Challenges

Well I have been wearing my fitbit for a week now...... I managed to lose 3 pounds (see the coffee and the jam DO count!)  

I have been fascinated by the way it tracks my exercise/steps and because I enter what I eat - how it tracks my food intact with my calorie burn off.  

But I am also getting a kick out of the "challenges".  I noticed one day last week a message from youngest daughter on my fitbit challenging me to some thing or another.  I didn't understand/get it ... and couldn't find the damn message later on... so it got ignored.

Then Friday my son-in-law sent me another challenge thingy and I got him to explain it to me.  This neat lil bracelet has an app for your phone - where you can challenge your friends to things like "weekend warrior".  Weekend warrior challenges you to walk more steps than the other challenged players (cheeky grin) in a 48 hour period.

I accepted ..... and despite walking Saturday and Sunday on the treadmill for 45 minutes each day - AND - walking after supper each evening I still managed to lose (le sigh) BUT I broke my all time high for steps taken in a day - both days!  YAY me!

And then to brighten up my exercise passion - W brought home a new strap for me.  I (being colour blind) swore it was red - but it turns out it is tangerine.  So IF I see it as red - is it red??? or is it tangerine??? 

Truthfully colour doesn't matter - what does matter is I am enthusiastic once again about something in my life....... about making my life a little bit better............ 

so when I die they can say about me -- she

 "exercised every day and died healthier" !!!

 

His Eyes

Every so often - usually during play time - I would look up at him and his eyes would have THIS look........not even a look I can describe - just A look

and he would have this smile - I would say 'evil' but it really wasn't........

And the combination would make my knees go weak and my heart beat faster - and all I wanted was to stay in that moment forever....... 

Sunday Sentiments

His Hands

The hands would hold me - would stroke me - would lift me up to heights I never dreamed of - they would open me and tease me and make me moan....... 

I would cry "I am broken" and the hands would stroke some more and prove I was not broken......... and my body would shudder in relief

Once upon a time.........

Watching the Dance

I have been watching 

a Top question the difference between Tops and Dominants / submissives and slaves.

a Bottom question the difference between bottom and submissive/slave

Both wondering out loud about D/s

I have been watching them dance around each other....... touching .... testing..... perfecting............

And my heart fills with joy for them.........

and a longing for something that I will never have again........ Newness.
 

"Outing" and my definition

I have been writing this blog for going on 10 years.  In all that time - to the best of my knowledge - I have never EVER knowingly outed someone.  BUT unfortunately there is still a whole mess of gossip going on around the community that I AM indeed outing people.

Let's take a look at a couple of examples of what I consider outing....

1)  IF I said "I met the most amazing Dom at a munch at Tim Horton's last night.  His name is Jack Smith.  Some of you might know him... he's the amazing electrician who does electric play................ "

OR 

2)  IF I called up a parent who is involved in a nasty child custody suit and offered information about their ex partner's involvement in BDMS OR called up an employer and offered information about someone's involvement in BDSM 
 YUP that's outing.... in my opinion

However .......... what I do here on MY blog ...... is talk about generic people - generic events and what *I* did.  Never do I mention real names.  Hell I don't even use the full nickname of anyone I am talking about........

I might say "some young people told me they thought gays were "freaks" and I might voice my disappointment that we haven't evolved past that thinking....... I might mention someone who preaches truth above all else - and that I am pretty sure they are living any number of lies.....but that doesn't out anyone - cause I didn't mention their names.  IF however you have a guilty conscience - shrug - that's your problem not mine.

We all have different definitions for things.  Outing seems to be one those words.  I was concerned that perhaps I had somehow missed the class on what "outing" is... so I have done some research........ asked a number of people ... encouraged a number of people to read here ..... and each and everyone of them said "nope - you are not outing anyone".  

What I believe it is boiling down to is.......... someone has an axe to grind with me... and perhaps I frighten them ?? who knows... but the only way they can "get to me" is by spreading malicious gossip....... and twisting definitions to make it fit their needs.  Unfortunately there are some young impressionable folks out there in the community who are being led astray by this over zealous power hungry group.  And are reaching for the tar and feathers (on behalf of these folks) and threatening to try and run me out of town on a rail.

Do I look worried?

If you live your life honestly - with integrity - I honestly believe the gossip mongers will not be able to bring you down.  Oh they might shake things up a little bit - create drama that will involve a whole mess of good folk........ but in the end - when the dust settles - they will be seen for what they really are.  I honestly don't have to do one damn thing.

Who Knew?

That bracelet thingy above - for those of you who don't know - is called a FitBit.  (and probably just about everyone knows what it is - has one - uses it - and is wondering what MY problem is!)

Anywayyyyyy........

Sir got one a while back to help track his calories/sugars/carbs and exercise in an effort to bring down his sugars.  (side note - I do believe it is working for him!  YAY Fitbit)

Both my daughters got one - and my son in law and Sir's 'niece' and good friends (I know cause they all friend each other on the Fitbit web site)  

I did not have one.  I did not see the point in another "toy"... (see me rolling my eyes)
I would continue eating a healthy food plan and going to the gym 3 days a week - and hopefully the weight would start falling off.

That has been my hope for the last 6 months.

Oh at first I had some success losing a few pounds and a couple of inches all over.  And then it stopped.

I have always felt I was doomed to go through life with this body.  And you can forget all the positive body image propaganda you see going round ......... doesn't work for me.  I absolutely hate this body I have been given........ and hating it more with each passing year.  

Sassy haircuts - a winning smile - and a 'charming' personality just aren't cutting it for me.  I look in the mirror and I see an overweight old lady - and I HATE it.

Last Friday driving to the gym I thought why not buy one of these Fitbit thingies and see if it can show me where I am going wrong... show me how to lose the weight and maybe teach me to love myself.

That's not too much to ask from a 'toy' right?

So - with permission - I bought one.

And the learning curve changed.

Who knew that coffee (my way) has 50 calories - in EACH cup??
Who knew that you are supposed to count that tbsp of jam on your toast? or that tbsp of salad dressing on the boring green salad you are eating for lunch???

Suddenly I am seeing the REAL calories that I am eating - and the amount of calories being burned off with my exercise.............. and like any good detective I think I have found my problem......

So now I am starting to move more than ever - cause coffee has calories that count!  and jam has calories that count!  AND I really do want - more than anything - to start losing REAL weight ............. so I can be proud of my body........ something I have never EVER been.
    

Sunday Sentiments

Pink Nail Polish

Today is the first (full) day of spring.  I was going to paint my nails pink in celebration.

When I opened the blinds this morning it was snowing.  

I put the pink nail polish away........... 

Spring is never coming - ever!  There has been an error message sent......

 

Break

I think it is time I took a break from The Journey - from FetLife - from everything.  Hell if I could - I would take a break from life 

I am struggling (yeah of course I am - there always seems to be some friggin' drama going on in my life right?!)  I am struggling with who I am right now and how I fit in anywhere.  

I feel lost and confused and definitely hurt.  

So I am gonna take some time.... 

Everyone play nice.

Sunday Sentiments

Did you hear it?

So yeah - the old question "if a tree falls in the woods does anyone hear it?"

Which begs me to ask another unanswerable question...... If a submissive has no active dominant - is she still submissive?? 

OR

if a submissive has a strong personality can she still be submissive?

No?? then what is she?

 





 

Tired

I am tired........

Tired of the debates that go on 

Tired  of the power struggles

Tired of the secrets

Tired of the arguments and harsh/hateful words

Tired of the bullying

Tired of the threats

Tired of the nut cases (and yes there are NUT CASES out there)

I am tired of the small town mentality of this lifestyle........ I am tired of the gossip and the innuendos and the fighting.

Mostly the fighting and the hurtful words.

I am tired.............



 

Oooops

I had planned on writing a "thesis" on 'words' today.  

BUT then I received the photo challenge.  The challenge was "Something Old".  I had this brainwave to take a shot of an old photograph album - how appropriate right??!  

Fortunately Sir never throws anything out and he had an old family album dating back to the early - VERY - early 1900's.  I took photos and they were ok.. but dull and flat looking.  Then I had another great idea ....... I would photoshop them all into an interesting collage.

Which meant I finally had to sit down and learn the program.

It took me all morning which is why the "thesis" never got written...... ahh well there's always another day............ 

Wanna see my photoshopped picture?? huh do ya??? 

Drum roll please......................

  see how clever I was??  I used the photo I had shot of the cover of the album as the background......... sometimes I really do have brilliant inspirations!

knots

And definitely not the good kind...........

I wonder why I can't stand confrontations.  I wonder why - even when I speak my mind like so many others do - I feel sick to my stomach afterwards.  I want it all to "go away".  And yet ........ I wouldn't take one thing I said back - cause it was the truth.  For some reason it is impossible for me to lie.  God !  if standing up for something - or myself - makes me feel this bad - can you imagine how bad I would feel if I lied??!!!  

It has been what? a month since the fiasco happened over on Fetlife.  The moment someone called me names and I stood up for myself.  Spoke the truth and caused such an uproar.  I was threatened for god's sakes (not that anything came of it) And I stood tall and carried on.  Am still standing tall and still carrying on........ 

Except the knots in my stomach.

It would seem that I find a need - a compulsion - to point out "the king is naked" (do you know that story??)  Why can't I just be like everyone else and smile and compliment the king on his nice new clothes?  Why do I feel I am the only one who sees the king naked and it is my job to point it out??? 

I have done some soul searching.......... it has nothing to do with bringing anyone down.............. it just has to do with seeing an inconsistency - smoke and mirrors?? - a naked king ?? and I can't let it go....... can't.  The truth (as I see it) must come out.

BUT then I am left feeling like the world is going to come to an end.  Someone suggested a "sit down" - even offered to moderate it - to bring an end to the squabble.  I declined.  Because I will NOT apologise for pointing out the not so obvious fact the king IS naked.

Now you may ask why am I bringing this up now?  well it's simple really - there is a munch on Friday and the "king" and all his minions are going.  I just want to pretend they don't exist ..... I just want to pretend everything is fine......... and I can't if I have to see them - break bread with them.  

And so the knots tighten in my belly. 

One day - maybe - I will learn to let everyone see the naked king - until one day someone - other than me that is - declares "the king is naked!"  

because ya know - my grandmother always said the truth will win out - one day

A little bouncing ball.......

We had snow yesterday - March 1st - and some more this morning.. and we're supposed to get a lot more tomorrow.......... 

So my question is this....... Does that mean March came in like a lion??

Except it doesn't really matter to me.  For some stupid reason - once we hit March I always know the worst is over.  Worst for me is weeks and weeks of winter.... by March I can see spring - it's just over there.. hiding behind that snow bank - or behind that last winter storm.  I jokingly told Sir this morning that whatever snow comes now I am NOT shoveling - it is gonna melt.  (and yeah I know the snow that fell in January is gonna melt too - BUT this snow is definitely gonna melt a whole lot sooner - makes sense to me )

~~~~~~~~~~

I think yesterday's Sunday Sentiments might need just a little clarification.  I still have knots in my stomach about the big ruckus that happened on Fetlife - and in real life - over my voicing my opinion.  The couple that went after me with both barrels blazing are still around - still in my peripheral vision.  Yesterday's saying was an effort to try and make me relax.  Try and help me shake off the scary feelings.  I HATE confrontation........ it always turns me into a basket case.  AND there is a wisp of a chance that they will show up to the munch this coming Friday........ and truthfully I don't want to see them.  BUT on the other hand I will not allow them to drive me away...... they win if I do that ........... I have no reason to hide.... I did nothing wrong.  They are the ones who threatened me - who publicly called me names - so why in god's name am I so tied up in knots???? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got my ass whooped this weekend - not a fun playful whooping  - a punishment.  I cried.  and cried some more.  I get so confused some times.... most of the time Sir and I just muddle along like a vanilla couple (by my definition) but I am still doing the serving part of our agreement ........ there's just no playful times....... no fucking.... no obvious blatant BDSM.  So I admit it - I get cheeky and poke the dom - a lot more than I should... the brat in me comes out to play... even though I know I shouldn't let her out to play.  And then - without warning - when Sir has had enough - I get punished.... and it hurts .. it hurts my ass and my heart - cause I don't mean to be bad enough to warrant a punishment spanking - I really don't.  

I have mostly figured out our relationship - which is loving and caring and wonderful - I just need to work a little bit more on the bratty part I guess............ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 I have some thoughts percolating from stuff on Fetlife - but I think it needs to percolate a little bit more before I can make sense of it............. 

And so till then.............. the bouncing ball will stop bouncing.
 

Sunday Sentiments

honestly I need to repeat this over and over until it sinks in.............