybe I will never find what I am looking for.. maybe I will find something else.. a compromise.. I honestly don't know. Life is fun.. but it isn't perfect.