Building and building.....

I am sure you are all a little tired of hearing about Sir Steve's ex's and their petty vindictiveness ......... but this is my safe place to spew out my hurt ... my confusion.... and my anger.

The latest chapter in butt hurt  attempts at public humiliation happened this weekend.

The lil one's birthday is next Sunday.  (remember the mother has visitation on weekends).  Sir Steve and I talked about this birthday -- and I said that seeing as she will get gifts from everyone (gifts upon gifts) that I would like to give her a kid's party as my gift.

We talked to the lil one and she was very excited and asked if she could have a "Unicorn Party" ....... absolutely!  So I started to plan a Unicorn party for her and 4 of her lil friends -- at the trailer next Saturday.  Sir Steve and I decided to have it on a Saturday so the ex's could have her on her actual birthday and not get too bent out of shape.

Well !!!  Mother threw a hissy fit when she was told that it was for kids only and no she wasn't invited.  After all she had her on the actual day!  The Grandfather came storming over to have it explained to him that they (the grandparents and mother were not invited to the kids party) The grandmother took it to facebook accusing us of assuming they had plans for the child's birthday when they didn't and were now not allowing them to join US for her party.

W T F 

First -- how can you not plan some sort of celebration for your -- Y O U R - child's 5th birthday??!!

Second -- after being hurtful and vindictive towards us all summer and spreading gossip about us -- and doing everything in your power to poison the child against us -- WHY would they think they would be invited??!  This takes crazy to a special level in my books.

I am not equipped to deal with this level of 'crazy'

 

Getting Real

We came back to the city Saturday night after a wonderful visit/day with Angelsquest.  It was so good to see her again !!  felt like old times -- only happier.

I was jumpy -- skin electrified -- knowing a beating was going to happen -- wanting it NOW - knowing not to ask - on edge waiting for the moment............ 

Suddenly with no warning Sir Steve took both my hands and led me into the bedroom.  I was a little jittery 'cause he's never been so 'formal' (for lack of a better word) and he had me stand stock still while he stripped me naked.  I felt shy... and vulnerable and he laughed and said "I have seen you naked hundreds of times before" ..... but he had never stripped me before -- never watched so intently as each piece of clothing came off before!

And then he told me to lie on the bed....... and he started playfully hitting my breasts and belly with a paddle.  The mood changed.  He walked away from me and put on his cover (leather cap)...... my heart pounded.  This was the Sadist I played with 10 years ago.  This was the Sadist who had strict rules and no mercy.  The play continued briefly until he said "You are watching me" and he stopped and pulled out a make shift blind fold and tied it over my eyes.  

Now with my world plunged into darkness the strike of the flogger or the cut of the knife became so much more intensified.  Behind the blindfold - in my mind's eye - I could see him with his cover pulled down almost covering his eyes -- imagine the intensity of those eyes as he selected the next toy -- as he watched it hit my body and my body's reaction.  The relentless hit hit hit of the flogger across my breasts, down my body, hitting my pussy hard and fast till I was arching off the bed.  

He used the crops as canes and raised welts -- hitting the side of my hip till I rolled over (assuming that is what he wanted) -- felt the crop's stinging bite as it raised red welts across my ass.

And finally -- much later -- felt his hands stroking my back -- bringing me back to the bedroom and his bed...... his hands gently removing the blindfold... seeing his cover resting on his knee... seeing the half smile he gets when he has enjoyed himself -- when he sees the blurry dopey look on my face.... feeling his hands gently touching/tracing the bruising on my hips... hearing him say "you'll have some nice marks there tomorrow"

and I whispered 'I want you to fuck me' and he said "tomorrow" and pulled me tight into his body and I slept.

Sunday Sentiments

Despite it All.........

I know a lot of my entries this summer have been stories of conflict and anger and hurt.

But my life isn't that at all really.  My life is full of love. No one ever promised it was gonna be easy.  What's that song?? "I didn't promise you a rose garden"??? Sir Steve's first concern for me - way back in February/March was that his ex's were gonna make my life miserable -- gonna drive me away.  

(shaking head)

I waited too long for Sir Steve -- for this love we have.  There is nothing that will drive me away!

Together we can get through anything -- strong........... united....... in love.  And if anyone thinks they can drive a wedge between us -- they will see it only brings us closer.

Life is good when your love is strong.

 

 

Cluster Fuck

Yesterday was a 'cluster fuck'.  It's strange I never use that word -- it's really not even in my vocabulary -- but by 3pm yesterday I was pacing the trailer saying over and over "what a cluster fuck........ what a cluster fuck".

I am not going to go into details because they are too long and too convoluted to even try.  I did however see this cluster fuck coming because a few days ago the lil one and I were at a friend's trailer visiting and the grandmother came over to interrupt.   The lil one continued playing pretty much ignoring the grandmother.  Then for whatever reason the lil one decided to hug and kiss me and tell me how much she loved me (this is NOT uncommon -- something special -- she tends to do it frequently -- so did the children in my classroom for over 30 years!!)  I told Sir Steve that night that there was gonna be fall out from it...........there always is.
 
The fallout happened yesterday.  I had been to the city for a couple of hours and when I got home -- I hadn't even put the car in park - when the lil one came storming across two campsites crying -- telling me I had left the dog alone and she had cried while I was gone.  The lil one sounded so angry with me.  It literally tore my heart out.  I quietly explained to her that the dog has problems being alone -- that the dog cries sometimes -- but she knows the dog is fine!!  I let her go in the trailer and let the dog out -- we put her on her rope and the dog bounced around happy and playful like usual.  BUT it did not console the child.  I had been mean to leave the dog.  I sent the child back to the mother.

I admit I did nothing but storm around the trailer saying IF the mother had been an adult -- even IF the child had been upset by the dog crying - she could have reassured her.  (Please note I highly doubt the child was upset until it was pointed out to her - as the dog cries whenever we leave her and the child has never noticed before!!)

My stomach knotted up -- I started shaking -- I felt the panic attack coming on -- AND the urge to really stir up some shit.  I have seen too many -- way too many -- children used as pawns in custody hearings/divorces.... have seen what it does to them emotionally.  I sent Sir Steve a text message at work.... something I have never done!  He texted back immediately.  AND when he got home and saw the mess I was in -- suggested we come back to the city for the night. 

Poor Sir Steve is devastated -- for his child who is being used as a pawn and for me who is being hurt by this nonsense.  It was a quiet night.

BUT it did me the world of good to be back in the city away from their ever watching eyes.  Away from the pettiness and the vindictiveness ... just away from all of them.