Hard to Explain

I have been cooking racks and racks of ribs today and cleaning the house at the same time........ which means my mind is free to roam here and there -- think this and that ..... try and sort out my feelings.....make plans......



Every single day my mind is doing menu planning ...... either for here at the house -- or up at the campgrounds  (two very different sorts of meals) ..... and the reason why I am mass cooking racks of ribs and going to freeze them -- is so we can have them over the summer months.  I HATE menu planning.  You'd think after 40+ years of doing it it would be a snap.... that I would have menus at my finger tips..... but I don't.  It doesn't help that the last 3 years or so I only cooked for myself -- when I did cook / eat.  
Besides main menus I seem to always be baking -- cookies .. squares... breads.. muffins.. so there are sweets in the house.  It's healthier and cheaper than buying them.

Ideas for fun activities for the summer weeks we have the lil one are starting to percolate in the back of my mind too.......... things to help pass the days --- and what I need to buy to make my life easier during the long hours 'daddy' is at work.

I was thinking how for some reason IF I don't work at least 8 hours a day -- if I don't have a list of 'stuff' I did - I have somehow been lazy -- somehow failed ...... (grinning) it doesn't help that the lil one always asks when she gets off the bus at the end of her day -- 'so what did you do today ??' and when I tell her she either nods sagely or says "is that all?!"  (Some days I would like to snap at her -- 'how much have you seen your mother do -- EVER' but I don't ...... she's used to how I work )

On Sunday evening Sir Steve told me to tape our Sunday night shows as we were going to bed early.  Then he took a shower.  Inside I knew that if he took a shower he wanted a blow job..... But when it was time for bed I got 'silly' .... I was unsure about giving the blow job.  Back when we went through the stress induced dry spell -- blow jobs were hard on both of us.  As much as he enjoyed them they didn't produce the desired effect (if you follow my diplomatic explanation).  During that dry spell -- I started to want less -- to touch less - to not initiate -- not that I was ever a big initiator -    

Sooooooooo needless to say I was awkward and must have seemed very uncomfortable (at best) or unwilling (at worst) ........ when truthfully it was neither.  I have no reason to be stressing over sex anymore -- Sir Steve has more than proved the dry spell is over and he's back better than ever ........ While I was cleaning I had a light bulb moment...... my cautiousness ... my sensitivity to the 'issue' is no longer needed -- I can touch and caress and tease to my heart's content again......... in other words - put the past behind me and have some fun!

Ohhhhhhh and then I was thinking about the spankings ... do I really miss them?  or is that old days I miss???? the wild parties -- the energy that flowed...... and can we ever get those days back again??? I am not sure -- but they say 'you can't ever go home again'........ so I have my doubts.  so the next question I asked myself is -- do I NEED the spankings??? and nah I don't think so -- punishments or funishments or whatever you want to call them don't work in our relationship...... I am not the brat that everyone thought/thinks I am......... 

I think I have a relationship that combines BDSM in the best possible way.  We are equals -- sharing ...... and yet Sir Steve is in charge.  He will make sure that the best decisions are made for all of us.  I serve him - not on my knees naked like in the fictional books -- but standing tall proudly....... cooking and cleaning and yeah ....... doing the dreaded menu planning.