Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Junkie

Hi - my name is morningstar and I am an addict.

I am addicted to pain - to edge play - to the endorphins these activities produce.  

The interesting thing (well to me anyway) is that once I am past the craving for pain I don't even think about it........(but it takes weeks and months for that to happen) and well if I do think about it - it is with fear and trepidation.  Pain hurts - and the pain W gives me can hurt real bad. 

But despite that.........  promise me pain........ give me a sniff of pain - and I am like a junkie - I want it I need it .. I sleep eat and dream pain.  And then get cranky (if you can call that mood cranky!?) when I don't get it.

I had gone months without any pain (real pain) before moving here.  And yeah I admit it I had visions of (daily) floggers and whips and needles and knives dancing in my head at the thought of living with W........... daily - hell I would have liked hourly.  

But we have been busy 

We have had contractors in and about for 2 months

We have had well meaning friends drop in for coffee

We have had just plain off days

Which means - 

no pain 

Yesterday W brought out the new carpet beater he bought in China Town on the weekend.  And almost from the first hit to the last I cried.  At first I cried cause dammit it hurt !!  And then I cried from relief. I needed this - I craved this........... pain and the ensuing endorphins center me - ground me - and - weird as this may sound - make me feel loved.

But it was a hard fought battle to get me to the crying from sheer relief and feeling love.. 

In the interim W had to bring out a flogger and a whip and a knife...........


 
but it happened and those feelings of being grounded in my own skin - of feeling loved rushed through my veins - along with the endorphins..... and all was right with the world again

BUT

I am a junkie........... and the need will come again..........

2 comments:

Ordalie said...

Dear Morningstar,
You ARE lucky! How many of us addicts like me would love to have a W to attend to their cravings but just have to read and enjoy by proxy what others feel in their flesh...
Anyway it's just as well we have blogs like yours to assuage our needs a little.

sexuallysubmissivewoman said...



Hi Morningstar,
It amazes me how addicting the pain can be! I crave it. When its been too long since I've had it, I get anxious and down right grumpy! I can't focus and have trouble sleeping.
Once I get my fix, I am mellow, spacey and often sleep up to 10 hours (as opposed to my usual 5-6). Your writing rely resonates with me and I look forward to following your journey.