Scare-arousal

Actually Hands calls it scararousal -- it's a thing between us... I think he uses it to check my level of discomfort over 'things'.

Right at the very beginning -- and I do mean VERY beginning -- our checklists didn't mesh exactly.  There was an item or two on his "favourite" list that were on my "hard limits" list.  

That's something about BDSM that has always kinda amused me -- I get asked what my hard limits are and truthfully I can put anything on it...... and I did -- or always used to ........ 

But at that moment -- when I looked at his list and mine --  I made a decision not to hide behind embarrassment -- or fear of humiliation anymore.   Something about "only living once" went through my head and - for lack of a better word - an inner sense that I could honestly and truly trust Hands implicitly.

And so it began.......... 

Hands has been teasing me verbally and with pictures and small tasks -- pushing my comfort levels -- pushing my ex-hard limits. Every so often I "whisper" in his ear -- when I am feeling uncomfortable or unsure and he reassures me -- lets me lean on him -- and slowly I move forward again.  Mostly it's his asking "is it scararousal? You like scararousal don't you?"  and I breath and realize he's absolutely right -- I am scared and that fear is also arousal.

A couple of days ago -- he used a term to refer to me -- a term that knotted my stomach and made me feel sick.  I rolled it around in my mind -- played with it --  Hands reassured and stroked and pushed gently -- and I found the term became embedded in my brain -- like so many other 'things' -- inside my head -- whispering to me in the night - making me smile and feel warm and tingly.  

I ask myself why -- why am I going down this road with Hands??? why now?? and I realized his dominance feels so different from everyone else's........ it's not proud or boastful.  HE is not proud or boastful.  He is soft and gentle and caring.  He gently guides -- He does not demand or threaten or take.  He once told me he would never take -- it would have to be offered (whatever the "it" is)

It works you know -- this waiting for me to offer -- waiting for me to be ready -- this gentle hand versus big stick -- it builds trust that he will never willingly or knowingly do anything to belittle me or make me feel less than valued.  

And it works to build such an amazing amount of trust in general and that's something I thought I had lost a long time ago.