Toughen Up

You know it was once said - about me - that I am soft and sweet - BUT - push me too far and then you will see a side of me you never want to see!  

I know I have this spiteful side - I work very very hard to keep it in check - not to let it explode out of me cause dear god - I HATE that side of me........... 

BUT........ 

I have spent the last few months feeling sick to my stomach - feeling as though everything was my fault - trying so damn hard to smooth ruffled feathers and hurt feelings - blaming myself.

BUT ........

I have had it 

Honestly had it - done!
I was told I was released on Fetlife - by a click of a button
I was told he was sorry on my blog - on Fetlife - on Facebook
Everything that was private and important I have been told on the net!  Not one word to my face.  

Today I read the "straw that broke the camel's back"
On Fetlife he wrote this:

Sir I am presently knot an active Sir, so I shouldn't be called that.. That title is reserved to the one who earns it.... about 8 hours ago

I know that was directed at me.  Despite my best efforts NOT to call him Sir I still slip from time to time... hell that is all I have called him for 15 years... I am supposed to stop immediately and call him W.  which I don't think I ever called him - even in the very beginning.

I have avoided calling him anything - as much as possible - but I will admit every once in a while a Sir will slip out...
Now I have been informed in front of the world (so to speak) that I have not earned the right to call him that........ EARNED THE RIGHT??!!  ME??!!!

I think he has it all backwards now.. seems to me HE has to earn that right - to have anyone call him SIR he has to act like one 

There are a whole lot of names I could call him....... but I have refrained.... and in case you are getting all excited cause maybe - just maybe - there will be a flame war started here - forget it !  I don't DO name calling.  I am just saying .......... there are a whole lot of names I COULD call him... 

So ..here's the warning.... I have gone from being this beaten up /broken lil subbie (and yeah you can call me subbie - submissive - slave - whatever the hell you want to cause I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that I AM SUBMISSIVE !) to a stand tall and proud speak her mind and damn the consequences submissive.  

I will repeat the picture from above just to make sure we are all on the same page.......

Back

I'm backkkkkk did you miss me??

Well that was an interesting/scary day yesterday!

I had to be at the hospital by 12 noon - really??!!!  lunch time??? So W got me checked in then I told him to leave and get some lunch.  

Then I sat and sat and sat - all alone and developing more and more anxiety.  It was truly awful.  I kept giving myself this pep talk that lots of people have surgery by themselves without someone holding their hand...... didn't work.

Finally they came and got me and took me down to the operating room.  (the longest walk in history - I swear!!)  got me all set up on the operating table - IV in  - etc and then they all started looking for my surgeon.  (I swore she had taken a lunch break) .... then they decided my oxygen levels were low and slapped on oxygen and kept telling me to take deep breaths....... I have never had to have oxygen before and I was scared - what was happening???

Finally the surgeon came running into the OR slapping her mask on and said "let's get this done".... I was ordered to take more deep breaths of the oxygen - my anxiety levels were just about through the roof when PUFF - I was gone....... 

I woke up in recovery in a panic.  I didn't know where I was - why I was there and who all these people were.  I could hear someone telling me not to sit up... but I sat up anyway.... I had the worst "fight or flight" response.. where ever I was - I was leaving. 

Finally a female nurse showed up at my bedside and said "you don't remember anything do you?? (smart nurse) .. She patted my arm and said "it's ok it's ok - it happens sometimes that the patient gets amnesia "    She explained about the surgery and asked if I remembered what for....... I shook my head.. and started crying... I was so scared ..,.. amnesia is awful....... a big patch of your life gone........... I was struggling so hard to remember... 

Then I remembered W checking me in......... and then i panicked cause maybe he wasn't here anymore .. wasn't here yet??? The nursing staff kept asking me questions.... and finally I started to remember ..... and the heart rate and blood pressure came down.  They came at me with more oxygen........ I backed up into the bed.. I HATE oxygen - hate how it smells - hate how it feels.  They said you need to have it for a bit.. i said I need to blow my nose - all that crying had stuffed me up... 

I got to blow my nose - BUT - I also got to wear the oxygen.

Finally they brought me some water and arrowroot cookies.  I gobbled them down and drank the water....... then felt like I was gonna puke them all back.  I NEVER puke after surgery!!  I kept taking deep breaths to keep the nausea at bay - cause I knew if I started puking they weren't gonna let me go home.

I started pestering them "when can I leave? Is Warren here ?? does he have my clothes?? when can I leave"... Finally they wheeled me out of the recovery room to where my nurse and Warren were..... I got dressed and somehow managed to get home.  I could barely walk.. wanted to puke ... and felt like death warmed over.

I insisted on pizza (smart choice considering my sick stomach) and finally gave in to the heavy eye lids and fell asleep in my chair in the family room around 7:30.... woke up at 10 said I was going to bed.... and slept till 4:30 this morning.

oh yeah yesterday W said he was sure I had a cold which explained the low oxygen and stuffy nose.. I then remembered I had had a small sore throat on Sunday but it hadn't amounted to much so never mentioned it... Today I have such a stuffy nose!!  and cough... so yeah I guess maybe I did have a cold yesterday - or the beginnings of one...

Today I feel sore - more than sore actually- I feel like I have been raped (forgive my bluntness) ...... I feel worse than last year when they removed the cancer from my bladder!!!  (yeah it was exactly one year ago yesterday - aren't I the consistent one?!)

But it is over.  Now I get to wait for 3 weeks for all the results to come back .. and hopefully they will have an explanation as to why after 15+ years of being post menopausal - I am having periods again.   But for today I will nap and nibble and nap some more....... till my strength is back ...... and I feel like my old bratty self again. 

 

Tired

Tomorrow is my surgery.  They are gonna take out the entire lining of my uterus and then take pictures of the inside of the uterus (god how I HATE having my picture taken - cheeky grin) and then hopefully discover what is causing this reversal of my menopause.

Sounds simple right - routine almost.  The surgery will take 15 - 20 minutes then I will be in recovery for 2 - 4 hours.  Then I can come home.

Then I can wait and wait and wait some more while they collect all the test results.  And then maybe an answer.

I am so scared they are going to say the dreaded "H" word - hysterectomy.  I don't know why - and it's really stupid cause 20 some years ago I begged them to take out my uterus when I had some problems and they said I was too young.  Now when it looms as a possibility I am terrified.  For some reason I am tying my  uterus to my femininity - to what makes me a woman.  And I have this massive fear that I will be damaged goods if they take it out.. a non-functioning woman.... that it will affect my sex drive and my orgasms ........ all of it............ which is REALLY stupid as no one has used me sexually in so long I forget what it feels like.  AND if I go back to using my vibrator and I don't work anymore - am broken - who will know right??? It's not like the men are lining up around the block to fuck me - not this old woman - so what does it matter right??

Except it does.  

I am so tired of feeling old - cast aside - not wanted or needed anymore.  



 

Sunday Sentiments

how true is that!!??  I am very thankful for all my friends and family who are there for me.. so very thankful!

And so it begins again - edited

 I am sorry - to avoid TMI - it seems I have led some of you to believe I am having a hysterectomy.  They haven't got that far in their diagnosis process yet.

They are going to remove all the lining from my uterus in the hopes of discovering why after 15+ years of being post menopausal I am once again having (semi) regular periods.  They will be doing a thorough test of the lining to see if cancer cells are there hiding from the mundane routine tests.  

And thank you all for your support and kind words...  I don't feel quite so alone now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I am not sure who remembers a year ago here on The Journey........ But almost a year to the day I went into hospital to have cancer surgery.  

And being a good lil patient - I have been going for my checkups regularly.

BUT a year ago when they found the cancer - I had a second growth - this one in my uterus - that they removed - declared it benign.  But the symptoms never disappeared.

I have been to see yet another specialist.... tried some pills ..... but the symptoms continue.  When I last saw the specialist she suggested surgery...... in 6 - 8 weeks.  It is so easy to forget those things when you have almost 2 months to wait.

Well I got the call yesterday.  I am going into hospital next Tuesday for the surgery.  Today I got the call - pre op tests on Friday....... 

One year almost to the day ......... and so it begins again.........

(whispering) I am very scared you know.