True Measure of Love

This morning I am sitting here in the trailer taking stock of my life....... and realizing for the millionth time how lucky I am.  I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find this sort of love.

A love built on respect and caring and trust.

I was thinking of all the little things Sir Steve does that shows me the depth of his love......... besides sex that is..... the sex is fantastic and frequent and more than mind blowing......the spankings are spontaneous and never forced or begged for... 

Nah - it's more the normal every day things he does for me....... like getting the coffee ready before bed so when I wake up in the morning I only have to flip the on switch .... or coming home late from work and turning the barbecue on to cook dinner.... or his probing looks -- his insistent "tell me what's wrong" and fixing whatever 'it' is or assuring me it WILL get better.... it's how he wraps his arms around me as we climb into bed at night - and no matter how tired he is -- or how much his body hurts -- he whispers in my ear -- and we laugh together -- and finally he kisses me goodnight - soft sweet kisses..... and I fall asleep with his arm around me - protectively holding me close.

OH and he thanks me all the time -- for taking care of the lil one -- for a meal -- for thinking of something he has forgotten -- for all the little things I do. 

He honestly truly makes me feel loved and valued.... and that is a very good thing!

 

Innocent

The little one is curled up in Daddy's bed watching some cartoons on TV while I get organised.  As I walked past her (letting the dog out for her early morning pee) I smiled at that innocent face.  Soon enough the simple logic of a 4 year old will be replaced by the curdled logic of the adult world. But for now she believes in unicorns and fairies and 'happy ever after' endings.

This morning it's quiet around the campgrounds -- cold - very cold!   The heat is on and the trailer is snuggly warm and comfy.  Today is her last day with us... her mother is supposed to be home tonite from her holiday...... and we will get her back on Monday - school starts on Tuesday and our long lazy days here are just about over.

For today though we will squeeze in one more visit to the beach and mud baths and sand castles....... tonite one last barbecue dinner and one last bath/shower in the tub in the trailer.  

Tomorrow I will dash back to the city to check on the cat..... and this weekend we hope to have angelsquest come to visit for the day on Saturday and Saturday night Sir Steve and I have a date with some paddles and whips in the city (YAY!)  

Life keeps marching along at it's own pace some days dragging me along with it - other days I am keeping time and marching along with it.......

Expectations

The other day on Shut My Mouth Hermione left a comment asking about the babysitters Sir Steve lined up to look after the little one. 

I had problems with these babysitters - because -- the one at the campsite is not the most attentive mother or reliable -- and I  had my doubts about her as a 'babysitter.  The one in the city meant I had to take the lil one to the city and bring her back from the city.

When I sat here thinking of the reasons I haven't used any of the fail safe programs Sir Steve put in place -- I realized they were excuses.  The problem was with me!  I felt like I HAD to do this -- 24/7 no excuses.  

It got me thinking ....... at Sir Steve's birthday, a friend of his asked me quietly if I had seriously thought about what I was doing... getting into this relationship with a man who had a 4 year old.  I answered glibly "of course I have".  But the point is I really don't think I did.  I retired from teaching because I was tired...... my energy levels were low -- it happens ya know when you reach my age.... you don't have the energy or the patience for small children -- especially when it means 24/7.  AND being me I have been giving it 100% ........ planning her day like a classroom schedule - 9:00 breakfast/washed and dressed.  10:00 bike ride  11:00 swimming pool 12:00 lunch 1:30 arts and crafts......... etc etc etc....... 

Then this week happened.  A week from HELL that I have been dreading since I knew about it.  Sir Steve is commuting back and forth to Ottawa for work.  He leaves here at 5:45 and is getting back after 7:00 in the evening.  The grandmother (over the weekend) upped her vindictive campaign against us.   And I said "fuck it"   I have nothing to prove...... no matter how hard I try the mother and grandparents only find fault -- they have no interest in seeing the benefits for the little one.... only the perceived evil of me.  (in fact I have now started calling myself the 'evil stepmother' which the lil one finds amusing and now calls herself Cinderella..... )

So I am not scheduling the life out of our days anymore.   Oh the lil one is still working on her alphabet book to show her new teachers in a week.... she's still going to the beach every day and still going swimming on the warm days.  I am trying to take more time out of each day for me. 

The court case is in a month.  I will attend with Sir Steve and I will bring with me all my papers/degrees and most importantly the police check done just a year ago to prove I was more than suitable to work with children in this province.  Let them try their worst to discredit me I just don't care anymore.

My expectations on myself are lower now.  I am after all only human -- an old one at that.

I love Sir Steve.  I would move mountains for him if I could.  I will get through this with flying colours I am sure.... especially now I realize I really don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore!

Life is good when you lower your expectations for yourself!

 

So There!

Brrrrrrrrr

I am sitting here in shorts and a sweatshirt - freezing my ass off - thinking I should put on long pants and warm socks.  Weather wise this summer has been very disappointing!

The lil one wants to go to the beach party this afternoon -- and I am thinking we will be breaking ice on the lake.  GEEEZ! 

Camp time is winding down........ ending pretty much the way it started - with me in long pants and warm socks and the heater going during the night.  Two more weekends and we'll be back in the city.

And then the following 2 weekends we'll be packing up the trailer and winterizing it.  Three months ago I didn't see me living here - 24/7 - for the entire summer but I have.  Next summer should be easier -- I won't be a 'newbie' to trailers and the folks around here... and I'll be better prepared for the dramas and the noise noise noise. (small smile)