There have been times through this almost 8 years with Sir that have felt an awful lot like some sort of experiment......... or game - yes i think game is a better word.. where i would clap my hands like a delighted child and say "let's try this.. can we huh huh?? Sir can we ?? " And Sir would indulge me and we would try it... (whatever the IT was that month!!)
i know an awful lot of my desire to try things - was based on things i had read or seen on the net - in books - or in the movies. i think at the beginning i was fighting to discover what it really was i wanted to do.. where i would really fit in to this lifestyle... (i wanted to be one of the "in" kids.. one of the "cool" kids!! for some stupid reason it seemed so important at the time)
One of the main things that kept slapping me upside the head - after each of "our experiments"... was... how silly i felt doing whatever it was we had tried.. how it didn't quite fit the picture i had in my head...or it didn't fit who i was... who Sir was. (maybe - and this is just a guess on my part - that i am so grounded in who i am and what i am that fantasies couldn't work)
One last fantasy i had was how wonderful it would be if there was a community on an island somewhere - where BDSM folks could live happily - unfettered by every day life.
Then one morning i woke up .. tired of all the angst i had been living through - and putting Sir through....... all the i wants i wants i wants.... and being left feeling very disappointed. i even (only for a moment or so ) thought perhaps this lifestyle wasn't something for me... maybe it really was all fiction......... cause there was no way any of this "stuff" could be squeezed into a 24/7 normal looking life. AND i wanted more than just kinky sex - pulease!!!! i wanted more than stolen moments..........
Thisgirl said - in a comment the other day - about finding the fantasy that works-
I think tho for any sort of BDSM activity to work the imagination has to be the driving force...and it has to be a fantasy you actually want to make real. Just takes a bit of experimentation to work out what works individually, some fantasies should stay that, but others...well...others should be encouraged
i get what she means.. but i don't entirely agree with her........ for me.. i repeat FOR ME.. it is important to be real. i do not do well in a fantasy world... i don't !! and i don't have to fantasize about being tied up and beaten.. that is my every day life and very real. It doesn't require any special "outfit" ... it doesn't require any elaborate planning or equipment.. it doesn't require any elaborate fantasy. It's just me and Sir and whatever implements are at hand........ it doesn't even HAVE to be the whips and floggers. i don't need a fantasy to serve Sir.. i can wash His clothes - clean His house - make His meals and serve Him as me.. no one else.. just lil ole me.
i don't want my life segmented into parts... i want to live life fully... This quote kinda sums up my philosophy on life.. (i am sure most of you have seen it before.. but for the record .. here it is again......)
"Life is not a journey to the grave, with the attention of arriving safely, in one pretty well preserved piece, but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and
Yup that's me.... i want to live LIFE fully every single day........... i want my life real.. in every aspect of the word.