How do you spell 'discouraged'

i spell discouraged.... 's i c k ' ............

After 10 full days of antibiotics and pumps and liquids and everything i was supposed to do.. (well ok i wasn't supposed to go into school - BUT what choice did i have??) i woke this morning with a sore throat and runny nose and cough.......... my recheck for the pneumonia/strep throat and tonsillitis is Monday............. 4 whole days away.

March break starts on Friday. i was so looking forward to a week off to relax .. recharge and revitalize.

i spell discouraged ' s i c k'

Codes and safe words

Well the one good thing about being home sick and helpless and alone is that i have lots of time to think.......... and ponder .. and come up with some really good ideas !!! (ok ok you can all stop laughing now )

Seriously... i was re-reading my post from yesterday .. about Sir giving me the colour codes.. i thought it was a great idea at the time.. but it also felt a bit funny.... i have never had a safe word.. oh wait.. i had a pink squeezy heart thing i was supposed to drop if i ever wanted to stop a session...... but i prided myself in never ever using it...

i have teased Sir from time to time about instituting a "get of trouble" card.... something He would reward me with when i had been exceptionally good.. and i could pull it out and trump a punishment or a session or whatever i felt like trumping whenever i felt like trumping it. (didja follow that one??? !!) It was something Sir never took too..........

But truthfully .. it just didn't feel right having the decision in my hands when to speed up and when not to... my instincts told me not to go yellow.. it felt so damn nice on red. Isn't it a bit human nature to not want to hurt?? and yet with a masochist it is the one thing we really crave... weird situation to be in.. your brain is telling you you are NUTS .. but the body is wanting more.........

Anywayyyyyyyy getting back to the colours.. it didn't feel real .. to be able to control the intensity of the session........ And if you read my blog entry you will have noticed that i never did call "yellow" or "green".. it happened because Sir made it happen.......... that's the way it should be.. for me at least. Having safe words and colour codes and even "get out of trouble" cards make it all one BIG game.. and this isn't a game for me..or Sir for that matter. i realize that for some folks involved in BDSM it is about just the right amount of .. what shall i call it.. "stimulation"?? to get to the point of full sexual arousal. (and i am thinking it may be the way most vanilla folks see it.. ) BUT for Sir and i it isn't about that.. it is a challenge.. seeing how much pain i can take in a session.. how high Sir can raise the bar.. even when i am crying and pleading and begging Him to stop.. (oh yeah.. swan .. on the weekend with the heart clips i do believe i mumbled something along the lines of "Sir Pooh Head" )

As with all walks of life .. all relationships.. everyone does what works for them... and the really nice thing about the BDSM community is that we don't (normally that is) judge what someone else does. Your kink.. my kink sort of thing.

Weekend

Despite my declining health situation this weekend..... It wasn't a total loss. Sir wanted to play and play we did... with consideration given to my total lack of energy, enthusiasm, and strength.

On Saturday afternoon, Sir had me stretch out on the sofa.. made sure i was nice and comfy (isn't He just too sweet??!!! ) AND He even gave me a code.. red meant i was cold and to continue with the warm up.. yellow meant i was warming up and green meant .. i am nice and hot go for it!! (wasn't that just so sweet of Him??!!)

i was lying there while He used the cute lil hand crop that has this nasty sting.. and right away i said "RED" i was really enjoying having these codes.. Sir was going nice and easy and it was feeling soooooo very nice!! and again i said "RED" .. and trust me folks i was grinning from ear to ear.. THIS was fun!!

A couple of times Sir cranked it up to what i considered YELLOW and i yelled RED.. no no .. i am still cold.. keep doing what You are doing. And He did!!! (isn't He just too sweet??!!) i am not too sure how long this went on.. Sir trying to crank it up .. me yelling RED.. but eventually Sir said "This is getting tiring" and He pulled the ottoman over and sat down .. but He kept up a nice level of spanking.. i was glowing and thoroughly enjoying it !! i was feeling very spoiled.. lying all comfy cozy on the sofa.. Sir following the codes.. yes siree i was feeling nice and spoiled.

Then Sir felt my ass.. and commented that He thought it was getting nice and warm.... and He reached for the quirt........ RED i yelled.. He must have missed that one.. cause the quirt was used.. after a few hits from the quirt i had to admit .. yeah maybe i was up to yellow...... when He hit me a few good hits.. i tried RED again.. He must have missed that one too... cause He kept up with the stinging bites of the quirt. And by now He was standing and enjoying giving His whole arm a good work out..

Next came that blessed tack paddle i made Him for Christmas. i remembered the code.. it was there.. right on the end of my tongue.. but for some strange reason i couldn't remember which colour to call.. and stranger yet .. it didn't seem important... At first He used the back side of the paddle.. and i thought oh my god that damn thing doesn't even sting.... and how right i was (when it was first used on me without the tacks) to grade it as a wimpy paddle. But then Sir turned it over.. and placed the tack side down on my ass.. telegraphing what was coming. i could feel the coolness of the tacks against my ass.. i could feel a little prick as He pushed it down deeper into the skin.. and then the whallop and the next whallop... It is interesting to me that as much as those tacks are breaking skin and as much as i am bleeding.. it doesn't hurt as bad as one might imagine.......... BUT then maybe i was way past YELLOW and into GREEN???!!

Finally He reached for the cane....... i think i may have protested "NOT the cane!" but i honestly don't remember.. i DO remember Sir showing me the cane at one point and saying i was bleeding all over it... but i didn't see a damn thing...... The next thing i remember was Sir asking me where the Witch Hazel was (i am allergic to alcohol so Witch Hazel is used instead) and i remembering muttering a couple of places it might be.. and then i remember this wonderful warm cloth being put over my sore and bleeding ass.. and it just being left there.. the warmth oozing down into the burning hurt..... And then the witch hazel being used to disinfect and wash away the blood.. and then lying all comfy cozy on the recliner with my quilt covering me basking in the glories of endorphins.........

Oh yeah........... and i never told you all what Sir brought for me .. in celebration of Valentine's day........... it is much better to show you then explain.............


i love orchids !!! Here is a close up..........

Now i ask you !!!!!!!! isn't Sir just too sweet??!!!

shoot me please???

Yesterday i turned to Sir.. filled up with tears.. and asked Him if He would take me to the clinic today... i felt THAT bad....

The problem with going to a clinic is that they specialize - not in medicine as one might hope.. but in line ups. Line up to check in.. Line up for triage.. line up for an examining room.. line up for a doctor.. then line up for tests.. then line up for results from tests then line up to see doctor again!!!

The verdict is.......... i have strep throat (they think - but as i do not DO swabs stuck down my throat they aren't sure) i have tonsillitis and i have pneumonia.. And after joining more line ups at the drug store i am finally home with an arm load of antibiotics.

Someone wanna shoot me now?? please??

Best Laid plans ...

i had this half formed idea for a Valentine's present for Sir.... i picked up these cute heart shaped clips and was all set to continue picking up "pervertables" to add to the package.. finishing off with some nice pink rope............ when of course i got sick......... i kept praying i would find the energy to at least get out and finish off my project before the weekend.. but it was not in the stars..............

So last evening.. half apologetically .. i offered Sir the only thing i had for Him for Valentine's day...... simple little heart shaped clips. He opened the package and laughed this evil laugh .. evil Dom laugh....... i glanced over at Him wondering what He had found amusing about 8 bloody lil clips......... Sir was watching me.. holding one the clips in His hand.. opening it and closing it and grinning at me... He asked if i had "paid attention" to the clips??? i hadn't.. He leaned over and showed me the clips...... without the cute valentine packaging.. without the cute red cardboard to hold them all neat in a row......... he showed me........... the TEETH! OH MY GOD !! what WAS i thinking???

Can you see those teeny tiny alligator teeth...... meant to grip hair?? teeny tiny razor sharp teeth?? can you SEE them??? when i saw them .. my knees went weak.. my stomach turned.. and i pulled out the only trump card i had.. "SIR!! i am wayyyyy too sick.. too weak to have those things used on me !!!" (notice i didn't add this weekend.. i was hoping the "ever" would be implied)...

Sir smiled.. He carefully unclipped all 8 of them.. He carefully unbuttoned the front of my dress.. He carefully and methodically placed 4 of them on each breast while i clung to the arm of the chair and screamed bloody murder !!! Eventually the pain subsided to a dull burn......... and then the thought crossed my mind that "hey this wasn't so bad afterall".. and then almost immediately the thought hit "they have to come off!!!!" And off they did come.. none to gently either.......

Later in the evening Sir decided that these pretty lil heart shaped clips were wasted on my boobs.. yes yes wasted!! He came to me and unbuttoned my dress from the bottom up to my waist........ pushed my legs slightly apart and proceeded to put a clip on my delicate pink bits........ and ohhhhhhh how i screamed.... 2 were put on.. 3.. and the tears were welling up in my eyes.. the pain was unbearable... He reached for His camera and i had to endure these cute lil .. innocent looking.. heart clips until He had taken a few pictures....

Once they were off. i was sure i would be spared any more.. after all.. i am an invalid right?? i have been sick for 8 days.. i am not my strong self. Sir didn't read the bit in the contract that says "sick subbies are not to be played with" ... About 30 minutes later the two clips were put back on my pink delicate bits.. He reached for a 3rd but i broke down and begged Him to allow me only 2 !!! And being the kind Sir He is.. being the loving Sir He is.. being the caring Sir He is.. He left the 2 on.......... for a good 10 minutes !!!

Ohhhh i nearly forgot.. i also got my Krispie Kreme donuts........ a whole box of cream filled Krispie Kreme donuts............ so when the clips came off and i was mumbling how mean He was.. how cruel He was.. (i do believe i even used swan's expression.. "Pooh head") He reminded me that i had been allowed one whole cream filled donut ... with no limitations.. and He began to muse about how my next one might be more of a challenge.. what could be traded for a bite.............

On the Mend??

It has been 7 full days of this .... virus! (that is my new dirty word for the week - VIRUS) It was supposed to be bad for 3 - 5 days then improve... Well mine didn't... on the 6th day my fever came back.. ask me if i was happy............ Last night as i climbed into bed i had this craving !! my stomach was rumbling and my mouth was watering! i wanted ...... (no NOT chocolate kaya) but Krispie Kreme Donuts... the cream filled ones.

i was introduced to Krispie Kreme Donuts about 6 years ago or so... on a trip to New York City. i went down to meet a submissive i had been chatting to for ages and ages on line.. i spent 7 days in NY.. almost as long as this virus - but NY was much more fun !! Her Dom arranged for us to attend a TESS demo night.. we shopped - not for regular stuff like most tourists to NY shop for... no we hit every BDSM shop imaginable.. it is where i actually purchased my very own first flogger.. the sting of a 1000 bees flogger..

One night on the way back to Long Island - we stopped at this donut shop.. she couldn't believe i had never tasted a Krispie Kreme Donut - in those days it was an American thing.. definitely not a Canadian one... and i was in love at first bite !!!

It was a glorious week of laughter and shopping and sunbathing.... (there were some who imagined much more debauchery.. but they were wrong! we were just a couple of submissives enjoying the summer life in New York City)

Fast forward a few years et voila Krispie Kreme showed up in the Great White North..... unfortunately it was not love at first bite for most Canadians... and the number of shops that opened quickly dwindled down. And last night i had a craving for them....... i haven't wanted food in any form for 7 days and i want a Krispie Kreme!! go figure ..........

So this morning in my private journal to Sir i asked Him.. ever so politely.. if He thought He could manage to pick up some cream filled Krispie Kreme donuts!! Remember how i said in a previous post He almost never denies me food i wish - because i am so picky ?? Well i do believe He will find me some cream filled Krispie Kreme donuts.. though i can hear my mother's voice in my head saying "greasy food .. on a sick stomach???!!" So who knows.. maybe this weekend i will be up to my elbows in greasy sticky creamy donuts.. and maybe they will finally cure this virus that has kept me in bed for a week....... i can always hope right??

and the story continues........

Sir thought i meant lemon...... yuck........ not lemon .. vanilla cream!! so i sent Him THIS picture .. just to make sure He gets it right...... after all i am not craving anything except cream filled.. sighhhhhhhhh

and i very nicely pointed out to Him that i am fantasizing about the cream oozing out that tiny little hole.. and how i love to lick all that cream up.. and maybe even suck it out.........
before taking a nice BIG bite out of it........

Philosophical thought...reposted

i was lying in bed.. waiting for sleep to come .. with the tv quietly playing in the background. And the first thing i heard coming from the box.......... was a quote from Socrates..... He is quoted to have said:

"From the deepest desires often comes the deadliest hate".


Now ain't that something to mull over.........

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i was just gonna leave it at that.. and did actually until kaya left me this comment:
Are you going to share you "mullings"? I'd be interested. :)
which you know got me thinking....... all day long........

Originally that quote got me because of the events from the past couple of weeks.. of my venturing off into vanilla land clad in my BDSM cloak....... i couldn't understand their strong reactions to me .. to what i wrote.. to the simple word vanilla.. it nagged at me... for some silly reason i kept thinking about my belief that homophobics are simply not comfortable with their own sexuality....... i kept thinking "it has to be something like that.. it has to be".. (after all i hadn't exactly posted anything that earth shattering .. i was tip toeing around.. taking my time.. testing the waters so to speak) and there it was.. loud and clear .. breaking into my semi dream like state "from the deepest desires comes the deadliest hate".. EUREKA !! of course... perhaps i touched a chord deep inside of them.. made them uncomfortable with their own secret fantasizes?? made perfect sense to me!

But then i looked at that quote from a BDSM stand point........ and yeah it makes perfect sense for me too......... i have (and i am sure i am not alone with this) deep dark secret fantasizes that i don't ever dare even talk about............ in the light of day i declare loudly that i HATE those things... my god .. how could you even THINK i might like it???!!! but deep down inside of me.. every once in a while i pull back the heavy curtain that hides those thoughts and take a peek inside.... and ohhhhhh the thrill i feel deep in the pit of my stomach - it almost scares me!!!

and so yes.. i do believe that no matter how you identify yourself.... there is some deep desire buried inside all of us.. that when challenged we deny.......

Job Benefits..

But. I have a harder time with the slave thing...how does that benefit you to give all your power over to another? I understand it in the guise of a game, but as a life, which is what you describe...why?

Please remember - these are ONLY my opinions.......

That question was left in my comments section yesterday. And it is a fair question.. why would anyone want to turn over power to another?? What benefits do they get from it??

i am not entirely sure how to answer this...... it is a tough question..... how does one describe something that is so much a part of who or what they are.. like the colour of their eyes?? Cloud - a friend of ours - jokes that in a roomful of Doms nothing would get done because no one would be there to follow the orders.. in a roomful of submissives/slaves nothing would be done because no one would order it.. BUT in a room of switches there would be one helluva lot done ! (ok that made perfect sense to me when i wrote it .. now?? i am not too sure if you can follow the analogy)

All humans benefit from doing what is in their nature... if they love to read then they acquire great pleasure from reading.. if they love music then they acquire great pleasure from listening - or playing an instrument. If you are submissive you acquire great pleasure from serving the one you love.... and it doesn't have to be JUST in a BDSM relationship!! Think about it for a minute.. you spend hours making your lover's favourite dinner.. setting a nice table .. having everything ready when they come home... and you beam !! because you have pleased the one you love.

The benefits lie in the pleasing......... in living within your own true nature.

And so i am saying.. being submissive is not a game.. it is very much a part of who and what i am. i acquire great pleasure from pleasing .. from serving. And that is only one of the "job benefits".. the others are much more visceral...... in my case a good flogging or whipping or needle session.. pain in other words. and endorphins. and yeah sex.. (damn i had hoped to not have to bring up that dirty word !!) Pretty darn good benefits if you ask me..

WIIWD

Sometimes .. honestly.. i just feel like stamping my foot.. screaming out loud... throwing something.... i wonder (sometimes out loud) how many different ways there are to explain What It Is We Do.

i remember being taught - a long long time ago - that ignorance breeds contempt. maybe even fear??? (actually stupidity came to mind as well)........ i have answered here many different questions that have been posed to me in the comment section or in private emails. No matter how many words i write.. no matter how normal and mundane this blog can be.. there are people who still believe that there is something pornographic, dark and maybe even evil about BDSM.

Recently i have heard .. more times than i can count... that what we do should be kept behind closed doors. SEX?? are we talking about sex?? cause i kinda think that a goodly number of people believe that sex should be spoken about in whispers.. and done in the dark behind closed doors.

Ok people .. listen up.. (no no.. not kaya or swan or searabbit or the many BDSM readers - i am talking about all the lurking hiding vanilla readers - yes VANILLA!! god i almost hate that word now!)

BDSM is a way of life. LIFE as in daily activites. more than sex. much more than sex. It is a graceful serving .. a gentle step.. a responsive conversation. It is symbolism. It is bowing to the stronger one.. (and NO that does not always mean MALE - it means stronger person) and it is bowing not breaking. It is life lived from a simpler time.

In reading back in my blog entries i found a request for me to lay out my weekly life.. a typical week and weekend. i honestly don't remember if i did that - but let me try now to lay out my life for you ..put it under a microscope.. take a good long hard look............

Monday to Friday i get up at 5:30 am.. i make coffee .. i feed the cats..i take my pills with a glass of juice.. i bring my coffee upstairs.. i turn on the computer and i write a journal of my past day's events - expectations - disappointments and successes and i send it off to Sir .. no later than 6:30 am.... by 7:30 at the very latest i am out the door to school where i put in 7 - 10 hours of work.. then home by 5:00. The first thing i do when i get home is text message Sir and tell Him i am home safe and sound. Then exercise time.. then dinner time and time to feed the cats.. then some down time.. and by 8:00 each evening i am on messenger talking to Sir.. reviewing our day...by 9 sharp i am in the bath and then into bed...

Weekends are different because Sir is here ! (well most weekends) i usually greet Him at the door (should i get home before He arrives) kneeling. We generally have a quiet friday evening dinner - usually something easy ... sometimes pizza .. sometimes we go out and grab a hamburger... Sometimes Sir will "play" with me .. sometimes not. AND play does not mean SEX... it means floggers and whips and needles and canes and crops, and that is because i am a masochist. And masochists are wired a bit differently from the average joe we LOVE pain.. we crave pain.. we need pain. We do not always have orgasms from pain.. but we do most certainly enjoy endorphin highs - and trust me folks that can be even better than an orgasm.. (ok ok sometimes better than an orgasm!!)

Saturdays are spent doing laundry - His and mine - and maybe running messages if there are any.. some weekends we entertain - just like normal folk... i make the meals and serve them to Sir .. in the dining room. Breakfast is always served with the newspaper beside His place .. open and ready for Him to read. We try to fit a play session in on Saturday ... cause Sunday is quiet time.. recharge the battery time.

i do not purchase clothing without Sir's approval - actually i don't purchase anything without talking to Him first. i often times will ask if there is something He would like me to wear - if we are going out. i am responsible to keep myself healthy wealthy and wise.. (ok ok now i am being just plain silly!!) BUT i am responsible to keep my life an open book for Sir.. He checks on my health issues regularily - as i check on His. There are small differences in things we do .. in public .. that some may notice others may not. Most of the time Sir enters a building before me... often times i will hold the door for Him... i will never sit until Sir sits.. and indicates where He wants me to sit.. at home the choices are at His feet or in a chair... in a restaurant for example He will point discretely to the chair He wishes me in.. be it beside Him or opposite Him. Often times He will ask me what i am going to order.. and give His discrete approval. i don't think He has ever denied me what i wish to eat (probably cause i am a picky eater)

Have you noticed not once have i mentioned sex??? geeeeeeee.. a whole week or two can go by without there being any sex. Imagine that!!! When we do have sex.. it is spontaneous and glorious and earth shaking. I twitch from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. BUT that is because the Man is such a good lover !!! (i am lucky that way!!) AND yes sometimes the sex does happen while i am strung up on the cross or hanging from the chains.......... and yes that bit should be kept out of view of those nervous nellies who don't want to know about it....... BUT the rest of it?? it is just life folks.. plain old fashioned living.... just like you do.. cooking cleaning shopping doctor's appointments and health issues .. mixed up with a whole heap of love .. just to keep us sane.

feverish thoughts..

which is just really another way of saying bouncing ball........one big difference is that i AM still feverish .. so there may be a tad more weirdness to my thoughts today .. more than usual i mean........

yesterday as i lay in a cold sweat wishing i could just die.. i was thinking about all the stupid sayings we have for being sick.. weak as a kitten.. sick as a dog.. and then it stopped.. WHAT??!! we only have two totally useless sayings to describe illness?? what is THAT about?? but i can attest to the fact that i have been as weak as a kitten AND as sick as a dog.. and a few other things too.. the pain ohhhhhh my god the pain in the body has been debilitating.. brought me to tears when even the kitten crawled across my body for a snuggle... Buffalo says 5 days and i should be on my feet again.. more or less.. well i am on day 4.. so only 2 more days of THIS.. THIS whatever to survive..

and as much as i hate to bore you all with the continuing saga or maybe drama over at Freedom's Place... but a 'vanilla' wrote an extremely good piece sometime over the weekend that made me sit up and take notice.. (well sit up as much as i can with this pain ridden body!) i am parphasing here.. he said he wasn't into BDSM.. and that he didn't want to read about it...... yet there it was.. in his face... and all i could think was about our rule of consensual...... we don't play in public so why am i trying to 'play' in public??? wrong wrong wrong.. 20 lashes with a wet noodle for me.. (because truthfully folks a wet noodle is all this body can handle right now) He made note of the fact that he was allowing his real face to be put on this blog.. that he wanted his children to come there to read... and wow it just kinda hit me like a punch in the stomach.. He is right.. i do NOT have my real picture up there... i do not encourage my children to read there or here for that matter.. and THEY know all about BDSM.. i have decided to withdraw my BDSM entries from Freedom's Place... it just isn't consensual or fair...

On a brighter note.. i did enjoy the Butterfly shop that The Michael created for me.. so when i get His permission i may just bring it over to my fictional journey.. and play with it there.. somedays i think it would be fun.. in real life.. to run a Bed and Breakfast dungeon.. come for the night.. play to your heart's content.. good hearty breakfast in the morning to send you on your way........

And i was thinking why we all blog........ our moment in the sun?? our frustrated Hemmingway's shining through?? The one thing i have noticed is on the (what i call the "real") blogs we talk about life from every vantage point.. the good and the bad and the ugly... and people comment especially on the bad bits.. "i am so sorry".. "sending you hugs" that sort of thing.. i have done the same thing.. when words fail you .. sometimes it is enough just to know there are folks out there reading and offering some platitudes of comfort.. i wonder why some people feel the need to be blunt and almost hurting in their comments?? they claim they are being honest.. and true friends and better than those who offer platitudes........ but personally i just want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine......... which i have been known to do.. sadly .. and lost a couple of "friends" in the process... and now i am watching one of those past friends struggling.. and i daren't offer even a "hug" for support.. i would like to offer some hard learned advise....... but i won't do that either.. my dear mother taught me "never put yourself on their level"..

And on that note dear friends.. i will take my weary body back off to bed.. with juice and pills and heating pads......... may the flu gods fly over your homes and visit your enemies.....

thanks...

i am not sure who i should thank for this wonderful Canuk bug that i have contracted.. i would like to blame Buffalo - seeing as he started it...... but something tells me it is my kiddies at school who were all dropping like flies this past week......
Whatever the cause........ i am down for the count..........

so much for desires and needs and wants..

long time..

It has been a long time since i received a "good" session.... we won't go back over all the reasons....it is enough to say it has been a long time........ but there are only 2 days left till the weekend.. and i am feeling the first beginnings of what i have come to call "the itch".. starting in my lower belly..........

i try to ignore it.. i try NOT to think about it.. i keep saying over and over like it is some mantra .. not my needs/wants not my needs/wants........ is it working?? Honestly i don't think so... my body is straining against the vanilla bonds that have been placed on it.. and it is strange.. during my 2 weeks sabbatical i honestly thought i could / would just walk away from everything BDSM.... i would become a hermit.. i didn't need anyone !! i am a tough old bird... (another kind of mantra i have )...

And yet as the 2 weeks went on i started fantasizing about what i could actually do to myself to satisfy the need for pain (sort of like the "need for speed" but just a tad different)... i pictured myself playing with needles and bull dog clamps and all sorts of manner of toys... so maybe i couldn't really walk away from the need inside.....

But i digress the weekend is coming and my mind is full of wonderful pictures.. wonderful feelings.. they come in waves no matter how much i try and suppress them.......

BUT those pictures don't belong here on the "reality" blog.. i am putting them up on my Photojournal (see link on the right).. and please don't go to view them if you are a bit screamish...... please?? these are pretty extreme photos.. well extreme for me.....

Thinking

There are times that i get caught up in the moment...... my knee jerk reactions are infamous by now........ sadly.

i love writing fiction... sometimes my fingers fly across the keys producing a story without much thought... sometimes i struggle with the plot/theme / words period... but i love writing!

Well my knee jerk reaction got me started writing fiction .. BDSM fiction yet!! on a vanilla blog.............. shoot me now ok??? sometimes i can just be so damn ... blonde !!! Why i ever thought it was going to work is beyond me.. completely and totally beyond me!! i thought .. at the time.. that those who were interested would read... the rest would simply pass me by...... WRONG! ok so now i have learned a valuable lesson......... my fiction is going back where it belongs.. on the Fictional Journey. Besides...... BDSM is not fiction.. it is what we do.. who we are.. and i am beginning to think i did the community a disservice by my dabblings.

god only knows what i will contribute to the vanilla blog........ recipes maybe?? politics?? now that would throw some folks.. me writing political entries !!

All i know for sure......... is BDSM is still basically taboo in the vanilla world... so i am moving it back into the "closet".

Tinkerbell is doing better..

Tinkerbell is doing much better.......... must have been all the clapping i heard (small smile) ... thank you

It was a long afternoon...with lots of talking.. hard talking... and yeah crying....... it was so difficult to get all the words out there.. all the pain.. all the fears and disappointments - on both sides.

There was a big part of me that felt we had taken the fantasized BDSM and tried to make it real.. tried to make it 24/7... some things just don't work with an old body and creaky joints.. and neighbours that walk right past the windows.. like being naked.. or sitting on the floor all the time..

i think we made the mistake of taking some form and trying to use it without any alterations ... now we have taken that form and have already made some big changes to it.. Some fantasies work.. some don't... not for us.. maybe for others but most definitely not for us........

Once the talking was over.. and He held me close and let me feel safe wrapped up in His arms again.. He placed my collar around my neck again. i am owned again.. well not really again.. as it turns out He never intended not to STILL own me.. as we discussed .. He knew exactly what He intended.. the unfortunate thing was .. i didn't have a clue.. i just had an order .. an empty house.. and broken heart.

Now i feel as though we are perched on the top of that proverbial speed bump i talk about.. Sir has gone home to write up new rules.. hopefully more workable rules.. more workable protocols.. i am left to work through the last of the hurt and pain.. and remember no matter what He is just a phone call away........

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and as i went downstairs - after writing the above blog entry.. sitting on the little table on the landing was this fairy .. waiting for me .. watching over me.. left by my Sir as He slipped quietly out of the house last night.. and oh yes i cried again !!!

Just believe..

When i was a little girl, my parents took me to see Peter Pan in the theater.. it wasn't something that happened very often (seeing movies in theaters!) there just wasn't enough money left over at the end of the month........

i must have been 3 or 4 when i saw the movie.. it was my first.. and has been my life long favourite.. There was just something about Peter Pan never growing up that hit home with me... and now years later i tend to say i have a "Peter Pan" complex.. i never want to grow up.

Maybe my love of fairies came from that movie.. Tinkerbell was my favourite character.. ohhhhhh how i dreamed of having my own tinkerbell who would spread fairy dust on me and make me fly.. i could see myself flying around my bedroom and swooping out the window...........

and i remember the saddest part of the movie.. when Tinkerbell was poisoned and dying.. and Peter Pan looked right out at me!! and asked if i believed in fairies.. and if i did i had to clap .. or shout or something - i honestly don't remember what was said.. i DO remember clapping my hands so hard they hurt.. with tears running down my face.. Tinkerbell just couldn't die !!!!

For some strange reason .. i woke early this morning.. feeling like i needed to "believe" today.. i needed everyone to believe in fairies.. well not fairies per say.. but in fairy tales... because this relationship with Sir is an awful lot like a fairy tale for me.. and i have always wanted a "happy ever after" ending..It has been two weeks since Sir walked out of the house... it has been two weeks since i was forbidden to have any contact with Him..Today He is coming here after lunch and we are gonna "talk" ...

and i am nervous and want to believe.. i really want to believe in fairies and fairy tale endings......... i am clapping can you hear me??

Discussions..

i have been having a number of "discussions" with myself over the last couple of days...

Ever feel like everything you touch/say/do is just a major screw up??? (big breathe) well that is how i am feeling today.......

It all started two days ago when i posted a little lecture on Freedom's Place about the BDSM symbol and the meaning of "said" symbol.... i have been a little leery about starting any BDSM discussion there and thought i had picked a rather non-scary /non-threatening topic.. WRONG!!! Turns out i ruffled more than a few feathers by using the term "vanilla". Ok.. now i really want an opinion here.. have any of YOU ever thought about the use of the word vanilla.. and how it might be insulting?? Is this some term that should be kept secret?? (psssst.. know what we call the "others"?? "vanilla" ) like it is dirty word.......

Then.. to top off my week...... i have hurt my Sir ........ again. He is upset / hurt that i took my collar off. It made perfect sense to me at the time..... obviously i was very wrong... and yeah you can all yell at me and tell me i was wrong.. tell me only the Master/Dom has the right to remove it.......... but at the time it made sense to me......

so i am feeling just a tad like a screw up today...... feeling just a tad like i should find a nice big hole .. climb in and pull the top in over me..........

are things ever gonna feel better??

the possibility

Sir and i are talking.......
we are re-negotiating..
we are sharing.........
we are finding a new beginning..
a possiblity.