Setting the Story Straight........

 I have received a couple of comments that I have decided not to post - I hope the commenters will forgive me.  But honestly I don't want to upset W more than I have already........right or wrong ... W is still the man who filled my life with joy and laughter and love for 15 years. 

And as Reaperscreature said on "Maybe" you really only do have my version as to what has gone on here..words coming from pain and hurt....SO.. it really isn't fair to judge W based on that. In his defense he has been by my side through the good times and pretty awful beastly times - the medical tests, the surgeries, the pain, the fear...he held my hand and my heart.


Since the "Maybe" blog - W has given me back the money he promised and has moved to the other bedroom.  I went looking for apartments (again) and yes I did find one - a very nice one - in a residential area - all clean and sparkly - BUT - I am not ready to give up on THIS relationship - roommates and friends - without giving it a damn good try!!

I am hoping that we can find our way to roommates and friends.  To finding the laughter and the joy together again.  You know the very first thing I really liked about W was how he could make me laugh!! 

OH we will never be Dom/sub again - never be lovers again - but being friends is a good place.  and I would like to see if we can get there again.

And there you have it.. an update.... 

 

Maybe??

There is so much noise going on in my head - it hurts - deafens - distracts me.

Some days are ok around here - just ok.... 

But my emotions are still going up and down - worst than a roller coaster.  Some days it feels as though nothing has changed - BUT they have changed .........drastically.  

I think maybe?? our still sharing the same bedroom - same bed - is playing games with my head.... Maybe ??? he should move to the other room - with his furniture and his clothes.. and his stuff....... maybe??

Maybe his still giving me little gifts is fucking with my head.....the MG insigna - the bracelet - the panda..... maybe??? 

And when he suggests how I should do something.... I have to learn it's not a criticism - I don't have to "obey" anymore and I most certainly don't have to feel guilty because I don't do it his way..........maybe??

I know everyone (friends and family) are waiting for me to move out........ and I keep thinking about it........ but then I panic - what if I can't make ends meet?? Do I have to move to some area of the city that I don't know - into a cheap apartment - cut back even more to have freedom - to please everyone waiting for me to do IT....... ??? maybe I should ........ and damn the consequences maybe??

Maybe I should grow a backbone and ask for the money he promised me so I can try to move out - and on with my life ....... maybe??

I think I need to learn to communicate better - to tell HIM what I need...... mostly space I think (right now) ........ and I need to learn he isn't mine any more - and can come and go and do things he wants without my judging or becoming upset......... after all - it's HIS life right ? not mine and he isn't asking me to do those things right??

And I keep thinking - if it wasn't for Him I would never have moved here ........... I would have looked/investigated and I would have realized that I couldn't possibly afford to live here........ not on my own.. by myself.  And now - between cancer doctors and friends and loving the city - I don't want to move ......... anywhere.  

At the beginning I didn't want things to change - and he said they wouldn't ........BUT they had to change didn't they ??? So maybe now it's time for some forward motion -

Maybe?? 


 

Dreams.....

Two years ago I put in a BIG oriental-ish garden in the backyard.  I had such dreams back then of garden parties - barbeques - sitting in the shade of my big red umbrella reading in the afternoons.

The problem with a BIG garden is that it takes a lot of work - whether you feel like it or not..

And by the end of last summer I wasn't feeling like it... there had been no barbeques - no garden parties - just me outside reading.........

Needless to say there hasn't been a lot of enthusiasm towards the garden this summer... I only got out yesterday to start working on it... trimming back the winter kill... digging out the mounds of weeds...

The other problem with my back garden is we back on to a green space...forest.. with tons of undergrowth which grows through the back fence - and bugs... especially mosquitoes.

I am allergic to mosquitoes - and none of the damn sprays work! 

This morning I tried to work away at the mess that once was a beautiful dream - a beautiful garden,  I got to the back fence ...... started digging and was attacked by BIG man eating mosquitoes!!  I kid you not!

I lasted as long as I could - swatting and digging and swatting some more.  I watched as big red welts came up on my arms... I could feel them on my neck and head.  After an hour I was miserable - close to tears and itching so badly I thought I would rip my skin off.

I started putting everything away

W came around the back and cracked a funny (I guess) said "what you finished already?!"

It all went down hill from there... 

I landed up after he left  sitting on the front deck as far away from my garden and mosquitoes and dreams - and cried.

Some days are just not good days