Sunday, January 06, 2013

Sunday Morning Thoughts






It's early Sunday morning - I am home and alone - and is often the case when I am alone my mind wanders all over the place............. 

I know I should be putting up a cartoon this morning - but the rambling voices in my head are loud - and I really do need to organise them - give them a bit of a voice - and one day soon look at them in more detail................ 

I have just spent the last 10 days in Kingston.  It was an introduction to retired life with W.
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Good feature - I can't smoke in the house - and I found it easier and easier to NOT go outside to smoke - which cut way back on my smoking........... 

It still feels an awful lot like it is HIS house - HIS food - His everything........ (and yeah I know this will probably hurt him or anger him a little bit - but it is what it is) 

We only played once........... and I was a little sad about that - BUT - we seldom seem to play much over the holidays - it's as though there is so much else going on there is no time for play.  Also there is this whole health issue with me - which is making play time not as pleasurable as it should be.

There was a lot more interaction with the Kink community (for me) this visit.  And I tend to listen a whole lot more than I talk - which gives me an insight to the people I am getting to know............. 

I wonder about the dynamics in this community..... there seems to be a whole lot of complaining (observations??) about an Alpha Male Dom - the people we seem to associate with have strong opinions of this Dom........ and I wonder why no one has spoken up - spoken out - publicly - rather than this whispering in closed groups.  (In all honesty I have met this Alpha Dom character many times and he did set off warning bells in my head - long before I heard any of the negative comments about him.  And I have observed the way he interacts with submissives - which is my biggest - loudest - warning bell)

There seems to be the same competitiveness between the Doms - group leaders - in Kingston as there is here.  BUT it is such a small town - I think they will land up dividing their community into small fractured groups - that don't / won't talk to each other....... and for folks like W and I - make it difficult - uncomfortable - to belong to more than one group............ despite all the postulating that it doesn't matter which group functions you attend.

Currently there is a small amount of pressure for me to form a submissive group ........ NOW.  I keep saying it is something I will consider but when I actually MOVE to Kingston.  Some are not content with that - saying it should start now to protect the innocent newbies from monsters under the bed.  AND there is one group in particular who want me to start this group under their umbrella.  Now as much as I believe there are way too many groups in general in Kingston - I do believe that a submissive group should not be affiliated with any major group - but stand alone so that submissives from all the major groups will feel free to join if they so wish.

I have been thinking once I move to Kingston - everything will be fixed.  Well by everything I mean my sense of belonging - my feeling like I have come home.... my need to be settled in one city with the man I love.  But in having a conversation with some folks this past 10 days - I said "I will be glad when I don't have one foot in each city"............ BUT realize that as long as my children and grandchildren are here I will always have one foot in each city.  

And I realize this Sunday morning that I am home again and starting back to work for the last 6 months........ and find myself grinding my teeth - straining against the reigns that tie me down............. and worrying about the sale of the house (which I hardly thought about the whole time I was in Kingston!!)  And worrying about the diagnosis I am going to get on the 18th of the month............. worrying what lies ahead of me - if anything............ 

So those are the thoughts rolling around in my addled brain - things I will need to pull out one by one and look at much more closely in the near feature......... but for now - hopefully - just putting them down on paper (so to speak) will make living with them that much easier.  

1 comment:

Sir said...

Once again I have failed you as your Dom, friend, lover ( well that one isn't my fault completely ) making you feel the Kingston house isn't yours, just one more thing that has gone wrong with My move to Kingston.

I am sorry.

W