knots

And definitely not the good kind...........

I wonder why I can't stand confrontations.  I wonder why - even when I speak my mind like so many others do - I feel sick to my stomach afterwards.  I want it all to "go away".  And yet ........ I wouldn't take one thing I said back - cause it was the truth.  For some reason it is impossible for me to lie.  God !  if standing up for something - or myself - makes me feel this bad - can you imagine how bad I would feel if I lied??!!!  

It has been what? a month since the fiasco happened over on Fetlife.  The moment someone called me names and I stood up for myself.  Spoke the truth and caused such an uproar.  I was threatened for god's sakes (not that anything came of it) And I stood tall and carried on.  Am still standing tall and still carrying on........ 

Except the knots in my stomach.

It would seem that I find a need - a compulsion - to point out "the king is naked" (do you know that story??)  Why can't I just be like everyone else and smile and compliment the king on his nice new clothes?  Why do I feel I am the only one who sees the king naked and it is my job to point it out??? 

I have done some soul searching.......... it has nothing to do with bringing anyone down.............. it just has to do with seeing an inconsistency - smoke and mirrors?? - a naked king ?? and I can't let it go....... can't.  The truth (as I see it) must come out.

BUT then I am left feeling like the world is going to come to an end.  Someone suggested a "sit down" - even offered to moderate it - to bring an end to the squabble.  I declined.  Because I will NOT apologise for pointing out the not so obvious fact the king IS naked.

Now you may ask why am I bringing this up now?  well it's simple really - there is a munch on Friday and the "king" and all his minions are going.  I just want to pretend they don't exist ..... I just want to pretend everything is fine......... and I can't if I have to see them - break bread with them.  

And so the knots tighten in my belly. 

One day - maybe - I will learn to let everyone see the naked king - until one day someone - other than me that is - declares "the king is naked!"  

because ya know - my grandmother always said the truth will win out - one day