Monday, March 29, 2010
a submissive is?????
i used to call myself "submissive".
i used to know what a "submissive" was.. what a "submissive" looked like .. what a "submissive" did.. how a "submissive" behaved.
Now i don't know any more. i am confused.
A submissive doesn't question
A submissive obeys
A submissive puts her Master's needs/feelings first
A submissive doesn't argue
A submissive doesn't lie
In the beginning i was learning how to be a "submissive". i worked hard - very hard to be the very best i could be. In the beginning i wasn't owned.. nor did i own. i know that last bit may raise a few eyebrows.. but when a submissive is owned.. doesn't she also own - in a way - the Master. Shouldn't she hold his heart close to hers??? Shouldn't she care for him.. protect him.. love him too???
In the beginning i was just a casual play thing.. once or twice a month.. fairly regular evening training sessions on line.. morning journals... in the beginning.
Then slowly the relationship changed and it was once a week .. then weekends... then it felt like we were joined at the hip......... and there were vanilla activities.. and plans for the future.. for retirement.. for growing old together.
But somewhere in the middle there were things...."things"...... that hurt me. and i closed my eyes and grit my teeth and told myself i had to accept these things BECAUSE i was submissive.
i thought i had been clear... about my hard limits.. about my needs... i wanted only him.. i wanted him to want only me. monogomy is the word.
The worst thing i remember.. the most humiliating event ......, ropes brought to me to wash. Ropes soaked in menstrual blood .. blood that was not mine. and i washed them... because i was a good submissive and because he ordered me to. That is not to say i didn't throw a fit..... i did.. and then i chastised myself and beat myself up for not being a good submissive.
There were other events that cut me - worse than any carving he did to my skin... those healed.. the cuts to my heart didn't heal as well.. they left scars that hurt... but still i tried to be the best submissive......
and i laid there and took it all.. and told myself i was submissive and this was the lot of a submissive....
yet i could hear my grandmother's words echoing in my head... "you won't be a doormat for anyone - IF you refuse to lie down"
So now i am starting to stand up again.. tall and straight. And now i want to know.. am i no longer submissive???
i can see myself one day .. being a play thing for someone.. because i am a masochist and i will one day crave the pain again. (and NO despite some whispering in my ear - i will NOT become a Domme - been there .. done that.. got the Tshirt and threw it away) But i keep asking myself will i ever be "submissive" again??
And the answer keeps coming back NO ....... i can't ever lie down again.... i can't ever again become a doormat. And i think that makes me sad - despite how dumb that sounds - because there was something about being a "submissive" that felt so right deep inside me.
Can someone ..... anyone...... help me here?? please?? what IS a submissive??? can i ever get back there again???!!!
and yeah this is the second post today.... the one i have just written has been eating me up inside since Friday when that nasty hateful email arrived.. pointing out how bad a submissive i had been....... and the seeds of doubt were planted... and they have been growing and choking me..
someone please?? can i ever get back there again??