Monday, October 07, 2013

Ouch

We haven't played very often since I arrived here in Kingston with W.......for a whole lot of reasons - all of them valid.  But that doesn't change the fact that - for me - it is difficult to stay in a submissive mind set without some reinforcements??? without some validation?? without some attention??? See how I struggle for the right word to describe what it is I need??  

It's sad really.  I always thought I knew what I needed and wanted.  Now - with long periods between play time - when we do play - my mind goes in all these weird directions...... from not wanting it (no thank you very much - that just hurts!!)..... to feeling like the luckiest woman alive because W IS playing with me and I so don't deserve it......... to feeling like - for some reason - I have pissed W off enough he is punishing me.... to (and this has to be my favourite) I convince myself W is playing with me because I have bugged / begged him so much/often he is doing it just to shut me up.

All that to say - we tried a couple of times last week to play - but the moon and stars weren't aligned just right.  You'd think with us both being retired - and living together - it would be easy to find an hour or so............but sadly it's not.

I thought we were set for Saturday afternoon - but then a friend called and made arrangements to come for coffee Saturday afternoon -  my mind sighed.. "so much for that play time".................. 

But W told me early Saturday morning to pull out the toys I wanted.  Mind fuck!!  toys I want??!!!  I stood looking at the toys in the box for hours (ok so it was probably only a couple of minutes but it felt like hours) then I slammed the box closed and lugged it down the stairs - almost in tears - and declared I couldn't select the toys - there would be no surprise - no nothing... it was W's job to at least decide what he wanted to use no???? 

And so he had me kneel in the living room - naked - and started using the toys he wanted - I have no real memory of what it was he used (like anyone really cares anyway) but I do know the tears came - it felt - in my addled brain - like a  punishment and I completely convinced myself I deserved it   and at one point when W stroked my back and ass - I started to cry - to feel his tender touch - when my brain was in punishment mode - just fucked with my head space even more.

At one point W disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back with the beautiful kangaroo leather whip I gave him when he collared me.  It's heavy - really heavy - and when the tip bites - it bites!!  He tried shortly after the collaring... outside....through my jeans!!  and it left a welt !!!.............. trust me when I say - on Saturday when I felt the first bite of the new whip - my stomach flip flopped.

And then it was over - and W pushed me aside firmly and sat in front of me and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close - snotty nose, tear stained face and all.  My heart slowed down - I mumbled through more tears and snot "were you angry with me?? was it a punishment?"  (cause the brain still wasn't catching up) and W answered simply "nope" and held me tighter.

The world started to spin on its axis again - and I felt I had found my place here with him again ............... 


And for those interested here's a couple of pics of the welts / stripes from the new whip.









     

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

nice marks
SirMike

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you a secret most people who have never lived with their Dom/Master don't realise: if you're not careful, you can wind up doing less BDSM than if you maintained separate homes. There's always the idea that "ooh you live together, you lucky thing!"... it doesn't work like that.

When you live together you know you have time, plenty of time, to do BDSM stuff. When you live apart, you set aside time, date night or whatever, so unless something is *seriously* wrong (e.g. you're ill or something) you tend to suck up stuff and deal, cos you know you won't get date night again until next week/month (or whatever) and damnit, you need this now. When you live together you have no such motives driving you and - as you've found - its all too easy to allow distractions to get in the way. Whether that's external - people visiting and stuff - or internal, such as what's going on in your head... It can be too easy to push it aside in favour of something that needs doing. You have to get back to the mindset you had when you lived separately - perhaps instituting date night or doing something on a regular basis.. you get the idea.

good luck with sorting it out - and those are some lovely marks!

xxx