Thursday, September 22, 2016
I read a piece over on FL yesterday about a girl who couldn't scream (scream as in release the pain scream)
And it brought back a memory for me..... a memory that kinda went "hey I had that happen to me!"
She talked about going to a therapy session where the therapist wanted her to scream into a pillow. Years ago I was at a psychology training and at one of the workshops we were expected to scream -- a primal scream. I sat watching while one after another participant did their primal scream.... and then it was my turn. I sat staring ahead -- a deer caught in the headlights. Then I just stood up and walked out.
I hadn't thought about that day until yesterday. I learned very early on to bury my screams..... to bury my hurt and my pain. No one wanted to know -- it wasn't important. Amazing lesson to teach a child right?? That no one cares if you hurt....no one cares. You learn pretty damn fast to bury the pain that brings the screams. You learn to be silent.
You learn to bury the feelings -- the emotions -- to cry behind closed doors in the safety of the dark nights.
Because you mustn't ever attract attention...... be quiet ... be good....... don't cause a ripple. I got really good at it you know........ 'cause no one cared.
The 'puzzle pieces' I have been finding and fitting back into the frame that is me are smaller now -- not so obvious -- harder to see and harder to fit...... but the work continues -- albeit slowly.