Darkness

It may seem strange to some of you that my second Christmas posting would be titled "Darkness"

And yet to me - it seems the best time to talk about a time in my life where there was no lightness - no joy - and for a time almost no tomorrow.

I guess when I think about my life - in general - I have to say the darkness started at a very young age. I had terrible horrible nightmares - so much so that my parents took me to a doctor who put me on anti-depressants. You have to realize that I am not talking about teenage years or puberty - I was four years old when I was first started on the drugs. And was on and off them for many years when I lived at home.

There were good reasons (I guess) for the night terrors and the drugs.... and I blame no one for treating with drugs .. rather than a counselor - it was what it was.

When I was older - on my own - married - having children - through that part of my life I believe now I suffered from manic depression. I would have wildly exciting up beat days - where the energy flowed and I was almost a whirling dervish in my activity and accomplishments. BUT they were always followed by days - sometimes weeks of darkness when I could barely bring myself to leave my bed.

And I had - on my own - come to the conclusion being medicated on and off.. to control the ups and downs of my life was not the answer - much to my parents chagrin.

The big turning point in my life came when my father died. The man who had controlled my life since the day I was born was gone... and I had no idea.. not one ... how I was going to function without him in my life daily.

I pulled into myself... my world got smaller and smaller till I could barely drive down the street to the grocery store. Fortunately for me a part of my brain was hanging on to sanity by a thin thread. And that part of my brain made me pick up the phone one day and call for help.

And help came.

In the form of a wonderful man who spent days and weeks .. months and finally years helping me face my life... I fought not to lose the up days.. I didn't want to lose them.. they were wonderful days.. days when I felt .. no KNEW.. I could conquer anything. If the trade off were days where I could barely function - I didn't care .. I didn't want to lose the highs.

It took a long time for me to realize that not everyone lived with these extreme highs and extreme lows. It also took me a long while to realize that drugs - of any kind - even aspirin had to be abolished. I had to learn to live life like everyone else.,..without an artificial crutch.

When I say it took years - I am not exaggerating.. 3 years if memory serves me right - where I struggled with myself - fought with myself - placed blame everywhere but where it should be placed.

I grew up a lifetime in those 3 years.,.. I learned only I was responsible for what I felt ..... no one could make me happy and no one could make me sad. It was my choice and my doing.

And gradually .. slowly but surely.. I started to heal.. I started to live and feel life like the average person.


That is not to say I don't still have blue days.. I do.. hell who doesn't??!! I won't say I don't still have massive doubts that I can do my job, or live on my own, or anything else that an adult would do..... But I fight on.. one day at a time.. and always believing (or trying to ) that tomorrow will be better

Some of you may question my submissive needs.. my masochist needs ... and wonder if they aren't tied into my emotional make up..,... I'll do that debate with you all another day........

I just felt that for today - I had to step forward and say "I have been in the darkest of dark places. And I have fought to come back. And it is well worth the fight!!"

December 1st

H O P E

Today was "doctor day" ...... I was a basket case - which is putting it mildly. Fortunately Warren came and literally and figuratively held my hand. The surgeon was young....... my god he didn't look old enough to be out of high school.... and for the life of me I can't pronounce his name. So he is just "Dr. Gerry Poly"

Everything went along fine till he said 'no surgery til the new year - January or February' Then the dam broke. I could barely get the words out "how am I supposed to stay on this fasting diet till THEN???!!" and I thought how can I live with the fear this damn thing is going to rupture???!!!

He tried to be reassuring - telling me to eat what I wanted - just no greasy fatty foods. But I was still scared. He went out and came back - saying he had seen my blood tests that were done 6 weeks ago and they showed no liver involvement.. in fact they looked pretty good. (Different story than what I got at the clinic - where they made me feel I should be operated on immediately)

Then to be really on the safe side he sent me off for an ultra sound. I figured they would send me away - with an appointment but nope .. they had me sit and drink water and within 30 minutes they had called me to have it done.

The doctor that came in to read the results was even more reassuring. She told me my kidneys, liver, spleen and pancreas looked excellent !! No stones in the bile ducts. BUT yes my gall bladder was definitely filled with stones and was - in her words - a chronic problem. BUT not acute. She patted my hand and told me to have the surgery in January or February and enjoy my holidays. I brought up the diet and she poohed poohed it... telling me to eat red meat.. eat anything I wanted - in moderation - just no greasy foods.

I left the hospital feeling so much more confident.. relieved.. even a little excited. I had a hamburger for lunch - with ONIONS - and didn't even have a twinge. The worry has lessened.... and Christmas is once again an exciting event to plan for.

Warren took me shopping for Christmas presents and miscellaneous "stuff" I just have to have for the holidays....... He even bought me the most gorgeous......... biggest...... poinsettia I have ever seen !!!! As well as a Tim Horton's Christmas mug for being such a "good girl" at the hospital !!

So.......... In the spirit of Hope and all things Christmas I have changed the look of the blog a wee bit ........ and am hoping to post (as in past years) one post every day through the month of December.

DUNCE

It is no secret I have an account on FetLife - who doesn't these days. It is no secret I rarely if ever enter into any discussions there. It is no secret that I use Fetlife mostly to find out what events are happening when and to politely rsvp.

My profile on Fetlife now reads:

"For those of you interested.. I am "disappearing" for a little while from the lifestyle - until my health issues are resolved.

Play fair.. play nice.."

seems fairly straight forward to me .. isn't it??

Well........... today I received an email from some dom (and I use the term loosely) that said "are you owned" Nothing else .. no howdy do.. pleased to meet you.. kiss my ass.. just "are you owned".

Being the cheeky sub that I am.. with little or no patience for "players" I answered back "No are you?"

Would you believe I got an answer back almost immediately that went on and on ad nauseum about how he was looking for the "right one" the one who would worship and adore him (that last bit were my words)

Now in my humble cheeky sub opinion - IF he was really dom - my answer should have angered him slightly... should have gotten some sort of rise out of him.. not some pleading spineless answer that I received. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! I can not tolerate fools.

So I wrote back and suggested that he do two things before he sends out mass mailings to anything claiming to be submissive : 1) check where they live (as he is in Texas and ...... well we all know I am in the Great White North) and 2) that he read profiles.

Truthfully I couldn't have been more blunt and to the point........ verging on being rude to be honest.

This 'dominant' from Texas earns my "dunce cap" award.

On being an Expert

Thursday and Friday were "convention" days here in the Great White North. Teacher's convention that is.

I used to love convention.......not so much recently. We get to sit and listen to "experts" talk to us about any number of subjects. Mostly our union brings in inspirational speakers - with the hope we will get all inspired and leave feeling we can conquer the world !!

Friday wasn't much different. The expert they brought in was some judge from Canadian Idol. wow I was feeling impressed and inspired right from the start. (said tongue in cheek - in case you don't realize it)

The one thing he said - through the entire 1+ hour he talked .. was that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert on anything. 10,000 hours !!! Wow I was speechless. 10,000 hours !!!

I did some math (I hate math!! but it comes in helpful from time to time when I am debating an issue in my head)

10,000 hours equals 417 days. 417 days equals 1.42 years. Not so many. ahh but then one doesn't work on something for 24 hours a day....... so back to the math board. Let's say you work on something for 8 hours a day. That would equal 1250 days or 3.42 years.

So to be an "expert" with a flogger or a whip or knives or electrical units you must be "practicing" for 8 hours a day for 3.42 years. BUT if we are talking about BDSM it isn't very likely - what with all the other aspects of life that are involved in our lives that one could call themselves an expert after only 3.42 years.

And then I decided to define who/what is an expert in my mind. And I looked up how many years it takes to earn a PHD ....... know how many ? on average??? 8 years according to google (and if you can believe google) My sister in law will earn her PHD in 5+ years ...

I am not entirely sure what I have proven - or not proven for that matter - with this small math lesson. I originally thought it would give me support for my belief that there are way too many "experts" sprouting up in the BDSM lifestyle. Perhaps there really are so many "experts" .... if they spend 10,000 hours practicing their specific kink.

So perhaps I will eat crow.....

OR

perhaps I will continue to be a little skeptical of all the "experts" that show up and disappear just as quickly, cause I never much liked math. Prefer my gut reaction ..... my instincts.

On Dieting

For most of my adult life I have battled against weight.. that is not to say I was ever very small - not even as a child. And I have had numerous great successes with losing weight....... like the year my brother got married. I lost so much weight that my own mother didn't recognize me at the church !!

BUT
the weight always seemed to magically slip back on.

Last March during the emotional period I started to lose weight again - not planned - just nerves - but the weight started to come off - again. I decided to keep up losing - again. The difference was I wasn't in a hurry - and I never climbed on a scale. I did measure myself about once a month and watched the inches start to disappear. I kept myself busy and even exercised (with my new Wii)

Then September came and trying to fit exercising into my working schedule got to be next to impossible. Eventually the measuring tape stopped showing inches lost. Mind you it didn't show inches gained so I saw this 'plateau' as a success. I realized if I just kept at it eventually the inches would start to melt again.

Then at the end of October I got this gall bladder thing. Everything I ate made me nauseous.. or hurt. So I started eating differently. Because I had been through this once before I remembered bits and pieces of the "gall bladder" diet. If I didn't eat any spices, any fatty foods, any rich foods I would be able to cope. Then I saw my doctor and complained about the continual ache in my side. She set down the diet on paper. What I could eat. Cause the 'what I couldn't eat' was too long.

Now I have one piece of dry toast in the morning, with a tablespoon of jam. and yes I have one cup of coffee (even though it is FORBIDDEN but I cannot survive my day without one cup !!) For lunch I have a small bowl of chicken noodle - or chicken rice soup and water. For dinner I have a small chicken breast - no skin - no seasonings - broiled with a small bit of plain rice. As a treat I have one plain rice cake and a small tin of peaches.

That's it .. day in .. day out. For five weeks now.

Only sometimes I cheat...... Last weekend I had half a green salad - with oil dressing and felt like crap for two days. Or yesterday noon I craved Kraft dinner (a comfort food from my childhood) so I made some and had a small - small - serving and by dinner time felt like crap.

I have gone through periods of terrible cravings. I want barbecue ribs, Indian food, Chinese food, Thai food, hamburgers and french fries, sweets and more sweets and even MORE sweets.

Everyone is noticing how much weight I have lost. Most think I am dieting by choice and pat me on the back. My doctor has warned me that when I am fit and fine again - I have to be careful about starting back on normal food - as I will gain quickly.

Last night as I lay quietly on the sofa wishing I could feel like me again..... I was thinking about this diet and all the diets I have ever been on. And I realized something. Dieting after this should be easy. I can add spices and have red meat and the occasional sweet, and even Chinese and Thai and Indian food. In moderation. IF I can do this gall bladder diet for 5+ weeks I can do ANY diet.

And I was thinking how important food is to our "social" lives. We meet people for dinner at restaurants, we have people over for dinner. I was trying to think what Warren and I might do this weekend - and it all seemed to involve meal time and food. And truthfully I can't face cooking a normal meal for someone and a bland (should be tossed in the garbage) meal for myself. We talked about going to a movie and I thought I can't even have a handful of popcorn !!

I realized food has become too important a part of my life. I need to find other ways of socializing with people that doesn't involve copious amounts of food and perhaps even liquor.

I have a feeling that keeping this weight off.. and even losing more will be a whole lot easier now .......... now that I know my new diet can include seasonings and margarine and dairy (oh god do you have any idea how much I miss CHEESE!!??)

(and in case anyone is interested - I have dropped 2 jean sizes since last March. 2!!! oh yeah and at least that much in bra size - now that can be a bummer - though youngest daughter who is the expert on looking like you have a whole lot more than you really do - has promised to take me shopping for some "lifts")