There is so much noise going on in my head - it hurts - deafens - distracts me.
Some days are ok around here - just ok....
But my emotions are still going up and down - worst than a roller coaster. Some days it feels as though nothing has changed - BUT they have changed .........drastically.
I think maybe?? our still sharing the same bedroom - same bed - is playing games with my head.... Maybe ??? he should move to the other room - with his furniture and his clothes.. and his stuff....... maybe??
Maybe his still giving me little gifts is fucking with my head.....the MG insigna - the bracelet - the panda..... maybe???
And when he suggests how I should do something.... I have to learn it's not a criticism - I don't have to "obey" anymore and I most certainly don't have to feel guilty because I don't do it his way..........maybe??
I know everyone (friends and family) are waiting for me to move out........ and I keep thinking about it........ but then I panic - what if I can't make ends meet?? Do I have to move to some area of the city that I don't know - into a cheap apartment - cut back even more to have freedom - to please everyone waiting for me to do IT....... ??? maybe I should ........ and damn the consequences maybe??
Maybe I should grow a backbone and ask for the money he promised me so I can try to move out - and on with my life ....... maybe??
I think I need to learn to communicate better - to tell HIM what I need...... mostly space I think (right now) ........ and I need to learn he isn't mine any more - and can come and go and do things he wants without my judging or becoming upset......... after all - it's HIS life right ? not mine and he isn't asking me to do those things right??
And I keep thinking - if it wasn't for Him I would never have moved here ........... I would have looked/investigated and I would have realized that I couldn't possibly afford to live here........ not on my own.. by myself. And now - between cancer doctors and friends and loving the city - I don't want to move ......... anywhere.
At the beginning I didn't want things to change - and he said they wouldn't ........BUT they had to change didn't they ??? So maybe now it's time for some forward motion -
Maybe??
Maybe now isn't the time to make any serious decisions, except to have him sleep in the other room, or maybe not. Maybe things will work out..
ReplyDeleteTo Blondie and sheila,
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of things...
First, I am making arrangements to have your money by the end of the week I hope but my banker is away so I have to deal with someone I don't know.
Second, Why should I move out of the bedroom, why not sheila? The main mattress is mine, yet the main frame is yours...
I am more than willing to assist/make your family and friends happy by letting you sink ( although I don't want to see that happen to you ), they can pick up the pieces.
W
Hil said:
ReplyDeleteI agree with Blondie. You have no need to rush. It's all too new and you should take your time to decide. But you also have to live YOUR life and enjoy YOUR friends and develop YOUR networks and hobbies so that when you decide to change those support things are well established. Hugs, you remain an inspiration to me. You clearly have an inner core of steel who says us subs are weak and feeble!
(sorry Hil somehow I managed to delete your comment - I did however manage to retrieve it )
morningstar, we've never met, and beyond what you've shared with the little blogosphere, I don't know you...but I think you are brave. I do think that as you two bought a house that you were both excited about - for now, why not share? If there is the extra bedroom, why not move his mattress into the other room and get yourself a new one? (Or vice versa.) Give each other space to be friends and roommates? If you can do that, and not place expectations, demands, and suggestions on each other...could it work?
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you two *can* be friends and still enjoy living in Kingston without sacrificing so much after you both worked so hard to get there. Crappy expensive apartments are no fun.
W - didn't mean to poke the bear. After fifteen years, I would hope that you would only want the best for someone who has been loving and faithful to you. Sharing a bed or not sharing a bed doesn't really matter unless you are trying to have your cake and eat it too. I just would guess that since you were the one to leave the relationship, that maybe you should be the one to leave the bedroom. I think that Sheila has a lot of maybes going on in her head and is doing the best that she can. Is the new sub worth all of the pain you have caused? And I would pray that you wouldn't just walk away and leave her to fail. I have tears in my eyes picturing the entire situation. Being in a relationship where I have given everything I had to, I can't imagine how bad Sheila feels. If you have any kind of love left, try hard to make things work out. Don't let some new little thing to turn your head. Believe me, if she is willing to be with you when you were already in a committed relationship, she has no idea what faithful means and you are going to get hurt. Be the Dom and take responsibility. No true Dom walks away leaving his sub in such a way. Reach out to other Dominants and seek advice on how to truly care for Sheila.
ReplyDelete