Dip stick

Sometimes i am such a "dip stick"........

Last evening Sir was going to His train club...... and i should have known to check my email... but i didn't.. of course i didn't !! that would have been the smart thing to do.... Instead i waited till after dinnner.. and then checked.. and Sir had sent me a task list.........

7:00 - 7:30 put clamps on nipples..
7:30 - 8:00 put clamps on pussy
8:00 - 8:45 3 orgasms
8:45 - bed routine (which means bath and bed)

and of course i had to text message Him after each segment.......

i sat looking at the list.. and looking at the clock - it was almost 7:30.......... my stomach went into a knot...... even though i was staying home today - and could conceivably have gone to bed a little later... i didn't have permission to go to bed later.... ughhhhhhhhhhh



Then inspiration hit!!!

i have two sets of clamps - clovers and trainers..... i would use both and do nipple and pussy training in 30 minutes and be on schedule !!!
i looked at the clovers and the trainers.. which to go where?? i finally opted to put the trainers on my nipples and the clovers on my pussy........ of course it has been months since i had any pussy or nipple training..... so it hurt like hell...... but somehow it seemed an appropriate consequence for not checking my email more regularly......

so on went the trainers on the nipples.. and clovers on my pussy....... see my ass levitate off the chair - i kept reminding myself i LOVE pussy torture.. right.. i love it.. i love it .. i love it.. oh fuck it hurts became my mantra......... (fortunately or unfortunately youngest daughter called 5 minutes after i got the clamps on..... and she kept me talking for most of the 30 minutes.. though i must admit i didn't have much to offer in the way of "stimulating" discussion.. i did - however - do a lot of listening)

clamps off.. orgasms coming things were looking a sight better....... reward for the suffering..

then bath and bed..... well truthfully i skipped the bath because i was told to have the bathroom as dry as possible for today because (drum roll please) my new shower and bath are being installed today........

At 3:00 am - like an alarm went off - i awoke fussing over how to turn the hot water off in the house........ i don't have individual valves........ so it necessitated turning all the water off.. and i figured that meant the hot water too........

At 6 am i was up and downstairs trying to figure out how to turn the hot water off.. there was a spigot on top of the tank.... but i couldn't turn it for love or money..... i strained so hard trying to turn it that i think i have pulled muscles in my chest......... (geeeez now my nipples hurt.. my pussy hurts and my chest muscles hurt !!)

When the guy came to start the installation..... i barely let him get in the house when i told my dilemma about the hot water... He was very patient with this dip stick woman..... and told me that once the main water was turned off the hot water should be off too.... but he patiently came downstairs to have a look........ and did he get an eye full !!!! He was standing at the juncture of rooms....... and instead of going into the furnace room.. or the train room.... he stood looking into the play room......... eyes bulging....... my face was so red !!!

Anyway......... we got past that embarassing moment.. discovered that yes the main valve did indeed shut off all the water.. and now he is hammering and banging and gutting the bathroom............ and i am left to feel like a right royal dip stick.......

Tonight - though - i will be bathing in my new white tub with grey marble walls...... YES !!!!

Freeze frame

The tip of the cane was running ..... ever so softly...... around the contours of my ass.. circling the soft spot at the base of my spine..... running down between the crack of my ass... softly gently........making me wiggle and moan....

A major contrast between the pain it had just been inflicting on my ass only 2 minutes earlier.......... this sensual tickle with the top of the cane was making me wonder which was worse.. pain or sensuality.. my brain was doing loopedy loops.. my senses were screaming...... my body was vibrating like a well tuned instrument... and i had no idea what i needed or wanted..........

For a moment i pictured the tip of the cane sliding effortlessly into my pussy... teasing me more..... or sliding into my ass ........ but it kept up it's tormenting by sliding round the sensitive areas ....... teasing tempting.... making me long for release from this loving touch...........

And then .. just when i thought i might scream from the torment.... i felt the tip lift from my skin ........ and heard the swish through the air as it landed once again resoundingly across my ass...... making my body arch........ my ass shudder.. and i shouted "ohhhhhhh fuck"........

The pain was back.. the brief moment of sensuality frozen in time...

Thinking

i was thinking today ............ which Sir says is a bad habit of mine..and usually lands me in hot water......... but it is a hard habit to break - thinking that is... mind you so is me landing in hot water...... but that's another story.........

baby boy asked me for links to blogs/information on playing with more than one Dominant........ separately - not together...... and as much as i don't like a cross over between my Yes Miss blog and here........ the thoughts i had concerning his question were very much submissive thoughts - hence the reason i am posting here......

Now if i haven't lost you all in the confusion that is my thinking.........

Long ago and far away - i used to "bitch" ( yes yes.. i USED to bitch.. past tense ) about how it didn't seem fair to me that Dominants could have more than one submissive.. but submissives were supposed to be happy with just one Dominant...... what if that Dominant didn't do something the subbie wanted - i asked.. what if the subbie's needs weren't being totally met?? i got the same answer.. submissives give their submission to only one Dominant...... the Dominant can dominate more than one submissive.......

Well after an appropriate amount of pouting time.. i moved on.......

Actually when Sir and i were first together.. He had a partner - a female dominant - and so technically i had two Dominants. And oh god it could get confusing real fast !!! i remember one time being at a club in our Nation's Capital.... and was following Sir around like a little puppy dog....... (as i was expected to) and He told me to stay with Ma'am...... but He forgot to tell Ma'am i was staying with Her and She wandered off ...with me trailing after Her......... and i kept wondering what would happen if Sir wanted something - how would i know?? and Ma'am didn't much want or need me trailing after her .. and i felt like a spare part. They quickly remedied the problem by having me on a leash when we went out publically...... when i was to be with Sir.. He held the leash...... when i was to go with Ma'am She held the leash....... and when neither of them wanted me trailing around the leash was stuck in my mouth........ (which also meant i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone)

Anyway...... after a few confusing / stressful months of two Dominants.... Sir and Ma'am parted ways...... and Sir got me in the divorce (cheeky grin)

But that doesn't really answer the question put to me....... two separate Dominants.

And again my brain went wandering off in another direction... and i was thinking about the times that Sir and another Dom would tag team me...... once Sir and 2 female dominants were tag teaming me....... god that was fun !!! But always my allegiance was to Sir first......... even when Sir loaned me out - once or twice - i knew my submission was Sir's no one else's...........

And round and round my thinking goes..... only to come back to the point at hand...... serving two completely separate Dominants........

i don't think i could do it...... honestly i don't. My gift of submission can't be divided.... i can only serve one Master....... others may find it easy to serve many Masters....... but i can't imagine there being a bond...... a trust..... as deep and abiding as there is when one pledges oneself to one other.........

And truthfully i don't believe a Dominant would want to invest as much time or work in a submissive who is also serving another Dominant..... and training?? good god .. what one Dominant wants/desires/demands is probably not what another wants/desires or demands....... how confusing is that???

Many play partners may work for some........ but not for this lil subbie...... i have enough getting into hot water with one Dominant....... i don't need or want more than one ......thank you very much.......

and all this rambling really doesn't answer the question put to me by baby boy..... so if any of you know of blogs or information sites on serving more than one Dominant feel free to post them in my comment section..... i am sure baby boy will appreciate whatever advise any of you can give...........

favourite things.........

After yesterday's emotional .. write from the gut..... blog.. i thought today i would go back to answering those questions that you left for me when i went through my dry spell.......... and in reviewing them - trying to decide which one i would answer... this one popped up........

What are the top 5-10 things you would recommend trying (specifically)?

and i thought 'my god!!! how can i answer that??? especially after yesterday's blog about picking your own kink?' i mean .......how can i???

Then i thought ....... well i could write a list of my favourite things (singing in Julie Andrews mode) BUT i am not recommending anything...... ok?? as long as we have that one straight........ here goes....... (and they are in no specific order...... )

Bondage ...... there is absolutely nothing ........ nothing ....... like being tied up and having no choice what is done to you....... Sir used to tie me so that my feet were over my head (kind of) and were attached to the head board of the bed...... very exposed.. no where to go...... ass fully exposed...... oh my god .. what fun !!! Of course there is the body harness and trying to beat my own record of 8 hours in it.......... and the feel of the ropes as they are removed from my body...... the crotch rope being ripped out .. feeling like it is riping the very skin from my private pink bits........

Pussy Torture...... i love it.. god i love it !!!! whether it is clothes pegs attached.. or bull dog clamps.. or clover clamps..... or listermint strips inserted....and i shy away from discussing my love for.. need for .. desire for.. rough sex .. rape like ... because i am fully aware of how sensitive a subject it is for many ...... but i love no warning.... i love to be taken roughly and urgently... and violently..

Needle Play ..... i have discussed this before........ how Friday nights are often needle night..... and how relaxing i find it..... as each needle is inserted i feel the stress leaving my body.... i don't much like breast torture...... but i have tolerated needles inserted in my breasts (until i read somewhere that breast tissue shouldn't be damaged because it might alter cell structure - and since then i am a little more jumpy and tense when it comes to needles in my breast)

Naked ........ i know this bit may sound weird...... but i am the one who couldn't be naked in my own house - alone! Sir trained me to be naked at home.. i still quiver when He orders me to strip at a private or public play party .... but i am beginning to think deep down inside i do enjoy it........ and have (on some of my more adventuresome days) even flashed Sir in public places for photo opportunities... been stripped in the nature park near the condo and tied to a tree.. the thrill of discovery !!!

Pain..... i discovered a long long time ago - in another life time almost - that i loved pain...... i dreamed of ways of inflicting pain on myself...... to the point that in my early 20's i was a "cutter" ........ because it felt good....... and might explain my love of knife play now.......

Knife Play...... the very first time that Sir brought the first knife into the house i drooled...... i honestly did !!! It made me hot and horny and dripping wet to think about the feel of the cold steel against my skin.... to feel it slice through my skin....... (it is - in my opinion - that Sir finds it just a little bit stressful cutting me....... as it is a new concept to Him - the original bondage only guy)

Spanking toys....i was all set to write about my 2 favourite toys.... the crop and the paddle........ when i realized i also like the circus whip.. and the vegan whip.... and a half dozen (at least) other spanking toys........ i was thinking the crop may be my favourite because when Sir uses it not too heavy and not too light ..... (sounds like Goldilocks doesn't it?? ) i can have an orgasm just from the pain.......
BUT then i like the heavy paddle (that looks an awful lot like a cricket paddle i think) and it will send me into sub space faster than any other toy..... and leaves hard white circles on my ass for at least 24 hours afterwards.........

Those are a few of my favourite things............. la la la

My thoughts

i have a feeling that my post over the weekend "Just say NO" concerning (mainly kaya's blog) but included Finbar's from Fet Life and my own personal opinion raised more than one or two eyebrows.. even though it only raised one comment from pet.

i have been down the safe word road more than once on this blog.. and many many times in relief life..... and i have debated the "safe sane and consensual" theory about as often.

For those of you not up to speed... here's where i stand very simply.......

i do NOT believe in safe words - if someone has you tied up and comes at you with a buzz saw - do you really believe saying "purple alligator" will stop them??

i do NOT believe in the safe sane and consensual bull hockey - anyone and i do mean anyone - who believes we are sane to want our asses walloped - or needles stuck in or our bodies cut should rethink the definition... and as for consensual welllll folks when my limits are being pushed i sure don't think consensual........

No ........ i sorta kinda think R.A.C.K. is more appropriate....... but trust me it still has a whole mess of holes in it........
For those of you who don't know the angram - i even found you a reliable definition:

"Risk-aware consensual kink" is a term that was coined in reaction to current dissatisfaction within the BDSM community regarding the political issues (internal and external) surrounding the " safe, sane and consensual" ethos that many people define consensual BDSM. Specifically, RACK is intended to embrace edgeplay and play that is engaged in without safewords.

Now getting down to the real issue at hand..... is it my job to protect the innocents that come here to read?? is it my job to worry about the frenzied subs and Doms who might read here and decide "oh wow I am going to try that !!" without benefit of practice or book learning or a workshop or two?? Never mind some years in the lifestyle..... some real life experience.
NO - it is not my job pointe finale.

This blog is mine...... i can talk about all the issues i want to.... i can discuss sessions with Sir that involve knives and cutting.. or needles.. or whips and chains and floggers and i should NOT have to worry that some poor fool will come along and take my blog as law....... take my blog as being SAFE..... or SANE....... or for that matter ....... CONSENSUAL.

This blog is for adults only....... so is kaya's blog.. so is Finbar's ......... and if adults do not have the good sense God gave earth worms..... then so be it. i am not going to lose sleep over something i write ..... worrying that some green naive wet behind the ears subbie (or Dominant) might run right off and try it. We are all responsible for our own safety .. our own sanity and our own consent.

THAT is why .. i always preach (yes preach) that multiple play partners is not always a good thing......... that meeting some stranger in a motel right from on line is not a good thing....... which is why i always preach YOU need to build up trust with the person who is going to tie you up and give you all your fantasies.... you need to know deep down in your heart that they are not going to maim you or kill you......... YOU need to have trust......... not blind trust... but good old fashioned trust........ (and remember the old adage.... 'be careful of what you wish for' )

There are so many aspects ..... different facets....... of this lifestyle that there is bound to be one or two that you will come across that will make you squeamish make you want to run a mile....... and that is good!! you know your limits and you know which Dominants to stay away from and which ones to grab onto.......... but do not .. i implore you....... put down someone who believes in and enjoys and relishes edgeplay......... (that definition i am gonna let you all look up yourselves - take some responsibility damn it !!) that is what this blog is about - taking responsibility for yourself ....educating yourself....... and realizing that there are some out there that are gonna play a whole lot harder .. a whole lot differently than you ever could.

It would be nice if we really could rejoice in each other's kinks...... but barring that.. and barring accepting their kinks....... just laissez faire....... let them be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
and for those of you who dropped by to read about our weekend.... check my Yes Miss Blog...... andrew came to visit this weekend.

Just say "no"

Over the years there have been many discussions on safety words..... and the right to "just say no"....... but none touched me as much as the one on kaya’s blog .......

i was most definitely a little biased towards the "safe word" philosophy in this case - cause ya know - i HATE anal... i don't even see it as an option........ and so i read kaya's blog and thought dear god in heaven why did she allow THAT??

And then i got to thinking...... i was having my ass beat.. my breasts..... and my pussy with some nasty plastic beads that pleased Sir... He rather liked the dimpled effect they were leaving on all those private bits of mine....... He didn't much care that i was squawking and hollering about how it hurt........ how it wasn't fair......... and at one point He asked me .. He actually asked me !! ....... if i was ok.. if i was having fun........ and i realized no matter how much it hurt.. yeah i was having fun !! and yeah i was more than ok !!! which in my opinion is why submissives should never have safe words ........... cause it is just too easy to stop it... and my god.. think of what you would miss !! you might actually - in hind sight - realize you had fun !!! that you enjoyed what just happened !!!

And yeah there is a BIG difference between having my ass beat and kaya being ripped from stem to stern anally......... BIG massive difference...........
But is there.. really. Doesn't it all depend on where you and your Master are on the scale of things??

i was reading a Master's blog this week on Fet Life and He talked about being a Sexual Sadist...... i didn't get it.. is there a difference between a Sadist and a Sexual Sadist?? is there a difference between a masochist and a sexual masochist??

And this morning i thought about kaya's blog and the Fet Life blog entry and i realized there is a difference........ and i guess maybe Sir and i are not Sexual Sadists or masochists..... maybe?? The S/m experienced around here - is mostly related to pain.. plain old fashioned pain - no sex included......... and yet?? well i do rather enjoy pussy torture......... but then there is little or no sex involved with it........ (see i am going round and round in circles here - but i am pretty sure we aren't Sexual Sadists or masochists)...

Anyway........ getting back to the plastic beads and dimpled ass and safe words and "just say no" .. Sir moved right along after i had whimpered and cursed and shouted my way through them.... to the crop and finally the big bad evil wooden paddle............ the wooden paddle that leaves me gasping for air....... and with an ass that pulses for a long time after the toys have been stored away......... (in fact even this morning my ass has two very nice hard spots on each cheek) and i realized i do not want a safe word ...... do not want to be be able to "just say no"........... that's not what i signed up for..........

And despite what some may think...... that this bossy sub kinda rules the roost around here.. i don't........ i don't want rights... i want a Sir who does what He pleases....... how He pleases..... when He pleases........ and what works for us ..... may not work for you....... but ask me if i care!!

If you are interested - the picture above was 'stolen' from Sir’s blog about His latest acquisition and pride and joy....... the plastic chain!

Announcing.........

A lot of movies have claimed to be BDSM orientated... and yeah some of them have lived up to their claims.. (Story of O, The Secretary) But truthfully there was always something a little ....... ummmm... i don't know.. fictional about them??





i was reading the other day.... over on swan's blog...... that there is a new movie - documentary actually - coming out entitled BDSM: It's Not What You Think.

i am including both the movie link........"kinksters confront stigma and stereotypes"

and the blog link

i know i am gonna keep my eyes and ears open for a possible release of the DVD (don't think Sir and i will be making it down to San Francisco for the premier in June........

Graphic Details

i am having such nice warm fuzzies right now.......... it has been so long.. so very long.....

ok let me go back a bit and start at the beginning..........

i haven't felt a sexual twinge (unprovoked) since Christmas.......... i was told that the "feelings" would come back ...... just be patient... well it has been almost 6 weeks since i swallowed the last lil white pill......... and nothing... i have even tried some porn (well by my definition) and nothing.. not one twinge... dry as a bone.. nothing.......

Today when i came home i was sitting here at the pc playing backgammon (ok i admit it i am totally addicted to Backgammon) and my mind was wandering .. sort of flitting from one thing to the next and then i realized i was wiggling on my chair..... wiggling !!! ok ok.. you don't get it...... when i wiggle on anything usually my jewelry tugs and plays with my clit...... only up to this point i haven't wiggled - OR - if i have - it hasn't rung any bells (so to speak)

i kinda stopped.. held my breath .. and let my brain register ....... was i actually feeling something?! i wasn't sure..... it was just a twinge.. but it was a twinge..

Right away i text messaged Sir and asked for permission to play....... and immediately He answered back "yes"......... i won't lie to you.... as i walked to the bedroom my heart was pounding ........what if it was just a twinge and nothing happened.. what if i couldn't awaken the twinge into a full blown orgasm??



i pulled out the big guns....... the hitachi....... it has been so long since it has been used i had to wipe the dust and spider webs off it.... (JOKE!) and plug it in.... it had absolutely no juice......


i slipped it in and it was a tight fit...... can you become a virgin again?!! and i turned it on slow........... i slowly angled it so the head would rest against my jewelry and my clit..... honest to god i nearly levitated off the bed......it felt like a soft buzz saw running over my clit......... and that was on the slow speed !!! i had to lift it off.. it was way too much....... but i could feel the tightness in my lower belly..... and i wanted this so bad.........

i closed my eyes tight and pictured Sir sitting on the bed beside me.. i imagined His voice being all stern and Dommy..... saying "lie still ...... do NOT move........ not a sound" and i flipped the switch to high........... and brought it back down on my clit......... oh my god !!!!! my back arched but i didn't lift it off my clit..... 'Sir' was still sitting on the bed.. still holding the vibrator and i was still hearing "not a sound" and wow........... my belly tightened even more..... and i was grinding my body into the vibrator and the vibrator into my body...... and in less time than it has taken me to write this i was spurting all over the bed... gasping for air...... and feeling ............ exalted !!!

Dare i hope my libido is back...... in full form???

youuuuuu whooooooooo

Didja think i disappeared into the great black void known as the internet??

No such luck - i am still around and still having fun ....

let's see what fun and interesting stuff have i been up to.......

ummmmmmm.. let me think.. oh yeah i went back to work (half days until i can get in to see my doctor) ....... had to deal with a bloody grievance with the Union...... weirdest thing that.. i belong to the same Union as my employees - see any conflict of interest there??? survived the meeting ......... filed my own grievance about conflict of interest (i can be such a shit disturber when i want to be !!) am still working my way through the mountain of paper work and deadlines......

had great plans to work on my back patio this weekend (if i can just get the damn knee to kneel!) but Mother Nature is thwarting my plans by bringing in rain .......

Sir dropped by unexpectedly and very briefly this afternoon (so brief i didn't even get a swat on the bum ) ............ i was surprised to see Him.... and met Him at the door in this lil clingy undershirt thingy i wore to work (under a jacket WITH a bra .. no sense in shocking the staff too much!) but the bra was off and i was prancing around in the clingy undershirt thing and panties .. not really thinking much of it..... when i noticed that Sir's eyes kept straying to my tits......

After He left i glanced in the mirror and realized the material rubbing across my nipples had made them hard......... (which is putting it mildly) and they were poking through the material...... and i blushed.. standing there looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about Sir looking at them..... i blushed!! i remembered when i first met Sir how i couldn't be naked even alone in the house...... how He worked and worked on me to get me used to being nude.. even having me sit each evening in front of the web cam naked while we chatted.........and so i wonder why it is... today ... i felt the same embarrassment i used to feel at being naked......

And that dear readers is about it for all the fun i am having here in the Great White North ..............

My story

i was following my early morning ritual (well since i have been off work with my knee) of reading blogs while i enjoy my coffee.... no pressure.. no stress.. no hurry.

Then i read swan’s blog entry and was immediately pulled into the story she was telling.... her story. She finished up the writing with this paragraph.....

That is my story. Others follow different paths, but I honestly believe the decision points (isolated from the details) look very much alike. Perhaps the sharing of the journey is the most important gift we can give to one another.


and i thought ...... it is my turn...... my time to tell my story....... and so here it is......

i married at the ripe age of 21 just one month shy of my 22nd birthday. i remember on my honeymoon lying in bed beside the man i now called "husband" wondering what in god's name i had gotten myself into.......... but i was determined to be the best wife.. the best daughter..

We spent 20+ years together..... and a lot of those years were good ones.... but something was so missing in my life....... we had 2 daughters........ the house in the burbs.. the two cars in the driveway....... i was a stay at home mom... and basically bored. Hubbie was .... i don't want to say incompetent because he really wasn't...... as everyone told me he was a great friend.. a great neighbour... a great employee.. it was just...... well he kinda sucked at being a father or a husband. He had his hobbies and friends and often times they came before family...... he had his TV and often times it came before family ........ and when my need for some sexual gratification began to interfere with his television shows he bought a TV and put it in the bedroom......... (need i say more??)

Raising the children.... paying the bills....... keeping the roof over our heads fell to me.. planning the holidays and vacations fell to me.....caring for his parents fell to me .. and his favourite words were always "yeah yeah let's do it" then he would back out and claim he never said yes in the first place ...... i began to feel like i was losing my mind......... or worse.. that i was wrong .. all the time wrong.....

And all through those years i was craving someone to be in charge.. to take the load off my shoulders..... it felt so wrong.. i was always so afraid of making a mistake.. of doing something wrong..........

BUT there was my dad....... my strong willed - do as I command Dad....... and when i was feeling overwhelmed or lost Dad would step in and make things right...... Dad would plant the trees........ dig the flower beds.. finish the home reno projects.. Dad would laugh at my hubbie and say he knew two speeds...... slow and dead stop. Dad said the marriage wouldn't last 5 years.... i proved him wrong. (but at a price)

Soon after the girls left for school ....... i learned what it meant to be really bored........ so i started going back to school to finish up my degree...... and then a second diploma... and a third....... and somewhere in all that school going........ i lost my dad..... suddenly while he was curling ....... and my world was turned upside down...........

Now my hubbie looked even more incompetent .. more lacking in the skills i needed to make me happy.......... i am not saying he was a bad person......... he just wasn't the right person for me...........

Around this time i also discovered that the fantasy world i had built for myself - based on the book The Story of O - was not all that much fantasy. Through the early world of internet i discovered adult lists ....... where they talked of spankings and bondage and kneeling and wickedly exciting sex acts.......... it was no longer a fantasy in my mind....... but a reality - out there - somewhere in the big wide world........... and i wanted a taste of it.. i wanted off the island we lived on - and into some of that world...........

BUT i am not a liar or a cheat......... so i shared with hubbie what i was craving.. what i was looking for.......... and he figuratively speaking patted me on the head and said have fun....... i guess to him it was a kind of hobby........ something to fill my already busy days and nights........

i remember being on line late late into the nights...... reading everything i could my hands on...... "meeting" people on line who actually lived this life i dreamed of........... i remember actually setting up a meeting to meet a DOMINANT...... wow i was impressed.. it was like i was going to meet some royalty........ and through him i met lula....... who was to be my mentor and trainer for a few years......... lula who met my hubbie to try and mentor him into being the dominant i so needed........ who after meeting with him a couple of times told me that hubbie might be more submissive than i was........... there was no hope.......

And so i contented myself with going to munches... occasionally dragging hubbie along hoping something might rub off on him (it never did) .........

It was a long long road..... and lonely most of the time......... and i was in therapy.... dealing with my dad's death...... dealing with a marriage that was unfulfilling ..... dealing with my almost total inability to function outside the safe boundaries of the house........

And then i was beginning to grow ...... and move forward..... and hubbie was still mired in the routines that answered some need he had....... and i was finally ready to divorce him.... to move ahead with my life.......... and hubbie got bone cancer .....in his hip........and how could i leave him now?? who would believe this departure had been in the works for years??? And so i stayed..... and nursed him.. and worked full time and raised my girls..... got one settled in university and the other one working through high school....... and my inner needs were put on the back burner once again..........

And then .....i remember it so clearly...... it was June 24th.... and i told hubbie as he washed his car ........ that i was miserable..... and we needed to get some marriage counseling...... and he told me there was nothing wrong with him.......only with me......... i told him he had till September to do something about it......otherwise i was leaving him.........

It was a terrible winter where my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer....... i had found a Mistress ( i was never ever gonna trust a male again) ...... but in the March of that year..... i packed my bags and left.......... i remember so well thinking a bolt of lightening would come down out of the skies and strike me dead......... for "deserting my husband........ for moving in with a woman....... for leaving the FAMILY" .........

Those were tough days..... and weeks and years......... my mom died and we never reconciled........ my daughters struggled massively over the divorce and their world falling apart around them....... and still i pushed on....... i had to find some small piece of the "prize" i had been searching for........ longing for .. for so long.........

This 'mistress' i was living with .. collared to.. and committed to .. took most of my savings to fix up the "fixer upper" we had bought......... it was in her name...... everything was in her name because after all i was a slave right and had no need of money ........ she would take care of me.......... even into my old age..........

Funny how things happen........ into my old age... yet at the age of 47 this 'mistress' decided i was too old for her now........ she had found a nice young thing in Holland - 19 to be exact - and they were going to live happily ever after ......in Holland....... my world was falling apart..... the home i had invested in was being sold......... i was floundering............

i found a lawyer ...... and mostly through mistakes made by my "mistress" he managed to pull my ass out of the fire..... set me on my feet again - though wobbly - and i got to start all over again...... i was 50.

And then........ when i had all but given up any hope of finding a stable caring dominant......this man came into my life....... he had been reading my posts on a mailing list i was on...... he approached me at a munch and through a total comedy of errors he landed up offering to teach me about bondage ...........

This man was / is Sir.

It took me half my life to find a man who understood dominance....... who understood me..... who knows when to come and "get me" and keep me safe...... and god love him.... He knows how i struggle with letting HIm care for me....... the struggles are mostly mine..... hidden scars that have healed but still rub ..... and bring out the independent me.. the tough old bird me..... the "i can handle it me" ...... when deep down inside i know Sir will come and get me.. and hold me tight... and make the world a better place......

Almost 30 years after i read that story The Story of O and dreamed of a fantasy world that couldn't possible exist...... i have found my world...... my Sir.....

Front porch

i was reading blogs this morning.. and in the vanilla ones i found this blog entry written by The Michael on neighbours........ and it got me thinking....... about a whole mess of things...

about real life porches and neighbourhoods - where the grownups sit on the front porch or in the front yard and visit with those walking by... the kids play games on the street in the evening till the street lights come on and then they (kids and adults alike) all disappear like little puffs of smoke.......

it got me thinking about the internet neighborhood....... where people drop by (mostly unseen) to sit and read for a bit on my blog's front porch and then disappear again........

and another blog i found spankedhortic talking about meeting folks on line and trying to take it to real life and how it can go dead real fast.......neighbours who don't want to stop and chat on your front porch..... neighbours who really aren't that neighborly..... (ok ok i am taking a very liberal literary license here - forgive me)

And all of this internet neighborly stuff made me realize that communication on line is much more difficult than face to face............. the written word is so easily misconstrued...... like this morning i also read a blog (why i go to this one semi-regularly is a mystery even to me.. being as the writer HATES all things BDSM and he and i have had a go 'round and i should know better and stay away ) but he wrote that blogging takes no talent.. it is so easy that even a Neanderthal could do it.......and went on to elaborate .. and i quote ..... while some some illiterate S&M goat lover....and i got pissed.... and i shouldn't have..... i know his style of writing and i know his stand on alternate lifestyles..... and yet i got pissed......because writing a blog daily or even weekly or monthly is NOT easy... and i dare say there are some Neanderthals out there but for the most part the blogs i read anyway are well written - well thought out pieces.......ok ok there are a few exceptions!

Some of us "internet neighbours" would never be quite as truthful in a face to face discussion as we are on the net........or quite as rude ......or quite as sexist or biased or racist (the net is such a safe place to spew forth dogma)

BUT i digress..

Yesterday i was having an email discussion with someone about sensual writings..... and one thing led to another...... and of course i got cheeky (would i be "me" if i wasn't cheeky??) but maybe i crossed the line......... the answer i got back made me sit up straight in my chair and gasp......... i was warned - even if it was a soft warning - i was being just a tad too cheeky..........

Now face to face i would have judged (hopefully) that i was getting too close to crossing the line........ in email .. on the net.. it isn't always that easy to know when one is getting close to crossing that line.........

So maybe my beginning analogy of the blog world being like my front porch .... where neighbours drop by for a quick visit doesn't hold up........ cause i am hoping my real life neighbours would be polite...... and i would know when to stop being quite so cheeky...... even if i do give a little wiggle wiggle as i disappear into the house as the street lights come on............


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i have posted the final bit to the story The Luncheon - on the Fictional Journey.

Feeling Guilty

i slept most of Monday - and even went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and slept ....... so it shouldn't have surprised me that i woke up at 3:30 a.m. - wide eyed and bushy tailed. So i went to read blogs.. and for some reason - unknown to me - i went to Sir’s blog first.......... not expecting to find anything............ Imagine my surprise! Can you imagine my shame ?? i didn't really even know i had upset Sir....... i have been so wrapped up in my own lil world....... pity me..ouchie me.. scared me........

i have discussed before how difficult it is sometimes to be the graceful slave.... the all accepting never questioning slave. i realize today it is even more difficult - next to impossible - for me to be that graceful slave when i am all wrapped up in my own world of pain and fear.

YES i am independent ! especially when i am sick - or under the weather - or in pain. i am like a little animal i just want to find a hidey hole - climb in and not come out till it is fixed - or till i die.

AND that makes life very difficult when you are in a D/s or M/s relationship.... i am not supposed to shut myself off from Sir.. close down ... i am still supposed to be open and pliable and willing to please............. and having a subbie refuse to follow directions for her health is damn frustrating (i realize that now !!)

Somehow i have to find a way to open up more with Sir.. to accept His care and His caring as part of the relationship.......... not something to feel guilty over. Sometimes shit happens and the Master takes care of the subbie..... instead of the other way round... sometimes the subbie has to be graceful and accepting of this caring and not feel guilty about it......... not sulk and be bitchy about it........

i know i was guilty of that on the weekend.. and i know i was bitchy and i know i was sulky on the weekend........ the reasons for the moods don't matter....... what matters is i failed (miserably) in being the graceful slave.........

Message in a bottle

A few years ago a gentleman passed through our lives here in the Great White North - a gentleman that set the submissives' hearts a flutter ..... He was a very intelligent gentleman who gave a lot of thought to his beliefs and his philosophies - especially on this life style.

i remember one rather long discussion He and i had about my piercing........ or i should say - my wanting to be pierced. Of all the folks that were involved in the decision He was the one who made the most sense to me........ and to this day - all these years later - His are the words that still ring in my memory.

He passed through our world up here....... made friends.. and moved on. i remember feeling an emptiness of sorts after He had left........ and though, yes we have emails.. we have phones - god we even have planes to take us to visit.... it never really happened.... things just sort of petered out.

Then .. very unexpectedly one day - He left a comment on this blog. i couldn't believe my eyes !!! Considering all the blogs on the internet.. He had stumbled upon mine...... and had left (as usual) a thought provoking challenging comment.

A few private emails passed between us and then again.. quiet....... and i moved on again.

Until yesterday - when what to my surprise - Sir told me this friend had contacted us again - to announce that He had started His very own blog............not fiction - but real life with his muse.............

i would very much like to introduce you all to "R" and his blog - visiting my muse
i have also added his link to the list on the right - under BDSM blogs

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now in about 3 hours my day will be filled with 'brides-to-be" and 'grooms-to-be" and grand kids and a birthday luncheon and noise and laughter.......

Tomorrow bright and early Sir will be taking me for (hopefully) my last biopsy.... i am asking once again - and hopefully for the last time - that everyone who believes will clap loudly and longly ........... and that this indeed will be my last biopsy - my last treatment - for a long long time......... (hopefully never again !!)

Dramas

There was a comment left yesterday on my blog that referred to the " rough time" i have been having recently. i wonder if you all understand how much i hate dramas...... in blogs... in real life.......anywhere. i really do just like life to waddle along at a reasonable pace and have as few speed bumps as necessary.

i have a part time employee whose life is full of drama........ that in itself does not bother me.. what does bother me is when it spills over and affects me. i have two daughters and two weddings this summer.. that in itself does not bother me..... what bothers me is the drama that comes along with planning weddings - and melding two families and two separate sets of ideals (in my case 4+ families) ...... And my health....... geez whizzz.. talk about dramas....... from weird cells that need to be gone to falling over janitor's trolleys..... i can do without all the drama now thanks.. i have had more than my share !!!

And along those lines i was thinking this morning as i sat playing my backgammon game on the pc with leg elevated awkwardly on the garbage can....... that when i read blogs there seems to always be some sort of drama going on....... and i categorized the dramas..
well sort of... in my mind it makes perfect sense.. bear with me while i try to explain.......

1) the very young ones seem to have drama happening regularly - from trying to find a new Master - to finding one - to falling madly in lust with Him - to falling out of lust and desire and looking for a new Master and the merry-go-round goes round and round.

2) the little bit older ones have dramas concerning their life style.. trying to rationalize it to the blogging world.. (or is it to themselves??) always some new problem popping up to agonize over........

3) and then there are the old ones - like myself. Our lil dramas seem to be mostly health related....... weird cells included.

All of that got me to wondering if as a human race - we are not happy unless there is some drama going on......... or is it that life is just one big drama performance??? OR and probably more the case.. i just chose to see all the lil dramas and dramatize them even more? (nodding yup - probably more the last one than the others)

i am hoping not much more drama in my life ........Monday is the second biopsy.. Sir swears i am going to get the all clear.. and then (get this for good timing !!) i see my doctor over the knee in the afternoon and hopefully she will extend my leave for just one more week so the knee can heal and i can have a good rest after the biopsy.....

i want to thank everyone who took 2 minutes to leave their home origins in the last two posts.. unfortunately i didn't hear from the strange lil dots out in the ocean or the ones from Asia (at least i think it is Asia) and Spankedhortic i don't think i will be doing the map with the pins in it........ just not enough responses really (though maybe i will make an attempt - especially if i am off all next week)

For those of you who requested a story - i am working on one....... but it is getting more and more difficult each month to come up with something new and .. ummm.. titillating.

As for those of you who requested a new entry in the Photojournal i am going to upload some new ones today........

And from now on.. here's hoping this blog becomes a no drama zone !!!


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editorial note: i have posted to the Fictional blog - see link on right. This story was originally published in a local BDSM magazine here in the Great White North...... enjoy !

ughhhh

ok folks - boring as this may be...... i am asking today's reader's to refer to the blog entry below....... i had 16 respondents which is wonderful !!! BUT i still have a couple of dots on the map that appear to be out in the ocean - Pacific that is - and i have a couple of dots in Africa....... and a few in countries i don't recognise...
So come on folks - get on board!!! leave a comment telling me what country/state/province / city you are from........ This really intrigues me....... and i don't collect ISP addresses - don't know how - don't even know what they are used for....

Stop your busy day for one minute - hit the comment button and just leave me the information....... pleasssseeeeeeeee..

And for thisgirl in Scotland - i couldn't find any BDSM Zodiac pics.. and most certainly couldn't think of any of myself........ but i did find some damn interesting body painting pics that i hope you enjoy.......... check out the Photojournal - link on the right.......

And while i am talking about the links on the right..... i have added a new link to an Information Web site for kinky people........ it is based here in the Great White North (go John !!) and is everything from a dating service to an information site.. to a blog site.. take a minute after you have left your comment here and go take a peek........ You might enjoy it

As for the reward - well i will let you all know - hopefully after some others have left their point of origin.