We haven't played very often since I arrived here in Kingston with W.......for a whole lot of reasons - all of them valid. But that doesn't change the fact that - for me - it is difficult to stay in a submissive mind set without some reinforcements??? without some validation?? without some attention??? See how I struggle for the right word to describe what it is I need??
It's sad really. I always thought I knew what I needed and wanted. Now - with long periods between play time - when we do play - my mind goes in all these weird directions...... from not wanting it (no thank you very much - that just hurts!!)..... to feeling like the luckiest woman alive because W IS playing with me and I so don't deserve it......... to feeling like - for some reason - I have pissed W off enough he is punishing me.... to (and this has to be my favourite) I convince myself W is playing with me because I have bugged / begged him so much/often he is doing it just to shut me up.
All that to say - we tried a couple of times last week to play - but the moon and stars weren't aligned just right. You'd think with us both being retired - and living together - it would be easy to find an hour or so............but sadly it's not.
I thought we were set for Saturday afternoon - but then a friend called and made arrangements to come for coffee Saturday afternoon - my mind sighed.. "so much for that play time"..................
But W told me early Saturday morning to pull out the toys I wanted. Mind fuck!! toys I want??!!! I stood looking at the toys in the box for hours (ok so it was probably only a couple of minutes but it felt like hours) then I slammed the box closed and lugged it down the stairs - almost in tears - and declared I couldn't select the toys - there would be no surprise - no nothing... it was W's job to at least decide what he wanted to use no????
And so he had me kneel in the living room - naked - and started using the toys he wanted - I have no real memory of what it was he used (like anyone really cares anyway) but I do know the tears came - it felt - in my addled brain - like a punishment and I completely convinced myself I deserved it and at one point when W stroked my back and ass - I started to cry - to feel his tender touch - when my brain was in punishment mode - just fucked with my head space even more.
At one point W disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back with the beautiful kangaroo leather whip I gave him when he collared me. It's heavy - really heavy - and when the tip bites - it bites!! He tried shortly after the collaring... outside....through my jeans!! and it left a welt !!!.............. trust me when I say - on Saturday when I felt the first bite of the new whip - my stomach flip flopped.
And then it was over - and W pushed me aside firmly and sat in front of me and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close - snotty nose, tear stained face and all. My heart slowed down - I mumbled through more tears and snot "were you angry with me?? was it a punishment?" (cause the brain still wasn't catching up) and W answered simply "nope" and held me tighter.
The world started to spin on its axis again - and I felt I had found my place here with him again ...............
And for those interested here's a couple of pics of the welts / stripes from the new whip.