Hi - my name is morningstar and I am an addict.
I am addicted to pain - to edge play - to the endorphins these activities produce.
The interesting thing (well to me anyway) is that once I am past the craving for pain I don't even think about it........(but it takes weeks and months for that to happen) and well if I do think about it - it is with fear and trepidation. Pain hurts - and the pain W gives me can hurt real bad.
But despite that......... promise me pain........ give me a sniff of pain - and I am like a junkie - I want it I need it .. I sleep eat and dream pain. And then get cranky (if you can call that mood cranky!?) when I don't get it.
I had gone months without any pain (real pain) before moving here. And yeah I admit it I had visions of (daily) floggers and whips and needles and knives dancing in my head at the thought of living with W........... daily - hell I would have liked hourly.
But we have been busy
We have had contractors in and about for 2 months
We have had well meaning friends drop in for coffee
We have had just plain off days
Which means -
Yesterday W brought out the new carpet beater he bought in China Town on the weekend. And almost from the first hit to the last I cried. At first I cried cause dammit it hurt !! And then I cried from relief. I needed this - I craved this........... pain and the ensuing endorphins center me - ground me - and - weird as this may sound - make me feel loved.
But it was a hard fought battle to get me to the crying from sheer relief and feeling love..
In the interim W had to bring out a flogger and a whip and a knife...........
but it happened and those feelings of being grounded in my own skin - of feeling loved rushed through my veins - along with the endorphins..... and all was right with the world again
I am a junkie........... and the need will come again..........