Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Change





By now I am sure you all know I do not like change -- don't handle it well -- and stress over it.  

Hands told the wife and myself about a month ago that his shift was going to change from days to nights for about a month.  At the time I thought 'a month - that's not bad -- it could be permanent'  I also thought it wasn't my problem ..... that I would take this change in my stride and help the wife cope with it.

On Friday Hands told me the shift change was starting next Tuesday -- which is today.  I felt a small blip in my stomach -- but ignored it.  

Hands and I had some amazing private time on Sunday -- limits were pushed that left me feeling a little bit vulnerable and shaky.  And as our time together was coming to an end I felt the lump in my throat.  The reality of the changes were looming -- I couldn't ignore them anymore.

My life (as if you hadn't figured it out) is built on schedules.......  I knew what time was better than others to message the wife (in the morning before the gym), when I could contact Hands with requests -- or just to say hi.  BUT not now - now I really don't understand what his hours are -- 8 hour shifts or 10 hour shifts -- when will he be sleeping/awake.... and the wife - when will she be around to chat?? 

I know I know -- I am really being silly - it will all work out and new schedules I am sure will fall into place.  I will find my little space to fit in -- unobtrusively - quietly in the corner.

BUT yesterday and today I felt/feel shaky and anxious -- and of course it's not just about shift changes -- there were other emotional blips this weekend.  I can handle most anxieties if the foundation of my day to day life is solid... right now it doesn't feel that solid.

Last night Hands said "you have a core of iron deep inside you - if you look deep enough".  It doesn't feel like it........but core of iron or not -- I WILL figure this out -- I will NOT be a whiny clingy partner...... I will adjust and will find a new schedule to give me some stability!!  

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