Friday, September 16, 2016

Mono-poly (edited for some clarity)

I read a piece yesterday on FL entitled "Change your Cookbook: A monogamuggle's guide to cookin' with polyfolk".  And it just kinda smacked me upside the head.

When I started this "Continued Journey" I had no idea where it would take me -- where I would land up.  I did have this idea in my head of poly -- and how it would allow me to have my cake and eat it too...... you know -- have my own space -- some freedom -- AND companionship.  It took a while -- some false starts for sure.  I had a picture in my head how it should look.... and I wasn't having any luck in finding my picture perfect match.

Well that is until Hands and his wife came along.

And the relationship started to take on "picture perfect" proportions.  As time has gone on --  I have come to realize (thanks to Hands and his wife) that they see this as a whole picture not just the good times - but the rough times too --  I have come to realize I honestly don't want or need anyone else in my life. 

And there was my problem.  How could I be poly if I just wanted to be monogamous with Hands and his wife?  Monogamous relationships have a schedule of sorts ya know?? You meet -- you date - you spend loads of time together -- you move in together -- and you plan "happily ever after"

Maybe it's because I have had 3 relationships that were supposed to be "happily ever after"........ pffft !  didn't happen did it??!!  

Now I am not looking for fairy tale endings.  I am looking for a happy fairy tale story in the here and now.  Now I cherish each day we have together.  

The small things are important to me -- chats with Hands -- our private time -- our group times.  Feeling accepted and welcomed into their relationship.  

The future?? shrug - who knows what any future holds -- even if you are monogamous -- endings happen.  I don't want to look or even think about endings -- I want to live today -- in the here and now.  It's good now -- sharing is good -- I'm happy and contented. 

I am not less poly because I have decided to settle down with one partner who is poly.  It just means I am mono in a poly relationship.  Hands has to keep all the plates spinning - so to speak.  Me ?? I just get to give him all my attention -- make just him happy ..... and be available/be present when we are together....... we being Hands and I -- his wife and I - or all 3 of us.
And one last quick thought on this -- I think - KNOW - I am extremely lucky to have a close relationship with his wife -- not many poly relationships have the 'others' get along as well -- become as close as we have. 

So I have a new label -- mono-poly -- I know I am not some odd ball -- and I know that loving and living for this moment is the best way to find a low stress happy life.

And that is a very good thing!  


Lea said...

I am so happy that it is working out for you. Don't worry about not being poly enough, or monogamous enough... monogamish? Whatever. People put too many labels on things and try to pin everyone into neat little boxes. Life is messy, some of us are square pegs in round holes.

I am happy that you three are making it work, giving space and respect to all, with a minimum of jealousy.

keth said...

This is wonderful to see, wonderful to see you growing! But one thought for you.

I have noticed that you always refer to her as 'his wife' in your writings. This may be a side effect of the necessity to protect the privacy of Hands and his wife, but it comes across to me like you don't value her for her, but value her purely for who she is to Hands, and what she gives Hands. And I do think that perhaps the next step, if you're not already doing this, is to begin that valuation. I don't necessarily mean turning it sexual - i have no idea if that's the relationship between you and her and that's none of my business - but I think if its going to last, this mono-in-a-poly-relationship, then she has to be more to you, than just his wife. To be a friend! And as I said, I know you may already be doing this, and that it just appears that you aren't purely because of the way that she's labelled in your writings. I don't know - all we know, all we ever know of anyone;s life is what they choose to share. So if I am wrong, I apologise - to all three of you. But if I am right, then perhaps one way forward is to give her her own nom de plume - that recognises her here as a person in her own right, rather than just as Hand's appendage. :)


morningstar said...

keth -- I have to be honest "his wife" is just my way of referring to her on the blog - to protect both their identities..... BUT having said that - it does bug me every time I write it -- and I have thought frequently of finding a new alias for her... we are friends have been for 3 years or more -- I agree I think she deserves more of a status than just an appendage (grinning) I will work on that this weekend!!

keth said...

I thought that might be the case - just your way of referring to her that is - and I'm glad to hear it! I hadn't realised you've been friends for three years or more. I must have missed that bit in an earlier blog! :) I look forward to reading this!

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