Thursday, March 18, 2010

Looking - inward


my thoughts these days are muddled - and loud - and persistent ........ and confusing.

i get up each morning and go through the routine of the day........ honestly though.. it is by rote.... without much enthusiasm or joy..... even my Dr Seuss celebration set for Monday has become a day to get through.

Memories/feelings keep popping up....... glaring at me.

Last night i jumped awake - because i saw W's face up close .. nose to nose .. staring at me with that look....... you know the look (well you do if you are submissive). It was very real - i looked for him even after i knew there was no way. Once upon a time he drove over here at 1:00 in the morning just to scare me.. just to show me he could. i guess that memory was kicking around last night as i slept.

Feelings keep eating at me.... feelings of somehow failing..... somehow just not being good enough........

When W met me i couldn't be naked - i dressed primly and properly ....... like a "lady" just the way i had been raised. W wanted me naked or dressed like a slut.... i don't think i ever pulled off the "slut" look..... i was way too uncomfortable in that personae ......

He liked me as close to naked as possible - so he would have "easy access". i got it.. in my head..... but never in my heart.

We often joked about the big Dom book of rules and the subbie book of rules....... is it written somewhere that a submissive must be a slut?? or look slutty??

Would i have been less of a submissive if i had refused outright to dress like a slut.. to be naked??

i never felt i carried it off ..... did i fail at it??


For now i am working at feeling comfortable again IN my clothes......... and pulling my nightie on every night as i climb into the big empty bed...... i am not breaking any rules now........ it is ok ...... i am ok..........

or i will be ......... ok.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

you WILL be ok, you are surrounded by love , support and friends .... one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
xx equator hotty xx

Florida Dom said...

I know this has to a heartbreaking time for you but you will be OK. Just keep going one day at a time.

And don't think you failed or that you weren't good enough.

I think breakups in this lifestyle are terribly difficult because they are so intense, but don't lose your self-esteem or your self-worth.

And keep sharing your pain in the blogs. You should know your readers will support you.

And when you put on your pajamas at night, think that it's a step in turning a page in your life. You will be OK.

FD

swan said...

Dear morningstar --
There is no "book of rules" for all of this. As far as I could ever tell from this distance, you did the very best that you could to meet the requirements and expectations of the dynamic that you formed with W. I never once heard Him say otherwise.
I know that you are hurting, and in the very early days of a very difficult breakup. It is appropriate that you should re-examine everything that you can get to from this last nine years, and question all of it. That is part of the process of taking back that you must engage in. You will pass through this part of this, find your balance again, and come to a clearer view of this part of your life. In time, I hope that you will be able to see those things that did not work to enhance your life AND those things that were good and valuable and exquisite -- because surely there were both.
For now, go through the days and the nights. Celebrate the coming of spring, the growth of those grandbabies, and the love and friendship that surrounds you. The rest will take care of itself.

Hugs,
swan

His lil girl said...

I feel D/s breakups are more intense because the relationships are more intense. The world is experienced as Oone and when the other half of your Oone is no longer there, it is normal to feel lost and hollow. But time does heal all wounds, in its own time and I know this personally. I only know you from your posts, but I know your pain well from my own. Hugs.

Buffalo said...

I guess if a person wants to know something they need to step up and ask.

What's the reasoning behind wearing a nightie?

morningstar said...

Buffalo

because i always did before...because it is how i was raised... because it is modest.... because i can