Wednesday, September 23, 2009

what is submissive?

The other day........ kaya wrote a blog about who / what is a submissive. well that's my reader's digest version.. if you want to read the whole thing click HERE

kaya was asking are you a submissive if you use a safe word to get out of all the things you really don't want to do??? Isn't being a submissive about His wants/needs/desires not yours??

Well i have an opinion.. (are you surprised??!!)

See i think if a submissive has a safe word then there are a whole mess of things in play..
like maybe she doesn't trust her Dom
like maybe she doesn't really want to give over control
like maybe it is really just a big game
like maybe she doesn't have the same relationship as i do...


i got to thinking...... after i had written this blog entry.. and decided i needed to do a little editing...
see i think sometimes i fall into the same trap that others do.. believing that the way Sir and i do things is the "only" way....... shame on me !!! This relationship works for US.. but it probably wouldn't work for many others.

Yes i have a whole mess of rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... i could/would work 12 hour days right now.. to make sure i take the breaks i am supposed to.... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i leave again.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. So each morning i leave my desk at 8:00ish and head home for breakfast and a small break.. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home... and it keeps me from working myself into a frazzle.

Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.

So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" doesn't exist in my world. AND i have to say........ i have tried BDSM part time.. i have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of wiggle room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)

i have - i think - a great example of my submission in a vanilla setting........

Take the 78th Fraser Highlanders. It is something that Sir gets a really big thrill out of.......... and He enjoys having me on His arm (so to speak) at the events.

i, on the other hand, find the whole thing ...... at best amusing....... at worst boring.

But i have never said i won't go to an event when Sir tells me about one, because, well to me that's like using a safe word. The Frasers may not be my cup of tea but it isn't about ME! It's about Sir. Sometimes i have to do a major mental adjustment to get through an evening event.. or play games in my head to make it tolerable. i have been tempted from time to time to speak my mind.. but don't because i worry it will embarrass Sir. Example.. the last formal event we went to, one of the men was asking me all sorts of personal questions about my tattoo... i kept thinking i wonder what his reaction would be if i told him about my piercing!! But didn't because .. i am a reflection of Sir..... simple as that.

Ok......... so i go to the events because it pleases Sir. i behave because i am a reflection of Sir.

BUT now it has been taken one step further.

At the last command meeting .. one of the big wigs put my name forward to be accepted as the newest "milady". UGH !! it is one thing to go to these events with Sir... it is a completely different thing to actually join the 78th Frasers. But that is what becoming a "milady" means.

i accepted gracefully and will be indoctrinated - or whatever it is they do - at the next event in November.

Why did i do this if it goes against my grain?? Because i am Sir's .. (to quote a friend) "always and in all ways".

Let me give you an example of how Sir listens to me... and hears me !! At the last Fraser event.. there was a mandatory church service on the Sunday morning... i explained to Sir that it really went against my personal views/beliefs to be forced to attend a church service. i asked if i might be excused from the service. Sir didn't answer me immediately. But on the Sunday morning i was up and dressed and out with everyone else for the pre-church festivities. i had every intention of attending. But as everyone filed into the church, Sir leaned over to me and suggested that i might prefer to sit in the garden and read until the service was over. Way to go Sir !!

Now the only real bitch i have about this "honour" ......... is the tartan. See the picture above... that is the sash the miladies wear. You can't really see the colours .. so check out Sir's kilt.

The tartan is ORANGE !!! and green.. and blue........
but the main colour is ORANGE !!!

Now my favourite colour is red - how in god's name am i gonna wear the sash over my red??? sigh........... you know you're a submissive when you make real sacrifices for your Sir............ i am gonna have to find some nice lil black top to go with my black skirt and put the pretty red jacket away...............

Does all of this make me more submissive than someone else??

Nope.. it just makes me a different submissive than someone else.. and there is nothing wrong with that at all....


  1. see, I LOVE this post. I'll admit it, Kaya's got up my nose! and yes, she did sound elitist - no, not talking behind her back although I didn't comment - but Kaya knows my stand on our different viewpoints.

    but you acknowledge that there is more than one way to beat the subby as it were (a variation on bell the cat LOL).

    the reality is and thhis is something I go on about - it is impossible to quantify ANY relationship - simply because it is a BDSM-related one makes that no different. People are unique; dominants - Masters, Sirs , Ma'ams, you name it - have their own set of guidelines, demands and rules - as do their slaves/submissives and the dynamic therefore between them is unique.

    Hell, not that I don't get judgmental myself - because it is human nature to do so.

    but the sticking point for me is the provsio that if you don't acquiese in EVERY single point then you're somehow "not a submissive" ... I just dont' agree.

  2. Hee. I like getting up people's noses. :-P

    I don't argue that there are different kinds of submission.

    I just think there are some who aren't submitting at all.

    Now really. How is THAT being elitist? ;-)

    ps. Orange is totally gonna look hot on you. *nods*

  3. actually Kaya- I don't disagree at ALL with that - to me a LOT of what I see is just bullshit - playing at it -which is totally fine if that's what you're into - but they're USUALLY also the ones that get their knickers in a twist when you call it that LOL

    and yeah, I think orange will look HOT on morningstar too LOL

  4. I've always had a "safeword."

    I use quotes though, because it doesn't operate as a command on my part that he cease and desist, The End, omg, no more!

    It's a word he *allows* me to have that I use if I need to talk to him at any point during anything - a task being set, an argument, sex, a scene, etc - that, for some reason, I am unable to communicate with him normally. It's really rare that would happen. If something hurts in a bad way, I can say "Oh, hey, I think my wrist is going to dislocate" and he can make the decision to stop or not based on what I said. However, if the situation arises where I CAN'T talk to him normally, or he's not listening, or something... That's what the word is for.

    Basically, it's not a STOP button, it's a PAUSE button so that I can give him information I think HE needs (not just information I feel like giving him for my own benefit - though it's usually both, because he's a fan of keeping me no-seriously-injured.)

    Because he and I both face the reality that he can't know EVERYTHING at ALL times. And he'd love to, lemme tell ya. But he doesn't. So if something happens where there is information I have that I think is NECESSARY for him to have, and he won't/can't listen to me (of ungag me, etc.) any other way - I have a safeword (or signal.)

    The thing about it that makes me believe it in NO way compromises my status as The One With No Control is that... Well... After I've hit PAUSE and given him the information, what happens then is up to him. If he decides "I don't care that your wrist is going to dislocate or that you're about to pass out..." then, well, he doesn't care. The End.

    I can promise you he'd take the word away if I misused it to get out of something I simply don't *want* to do... But it's our way of letting me be able to speak out of turn, or be allowed to speak when I'm in a situation that would prevent me from speaking... In order to provide him with information.

    I guess what I'm saying is that, as with everything else in BDSM, it's not just the idea of "well, there are many different ways to do this, with or without a safeword is just one permutation" it's that not even all safewords operate the same way! So while your ideas about safewords make perfect sense to me, I also HAVE a safeword, because it doesn't function the way others do.

    Heh... Complicated little community we've got her, innit? :)


    P.S. - Rock the orange. You know you can!

  5. When we first got together, Daddy gave me a safeword. Two actually, yellow and red, yellow means slow down/ease up, and red means STOP. But, red doesn't necessarily mean stop forever, it just means something is wrong and He will stop, find out what it is, fix it, and then decide if He wants to keep going or not.
    That was early on in our relationship. At this point, Daddy knows me well enough that i really don't need a safeword. So, i don't use it. We have gone from a SSC dynamic to a RACK dynamic in our scenes. Yes, i said scenes, because although we live the lifestyle 24/7, scenes are the only time i would have even considered using a safeword.
    i have to say that there were times early on in our relationship that i would fight using a safeword, simply because i wanted to be a better submissive. i wanted to prove i could take more, even when i really couldn't. Daddy cured me of that by playing me in a way that would force the safeword. He never injured me, He just pushed my limits hard.
    At this point i am sure if i called yellow or red Daddy would stop to see what was wrong, but i don't. We have passed that level in our relationship.

  6. See, what Cinderelli rings true. In the beginning of the relationship, didn't any of you have "safewords"?

    Take the fact that i am meeting someone totaly new on Saturday night (and yes i have checked him out and all that). It is just for dinner. If play was to happen with this person, i would want safe words, or just the understanding that No means No, for the first few session while we both learn each other and learn to trust each other.


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