lost

i have lost my focus .. my anchor.. my life..

i am going away for now.........

There is just no way to deal with any of this here.. or there.. or anywhere..

taking a step back........

A few days ago i questioned who had the right to "teach" in this lifestyle .......... and then for some stupid reason i fell into the pattern of "teaching" in a way.. here in my blog... i don't feel that was right.

Who AM i to think i can explain what BDSM is all about?? how a good subbie looks or acts?? What made me the expert??

The last few days i have been feeling an incredible sadness.. deep inside me. Every so often the BDSM gods come down and slap me upside the head - showing me i am a spiteful, willful, subbie. i kid and joke and say frequently "i am a good subbie" but deep down inside i know i am failing at that job.

it started a couple of days ago when i read how kaya had grabbed her Master's hand and blocked Him from doing something............. and i could hear my own Sir's words ringing in my ears - "do you have the right to block me??" i do it all the time... i will wiggle out of the way.. i will grab His hand .. i will stop Him.. and as Sir put it so clearly on Friday - when He pushes...........i push back.

The cheeky sub is cute.. like a misbehaving child.. someone else's misbehaving child!...people who know me .. joke with Sir and i about how i am always getting into trouble.. how i like to be in trouble.... and that is the impression i have created.. no one else.. just me.. i am to blame Mea Culpa!

For the record .. i don't like being in trouble .. not real trouble.. it makes me feel sick to my stomach.. it ties my stomach up in knots.. it gives me bad dreams and disrupts my sleep... i think... no i know.. it is time for me to revamp my persona.. most say i can't do it.. it is just too much a part of who i am..........BUT it is important to me to make my Sir proud.. i am not making Him proud right now.. and more importantly i am not proud of me.........

One step back .. maybe two...... time to re-think......

Love and Bonding..

All the questions that i have been answering these days have led to more questions in my own mind...... one of the questions that has been rolling around in my head is.. (kind of my own spin on Can you be slave and not live with your Dom 24/7??) Can you be collared to a Dom and NOT love Him?? Is it possible to keep any and all deep emotions out of the equation??

i am not entirely sure i can answer my own question...... but ya all know me.. i am gonna try. Simple answer is.. NO.. i don't believe you can be collared to a Dom and not eventually fall in love.

i believe women tend to confuse emotions (some of us. .and some times). We confuse attention and affection as love. We confuse caring and protection as love. (remember these are just my opinions)

Men on the other hand tend to see their role in life as protector and champion of the weaker sex. Love does not play into this equation.. They will defend/protect any female (for the most part)

And we all know from the many different books and theories and psychological studies that have been done that men and women do not think alike.. hells bells even our brains are different.

Therefore.. take one female sub/slave.. and one Dominant male.. put them together in a relationship that requires her to turn over control .. put all her trust in this one person.. allowing Him to use her .. and her body as it suits His will and needs... and if nothing else .. a bond will form between the two. How can it not?? There is a whole mess of trust that comes into play (or should) before a woman allows herself to be tied up and beaten.. or needled.. or whatever. AND then.. for good measure.. throw in some sex play .. and if you ask me you have a receipe for disaster. The female is going to .. eventually.. start processing all this trust .. caring.. sex.. as love.. The male is not going to necessarily have the same reaction to this process.

No matter what is said at the beginning of a BDSM relationship.. no matter what promises are made .. no matter what the damn contract says.. one cannot order the heart not to fall in love.... at least not the female heart.

When Sir and i were first together.. we both agreed it was just for play time.. there were no deep feelings going to arise. Sir was already involved with another female.. She was dominant as well. The original plan was to have Sir and i play together and form a bond of sorts.. and then She would join us and we would form a triad. i was more concerned about landing up having feelings for Her than for Sir.. (weird as that sounds now). Sir and i had a sort of date every Friday - if He was free and if i could get off work early. It was not set in stone.. and certainly in the beginning we didn't see each other every Friday.

But with time.. we started to see each other every Friday.. and sometimes on Saturday.. and once a month on Sunday at the local munch. There were weekends we virtually saw each other every day, for a few hours at least. Things did not really work out as planned as far as forming a triad. But we all continued to mix and match and see each other together and sometimes separately. But the day came when i started to feel like "the other woman". It was a bad time for me. She and i talked.. and She assured me that everything was ok with her.

BUT .. despite all the best laid plans of mice and men........ i realized i was starting to have strong feelings for Sir........ i wasn't supposed to.. it wasn't planned... i .. more than anyone else.. did NOT expect it to happen........... BUT somewhere between the first bondage session.. and the long flogging sessions with sex thrown in for "dessert".. my heart didn't listen to my head. It just happened. And no one was more surprised than i was.. trust me!

You see............ i had been living with a woman for a number of years when i met Sir.. i had identified myself as lesbian. (it just seemed simpler at the time). i was NOT looking for another male in my life when i met Sir.. i was strong! my heart was hard ! i was a tough old bird. BUT despite all that....... the unimaginable happened... i fell in love with Sir.

That is why i honestly believe that a submissive or a slave will find it next to impossible not to have love - or some other strong emotional bond happen with their Dominant. AND given time.. i also believe that the mixed up feelings that are identified as "love" can and do grow to become love......... hopefully between both parties.. but unfortunately sometimes both parties don't.. and then there are broken hearts.. and hurt feelings.. and confusion - especially on the part of the male Dominant who just doesn't understand what He did wrong.

Response To Taxi Driver...(long)

Taxi Driver asked:
Could you talk about being made to cum in the middle of a beating.

Something i learned a long time ago was that i could be made to cum just from the crop being used rhythmically against my clit.. with just the right heaviness..not too heavy .. not too light.. the most embarassing moment of my subbie life with Sir was one night at a friend's - with lots of light BDSM activity going on.. Sir wanted to demonstrate my ability to cum with only the crop .. He had me (i was naked at the time) lie on the floor on my back with my pink private bits facing Him and bend my knees up so that i was open and exposed to Him. Then with the other Dom sitting beside Him watching everything (it still makes me blush to think about it) Sir proceeded to crop my pink private bits.. and yes i came... and yes i was terribly embarassed. Another time Sir and i were playing downstairs with another couple.. The Dom said afterwards to me that i made the most "interesting" sounds when i was being beaten... i could feel the blushes coming again.. i KNEW what He was referring to.. it had been a very sensous night of beatings.. and i was very close to cumming - in fact Sir allowed me to cum a couple of times just from the floggings....

All of that is to say that i am a masochist and it turns me on to be beaten.. BUT the session has to be sensous.. it has to be about me.... When Sir does the usual session - fast and hard and with every intention of putting me out there with my fairies i do NOT cum just from the floggers or the crop or the whip........ it takes more.. It takes Sir's fingers sliding between my legs.. sliding into me.. finding that spot.. that special spot and rubbing it... Sometimes it gets very confusing.. i am enjoying the pain.. and almost "there" and He stops to play with me and sometimes i pout.. i am rarely allowed to cum with the first fingers playing.. usually - most times - Sir will do it 2 or 3 times.. bring me just to climax then pull out fast and rough and hard.. teaching me that He controls the orgasms not me!! Usually Sir has managed to stroke my wetness enough to have it running down my legs - filling the room with my musky scent. That in itself is enough to drive me deeper into myself. And Sir loves to wipe His wet hands across my ass so that it is soaking wet before He picks up the flogger again....... do you have any idea how much more it hurts to be hit on wet skin??!!

My orgasm is usually the last thing that happens.. usually! Sometimes Sir will give me a couple more minutes of floggings / whippings before He takes me down.. but usually that signals the end.. Orgasm is another BIG activator of endorphins.. which just explains why ... on the nights that Sir plays with me sexually as well that i fly higher than usual.

Taxi Driver also asked:
Also talk about rewards and positive reinforcement.

This is a good topic.. because it makes me stop and think.......... rewards and positive reinforcement shouldn't be something that one "sees" clearly.. they should be a woven thread into the tapestry of life.. and blend in with the daily routines...

Yes Sir uses them... the most obvious reward is a good session.....perhaps indulging some private desire i have. A good example is once a few years back .. Sir wished to hold a "lock down party" at a club.. (that is where only invited guests come.. and a time is set for the doors to be locked and if you aren't there by that time too bad so sad! the doors are locked) i worked hard organising this event.. from inviting the guests to organising the pot luck meal .. to making sure the club was spotlessly clean and ready for us. When we are hosting a party i seldom if ever have a session with Sir.... the equipment - the time is set aside for our guests.. my duty is to make sure that the everything runs smoothly and everyone has whatever it is they need...
Well just as this party was winding down....... Sir took me up to one piece of equipment and strung me up.. He laid out the toys carefully.. and He warmed me up.. the play area was set a little bit above the rest of the club.. sort of on a low stage.. everyone was sitting at the tables talking and winding down........... After Sir had warmed me up nicely.. He made a little speech.. something about how hard i had worked to make the party happen...... and how proud He was of the job i had done........ and then He invited anyone who wished to thank me to come up and select one of my toys and use it on me. i don't remember how many took Him up on His offer.. i don't remember too much of what happened after that actually.. i do remember it took me a whole lot longer to dismantle the party than it did to set it up.. (cheeky grin) That was a wonderful "reward" for me.. as i have always had this secret (well not so secret now) desire to be spanked/flogged / whipped by many Dominants and switches - more so that i can experience how others do it.. and more to see if i can take it !!

As for positive reinforcements........ mostly they come from within myself.. just knowing i am doing a good job of serving Sir ... From time to time Sir will snuggle into my ear and whisper "I am proud of you" or "you did a good job" and my heart swells and makes all the work or pain or whatever worth it! positive reinforcements are for me quiet words spoken from the heart to the heart.

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day 9 - i needed to refocus myself tonite.. not much energy left.. so i did 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga

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i have posted to my photojournal...... see link at the right.

Just an early morning laugh...

Wise Old Indian Chief

Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent by the President to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied . "When white man found the land,
Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty
beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian
man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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thanks to my friend pat for sending me this.......... everyone can use a good laugh from time to time...
regular blog entry will be back this afternoon ..

subspace

Subspace is one the most difficult topics i can think of to explain to someone. i use the term 'dancing with my fairies'. But there is a whole science behind subspace and the endorphins that bring on the rush.

Endorphins are a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieve pain. They have a similiar structure to morphine. One of the best ways to release these chemicals is pain. And .. like with morphine .. endorphins are addictive... just ask any runner who feels the "adrenaline rush". If you want more of the scientific data.. you can simply google "endorphins".. what i want to try and explain is how it looks and feels to Sir and to me.

When Sir starts a session, i grind my teeth, dance a jig, cry, sometimes yell... it doesn't feel good, hell being hit with a flogger or a whip , or having needles pushed into your body HURTS! And that is what the brain is saying.. OUCH OUCH OUCH... Then there is something that happens in my brain....... i see the pain as waves.. BIG ones.. and i start my mental climb upwards to get on top of them. I deepen my breathing.. i focus on something.. it can be a shiny spot on the wall.. or a mark in the paint... anything...

Then at some point.. i feel it.. i feel the endorphins kick in. i can't explain it very well... i just feel a connection with the flogger or the whip.. i feel a calmness spread over my body... my muscles relax...When Sir talks to me - or asks me a question...... i find it difficult to put the words together to answer Him. i can hear the words in my brain - but it takes all my focus / energy to spit them out. Sir has one question He asks me over and over during a session. He will ask me " who loves you?" and my answer is "my Sir does".. then He will ask "how do you know?" and i answer "because He beats my ass". That's how it looks from my side....

From Sir's side i am quite sure it is a completely different view. First of all there is always the "monster" inside that i believe all Doms fight to keep in check. There is the total sense of power He has over me.. over my body. And i believe there is a sexual arousal.. maybe animalistic?? i am not sure how to phrase it. (and i have a feeling Sir may not be too flattered by that description). i also know it has taken Sir a long time to be totally and completely comfortable with my spacing out on Him. It HAS to be a scary thing for a Dom to be flogging the life out of another human being... to be hearing her cries and yelps.... and He must be questioning what kind of man He is. (at least in the beginning)

At one point - i think it was before Sir came up with the questions to judge my state of mind - He used to stop in mid hit almost and thrust His fingers between my legs. i can remember at the beginning being embarrassed by the wetness that He would find there..later on i came to believe that it was necessary for Sir to feel that wetness.... it showed Him i was enjoying the pain.. it was OK!

It must be difficult as well for Sir to watch the change that comes over me.. He strings up a woman - and takes down (as Sir puts it ) a 4 year old. It must have been very difficult for Sir to figure out what to do with me. AND i am more than a little certain that to this day He doesn't fully understand what it is i experience. How could He?? How can anyone who doesn't go where i go?? It is as difficult for me to understand where Sir goes in His head during this time.

The after care - which is just so damn important to this dance we do together - brings us both back to earth... a gentle bump into the fairy dust.

And all of this is because of a little thing called endorphin.

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day 7 - i wondered where those endorphins were when i was lying in my bed this morning with a migraine!!! but the pain has down graded to a simple headache so 25 minutes with Robin Williams and the treadmill.

Questions.......

The other day i was reading one of the submissive blogs and found that she had asked a whole mess of questions... i rather enjoyed answering them for her - briefly - and also asked if i could use her questions as a jumping off point for some of my blog entries - to which she agreed - thank you mian

So without further ado......... Today's question is: Can one be a slave and not be physically 24/7...not live together etc..... Can one be owned and not be a slave? Not be 24/7?

For the purpose of this 'discussion' i am going to clump slave and submissive together.. mainly because i struggle with the two terms... and Sir and i do not agree on the differences.......(if you are interested .. i believe a slave is higher than a submissive on the ladder of BDSM - Sir does not agree. i would love to be able to call myself slave.. but i have not yet - in my opinion - reached the level of commitment / obedience / whatever that i see in slaves.... (again Sir does not agree with me )

To answer the first part of the question.. i would say yes!! one can be a slave and not live 24/7 with their Master....... however i would think that there would have to be some sort of connection between them during the times they are apart. Daily email journals.. or daily chats on line..perhaps even tasks to be completed daily so that the slave feels she is being used .. and useful. As i have said before...... Sir and i do not (because of life commitments) live together Monday - Thursday. This in no way makes me any less of a submissive than someone who lives 24/7 - at least not in my opinion. There are a lot of times that it is harder to follow the routines / protocols whatever you wish to call them..... when one's Master is not living with them. It takes a lot of inner strength to continue to toe the line when Sir is not here to make sure i do.. or reprimand me when i forget.. which is why i have so many knee jerk reactions - BUT i am working on it!!

Now the second part of the question.. can one be owned and not be a slave - not be 24/7. This one forces me to state a definition of slave and submissive. And i do believe that 'mian' sees the two much the same way i do.

A slave to me is totally and completely owned. Any work they do (outside the home) is done only with the Master's blessing.. if He says no work they don't work. If they do work - any and all monies earned are turned over to the Master. The slave buys nothing for themself.. The slave makes no decisions for themselves - not even to the food they eat. All responsibilities for every day life are taken care of by the Master. The slave is only there to please the Master.. to fulfill His wishes/desires. If this person was owned.. and fulfilled those requirements and more then i would say they would be slave........ even if they weren't living 24/7 with their Master.

i would add a little more to the question.. can one be a submissive / slave and not be owned?? and my answer would be yes. At least for me....... i am submissive by nature and nurture (again something i have said many times before) ... There have been times in my life where i wasn't owned... but i was still very much submissive in my heart. During those times i was frequently stressed and unhappy.. and very unfocused, but i was still submissive. i live for the anchor of the collar.. of knowing who it is i am to please before anyone else.

And thus ends today's discussion.
(edited later in the evening.......... Sir says i sound like a preacher ending my blog this way... i will end all further discussions on BDSM by saying something along the lines of "getting off my soap box " which beats Sir's suggestion of "Go my children and play safe"...)

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today was day 6 and i did 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga..... before i went off to do it.. i was thinking how much i enjoyed having 2 days off from exercising this weekend. AND .. (i know i am gonna live to regret this........ BUT !!!) i was thinking how...IF Sir wanted to punish me for some infraction.. an added day of exercise on the weekends would work wonders....

The Reality

There is another "safety" device in place for those that are interested in learning the BDSM ways....... and that is classes. Yeah really .. people actually offer and take classes in everything from how to flog to how to cut to how to play with fire.
i have always had a little problem with people teaching others.......... maybe and probably because i am a teacher... but i wonder what made these people experts on the subject.. who trained them?? did they learn off the net? did they learn by trial and error?? what makes them a teacher of said subject??

i know that bit sounded a tad disdainful and i most certainly don't mean to put anyone down who tries to educate the newbies.. and the lurkers and the wannabes and anyone else interested... heaven's !! Sir and i have taken a course or two in our time together... it's just i have always wondered who decides who is teacher/Master or whatever in a community that still hides in the shadows???

However that isn't really what i want to discuss this morning....... BUT it is commonly taught in BDSM 101 .. that when one is having a session with a submissive the first rule is.. WARM UP. It is clearly declared a big NO ! NO! if you just tie up the submissive and go at her (or him) with no warm up. that is definitely a foul - not nice - play fair. Another biggy is a thing called wrap around... that is when the whip or the flogger happens to wrap around the body catching unsuspecting body parts in the front of the body....... another big NO NO!! another foul!! not nice - play fair.

Now here is my reality......... Sir plays any way He sees fit. Last night is a good case in point. We hadn't played hard for a very long time.. i was more than a little nervous about facing the wall of toys and the cross... Sir wasn't the least bit worried (hell why should He have been - He wasn't gonna be on the receiving end!!) Now it would have been nice if Sir had taken that class on warm ups being a necessity.. but i do believe He skipped that class........ cause last night the first toy Sir took down off the wall - right after He strung me up to the cross - was the "sting of a 1000 bees" flogger.

AND trust me folks when i say i was hopping from foot to foot crying (more like blubbering) and praying to the BDSM gods that He would tire of that toy pretty damn fast !!! He didn't but i prayed!) There was the whip that wrapped around my hip and caught my pretty pink bits rather nastily.. and the wooden sword thingy that left me with an ass that was as hard as the wood that sword was made out of.......

AND all of this was done on an ass that the night before Sir had cut up with His new knives...

Can i say OUCH??!!!! twice over.

But you know what folks?? Sir played with me hard for over an hour.. He fucked me and didn't let me cum.. and played some more.... and finally i was allowed to cum and He took me down off the cross and i was so far out there floating around with my fairies that i don't remember much of anything till this morning. Am i a happy lil subbie?? You betcha !! did i scream foul?? nope!! Was this exactly what i wanted and needed despite all those expert's warnings and teachings?? You betcha !!!

The point i think i am trying to make is......... that there is a lot of 'stuff' on the net about how to play.. how to be a BDSMer...... how to do it all safely.. SSC or R.A.C.K. or whatever else you wanna call it... but the truth of the matter is.......... it is only important that what happens between you and your partner is what you both want to have happen........... and when the toys are back on the wall..and the ropes and chains put to bed for the night and the lights are turned off..that your Dom takes you in His arms.. holds you tight.. whispers in your ear .. kisses your hair softly and brings you back down to earth with a soft bump on lots of fairy dust.......

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and for those keeping track - i stopped at day 5 - weekends will be my free time.. monday will be day 6

RACK

Yes the above is a rack .. but i am not going to talk about that type of rack today .. drool over that type of rack yes.. talk about it no!

Yesterday i talked a little bit about "safe sane and consensual" ... a bit of a cliché.. and used - in my opinion - far too much with very little thought. i touched briefly on how what we do is not "safe" nor is it "sane" to most folk and as much as it should be "consensual" often times it moves beyond consensual.

There is another term going the rounds of the community and that term is R.A.C.K. - translated it means "Risk-Aware Consensual Kink". Let's take a little look at this term..

RISK - what we do involves a certain degree of risk.. and we all know that going in... even with the best laid plans something can go wrong and we accept that fact. Personally i believe risk makes it more difficult for the vanilla folk to accept.. safe makes it sound nice and fun and well safe.. RISK makes it sound dangerous and threatening and OH MY GOD You do WHAT??!!

AWARE - now that we have admitted that there is some risk of injury .. and we still want to go ahead and do it... we are being (in my opinion) far more honest.. and we are taking responsibility for ourselves. After much thought we have decided that this activity is SANE for us.. maybe not for you.. but it is for us.

Consensual - consensual is for me a grey area.. when Sir and i first started playing.. everything was very consensual - on both sides!!! But as time has gone on.. we have raised the bar time and time again.. we have NOT (ok ok those purists out there can slap me down right now!) renegotiated what it is we are going to do.. i have trust that Sir will keep my best interests at heart.. that He will be fully aware of what it is He is doing.. and He will keep a very close eye on me .......... and my body language.. because folks .. here's a novel idea.. some times a submissive will be so far gone in subspace that she cannot call a safe word.. she can't even say STOP... so the Dom had better damn well be paying close attention!

KINK - i like this one.. because what i do may bore the hell out of you.. or it may scare the hell out of you.. and that works both ways...... there are most definitely things about this lifestyle that i do not like .. will never do.. but hey.. if you like it.. if it is your KINK.. then i will defend your right to do it!!!

And so there you have it.. R.A.C.K. rather than safe sane and consensual.........
But ya know what?? in the final analysis whether ya call it "safe sane and consensual" or R.A.C.K. it is what we do.......

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day 5 - 2o minutes with Robin and the treadmill..

SSC

For some people BDSM is something they can't wrap their heads around. It is an illegal act. It is a community who live mostly in the shadows. It certainly is nowhere near as bad as it was a few decades ago.. where you had to know someone who knew someone who knew someone else. It was about secret codes and hidden clubs. Today it is more open.. mostly i think thanks to the internet. (though a lot of what one reads on here is what i like to call smoke and mirrors and you most definitely can NOT believe all you read - even if they promise to be real live people who really do - honest true - live the lifestyle!!)

BUT real life BDSM is about negotiations and honesty and trust and contracts and being safe .. sane and consensual. ( oh i have done a whole spiel about safe sane and consensual - and how 'safe' can a lot of what we do actually be... and how sane can it look to another.. and how consensual can it be if we turn over control ... so i won't do all that again.. for the purpose of today's "lecture" it will be safe sane and consensual)

The consensual aspect involves more than just the two parties ....... in my opinion. It also involves the vanilla world. i don't believe we should flaunt our lifestyle in the faces of those who don't live it.. don't understand it.. and don't want to. For example - i would not kneel at Sir's feet in public. Sir would not have me strip in the grocery store (ohhh i think there are times He might like the idea - but He wouldn't) .. because it simply wouldn't be consensual for the other folk in the shop. Munches (dinner get togethers where the local community comes together at a restaurant for a meal and good conversation) are a great example of how we must be take into consideration the vanilla folk......... the families that are also frequenting the restaurant. We must blend in.. behave.. and remember our 'party manners'.

i read a blog today that discussed zoophilia. It made me cringe.. it made me want to throw something... and i am a big defender of the "your kink my kink" belief system. BUT how can it be consensual if one of the parties is an animal??? How can an animal give their consent??? ugh.. it just downright bugs me.. the whole idea.

i am not entirely sure .. now that i have come this far.. where exactly i was going with this... except maybe that it makes me angry that some one's kink is not safe sane or consensual (ok ok by my standards!) and people are posting about it on the net... and other people are reading it and lumping us BDSMers altogether ........ and that rattles me.

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day 4 and 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga - and i am feeling sooooooooo good about myself ! which is a major plus!

Rules......

Once a long time ago Sir and i discovered (i can't remember who found them first - but i suspect it was Sir) a site that had 124 Rules for submissives..... i went looking today and found them .. not on the original site but nevertheless the same rules.. 124 Rules!!!

Most of them made me roll my eyes...... some of them made sense... but what i couldn't get over was the number - 124!! who could remember all of them??? i doubt even the Dominant who wrote them would be able to remember all of them... and then .. what is the point??? If a rule is not remembered it can easily be broken.. if the submissive is not corrected immediately it will and can lead to trouble.. so why 124???

i have rules to live by .. most certainly NOT 124...... but still i have rules. i am not sure Sir or i have ever actually counted them. Sometimes i joke with other submissives about rules.. i say the only rule that one needs to remember is rule #1 which says "The Dominant is always right".. rule #2 says when in doubt refer to rule #1. But all joking aside rules are important. They help keep things running smoothly. Submissives need rules - boundaries - so that they know they are cared for and loved.

So why am i going on today about rules?? Because i broke one of the simplest rules going... always ask for permission before doing anything! Simple right?? So how do i forget it?? i call it a knee jerk reaction.. Sir says He is going to have to do something about my knees! and know what?? i agree with Him.

Sometimes i am impulsive.. i get going on something and get all involved and unfocused and next thing i know i have committed to something.. or bought something or done something without permission. i believe it is a character fault.. this impulsiveness of mine. It lands me in trouble all the time.. with Sir and within my vanilla life.

Sir says He is working on a punishment for my latest knee jerk.......i deserve it...... promising not to do it again is no good.. and as i tell my kiddies at school.. saying you're sorry only works when you change the behaviour........ i wish i knew how to change my knee jerks..........

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day 3 - 20 minutes with Robin Williams and the treadmill.

Freedom

Have you ever thought about 'freedom'?? Usually i illustrate my blog entries - but there is no one picture that truly illustrates 'freedom'..... so use your imagination today.

The lifestyle i live (and share with many others) is not a lifestyle of 'freedom'. What we do... we do behind closed and locked doors. It is against the law. On the net i have found 'friends' who live the same lifestyle - and when i first started this blog those were the only links i had here on The Journey. Oh i read other blogs.. vanilla ones. i even commented occasionally .. but i kept my lifestyle as private as possible - not wanting to shock anyone or bring down the wrath of the right .. or is it left wing factions?? (maybe both) As time went on and no one seemed to object to me or my lifestyle (heck sometimes the vanilla folk even comment on here!!) i added to my links .. a vanilla section. They are good reads - trust me! i read my vanilla links as faithfully (maybe some days more faithfully) as i read my kinky 'friends'.

There is one blogger - The Michael - who had this inspiration to start a community blog... a community of 'friends' . He was very politically correct and invited suggestions from all who visit...for a name for this new community. He invited all interested parties to join this community. But what made me feel....... i don't quite know how to put it .... accepted?? validated?? acknowledged?? was that He invited me to join His little community of vanilla folk.... me - a dyed in the wool masochist. i accepted.

i have no idea what i will write for this new blog........ what i have to offer that won't send the vanilla masses screaming for cover....... add to that fact that i am very non-political and a pacifist and god only knows what i will write.

But today is the inauguration of this new blog entitled Freedom’s Place ...... i have added it to my vanilla link section........ if you have a free minute one day drop by and have a read.. considering the folk who have agreed to make up the population of this community i am sure there will be some good reading!!!

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day 2 - 20 minutes of non pretzel yoga

Day 1

i do not DO New Year's resolutions... i used to.. but who needs more stress in their lives.. by day 3 or 4 i had usually broken 90% of my resolutions and felt like i was 100% a failure.. It never occurred to me that i could start all over again on day 5 or 6 or 10 or 32 .. never occurred to me..... so i gave up doing New Year's resolutions (there are enough things in this life to make one feel like a failure - i honestly didn't need to add more reasons)

i saw the doctor last week......... she explained why i had been feeling "poorly" for the last month.. no i wasn't dying... my meds just needed to be tweaked ......... again. My meds have been tweaked so many times in the last 3 years i am beginning to wonder if they will ever get it figured out...... but each time she tweaks my meds i believe .. i hope.. this is THE time it will work. This is day 5 of my tweaked meds... i think i am feeling better. i am almost afraid to say i am feeling better cause it might jinx it.. but i do have a little more energy..everyone say "Hallelujah!"

On the weekend in Vermont.. Sir took me to Barnes and Nobles - my all time favourite bookstore.. mind you most bookstores are my favourite .. i love books. While we were there i found a book on health.. and in it there was a section on yoga. i used to do yoga.. it was....once upon a time.. one of my New Year's resolutions. So you know what happened to my yoga. This book had easier than easy yoga exercises.. yoga done on a stool. Yoga that didn't require tying yourself into impossible pretzel shapes that left one's joints aching for days. This held possiblities...
Today i was thinking about my treadmill.. and these yoga exercises.. and my new portable DVD player... and i had a revelation. Not a major one.. just one of those teeny tiny sparks of light. i thought to myself.. i could maybe possibly go home and put a DVD in the DVD player and climb aboard my treadmill and go for a little walk. OR maybe even pull out the yoga exercises and the stool and try them. i didn't promise myself anything... i didn't threaten myself.. i just thought about it.

When i got home i took down the outdoor lights and decorations and packed them away. i came upstairs and sat down here on blogger and thought about doing an entry. Then i thought about my treadmill and my Robin Williams DVD ( i LOVE Robin Williams!!) Then i got up and went and found Robin Williams and asked him if he would like to come and entertain me while i went for a little walk on day 1.



Twenty minutes of laughter and sweating. i turned off the machine and came back upstairs. Ok i thought to myself.. day 1... maybe tomorrow i will pull out the stool and try those yoga exercises for day 2... maybe........who knows.. but it is NOT a New Year's resolution or anything like that.. i don't DO New Year's resolutions.

Peeking in.........

Someone told me today it was over........ all the holidays.. all the entertaining.. all the noise and confusion and mess and fuss........ Tomorrow i return to school.

It has been a frantically busy.. emotional holiday for me........ Today i will finally.. thank god... it's about bloody time.....take down the Christmas tree and drag all the boxes of tinsel and baubles and greenery back downstairs to the cupboard....... and turn my house back into the organized orderly home i love and cherish.

Sometime in the next couple of weeks i am going to have to come to terms with my youngest daughter and her desire for a wedding... and all the emotional baggage that comes along with that one !! "The family"doesn't care according to her...... she wants to have a destination wedding - i call it eloping - that makes her cry... i want a nice quiet simple wedding ... her father doesn't want to know about any of it.. according to this FATHER???? she shouldn't have had the babies first.......... god all i want to do is cut that man a new asshole!!! There is wayyyyyyyyy too much family baggage attached to him.. to this whole question of marriage..

think i am gonna find myself a nice big rock and hide underneath it......... AFTER i cut him a nice new asshole.... (grinding my teeth) and maybe it will all just go away...........

Sometimes it isn't easy being green..........

The Holiday that was....

It is ....to my amazement... January 2nd 2007. Somewhere .. somehow .. the first week of my holidays passed in a blur of entertaining... of meals to prepare and dishes to clean up..... it was fun but it was exhausting. i even managed to fulfill my self imposed commitment to Holidailies and posted 31 times during the month.

Today more than anything i wanted to take everything down.. every candle .. every wreath.. every santa.. every piece of tinsel and greenery, and turn my house back into my quiet orderly home. However....... in mid December .. when the excitement and goodwill and cheer were running hot through my veins.. i invited all my staff from school to dinner on January 4th! (yeah yeah shoot me now !!) So the decorations will stay up for another couple of days..... and i have one more meal / event to get ready for. But my heart and soul is ready to hibernate.. to shut down and lock down and hide till spring. Have i told you all i absolutely HATE winter??!!! My need to socialize has been fulfilled.. i need my center.. i need my routine.. i need my quiet back.. thank you very much !!! (i must indeed be getting old)

Sir and i hosted our Annual Kinky BDSM New Year's Day Open House yesterday. Sir and i have mixed feelings about the event. People didn't rsvp (why was i surprised??!!) and only about half of the invites came. Has everyone given up BDSM for the hoidays?? for life??

We were talking .. a little bit .. last evening about the number of folk who have passed through our lives.......... and disappeared. BDSM wasn't what they were looking for.. vanilla life beckoned...... and in a blink of an eye they were gone. (not forgotten - but most definitely gone). i remember a few years back - after a particular legal scare - talking to a submissive who said she and her Dom were going to disappear from public life .. at least until their children were grown... and something she said bothered me then.. bothers me today. She said "that the people who called themselves friends - would not be hanging around much longer .. that BDSM was all they had in common.. and they weren't really "friends" in the true sense of the word 'friends'. And i believe she was right......... the "friends" that have gone poof in our lives proves that. Just ships passing in the night...

Gets me thinking ... what are friends except folk you share a common interest with??? and when that common interest is gone...... so is the friendship. What is there to talk about - the weather - the state of the nation??

ugh.......i am being maudlin. i HATE being maudlin!! It is time (well on Friday) to pack up the holiday and store it away for another year........ and time to curl up and dream of summer and secret gardens and all the good books that await me.

On growing old.....

New Year's Eve........... 2006 retreating into relative obscurity and 2007 looming just over the horizon.

In past years we have partied with friends, either vanilla or BDSM, but this year we stayed quietly at home, and i didn't mind one little bit. The thought did flicker through my mind at one point that we - no *i* - am growing old, no longing to party till the wee hours of the morning just to see the first few minutes of a new year. There will be 525,600 minutes in this new year.. a few missed ones won't honestly matter one way or another.

i was content to sit at my Sir's feet and watch some TV and finish the plans (in my head) for today's Annual BDSM Kinky Open House (today from 5pm till whenever) i was just content to sit and vegetate and think about New Year's gone by.........

Sir announced somewhere around 9 that He needed an ass to beat. i looked around - but mine was the only ass around..... so downstairs we went. Now i do swear that Sir tried to use every single toy on the wall.. and there are 27 regular toys on the wall... Now IF Sir was trying for a total number of hits to match the year "2006" He would have had to hit me 74 times with each toy (give or take one or two)... IF however, Sir was simply trying to give me a total number of hits of 365 (number of days in the year) then He would have used each toy 13.5 times... ( how does He hit me 1/2 of a time with each toy?? not possible...)

Anyway whatever His goal - whatever His final destination - all i really remember was seeing my fairies of 2006 dancing around and whispering in my ear....... It was perhaps the very best way to finish off 2006 and welcome in 2007!! Perhaps a new tradition could be made???

(and despite no one's help picking a "story starter" i have managed to post my monthly offering to the Fictional Journey...... link on the right .. i do hope you enjoy !!)

Happy New Year one and all !!!