Rushing........

I was sitting here drinking my morning coffee - enjoying (finally!) the sunshine pouring in the windows when suddenly - SUDDENLY - I realized it was March.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!

March has finally arrived.  So what if it "came in like a lamb" one more storm at the end of March is tolerable cause it's one of the final storms..........

I jumped up and flipped the calendar from dull February to bright March.... didn't even give February a last look - just flipped that page.........


THEN

I am not sure what I was doing - reading something or other on the net and in passing noticed  something that said February 28th.......... NOOOOOOOOOOO - they must have made a mistake it can't be February STILL??!!!  

I checked the date on my computer..

oh dear god - my heart sank - it isn't March yet.......... tomorrow is March ......... today it is still FEBRUARY!  

Will this month never end???? (le sigh) 

Into the light........

In case you didn't know this interesting / irrelevant fact about me - I am quite literal.

The challenge from my photography group was "Playing with light".  Well I have tried light painting and tried to capture the tail lights of cars/street lights in a long line of light with little or no success.  (that is playing with light in my mind )

Now because it has been averaging -30 around here (with wind chill) I had no desire to stand out on a street corner trying to capture tail lights/street lights....... or to try and paint with light ............... I was stymied

For all of 5 minutes !!

I decided to play with light bulbs.

I took one light bulb - only one!!  and took a serious of shots changing the white balance and the settings and just about anything else I could change......... 

Here are the results..........

and then just for fun I edited the above picture to this....

and then I searched for a non-frosted light bulb .........

 

 
Before I got hung up on light bulbs I did take a couple of other shots.........

This one is a night light ............

And that was my submission for "playing with light" - most of the others took pics of their animals lying in the sunshine - the sun shining through ice  - that sort of thing...... it continues to amaze me how we each interpret the challenges.......

Here we go again...........

Well I saw the doc yesterday.  

The first question she asked me "did the meds work" 
Answer "nope" not at all'

She nodded as though that was the answer she expected...... which today - having had time to think about it - makes me go WTF?

She then said I had two choices - 1) to have yet another biopsy in the office or 2) be hospitalized - undergo day surgery - and let her get a really good sample and have a really good look.

I picked #2.  Having a biopsy in the office with no anesthetic or freezing was not something I would volunteer for (been there 3 times - got the Tshirt and keep trying to throw it out!)

So sometime in the next 6 - 8 weeks I will be going back into hospital.  I am feeling frustrated and angry ...... it's enough NOW!  I am retired - I want to laugh and love and not be constantly thinking about a failing body or doctor's appointments or painful procedures.

And then I wondered this morning - if this set of doctors just wanted to give me time to get through the bladder cancer....cause one of the questions she asked me was the status of the bladder cancer. She also went out of her way to reassure me that things would probably turn out well.  

So ........ here we go again........ and hopefully soon things will start to turn around .....   

Busy Me

This living on my own - if only for a few days - is not easy.  I lived by myself for many years but 1 1/2 years with Sir and I am spoiled ......... le sigh 

Yesterday I got busy - instead of dwelling in the quiet - I dragged all the furniture out of the quiet room and rearranged it all.  Not an easy task - and my bones and muscles hurt!  Who knew the furniture would be so heavy and awkward??? BUT now that it's all back in - I like it - a lot!  I think the room looks bigger - not so cluttered and cramped. YAY me.

Then in the afternoon a friend dropped by for coffee and we cheered each other up - at least I hope I cheered her up.  

When she left - the house got noisy.  Who knew how noisy a house can be.  Every creak made me wonder if the roof was gonna cave in from all the snow on it........ every bump made me jump ...... every sigh from the walls made me wonder who was watching ...... I am such a scaredy cat

Today is gonna be rough.  I have a doctor's appointment.  And for the scary ones Sir always comes with me.  He asked me - he did - before he left if I could manage the appointment and I told him YES... hell I am a big girl right? I should be able to handle even a scary doctor's appointment by myself!!

But the first thing on my mind at 5 this morning when my eyes popped open was "doctor today".  and my stomach tied itself up in knots - impressive knots !!  Sitting here at my computer was making matters worse.  So I dragged on my snow boots and mitts and coat and scarf and went out to shovel the pathway and the walkway and the driveway........ and when that was done I did my neighbour's driveway........ now my bones and muscles really hurt!!  AND it is only 10:30 - I still have 3 hours till my appointment. 

Ah well - fingers crossed the appointment will go ok - and then I can come home and celebrate with my rack of ribs I have set aside for dinner.  And then who knows - one more sleep and my Sir may be home..........

Away

Sir is in Montreal for the week.  A good friend is having surgery and he has gone to hand hold and drive and visit and do anything else he can to make this time easier for her.

I am here alone

because - well I have an appointment with the doctor  tomorrow over some questionable goings on in my uterus.  

and because I wasn't invited to come.  These are his friends.  And as much as I try to pretend they accept me I don't feel accepted.  They are his friends.

I tried to convince myself this time alone would be fun.  After all I lived on my own for many years.  But it feels very different now.  I catch myself tip toeing around his house as though I might disturb something ....... I stop before making a meal cause I have forgotten (I guess) how to make a meal I want when I want how I want.

Even dear lil miss ashes is reacting to his being gone.  She is curled up in his place in the TV room.  She turned up her nose at supper and refused to leave his spot to come to bed with me.  Even she feels his absence.

Then last night we chatted briefly on facebook - and he asked if I had gone out for dinner.  I sat staring at the screen - how did he know??? I had forgotten this house is wired and videoed and it talks to him via his phone.  Even this morning at 6 something he knew I was up and on facebook (I always go on facebook first) and he popped up in the chat window to check on me.

So maybe I am not as alone as I thought.

Maybe I just miss his physical presence......... his voice .... the need to follow his routines....

Maybe I am really truly submissive longing for the sound of my "Master's voice" 

50 Shades of............

We went to see the 50 Shades movie yesterday. 

Yup we weren't one of the cool kids who rushed off to see it the very first day - or weekend for that matter - when it came out.....so we could rush back to our computers and warn the masses.

Nor were we one of the smug ones who wouldn't support a movie that was such trash - or was demeaning our community - or was endangering the lives of all those poor uneducated naive vanillas.

We went to see a movie.  Pure and simple - a m.o.v.i.e. - with an adult rating and (I hoped) lots of luscious sex.

What we saw was - for the most part - a boring movie with amazing cinematography and a great musical score.  The lighting was spectacular!  I can still see the light bouncing off a very erect nipple and it makes my knees weak - no not the nipple - but the lighting!  (ok ok the nipple was pretty good too )

I say boring cause truthfully I was there for the scenes in the "red room" not the scenes about negotiations or the need for safe words or the endless long wordy contract..........

We all went out for coffee after the 2 hour event - and mostly we laughed about inconsistencies.  One of our friends pointed out the stalking scene that has everyone talking.  Mr. Grey shows up in her apartment - in her bedroom - uninvited.  That scene made me laugh - and remember.  Cause - once upon a time - my Sir did just that to me - on a dare - me and my big bratty mouth - He showed up in my bedroom at 3 in the morning ........ all in good fun 

If I had to rate the movie......... I think I would give it a 2 out of 5 - and suggest you wait till it comes out on Netflix or television or some other entertainment outlet.  I definitely will not be going to see any sequels.  It turns out reading the book and letting my imagination draw the images was far more stimulating than having it all laid out in front of me.

I will say though - I don't think we need to fuss over the vanilla folk getting hurt - no need for a " don't try this at home" warning.... unless 3 spanks and a whole lot of licking is dangerous.



  

Sunday Sentiments

just seemed like good advice..........

Marking Time

I think I am "marking time" waiting for spring to arrive.  Each day I check the weather forecast only to see more cold or more snow coming in.......... and I huddle in the house pulling the 4 walls tightly around me and tap my toe impatiently.

That is not to say I haven't been out of the house... I am still going to the gym 3x a week. Yesterday was a "bitch" to drag myself out..... it was -32 with the wind chill...... the car doesn't even get warm - no matter how long I leave it running before heading outside.........

BUT I have received my new photo assignment "playing with light".  It's due in 2 weeks - lots of time to figure out how I am going to "play with light".  I did do some research and discovered I could drill a small hole in the base of a light bulb - screw the bulb in - and take pictures of the filament exploding.  But I don't know - they advise having a fire extinguisher on hand - so that may not be something I want to experiment with......... I do have a couple of ideas though - that don't involve the possibility of setting the house on fire.  

Sir is away next week - in Montreal - helping out a "sick" friend..... that might be a good time to experiment with this latest assignment. 

And tomorrow we are going - with some friends - to see 50 Shades of Grey - that vilified movie - well vilified on Fetlife.  I read the books and found them to be a little too romance novel for my liking - but the "hot" parts were hot!  I wanna see if the film can do it better than my imagination.  Anyone wanna place bets??

Now - back to marking time.............

Hump Day OMG

Honestly the things folks post on YouTube!!!

A friend sent me this link - I have watched it twice with my jaw on the floor - and couldn't resist sharing this with you all....... a Hump Day oh my god!!

Weekend in Review

Well it was an interesting weekend for sure........ 

On Friday I went with Sir to his doctor's appointment and then we went out to lunch to our favourite hamburger joint (which is no joint!)  and spoiled ourselves with hamburgers and milk shakes - to celebrate my negative test results and Valentine's day.

And of course it snowed again........ 

On Saturday Sir mumbled something about his insulin...... I asked him to repeat it .. and it turned out he had accidentally taken his night dose instead of his morning dose.  He seemed calm enough about it so I went about doing whatever it was I was doing.

A short while later I heard him on the phone. Now as it was before 9am I figured something must be wrong.  Sir had called the health hot line and explained what had happened with his insulin.  They advised him to go to the hospital..................

I scrambled to dig a path to the car and to clear the front of the driveway so we could get out....... and then off we went to Emergency..........

Sir says I was a basket case - honestly I thought I was pretty calm.  I figured if anything was gonna go wrong the best place to be was at the hospital.

I was impressed with how quickly they processed him through - tested his blood - and got him into a room in Emerg.  We had to hang around for a couple of hours - testing his blood every hour.... and when it appeared that it wasn't gonna drop too low............. they sent us home with instructions what to do should it suddenly bottom out..........

I did stress a little bit - when we got home and Sir insisted helping me dig out the rest of the driveway and the walkway.  (le sigh) I was worried too much exercise would lower his sugars even more.. but thankfully he survived the shoveling and had a good lunch which settled the sugars down ............

That was a Valentine's day for the books !!!
 

Sunday was a quiet lazy day............. which I totally enjoyed.  And the best part - it hasn't snowed since Friday - so we haven't had any shoveling to do....... it really is enough now!!  We have run out of room to put the damn stuff.  (and yes I know there are lots of places who have it 10x worse than we do)

Into the GREAT debate..........

Yup - that debate - Fifty Shades of Grey.

There are so many damn debates going on right now about this movie (50 Shades) that it makes my head spin.  It also makes me wonder when we forgot the difference between fiction and reality. 

AND it's not the first erotic BDSM movie to stir up debates either.

Back in 2002 the movie The Secretary  was about to be released.  The BDSM folks were up in arms......... "my god!  Lee (the secretary) was an emotional mess - released from a psychiatric hospital - prone to cutting herself........ what message is THAT going to give to the vanilla community??!!!  Obviously they are all going to think we are escapees from a mental institution" 

And let's go back even further - way back to the dark ages -  to 1954 when a book was released - title "The Story of O" .  The book was criticized strongly by feminists who suggested the book encouraged the abuse of women.

Have our reactions to movies/literature changed in all these years?? 

Nope.

And fear.......... my god the fear I hear/read about the curious vanilla folk sticking their noses into FetLife and any other alternate website.  OH THE HORROR !!!  What are we going to do with all these vanilla folks poking around????

I would suggest we tidy up the place - dust and mop and spruce it all up....company is coming 

They will come and they will read our blogs and perv our pictures and videos and read our notes and journal entries.  AND if something speaks to their inner soul they may just move in - sit themselves down and watch and learn and get involved.  WOW what a concept!  They might even contribute something worthwhile one day.  Hell they might even start a group ......... and hold munches and play parties.  What a novel idea!

Because we were them once upon a time - we took a deep breath and stepped bravely from the vanilla world into the world of smoke and shadows that somehow / some way had reached into our inner most souls and called to us.  And how we got to HERE is not important - whether it was The Story of O, The Secretary or any of the other erotic BDSM works of fiction.  We are here.......... and I would venture a guess - for the most part - very glad we are here.  And very thankful for the folks who came before us opening the doors - sprucing up the place - welcoming us and offering to show us the way.

I say thank god for the erotic movies and books that make some folks twitch and run for cover, cause they spoke to my inner soul - they pushed me through the doors into the smoke and shadows and led me to some great folks who taught me and guided me and supported me

Sunday Sentiments

After a month of horrendously cold temperatures - horrendous amounts of snow and blowing snow - I think everyone can appreciate this..............

 

Lovers Day

Happy Valentine's Day

To All the Lovers 

now tell me - who is going to see 50 Shades of Grey???

Thoughts on Power

I was thinking about power this morning ... and the quote
"power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely"

I am often trying to figure out the draw of power.... both to have it and be near it - to be in the inner circle so to speak.

Unfortunately it is one of those things that I don't understand (and probably never will) 

It might come from my upbringing.... living with a father who had his fair amount of power ... who never believed in flaunting the power - and who was fond of saying (of people with power) "They all put their pants on one leg at a time".  And his attitude towards power was probably what earned him the respect of so many people.

And there it is............ 

Power is nothing without respect.

Oh you can fight to gain power .... you can steal to get power.. you can lie to get power.. but if you don't have the respect of people who surround you .. you honestly have nothing (except maybe a little dictatorship)

I sit and watch the people who have power or think they have power... I measure them not by this power .... but by the way they handle it........... by the respect they earn from those around them.... 

Because if we aren't careful
"power will corrupt and absolute power will corrupt absolutely"

And then the world will be in a right mess.



 

Y E S

Just got back from the hospital with GREAT news!  9 months cancer free!  

AND

He doesn't want to see me for 6 months!!!

Time Flies

It has been 3 months since my last cancer screening.  Time flies ........ 

But tomorrow I have to go in to the hospital - again- have tubes shoved in my body (without freezing I might add) - lie there while they scope out my bladder .. taking pictures .. holding my breath for the verdict.

I keep hoping it will get easier .............

It doesn't.

I am scared

And I hate being scared 

And there is nothing anyone can do to help me

And that sucks 

I Make Mistakes

Here's a little known fact about moi - I have a temper.... a nasty nothing to be proud of .. temper.  It doesn't rear it's ugly head too often - but when it does - it's not a pretty sight.
It is not something I am proud of.... and it is something I have been trying very hard to work on.....

Here's another little known fact about moi - I want to try and save the world..... I am Don Quixote in disguise - I tilt at windmills.

Here's another little known fact about moi - I write here mainly to get the noise out of my head.  Not so much to inform you - or to brag - or to call to arms - or for sympathy - nope none of that.  I write here simply to quiet the noise.  And sometimes my writings cause people grief....... sometimes my writings make people really REALLY angry at me... (even though they told me to go write in my own space and stay out of theirs)

Yup - sometimes I make mistakes.  But then this morning I found the quote above and it spoke to me...... Yes I make mistakes - but I never EVER claim to be perfect.  Isn't it better to TRY and make mistakes then not TRY and appear perfect?

So............. to all the people I may have upset with my writings........ to all the people I may have disappointed with my writings....... to all the people who would love to see me disappear in a poof of smoke...... I simply made a mistake

and to quote  from Don Quixote
 
" The truth may be stretched thin, but it never breaks, and it always surfaces above lies, as oil floats on water.”
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote


 

 
 

Patience - not my strong suit

I keep telling myself this has NOT been a bad winter - or a long one.  After all we virtually had a green Christmas........... so to complain just 6 weeks later that I have had it with winter seems ............. illogical?? 

BUT I am complaining.  Last week I think we shoveled 6 straight days - and one day we shoveled twice.  It's like Mother Nature is making up for lost time.  We missed a trip to Montreal on the weekend for a wedding cause the weather was so dreadful .......... though I did try very hard to make up for the disappointment by getting out and about for my photo shoot of Froid d'Art.

I had really hoped to get back to downtown on Sunday to take pictures in the daylight of the kids on the ice slides - going through the ice maze - and of the ice sculptures and best of all pictures of the polar bear plunge.

But yesterday was snowing and blowing and then the icing on the cake was freezing rain about mid day.  

Mid afternoon though, Sir agreed to take me to the city's green houses to see their yearly exhibit of spring flowers.  Honestly I have the BEST Sir.  He warmed up the car and scraped and scraped AND scraped the ice off it .......and off we went to the green houses.  

I nearly died when we pulled into the parking lot and we were the only car there!!  Mind you the attendant said there had been about 50 brave souls who had been through before we got there.

I zoomed around snapping pictures here and there....... and inhaling deeply ... the smell of wet earth and flowers can't compare to anything else....... especially when the world outside the doors is a frozen white waste land.

30 minutes later we piled back into the car and headed home........... hope is renewed that spring will come again this year.................... even if - when we got home - we had to park on the street and shovel out the top of the driveway thanks to the city plow.......... le sigh.

Here are some pictures of what is (honestly truly) coming........... 

They tell me only 38 days till spring - I can do that - I think I can do that - I think I can I think can I think can...........


 

 

Sunday Sentiments

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This idea - of taking responsibility for your actions - for yourself....... is not very popular on Fetlife these days.  In fact if you even try to hint that folks should take responsibility for their themselves you can land up being accused of being a "victim shamer"... it's such a pity that in general - in the big wide world - vanilla or BDSM - no one seems to think they should take responsibility for themselves ........ it's so much easier to blame someone else - dontcha know........ le sigh

Cooling off......

Well after yesterday's post full of angst and indignation - I decided last evening I needed to do something to cool me off and lift my spirits.

This weekend is Feb Fest here in Kingston (Kingston's idea of a winter carnival).  There is everything from ice slides and ice mazes in City Hall park to ice sculptures and all sorts of activities on the outdoor skating rink... and oh yes a Polar Bear swim on Sunday morning.

One truly inspirational resident decided to try and find something to lift everyone's spirits during the February blah month.  It technically has nothing to do with Kingston's Feb Fest and from what I can gather, he had no support from City Hall - but he set about finding local artists who would be willing to do an original painting on a sheet of acrylic.  Then he took the acrylic paintings and set them each in a block of ice.  He wanted to put the ice paintings - or Froid d'Art as it is named - around the center of town - but City Council couldn't stretch their imagination enough to see how this might be incorporated into Feb Fest.  

But supporters rallied round and agreed to not only host one of these paintings on their property but pay for the privilege. (the payment was to help cover the costs)

Last evening I loaded the camera and tripod and GPS into the car and headed off just after the sun set to find these paintings.  It turned out to be more of a challenge than I imagined.  The paintings are quite literally spread all around Kingston. (the average distance between paintings was approx 2kms - x 10 paintings made for quite a trek)  

Then we have had snow just about all week - and though the side streets were more or less cleared - the snow banks were as 'high as an elephant's eye' .  I found myself climbing / scaling these banks and sliding down the other side to get close enough to the Froid d'Art to shoot them.  Oh yeah and add to that it was -18 (haven't a clue what the wind chill was) and it was a very challenging 3 hours.  (Yup took me 3 hours !!)

Here are some of the better shots  - oh yes and I forgot to say - each painting was lit from inside........

This Bed and Breakfast hosted the following painting.......

and then these are more shot around town

 



I hope to get to a few more activities this weekend - which of course will mean more pictures come Monday morning ......

 

Filled up

What a weekend we had!!  

On Saturday we met some friends for an impromptu coffee.  I love unplanned meet ups... talking laughing sharing..."filling the unforgiving moment with 60 seconds worth of distance run. "   I even managed to get all the laundry done and put away..... yay me!

Then on Sunday we had a private play party to attend in our Nation's capital.  Actually it was a resurrection of sorts of an old group - the 140 club.  I prayed for decent weather so we could make the 2+hour drive up.  

Mother Nature cooperated and we had a marvelous time.  Meeting up with folks we haven't seen in years........ and I do mean years!!  (14 for one couple).  We chatted .... we laughed.. we compared notes.... and Sir played with me........ hard.  I even have the stripes and a bruise to show for it this morning.  

The play filled me up - to the brim........ not over, just to the brim..... no nasty leftover drops tickling down the inside of my brain...... nope.. just a comfortable fullness that will tide me over until the next time............... and it is so nice to know there WILL be a next time with my Sir.

Sunday Sentiments