Wednesday, March 31, 2010
On being alone........
Slowly over the last few days it has occurred to me that i like being alone.
In the beginning of this new journey i was petrified of the long hours alone... what would i do???? And i worked late, later, latest to fill the evenings ... on the weekends i visited the kids - dragged eldest grandson out shopping for the day (ok ok so he had a blast and it wasn't any hardship for him to go shopping with granny!!) i cleaned - i did laundry - i rearranged stuff.. moved stuff.. hyperactive busy-ness.
The one thing i didn't do......... that i admit i have done in the past .. at the end of a relationship....... i did NOT go running to the fetlifes and kink.coms of the internet....... to munches and play parties.. and announce my "single-ness" . i did not post ads upon ads that i was looking for a play partner or a Master or anything for that matter. It wasn't because i didn't think of doing it.. cause i did........ but i realized i didn't want to.. i didn't want someone else in my life.... not now.. not yet.
i realized - unconsciously i guess - that i needed to find myself again. To (as i said the other day ) stand up straight and tall again. And i think i needed to enjoy my own company.
And i have arrived .. i do indeed enjoy my own company! What a massive break through for the lil girl who went from her father's house to her husband's house to her Mistress's house to her own place with others always around.
Now i just enjoy the fruits of my hard labour..... my lil home... and myself.
i realized i can wake in the middle of the night (yes yes i am still doing that - sigh) and wander around the house, put on lights, play on the pc... and have no one except myself to answer to. i can eat what i want when i want it.. like breakfast for supper and dinner at noon...
And when i want - i can reach out and there are friends there quite willing to chat or go out for a drink. In this big bad world i really am not alone... if i don't want to be.
i am feeling a whole lot less "angst" and pain and sadness from this uncollaring. i am slowly untangling the big ball of emotions and hurt and looking long and hard at the result.
OH ....... and remember that horrendous dream i had the other day?? where i couldn't wake up.. and was terrified ??? i figured it out.. at least i think i have...
you see i dreamed that someone was burning down my lil home...... my lil home that was my dream - no IS - my dream. i think the whole thing was tied to the pain i had over my other 'dream' - of being a collared submissive - of growing old with W .......... once i sorted it out.. the dream has not come back. AND i think, as i have come to realize that i am happy in my singleness, in my alone-ness i see that the dream has not been destroyed........only changed.
i am here to say........... being alone is a very good thing!! It is allowing me time to heal the wounds and find myself..... to know who i am and what i really want and need.
Yes being alone is a very good thing !!
oh and if you hadn't noticed - i have changed the title of the blog again........i rather like this choice - it clearly explains what part of this journey i am on.....i am discovering - like everything else in this life - it is not engraved in stone and i can change it and rearrange it - ad nauseum!