Blue Mondays

All in all it was a quiet weekend.. oh Sir played with me.. a spanking here.. a fucking there... a paddling thrown in for good measure.. oh yeah and some needling to keep me off balance..........so why oh why does it feel like a "blue Monday" then??

Last weekend Sir gave me a lovely long session with time for high flying....... the endophins were flowing through my blood stream taking me higher and higher.... ohhhh how glorious it was...... it had been so long i had forgotten the joys of an endophin high....

and this weekend was quiet.. and i am craving the endophin high.. i have to admit it .. i am an endophin junky :( and the craving for an endophin high is a pain that cuts to the very soul of me....

This morning before Sir left He would reach for me to spank my ass.. to twist a nipple and it made me want to cry.. i wanted to cry out "STOP" because i need so much more.. and it is not my right to need ......... a subbie's lot in life... to please and expect nothing in return.. to trust that what one really needs will be fulfilled....

Blue Mondays........ gotta hate them

As time goes by

Every so often a good questionnaire comes by.. one that makes me actually think... these are some questions (and answers) to the most recent set....

#1 I would like to know how many of us feel the same in the BDSM relationship we have now.. or has the relationship changed since the beginnning, become more vanilla??

like all relationships yes my relationship with Sir has changed over the years.. become more vanilla?? i wouldn't say the relationship has become more vanilla i would say that the vanilla world has become more involved in our relationship.. in the beginning Sir and i would only be together for BDSM purposes.. play parties, munches, sessions.... i was left to handle my vanilla world alone as He handled His vanilla world.. now W/we are together, the vanilla world is a part of who W/we are and what W/we do.

# 2 Are we still about control and sessions is it the reason we maintain the relation or have we found our mate and we reserve play for Sat nights or when we go out?

Sir and i are probably more about control and sessions than ever before... At the beginning W/we were about play parties and munches.. but now W/we seldom feel the need to go out and play (i am lucky enough to have a rather nice dungeon in the basement) and a lot in the community do not really understand the D/s that Sir and i have.. the total power exchange.. 24/7.. not just for the moment.. not just for fun.. this is not a game to Sir or i... so W/we tend to pick and chose O/our friends/companions carefully now.

#3 Has it always been the search for a kinky mate or truly for the lifestyles that letters BDSM provoke in our minds?

i know that my whole life i have searched for someone who defined this lifestyle the same way i do... as a commitment to service. i wasn't actually ever looking for just a kinky mate.. i wanted someone who would appreciate the submissive i am.. yeah yeah i know sometimes i am bratty.. sometimes very strong willed.. but i wanted someone who would appreciate owning a strong submissive.

#4 Subs do you still quiver with the idea of displeasing your Dom/Domme or displeasing your lover, is it more of a game, that you are an equal and play a different role?

Most definitely i still quiver at the thought of displeasing Sir.. a couple of weekends ago i got lippy with Sir... the tears i shed were not from the pain of the punishment as much as from the shame i felt at my behaviour ......... the pain actually helped heal my shame.

#5 do you now know how to influence your Dom/Domme to get what you want or do they squash these attempts?

i like to think i know how to influence my Sir........ but truthfully i have come to the conclusion that my Sir knows even before i ask what it is i want or need and has an answer ready... He allows me to cajole or whine for His amusement i am sure.. as the answer is pretty much a foregone conclusion.. whatever my Sir wishes.

# 6 Are we comfortable, is that the progression of all relaationships?

i believe that any and all relationships reach a "comfortable stage" and there is nothing wrong with that. The challenge is to keep the relationship exciting and challenging. Not to allow it to become stale and boring.

Bondage moans

Currently Sir and i have been discussing bondage.. actually my wimping out on bondage. i have told Him i am sure He ties the knots too tight!! Pulls the ropes way too tight!! After all if He ties me when i am standing i can't sit down. If He ties me when i am lying down i can't get up. BUT worse than that the skin at the base of my spine feels like it is going to rip open.

Sir has been finding every pic on the net He can of tight .. and i do mean TIGHT.. bondage to illlustrate the fact that my bondage is anything but tight. Ok ok i am a wimp. But bring on the whip.. or the floggers or the canes or the paddles and i am dancing an Irish jig and loving every minute of it. Time flies when one is floating in la la land. On the other hand it is very difficult to float anywhere when i can hardly breath and most definitely can not move.

Though reflecting on bondage (as i have been doing in the last few days - since i joined an egroup headed by Midori) i do adore breast bondage... they haven't been that "perky" since i was in my 20's... ummm where they even perky then???

There has to be a happy compromise between so tight one can't breath, and tight enough to enjoy no?? Wait wait !! i may have this all wrong. It isn't supposed to be about my pleasure right?? It is supposed to be about His pleasure! ok ok.. back to the whining and moaning about knots and ropes being way tooo tight...... maybe Sir likes it when i moan and whine.............. (cheeky grin)

BUT SIR !!!

Sir pointed out to me some time in the past few weeks that i have been saying "but Sir!!" every time i want my own way. ummmmmmmm (scratching head) have i really ??? Some serious soul searching has proven (once again) that Sir is correct. Soooooo i made myself a promise... i would try VERY hard to refrain from my "but Sirs".

It didn't prove that easy to do..... Like any good D/s relationship i have rules to live by.. one of them being a written journal must be sent to Sir each and every morning by 7:30 am at the latest. Monday to Friday is easy as i am up and at 'em bright and early during the week. BUT SIR !!! it isn't fair on the weekends to expect a journal by 7:30 am.. especially since You are here with me. Welllllllllllll i have been pushing that rule.. pushing it hard actually. Saturday morning i slept in..... wellllllllllll W/we had had a long hard session on Friday evening.... lasting well past my bedtime... and i was pooped.... i only woke up at 7:30
Saturday morning... so yeah my journal was late by 42 minutes. Consequence = 2 wacks with the punishment stick for each minute late... totalling 84!!!!! BUT SIR !!! it isn't fair !!!

But i assumed the position and counted off the 84 HARD whacks with the punishment stick. At first i whined and pouted.. then i stamped my foot a little bit.. then i wept but i didn't miss a count.... 84!!! AND i didn't say "BUT SIR!!!" out loud that is.... i think i should get a gold star for that .... i didn't .. but hey i thought i should have.

i read in another blog somewhere that the submissive believed that she should get a "get of jail free card" ummmmmmm now there's an idea!!! Pull it out.. plunk it down and skate past some infraction of the rules........

Only thing is i learned a vital lesson this past year while i have been coping with a not so serious but serious enough illness. i needed some stability in my life. And the rules and Sir's consequences were the stability i needed. Everything else in my life might be topsy turvy.. BUT the rules kept me focused and grounded.

Soooooooooo a get out of jail free card.. OR my "BUT SIRS" are just subbie grumblings....... i really am quite happy having my Sir push my limits... and enforce the rules.. and keep me on the straight and narrow...........

Normal??

my life returned to normal this week.. after 3 months at home.. i returned to work...
It was an emotional time for me.... finding my way back... finding where i now belong... everyone took up the slack while i was away... some (i think) are not eager to give back the reigns of command.... others are more than happy to give back and give back more... i have to stand my ground.. take back what is mine.. negotiate the extras.. and not break anyone's spirit.....

Working does have its advantages though.. besides having full salary again i mean.... it makes the weekends really special... Fridays were always my day to speculate what would happen over the weekend.. excited butterflies would start to gather in the pit of my stomach Friday morning... and build until Sir walked through the door. While i have been off it hasn't been the same.. slowly somewhere things changed.. i lost the butterflies... and i realize now i miss them!

Will Sir be ready to push the limits again??? i feel He has been easy on me over these 3 months.. nursing His subbie ... being kind and caring and loving.. but will He see it is time to move ahead again???

Friday morning musings......... are things normal again???

The Devil made me do it...

The devil made me do it.. at least that is what i suspect. i would never talk to my Sir like that.. in fact as the words were coming out of my mouth i thought "what am i doing/saying??" Yet there they were.. the words.. hanging in the air. The look on my Sir's face broke my heart..... The swift punishment that followed was hard fast and cruel.. The tears.... they really weren't for the pain i was feeling on my ass.. but more the pain i felt in my heart for having talked back.. been cheeky. My Sir does not deserve that kind of treatment!!!

Fortunately for me .. my Sir is a strict Sir but also a very forgiving loving Sir... and after the punishments it was back to life as usual........ i learned my lesson !!! W/we did move on to some fun play times... and i am pleased to report that despite my doubts .. i did take 17 clothes pegs this weekend !!!! As well as receiving a needle session (which can be viewed on Sir's blog site) He took some amazing pictures of the pattern He created on His "canvas".... :) Though i must admit i am beginning to crave a whipping / flogging session... BUT my Sir was right in His feeling that neither of U/us were in the mind set for a full blown in the playroom on the cross flogging session.....

It has been a long 3 months of medical leave from work........... i go back to work today... and maybe some normalcy will return to O/our lives once my daily routine is back..... never mind the fact that my budget will welcome a return to full salary :)

Yeah i do believe the devil made me do it over the weekend :)

Road Trip

i have been off work for 3 months now.. on a medical leave. All that time Sir has been promising to take me on a "road trip" to the States for a shopping spree. i honestly didn't think His schedule was gonna accomodate such a trip. BUT Wednesday evening i got the call .. "be ready to go tomorrow morning!!!"

Oh what a glorious day W/we had.... shopping. Yeah shopping. i have never before and maybe never will again.. be with a male who loves to shop!! Actually the funny thing is .. i am not all that crazy about shopping.. get in get out.. that's my motto when it comes to shopping. Unless of course one is going to a brand new area .. with brand new shops.... oh the treasures one might find !!!

It was a rather vanilla day.. in and out of shops.. looking buying.. but my Sir did manage to find a "bondage bear key ring" for me!! That's right .. a tiny little teddy bear complete with gag and bondage gear as a key ring! (big grin) it is soooo cute...

On the way home .. i kept yawning in the car.. Sir thought i must be bored.. so He ordered me to play with myself. i laughed and giggled and figured He was just teasing me.. but ohhhhhhhh no.. He wasn't teasing.. (blushing madly) .. so the pants were unzipped and pulled open.. down my hand went to play .. while we zoomed past cars and trucks...... i am sure some of the truckers got an eye full.... oh welllllllll maybe it brightened up their boring road trip .. like it brightened up mine :) :)

Pain or pleasure

i wonder sometimes why it is that what is pleasure to one is pain to another. Are we - the pain sluts - somehow wired differently??? This weekend Sir wanted to re-enact a picture He had seen on the net. 14 clamps - in this case clothes pegs - placed on those oh so sensitive private parts. It was amazing.. a sweet combination of burning pain and exquiste pleasure.

Sir as is His habit took pictures.. i had uploaded them here then removed them .. too shy i thought to see His handiwork so publically displayed........ Then something made me go and check His blog..... and lo and behold Sir had posted one picture of the weekend session!!!! i am pleased to think Sir is proud enough of me to write about the session and to post the picture.. it is a lesson in humility and a lesson in "all that i am belongs to Him"... to share or keep private.

Pain or pleasure .. or a sweet combination of both?? Most definitely a sense of pride that i please my Sir.

(btw.. if you wish to view the pic Sir's blog is listed in the "link" section)

life's learnings

Never ever say "I am too old to learn something new"... i just struggled for two days now to add a "link" section to my blog. i know i know for some of you.. editing html is as easy as pie... for me it took some doing.. i was so afraid i would "break something". Oh and i did.."break something.. many times.. so i just started over (once i figured out HOW to start over.)

Life's like that .. don't you think?? Just when you think everything is running smoothly and is just the way you like it.. something comes along and pulls the rug out from underneath ya. Now the big question is .. do you stay flat on your ass on the ground .. or do you pick yourself up and get cracking again??

Certainly my life has been like that... i was going along for 35+ years quite nicely in one direction.. then boom flat on my ass... picked myself up and got going again in another completely different direction .. only to find myself back down on my ass again a few years later.... Life's just like that... and i am grateful in a strange funny way for all those bumps in the road... i have learned a whole lot more this way .. than if i had stayed on the original road.. in fact i wouldn't be where i am now if i had !!! And between you and me .. i am very happy where i am now.. learning and experiencing and living!

Yeah.. life's just like that sometimes...

bits and pieces

Well baby daughter became engaged over the weekend.. and i swallowed my gut feelings over the whole thing and smiled and tried to be happy for them.... it is very difficult to feel happy when one questions the reasonings behind this engagement........ in my mind this was most definitely NOT a match made in heaven. BUT what good would it do to forbid ?? She is, after all, of age ...... better to stand by her, support her and hope for the best.

The whole weekend left me feeling drained and tired. Sir let me snuggle at His feet for what was left of Sunday.... But then yesterday we were both in shock .. disappointed.. and very annoyed. We had a mailing list for the BDSM community here in the Great White North... and it just disappeared.. no warning .. no communication nothing.. just gone!!! My job had been to make sure it followed all the criteria set out by the host...... (leaving the host nameless to avoid any problems) it was a private mailing list .. by invitation only... everyone had an age in their profile.. there were regular posts... and still POOF it disappeared. i struggle with the idea that what we do....... what i LOVE .. is to some an aberration. Our lifestyle is so much more honest in a lot of ways than vanilla's... nothing is done with out consent.. GOOD communication is a necessity... it is most definitely a partnership.. Dom and sub.. working together to create something special for them.... we don't hurt anyone........ we don't lie or steal or cheat. And people shun us.. because we are different. i keep remembering my grandmother quoting " ye who is without sin caste the first stone".....

Oh wellllllll like the nomads of the desert .. we have been forced to pack up and move on again.. we WILL find another home on the net!

and so the journey continues.. with some speed bumps in the road........

too busy

Saturday was a day full of shopping / baking/cooking preparations for youngest daughter's birthday party on Sunday and a trip to the local Medieval Fair.

The fair was amazing - the first i had ever been to. It was full of vendor's stalls selling everything from clothing and chain mail to leather boots to shields and swords. Unfortunately though, the article Sir was looking for, was no where to be found. He had so hoped there would be a blacksmith displaying his wares. Sir would very much like to purchase a pair of shackles, and perhaps some stocks. i am not sure if i felt relief or disappointment that no such articles were found. Sir did however purchase for me a new collar........ made from chain mail... that fits snuggly around my neck and can be worn all the time and is so much less vanilla looking than the plain silver chain i have been wearing. The new collar feels heavy around my neck and is such a nice reminder of who and what i am!!

By the time we got home and dinner was on the table both Sir and i were pooped and spent a nice quiet evening curled up watching TV... me in my usual position curled up on a pillow at his feet. By the time Sir took me upstairs to bed, His energy levels had returned.. so the nasty purple flogger was brought out, and i was ordered to "assume the position" on the bed. In no time at all i was wiggling and pleading for a moment to catch my breath... it all seemed so fast and so hard. Sir - being the loving caring Sir He is - agreed to give my ass a break and had me roll over and spread my legs so that my pussy might receive the kiss of the flogger. ughhhhhhhhh be careful of what you wish for....

This morning my ass is speckled with red marks .. the kiss of the purple flogger......