Faces

On the weekend here in Kingston there was the Great Canadian Rally.  Over 1000 Harley Davidsons and their owners blew into town for 3 days.  On the Saturday W dropped me off in town (parking was next to impossible and he had other things to do) so I could wander round and take pictures.

When I came home and was going over the pictures I had shot I realized I had some good shots of people - faces in the crowd.  Normally I don't capture (or feel I don't capture) good shots of random people.  This time I saw a lot of character in my shots - a lot of interest.

Here are just a few of the Faces from the day...............

 

Confused

A week ago W and I had words - W yelled - my heart broke.  He bought me flowers I bought him an anniversary gift.

I was going to wrap it all up and put cute little explanatory notes on each of them... on the gag I was going to write - 'for those times I open my mouth and say all the wrong things - all the unsubbie things I shouldn't say'.  On the paddle I was going to write - 'to re-enforce correct subbie behaviour'. 

Then sometime on Sunday W posted publicly on FetLife that he had lost the interest/pleasure in beating me... that it didn't fill a need for him anymore......... I went into shock.

In part this is what he wrote:

"Once again morningstar is sitting crying/upset butt knot from getting a beating that her ass so very much needs and wants butt it is ALL because of Me. Y/you see I lost the desire, want, need, pleasure to give her that beating and have for a little while.
Now let Me make it VERY CLEAR IT ISN'T HER FAULT, with the exception every time she gets " pissed off, upset, teary eyed ( My words ) " it sends Me down even lower because I am knot servicing her, butt she is still servicing Mine.
I am trying to work it out, butt it is hard when one doesn't have the trusted back-up I use to have or most likely ever have again."

 I didn't think about my anniversary gift until it was too late to return it.  So on Tuesday morning I gave him a bag with the two gifts inside - with the prices still on them and the bill in my hand.  I said "If you wish to return them do so and buy yourself something you really want - maybe something for your train set up"

Instead he created the picture (above) and posted it to Fetlife,.  He tried the paddle out on my ass. And he gave me my gift.............one of the figurines I collect - a little girl holding her cat

Then after a miserable day where my car didn't start and I had to call roadside assistance and take the damn thing to the garage - I wanted a barbq chicken (like I used to buy in Montreal ) for dinner and couldn't find the same ones...... we finished off the day eating supper in front of the television.

I am confused and feeling lost.  I feel there is something wrong - and IF there is something wrong then - as the submissive - I must be responsible - and yes I know how stupid that sounds - how illogical !!!  BUT I can't help what I feel - nor can I turn those feelings off.

So who knows what the next 12 years holds for us - hell who knows what the next few days hold for us........ I just know I love W with all my heart.......... and I wish I could fix whatever is going on............

Anniversary

It' s our anniversary today - 12 years.  

Well at least  we think it is 12 years.  Funny thing about our Anniversary - we were really good at keeping tracking - especially when W would carve the year into my breasts...but somewhere around year 9 we kinda/sorta lost track.  We always celebrated but would often mumble and grumble and debate which anniversary it was.

When W moved here to Kingston he came across an X-rated coffee mug I made him for our second anniversary ........... So this morning we pulled it out - did the math and established it really truly is 12 years together.

I was thinking this past week -  our 12 years together haven't been any "50 Shades" romance novel - but they have been REAL!  and will continue to be real - with all the ups and downs that come with it.

I love You Sir........... for now and always.

Sunday Sentiments

The Clouds Parted

It would seem every time there are clouds blocking our  (not just mine but our) view - the sun does come out again.  We pick ourselves up - brush ourselves off - and head back into the 'fight' that is life.

On Thursday morning W headed out to run some messages.  When he arrived home around noon - I met him at the door.  He was carrying a large bouquet of flowers.  I asked - why - W answered (typical male) "the house needed some flowers - *I* wanted flowers in the house" 

And I of course cried

The clouds had finally parted and the sun was peaking through - and most importantly I realized we WILL face whatever comes - weather the storm - wait for the clouds to pass and the sun to shine again.

Just a small note here - I have been looking around the "community" both here and in other cities where we have friends and it would seem (to me anyway) that a lot of couples are facing the cloudy times.... and I am sad to say a goodly number of them are not working together - hanging on to each other tightly - until the clouds pass.  They are ending relationships (some as long as 20+ years)  It really does make me sad.  le sigh - why is it the grass always seems so much greener on the other side of that proverbial fence??

 Anyway.....

Last evening - instead of doing the 3 hour round trip to a munch - we decided to head out to dinner here in Kingston.  W had me pick one of 2 Indian Restaurants.  God I love Indian food!!  

And despite the clouds parting - despite the flowers for the house - I tried to kill W.  (cheeky grin).  W LOVES spicy food... and often complains - especially with my cooking - that there isn't enough spice.  So last evening as we sat reading the menu - I suggested W might enjoy the vindaloo ...........I told him it was very HOT and he took my suggestion and ordered the beef vindaloo.  

 We shared a nice platter of mixed appetizers.  I commented that the 'sausage'  (looked a whole lot more like one of miss ashes' hair balls) was quite spicy.  W tasted it - crinkled up his nose and said "not even close"

Our dinner arrived - a nice basmati rice dish, naan, his vindaloo and my lamb korma.  W took one bite of the vindaloo and................. his face went beet red and he started hiccuping ( I tried very hard not to giggle) I looked up from my lamb korma and asked if he was alright.  He was downing a glass of water.  I waited for the perspiration to form on his forehead - for tears to roll down his cheeks - ya see I knew it was hot - though I will admit I didn't know it WAS that hot!!

The waitress came over.  We both tried to get W to agree to putting some yogurt on/in the dish.  He refused and took another bite.  I have never seen W eat a meal so slowly - but more importantly I have NEVER seen W leave food on his plate and refuse a doggy bag.  At some point I realized vindaloo was way too hot............ not the type of "hot" W is used to.  He enjoys hot Cajun and hot Indian is VERY different indeed.

He waited for me to finish up my delightful lamb korma and then we headed to Dairy Queen where he had an ice cream cone - and finally declared the fire in his mouth out! 

It is wonderful to be back in the sunshine again.
 

Hard Question

I have been having a discussion via email with a friend.  He asked me some tough questions last night...............

We do a great job of hashing out just about everything there is to do with kink, but never talk about an exit plan. I've heard your line on "you can play with anyone you want as long as my total needs are meet". And I believe whole heartedly in that but what if your bottom can't meet your needs? What then? Is kink over? Is your vanilla life enough to keep you happy?


I haven't answered him yet ......... I think I am gonna work out my answer here  - and maybe get some input from you...................

He's right you know - at the beginning of a BDSM relationship we hash out everything (or should) from what we like/want/desire to what are "hard limits" no fly zones as I like to call them............... BUT we never talk about what happens when the relationship doesn't meet our needs/wants/desires anymore... You know once the new shine is tarnished and you wake up and realize this wasn't what you had hoped for.  Do you pack it in - the BDSM I mean - and go 100% vanilla??? Do you pack it in - the relationship I mean - and go find someone else and start all over again?

I know a few years ago I packed it in and walked away from BDSM.... threw myself into my work - my family ........... and woke up one morning and realized I was miserable.  I spent more than half my life fantasizing about whips and chains and floggers oh my!!!  I couldn't walk away............ just couldn't. 

I met two Tops who were looking for a masochistic bottom......... and played with them for a couple of months.  BUT........ as much as it was fun - good fun - there was something missing (besides the sex)  There was a connection missing..... a bond of spirits/hearts.  And so I walked away again..... this time I walked back into Sir's arms.  I had found everything I needed/wanted/desired with him.......... oh our relationship needed some fine tuning............ but it was - in my opinion - better than the alternative.

I know this relationship is nothing like I fantasized about or W threatened........ but it is REAL which is very important to me.  Yeah I miss regular play sessions and if we were in Montreal with all the clubs and play parties we would be playing regularly.  BUT we're not.  And so we make the best of what we have.

I guess in some ways - if one's needs are not being met in BDSM that is when poly relationships (in theory) work.  BUT I don't want another Top playing with me - I only want W.  I am not sure where W stands on this - I can't help but think I don't meet all of  W's needs/wants/desires - would he like to have a bottom that would fill the void?? I honestly don't know.

There is something exciting - intoxicating - about a new relationship.  Perhaps too often when the newness wears off we aren't willing to work on compromises??? To settle for real rather than fantasy.

I am not sure I have answered his questions.......... what are your thoughts on his questions? 
  

Lessons learned

There is (from time to time) a debate that rages over how a submissive mind set develops.  I know where mine came from......... it was my upbringing......... god!!  I did what I was told - spoke when I was spoken to - followed the rules ........... and tried so hard to be a "good girl" to get a word or two of praise..........

And so I am submissive now..  all grown up... still trying to please and be pleasing - and still dying a little inside when I don't measure up......

So when something happens and W gets angry - or god forbid yells at me - I feel like my world is falling apart - it is of course all my fault - I should have tried harder / done better/ or just simply kept my mouth shut......

(which is what prompted yesterday's blog - nothing happened on The Journey - but in my real life abby - thank you for worrying )




As screwed up as this all sounds - it is my life - all that I know.
 

shut my mouth

I need to learn to shut my mouth - to bite down on my tongue - to bury it all.  I need to learn to shut my mouth.

 

Momentary Fantasy

We were driving home late Friday afternoon and my body was slowly unwinding from a week of (truthfully) sensory over load.  Those moments - when the mind and body are exhausted and drifting are the best moments for me to have fantasies....... uninhibited free flowing fantasies.

We had just driven by "Domville" (I have written about this small town on the 401 before)  My mind just headed off down it's own path............ 

And there I was - in extreme servitude  in the house.  W had rigged up ropes and they were attached to my ankle - so that no matter where I went in the house I was always attached...... a tug on the rope would bring me back to kneel at his feet...... I was naked and humiliated and very aroused.

I could see myself heading up to the kitchen to make dinner - feel the rope around my right ankle being tugged hard - feel the sexual current run through my body - saw myself turning around - going back down the stairs to W ... saw my naked self kneel at his feet........ felt his hand in my hair pulling my head back - stretching my neck ....... felt his teeth bite me - felt his hands turn me around....... push my head down into the carpet................. 



Yup - it was quite a fantasy............... but I learned a long time ago - fantasies - for the most part - do not translate into real life.  But it was a nice little erotic dream like movie to pass the time in the car.  

Sunday Sentiments

Week in Review

After 5 days with "granny and W" yesterday we did the 6 hour return trip to drop the boys off at home.  

It was a busy week ................

Monday we did the big toy store Mastermind - then the comic book store - the Marine Museum and the historical walk..... 
W managed to work in some ass pinching / nipple tweaking to remind me who / what I was

Tuesday - the crappy weather day - we went and played 3D mini putt and laser tag for the afternoon...........
W yanked out the kitchen spoon while I was making breakfast and spanked my ass while I had to keep very quiet and relatively still so as not to attract the attention of the boys who were in the family room.... and then later W stirred my imagination with thoughts of what could happen in the laser tag area - adult only games

Wednesday - was our very long day - trip to Toronto - train ride - CN Tower and the Aquarium.
W did a lot of back rubbing and soft loving touches

Thursday - quiet day - After lunch I took the kids to the beach for a couple of hours 
W got the lawns cut and ran out to grab some groceries to tide us over........

Friday was the drive the kids home day............... 

Looking back - this year was nothing like last year.  The boys are a year older - and more 'difficult'.... loud.... a bit critical - argumentative ...... and the worst of it - seemed to think they were "entitled" to all the activities......... it was hard to get thank you's out of them - where as last year they were falling over themselves to say thank you and give hugs.

I guess I just don't have the warm fuzzy feelings I had last year.  AND I don't give in to tempers or whining like the other grandma.......... so I feel like the wicked witch of the West :(

I will say it was lovely to wake up this morning to a quiet house....... our "home sweet home" .......... and to know the boys are safely tucked away in their "home sweet home"...   

Who knows what next summer will bring............           

Our Adventure to Toronto

 day 61 of 365

I called it our "adventure" but for me it was more of a 'challenge'.

I had to have the teenager up and in the car by 9........... anyone who has had a teenager knows that is a massive challenge!!

We were on the road by 9:00am.  Our plan was to drive to the outskirts of Toronto - park the car at a commuter train station and take the train into downtown Toronto (the traffic is IMPOSSIBLE - even for ex-Montrealers).  The adventure was taking the train - neither of the grandkids have ever been on a train.

We arrived in Toronto in time for lunch.  Our first stop was the CN tower.  

W wanted to ride the 58 second elevator to the top of this massively high building... go out on the observation deck and take photos,  (Have I ever mentioned I am deathly afraid of heights??)  

We stopped for lunch in their cafeteria.  Hamburgers chicken fingers 2 slices of pizza and a sandwich topped out at a whooping $68.00 !!!  We won't even discuss the cost of the elevator ride to the top for 2 adults and 2 children!!!

The crowds of tourists were suffocating (have I mentioned I hate crowds??!!)    and trying to keep track of the boys in the crowds was a massive challenge!

Despite my horrific fear of heights I did manage to point and shoot a couple of shots of downtown Toronto.............

 


Then we headed next door to the Ripleys Aquarium

Now picture thousands of people walking through a darkened aquarium - kids running everywhere (including our two) baby strollers and total chaos........... I was so busy trying to keep an eye on the kids (and yes lecturing them about running ahead and getting lost) I didn't take many pictures of the fish - BUT - I did get some beautiful shots of the aquarium when W and I went in the spring (click here if you want to see them)..............

there were pop up bubbles where kids would wiggle through a tunnel and pop up in a bubble in the middle of the aquarium........... our kids loved them - so did I till realized the tunnels were one way - so they didn't come out the way they came in...... le sigh

We finished off the aquarium petting bamboo sharks........ yeah bamboo - go figure!!

Then it was back on the train and a 3 hour train/car trip home............plus a quick stop at 8:30 for a bite of supper at one of the rest stops (which - if anyone is interested - cost me approximately 1/3 of the lunch meal)

OMG I was exhausted - and the day has made me question my bright ideas to keep the kids amused while visiting........ (maybe even the whole idea of them visiting) ....... le sigh

Off the Bucket List

I hinted in yesterday's blog that because of rain showers we decided to take the kids to play indoor 3D mini putt and a couple of games of Laser Tag.

The kids were pretty loud and kinetic by the time we left the house after lunch (time to check their sugar intake me thinks) BUT we were heading off to burn off all that energy so I wasn't terribly worried.

day 60 of 365

 The mini putt was fun - though a bit rushed for my liking......... yeah yeah we weren't playing the Masters - but as the middle child had never played I would have liked a little time to explain/show how to hit a golf ball - like .............. it isn't a hockey puck that you have to hit as hard as you can to get it in the goal!!  oh well like I said 'it wasn't the Masters and he didn't manage to kill anyone so all's good!! 

We couldn't take pictures in the laser tag section.  It too was played under black light - with lots of strobe type lights added.  It was a maze with holes cut out of walls and stairs to perches......... needless to say "grandma" didn't do very well...,. I kept saying the kids didn't play fair as they spotted the "weak link" and followed me around and before I could get a shot off they killed me - each and every time (OH and I don't mean MY kids - they were on our team!!  LOL)

And as W said at the end "one more thing to take off my bucket list - AND - laser tag wasn't even on it!!"

First Day of Adventures.......

Day one -

Now as much as everyone likes to tease me about organising/scheduling/mapping out holidays............ I am nothing like that really - and certainly not like that when the boys come to visit.

Yes yes I have lists of things to do and yes yes I sorta kinda tentatively put them in the calendar - Monday - museum A.... Tuesday -  drive in....  Wednesday - Toronto - well I am sure you get the idea................. BUT the activities and days were not carved in stone!!  I mean I have already had to cross off drive in - cause the weather is not supposed to be great this week - and today which is Tuesday and the day I tentatively scheduled drive - in ( TENTATIVELY  I said !) it is pouring rain........... le sigh

BUT getting back to yesterday and my non-scheduled day........ I had the Pump House Museum down and maybe the historical walk............. W and the boys decided the Marine Museum was a better choice - and the comic book store - and the big toy store Mastermind.......... 

Now there is a really good reason why I never aspired to being a sailor - I hate cramped spaces and narrow steep stairs............ even visiting a ship was a wee bit more than I could handle....but being a GREAT grandma I took a deep breath and ventured onto the ship ..........
day 59 of 365

(and please note - there were no cute sailors to spice up the tour - in fact there were no ugly ones either - just a deserted ghostly Coast Guard ship to explore............ )

Now the comic book store and the toy store didn't take nearly as long as anticipated and so we just managed to get to the historical walk with 5 minutes to spare before the last tour.............(see me doing a happy dance!)

Calvin Hobbes - the newsie - was our tour guide and was thrilled to have a "real" Calvin on her tour..........

 
the tour started at the train  

wound it's way past City Hall - the court house - the hanging park - and ended up - an hour later at a park with a statue of Sir John A MacDonald.

 The kids said they liked the tour - but the youngest said his feet hurt............ seeing as we walked (total for the day) about 3 - 4 hours yeah I guess his feet might hurt 

Home for the best pizza in town for supper and then we all collapsed on the sofa (grandma wishing it was bed time - cheeky grin)


 

Visitors

I didn't desert anyone - I just kinda needed a couple of days off writing the blog.  Some days the words that would pour forth - shouldn't.  So I take my grandmother's adage "if you can't say something nice - don't say anything at all" and put it to good use.

After a very busy weekend - my two eldest grandsons arrived yesterday for a holiday with 'grandma and W' ..........

This will be a busy week of museums, mini putt games and laser tag, a trip to Toronto to see the aquarium - climb to the top of the CN Tower (I may not survive that one!) and various other activities to fill the days.............. so the Journey may be quiet - or just be filled with proud "grandma" pictures...............like today

 After a junk food dinner of cheese burgers with TONS of bacon - 

middle grandson wore it all off with an evening of skate boarding ..................... 

 

Day 57

As someone said when I had taken this picture - "that's a different way of photographing a sax"...... and in my head I thought ' yeah and your point is?'  I do like to try to see things a little bit differently - especially with every day things.

Boycott

Two weeks ago when I was painting the back fence - on the last day - I hurt my back.  I felt it creak - and I felt the shooting pain.  I cried - it was that bad.  BUT I took Tylenol every 4 hours made the pain manageable.

W was worried and felt I should see a doctor.  I admit, watching me limp up and down stairs and moan and fidget on the sofa was, at best, annoying...at worst, worrisome.  So I agreed to make an appointment.  I had to wait 10 days.  I joked with the nurse by then it would probably be healed.  

Yesterday was my appointment.  AND by yesterday the back was almost healed.  (hell I dug the front garden on Sunday and only had twinges in the back!!)  BUT I figured why not see the doc - ask what might have helped other than home remedies ....... cause we all know it's gonna happen again ...... right???

So I go in - my doctor is away on holidays.  His replacement wants to do a follow up on the surgeries - the cyst from the uterus the cancer from the bladder.  We do that.  

Then he has me doing all these range of motion exercises for my back.  (I have told him it barely hurts anymore - just slight twinges every once in a while)  He is very impressed that I can touch the floor with my hands, that I can bend over backwards, that I can walk on tippy toes .. and on my heels... 

He does a whole lot of poking and jabbing and asking if it hurts (no it doesn't) he asks if my legs have pins and needles  (no they don't) .. I remind him that I think the back is 99% healed and just want to know what to do better in future.

He then asks how I am peeing.  

The whole world just stops and sorta hangs there.

Peeing = bladder = cancer.  
and yeah I have read that bladder cancer can cause back aches.  I don't believe he is going there.

He asks when I see the urologist again.  He IS going there - and I can't believe it.  I can feel my palms getting sweaty - I can feel my heart pounding.

I call him on it.  How can this back ache be the cancer spreading IF they got it all not 8 weeks ago.  AND how come IF it is cancer spreading that Tylenol works.  AND how come IF it is cancer the pain is getting better not worse???

He just smiles and mumbles reassuring (oh yeah??) words and says he would like to see me after I see the urologist in August.

I made the next appointment and left with W.  I could barely talk.  CANCER AGAIN???  It took me a few hours to sort everything out in my head.  and to be realistic.  I pulled muscles in my back.  I DID have pins and needles in my leg for a week or so.  My back is healing.  He is full of crap.

So now I think - unless I am really on death's door - I am gonna boycott doctors.... especially if they are gonna bring up CANCER for every ache and pain I might develop over the next 30 years or so.  (see me stamp my foot?) I can stress and worry quite well all by myself - I don't need some damn doctor helping me do it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

day 56 of 365