Comfort

A dear friend lost her older brother on Friday night.  My heart breaks for her and her family.  I want to hold her and take some of the pain away.  I know I can't.  I will do what I can.  I will go and sit with her - there is nothing else anyone can do.

B. S.

ooops that should have read D/s not BS (as in Bullshit)

It's difficult to look on D/s now and not see it more as bullshit.  However I kinda challenged myself to draw a picture / or maybe plans on what a healthy D/s relationship should look like......... because I know - KNOW - some folks have a healthy D/s relationship and it works -- for them -- for years............ though I must admit I would love to see a 24/7 D/s relationship that works for ...... forever!!  Can't think of - or find too many of them.... but if you are reading this and have had a D/s relationship that works well and has been in existence for years (like more than 15 years) do step up and tell me.....

See I keep wondering what went wrong with our D/s (I have to say "our" cause you just can't have a D/s without the D -- or the s part of the equation).

I wanted D/s - wanted it bad!!  Said I could handle it !!  It was just what I wanted.  It made perfect sense to me - one person in charge one person following - no chance of bickering right ???!!!  Things would run smoothly right???

D/s seems to come with rules.  The rules can be short and sweet or long and tedious.  BUT I believe if rule #1 really is "The Dom is always right" you got a problem - a big problem.  Cause no one person is ever always right.  AND I believe when wrong the Dom - as much as the sub - should apologise.  Not cloak themselves in the Dom title and pretend it didn't happen.

BUT this entry was not supposed to be about the ills of D/s - but what I imagine a good strong D/s relationship should look like / sound like/ be like.

I believe this D/s relationship should be more a symbiotic relationship - each depending on the other -- encouraging the other -- challenging the other -- growing and expanding together. 

I believe that there should be separateness in their togetherness - a time for both to explore and learn and grow.  I believe there should be a sharing of  those times.  I believe that the Dom should be strong enough to listen to their submissive and hear -- really HEAR -- what she has to offer.  

I believe the submissive should trust and value and respect  and maybe even love her Dominant.  She should not come to fear him because of the rules - or the inconsistencies.  I believe under the right conditions a submissive would walk through fire to please her Dominant - and know he would do the same for her.

I believe there should be "free times" when the submissive can speak her mind without fear of punishments or reprisals.  I believe the Dominant should be consistent and honest and loving and trustworthy. 

I believe that more than rules - they should have a code for both to live by.  A code that stipulates Honesty above all else -- Trust -- Respect.  

So that should the day come when -- for whatever reason -- the relationship ends -- neither one is left feeling less worthy -- less trusted.  Where each feels they have grown and learned and come away a better person. 

   
                                               D/s should be this ^^^^^^








 

Busy Weekend

I was busy this weekend - which involved a lot of driving.  Friday night went to visit some friends and spent the night so I didn't have to drive at night - but did put almost 3 hours of driving in back and forth.

Saturday a dear friend needed me and I was there ...... there are times in your life when you are needed and you just go - cause that's where you need to be........ 

Sunday I was back in the car driving to Montreal for middle grandson's birthday.  Another long drive - there and back 5 hours.  (and we all know how much I love -- NOT -- long drives)

Driving home last night I realized just how alone it feels to be driving alone in the dark... it's almost scary.......... In all the weeks/months that have passed since my life started to unravel .. I have to admit last night was almost a little too much alone-ness for me to handle.

 

 

Sunday Sentiments

Ambivalent

I have been musing - a little by myself and a little with mini me about BDSM and me -- or her depending on who's doing the musing -- and I realized I am basically ambivalent for the most part.

Then last night I was out at this educational event - surrounded by toys - mountains of toys - all sorts of toys. I sorta/kinda took my "bdsm pulse" and got a low reading.... 

Then I heard two words - just two - "tomorrow night" and that pulse I had been checking went up a notch or two.

Maybe I am not as ambivalent as I thought...............  
 

Bouncing Ball

Haven't done a bouncing ball post in a long time.... but I just have a little bit of this and a little bit of that to share this morning.......... nothing terribly substantial............ 

Sooooooooooooo

following the bouncing ball.............. 


the other day I wrote a bit on work - and how stupid I felt cause I couldn't get the pretty little clicks to work - after my "pity party" I decided to work at it again - till I either got it - or died trying.  Needless to say I got it!!  I was delighted - I'm not dumb .. dumber.. dumbest... I got it!!!  so now I am whizzing (well whizzing for me) through my new project making pretty lil clickable slides that one day will be an elearning for some company................. but most importantly proving you CAN teach an old dog new tricks - cheeky grin

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I live in the world's quietest apartment !!  It helps that most of the residents are over 50... but the other morning I heard this horrendous noise (around 5am) I jumped awake.  It sounded like my walls were imploding... it didn't last long but scared me enough I was up and checking (which meant any hope I had of going back to sleep was gone) I only heard it that once, couldn't find the source and then the quiet descended.
Yesterday morning it happened again.  MY GOD!  I hate being awakened out of sound sleep with images of my apartment blowing up in my head.  But that's exactly what it sounds like.  The only thing I can figure -- cause yesterday I did get to listen a little longer and with more rationale thinking than before -- and I am wondering if someone close to me is having a shower and their pipes are shaking rattling and rolling.  Now if that is it -- wouldn't they hear the sound from their side ??? Wouldn't it make them jump too??? Wouldn't you think they would contact the building manager?? It's not normal to have pipes rattling and banging is it??

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OH and I know what else happened that I haven't shared.  I wanted an area rug for my living room -- but the in store area rugs are all smallish (5x8) and I really wanted a 10x7 rug with a splash of colour seeing as most of my furniture is brown or shades of beige... one of our hardware stores had a rug on line that looked like it would definitely fit the bill.  It was 10 x 7 and was brown / beige /rusty red with geometric shapes and squiggles.  So I ordered it -- back in August -- basically sight unseen.  I HATE not seeing something up close and personal - touching it -- walking on it (in this case cause it was a rug)  I was told it wouldn't be shipped till Sept 15th!!!  I had to wait a whole month!!!  AND then they billed my credit card immediately ........ I was worried.  On the 15th I checked the tracking -- nothing ............ on the 18th I checked the tracking -- it was on the truck -- YAY!! and a couple of hours later the doorbell rang!  My rug had arrived.  Eldest daughter was still here - thank god and helped me open it and get it laid out - who knew 10x7 was SO big!!??  or that the furniture was so heavy....... anyway the rug was laid (and other than the smell which was AWFUL!)  It looked great in the space.. and did exactly what I wanted it to -- add a pop of colour to the room...............

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Tonight I am heading off to an "educational event" (BDSM education of course) I am not too sure how it happened but I was appointed a group leader to this FetLife/real time group.  Tonight's theme is "Tricks, Toys and Pervertables" (at least I think that's the title)  I have pulled some inexpensive pervertables out -- but couldn't resist bringing my knives and tack paddle -- le sigh -- may scare some newbies but hey that can be fun too........ ummm maybe I should bring my tack bra (thanks to kaya of under his hand who started this trend and then taught me how to make one )  

And tomorrow night I have a munch to head out to........ back on Saturday and then Sunday off to Montreal for the middle grandson's birthday party.

I am gonna need a nap on Monday  .............. 

And I do believe the bouncing ball has stopped bouncing ...............

 

Jabber Jabber

I had posted a rather lengthy whiny post this morning ........... and when I was at the gym... when I was at the drugstore .. when I was working.. I kept thinking it really was TMI... me and my sexual hang ups... le sigh... 

Suffice it to say my inner voices have killed what little sensuality I had........ and trust me when I say I didn't have very much.  The inner voices kept repeating (like a mantra) good girls don't............ OR ... she's not very good at oral but what can you expect ... stuff like that.... 

And I posted here cause it's always been my place to just let the voices out.............. but somehow today's post just didn't cut it for me.... I just kinda thought it was too personal to put out there........... 

So.........

The Inner Voices will continue to jabber .. jabber  and hopefully one day I will learn to turn them off ............  

Visitors and headaches

One of the reasons my daughter came to visit me - was to teach me the next steps in web design.  

Let's see if I can explain it a little better .......... You know when you go to a web site and there are all these little buttons that say "click" and you do - and a new window opens or an animation starts ....... or other magic happens......... well that's the next step in my web design course.  And Eldest daughter came to teach me.

After 24 hours my brain hurt - not my head!!  not a headache !!  literally my brain hurt!!  and then I was having heart palpitations cause I just wasn't getting it....... (never mind the fact that each day she was here we both had an online course to take that was WAY above my learning curve!!)

But finally it all started to make sense and I could get the little click here button to actually click and take you to the next screen!!  and have the audio start at just the right moment - and have  text boxes magically appear - by jove she got it!!

Or at least I thought I had it!!

Daughter went home on Saturday evening.  Sunday I decided to try creating a few slides without her sitting beside me ............. and yeah I got the click buttons to sorta work - but for some reason now the audio is sporadic and buttons are appearing when they aren't supposed to............. I was pulling my hair out!!  This new process is only supposed to take me about 8 minutes I spent nearly 3 hours - H O U R S - on one slide and it still doesn't work.  

I feel so bloody stupid - and frustrated - and questioning WHY in god's name I ever thought I could actually learn this :( :(  and what a drag I am on eldest daughter :(



Now before you all think we only sat glued to our computers -- with bruised brains -- no we did manage to go to a munch on Thursday evening.  And eldest daughter got to meet some of the wonderful people who have been supporting me and holding me up and just being friends to me since I moved here.....

And on Saturday when eldest daughter's significant other came to pick her up - we all went downtown to the Fall Festival - which really involved closing down main street and having all the shops putting their end of season stuff out on the street for sale. 
But despite the cloudy skies and the drizzly rain - we did do the whole main street from top  to bottom and back again - had a lovely lunch - before the kids had to head home.


Today my poor daughter will have to take more time away from her work to skype with me and try and figure out what the hell I am doing wrong :(  God I HATE when I don't get something immediately - and I have to be a pain in the ass !!!  I am hoping it is some small glitch in my process that she will spot immediately and I will be up and running again...........

Otherwise - a gun to the head (not the computer like the picture above) might be the only way out.................  

Sunday Sentiments

Company's coming

I have been busy working - and cleaning and just being me............ which is why I haven't been around here....... busy busy busy

And this afternoon my eldest daughter arrives by train for a few days....... (see me do the happy dance??)

So truthfully I am not sure if I will get around to posting here till she goes home on the weekend - quality time and all that :)

I'll tell you all about it -- I promise!!  

Until then - play nice 

The Time has Come............

On Saturday I received a text message from a friend who invited me to an impromptu party....... she had liquor and wanted some friends to share with........ 

She invited mini me too........... how could I say no??? (especially since I have been saying "honestly I can't." "No not possible" for almost 3 years.  When she texted me I thought I really don't have an excuse anymore - girls night out - ummm - could be fun right??? 

So mini me came here and picked me up - and a casserole I had made (it was dinner time and the responsible side of me could NOT see a night of drinking without some food on our stomachs) 

We sat and chatted ...then ate the casserole (which was a bit dry and not one of my best - but hey it was food)........... we then chatted some more - the sun went down - it felt late and we hadn't even started to drink.  A check of the time showed it was only just after 8 !!  HEY when did the sun start going down so early??!!  

To be honest - I have never gone to a "drinking party".......... where the purpose of the party is just to drink - and tell wild stories....... I needed some lessons..... I figured the first step was to actually get a drink in me........ good start no??

I had approximately 6 ounces of Bailey's - yeah I know not exactly a boozing type of drink........but it's all I drink these days.  My friends had one drink each.  We sat around chatting - it was very nice and comfy....... then I started yawning - and we all know how contagious yawning is........... 

Then we checked the time  -- it was 11:30 and we were all done in.  In fact we hadn't had a drink in so long we were safe to drive............ so no sleep over  -- no drunken pillow fights.... I came home to my lil apartment and a very indignant Missy who bitched at me till I was in bed about staying out SO late!!

Sunday morning - about 5 hours after I had closed my eyes - my eyes popped open....... what was that banging???!!!  

OH MY GOD -- it was my head.  Throbbing!!

I sat up and the bloody room spun around.

I quickly laid back down and closed my eyes.......... how many drinks HAD I had the night before ......... yup only 1 - a big one - but nevertheless only 1............ 

I finally managed to get myself upright and put the coffee on - coffee would make me feel better right??? NOOOOOO not even close - it went down the drain.

I collapsed on the sofa and closed my eyes - this too shall pass !!!

And there I stayed -- all day long!!  

The headache finally eased sometime around mid afternoon..... I finally managed to get some homemade bean and bacon soup down me around 5..... 

And -- believe it or not -- at 6 p.m I was pulling some clothes on cause I had another party to go to............ this time not a drinking party but a make up party - 

It would seem I am turning into a party animal............. 

BUT seriously - I am just way too old for this shit!! 


I think the next party I want to go to is one where I get my ass whipped - or have electric currents run through my body - or some other form of torture - my recuperation time is ohhh so much quicker 
 

Sunday Sentiments

Gratuitous Sex -- OR -- How I am tired of being politically correct!

Yesterday I wrote a little piece on adjusting to life alone - at the end I put in a piece about masturbating... because - I am fucking horny!!!  

Anyway - it seems I am not alone in my desires........ last night I stumbled across a quick note on Fetlife written by a female claiming she was horny and writing a rather descriptive  piece about the way she would love to have these desires run out....... I read it nodding.......... maybe cause I totally identified with her dreams/desires of feeling his hands digging into her hips - feeling him thrusting deep into her - hard - over and over - till they both fell exhausted onto the bed. 

Normally having read something like that - something that got my heart pounding and my desires fired up - I would just click and move on - but for some reason last night I read some of the comments. 

What is wrong with people??!!!

The first comment I read chastised her for writing a piece that would bring the creeps out of the woodwork.......... just a bit further along there was a comment asking what would have happened if a male had written such a piece and wouldn't we all be yelling "creep"   

I stopped dead in my tracks.......... why don't I think that way??!!  I tend to write from the heart and what spills out onto the paper (so to speak) is rarely censored - and rarely do I think about political correctness (for lack of a better term)  What is wrong with people??!!  Can't we just have these sexy desires /needs/ wants and voice them??? Hell when I was growing up - one did NOT express any sort of sexual desire - at least not the way I was brought up (and yeah it was in the 60's and so that doesn't make much sense - but as I said - it was the way I was brought up)  I think it's wonderful that we (being humans not just female humans) can express our honest true feelings -- why must we be criticized for being honest??!!

These comments are one of the reasons I feel so much more comfortable writing here on The Continued Journey - versus Fetlife - people seem more accepting that come here - seem to mind their manners.  Oh they may think the things I read on Fetlife - but they don't voice them - they respect my right to say what is in my heart/mind.

So yeah - I am gonna say it - loud and proud - I dream about / desire having a male fuck me over and over - nails digging into my hips - orgasm after orgasm - till we both fall exhausted onto the bed...... sounds bloody good to me after nearly a 15 year drought !!!

 

Is it like riding a bike?

It has been just a little over 3 weeks since I moved to my lil apartment.  3 busy weeks.  But now all the knick knacks are out - pictures hung - pillows fluffed.  I can now officially call it "home".  

My brother was down from Toronto and spent a few hours with me here - having coffee and chatting.  He said something that stuck with me.  He said (about a family discussion that had happened around his dinner table one evening) "well daughter and wife were worried about how you would adjust to living alone - BUT - I said you had lived alone for a long time before this ........ move........... to Kingston - so this was nothing new to you".  I smiled and nodded and agreed with him.

BUT - I keep thinking - what am I waiting for??? cause that's what it feels like.... this living alone... like I am waiting for someone to come home.... or the holiday to end.... it's like I haven't quite figured out I AM alone (again).  And this is the new beginning - what happens next is whatever I want to happen next.

I am still trying to figure out what foods to buy - what to eat for meals - when to go to bed and when to get up - and I tend to tip toe when I get up so I don't wake/disturb anyone - but there's no "anyone" to disturb!  It all feels just a little weird.

Last week I decided I needed some sort of schedule - cause I have always done much better with schedules !  (don't forget I have only just retired - and always had a very strict stringent schedule before )   So I have started going back to the gym.  I am shooting for 5 mornings a week for an hour then home to work (the new work from home job I have ) ...... It's a start!!  Last week I did 3 days at the gym - but not an hour each day - 30 minutes at first and worked up to 45 minutes.  This week I have (so far) been 3 days for an hour each.  (YAY me!!)  

OH I almost forgot - the big PLUS - the one thing I discovered (which I know sounds silly) I can masturbate any time of the day or night that I want !!!  Last week when I was wiggling all over the chair while I tried to work - I realized I wasn't 1) hungry 2) tired 3) bored - I was HORNY.  Dear god when was the last time I had sex??!!  I couldn't remember - it had been THAT long.  Masturbating is a poor man's substitute for the real thing - BUT - it's better than wiggling all over the chair right??

I had bought a very pretty wicker basket for my sex toys ....... and it was sitting on the shelf in my cupboard.  I lifted it down like it was some "holy grail" for god's sakes !!  What has happened to me??!!  I used to LOVE sex....... especially with a partner - but we won't go there for now...... and when the partner was absent - or non-existent - I always had my vibrators .. my dildos.. my hitachi.  That day was like ... how to explain it... like the sun broke through the clouds - a bright shining sunbeam.  I could (and WOULD) masturbate any damn time I felt like it....... no more enforced chastity for me.

I am hoping this living alone will be like riding a bike - you never quite forget how to do it....... just takes a few tries to get your balance and the hang of it and then you are off!!

I'm Backkkkkk

did you miss me???

And before I do actually "continue" the Journey - a small explanation is in order.  I did not take The Journey private as so many thought - I took it down temporarily.  But some very wise people offered advise over on Fetlife - some very loyal readers came and found me on Fetlife.......... I don't know who said it - but someone said "Take Back Your Life".......... and those words resonated with me - kept me awake last night - made me toss and turn...... "take back my life"..........  And so here I am - once more 

I have done a little house cleaning ......... spruced the place up a little bit before throwing open the doors and inviting you all back in....

Who knows what the next days and weeks will bring to the The Continued Journey - but one thing is for sure!!  The Journey IS going to continue.......... and you will find me here most days............. 

DAMN it's good to be back!

Throwing open the Doors

Well my lil apartment is done - finished - ready for visitors.  Thought you folks might like a little walk through.............. 

As you walk through the front door this is what you see.........................

Turn left - we'll start at the end of the hallway with the bathroom..............

Next to the bathroom is my room................

And next to that is the guest room.............

Coming out of the guest room and turning left - you are heading towards the living room/dining room

Living Room - I have ordered an area rug with a POP of colour in it - but it won't be here for a couple of weeks....

Do a 180 degree turn and here is the dining room..........

And last but not least  -- the world's smallest kitchen I swear!!

 
And that dear friends is my new home -