Feeling Guilty

i slept most of Monday - and even went to bed at 8:30 p.m. and slept ....... so it shouldn't have surprised me that i woke up at 3:30 a.m. - wide eyed and bushy tailed. So i went to read blogs.. and for some reason - unknown to me - i went to Sir’s blog first.......... not expecting to find anything............ Imagine my surprise! Can you imagine my shame ?? i didn't really even know i had upset Sir....... i have been so wrapped up in my own lil world....... pity me..ouchie me.. scared me........

i have discussed before how difficult it is sometimes to be the graceful slave.... the all accepting never questioning slave. i realize today it is even more difficult - next to impossible - for me to be that graceful slave when i am all wrapped up in my own world of pain and fear.

YES i am independent ! especially when i am sick - or under the weather - or in pain. i am like a little animal i just want to find a hidey hole - climb in and not come out till it is fixed - or till i die.

AND that makes life very difficult when you are in a D/s or M/s relationship.... i am not supposed to shut myself off from Sir.. close down ... i am still supposed to be open and pliable and willing to please............. and having a subbie refuse to follow directions for her health is damn frustrating (i realize that now !!)

Somehow i have to find a way to open up more with Sir.. to accept His care and His caring as part of the relationship.......... not something to feel guilty over. Sometimes shit happens and the Master takes care of the subbie..... instead of the other way round... sometimes the subbie has to be graceful and accepting of this caring and not feel guilty about it......... not sulk and be bitchy about it........

i know i was guilty of that on the weekend.. and i know i was bitchy and i know i was sulky on the weekend........ the reasons for the moods don't matter....... what matters is i failed (miserably) in being the graceful slave.........