Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Running away

Communication............ reported to be the most important part of BDSM - clear communication. (i would argue that it is probably important in other aspects of life ....... but hey........... let's just go with the flow for now ok??)

Face to face communication is much more than words.. it is a lifted eyebrow, a scowl, a smile, a body tense with arms folded across the chest, there is tone of voice and a plethora of other signals that i spend a good part of my day teaching to children.

When you get to the net.. to blogs and emails and online chats, all those cues disappear. There are only words typed on the screen... blah blah blahs .. with few if any indicators of what is being said - behind the words.

i am the first to admit that often online i am not too adept at picking up what is being said behind the written word - sometimes taking offense when no offense is meant. mea culpa. i must learn to ask for clarification to say " did you mean a b or c"??

Now let's complicate things further and look at communication from a submissive's perspective.

i (and i can only speak for myself) am not supposed to challenge Sir..... i am supposed to smile and nod and go along with what He wants/decides/says. How does that enrich communication??

i am learning to speak my mind to Sir.. to open up (something He pushed for btw) ........ than it is to do so with friends and acquaintances. Generally when someone outside of Sir says something that hurts me, i sound off to Sir.. i sound off in my blog... but i never EVER say diddley squat to them.

Now isn't that weird???

i should be quiet with Sir and outspoken with others no??

But it isn't the way i am wired.

When i am hurt by someone's words i pull into myself.. i protect myself .. i lick my wounds and in time i can once again go back to communicating with this person.

BUT i discovered something this morning..... something i probably have always done.. but never identified before...

When i pull into myself....... i do it completely.. i have little to say to Sir.. i am quiet at work, with my daughters, i go into hermit mode.......... no visitors, no radio or TV total silence at home.

On a good day i am happiest alone and quiet, on a bad day i bury myself in the quiet .. i turn off all the blah blah blahs and retreat inside myself.

i said to Sir yesterday in a text message... "i want to run away, but we both know i won't. "

But sometimes it is hard not to.


  1. I feel like I've missed something...

    Clearly, you are hurting.

    Someone was mean, obviously.

    I've looked at comments made recently, and I can't figure it out.

    I just hope you are OK. I know that you know these kinds of critters don't deserve your attention, your concern, or one single smidgeon of your energy.

    hugs, swan

  2. i am sorry.. swan... i am just feeling lost - for lack of a better word... work is truly horrible and i am not coping with the malice well at all.........

    i am not making much sense even now :(

    i will pull it all together and be my old self soon i promise..

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  3. i had read to here:
    "i am learning to speak my mind to Sir.. to open up (something He pushed for btw)"
    when i stopped to discuss with my Sir as i found it interesting and wondered how He felt from His point of view regarding the fact that i am pretty bad about being very forward about things and not so gracefully eloquent, quiet or subserviant at times.

    He pointed out to me that i tend to speak my mind more easily with Him but that He does have to encourage me to speak my mind with others. Otherwise i tend to allow others to walk all over me until i blow.

    Then i went back to reading the rest of your post and thought "wow- yeah, that is exactly what He was explaining".


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