Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Usually we think about "giving back" not "taking back" but this past week i have come to realize i have to take back my life.
And i honestly don't know where to start or how to start.
i spent the first week of being uncollared wandering around like a lost soul.
All those protocols / rules and rituals that i have lived by for 9 years ruled my life ..... even uncollared.
Each morning i would sit and stare at the pc cause there was no morning journal to write.
Each time i was out of the house i kept one eye on the clock cause i was expected home at a certain time
Each time i went shopping i thought i should ask permission to buy this or that
Each time i came home i went to text him and tell him i was home.
Each time i came home i stripped naked and pulled on my "subbie at home" uniform
Each night at 8 sharp i would look at the clock and think i should be online for him
Each night i would strip naked and slide between the cold sheets
Each time i sent an email i automatically went to cc it to him
Each time i spoke to someone i thought i should ask permission / or at least tell him
When....... i was collared to him......... i would half joke that he had better leave me to someone in his will........ cause i wouldn't know what to do / how to do it without him in my life.
i never thought about the ending being this way.......... left on my own to find my way back.....
i have a whole mess of taking back to do.
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