a little broken

It happens sometimes.. i guess.. to all of us.... at some time or another.... but it has thrown me a little bit.........

Yesterday Sir ordered me into my tack bra and off to Cloud's house for coffee.. fine and dandy.. it felt rather nice to wear the tack bra (ok ok call me crazy!!) but it did !! little pricks reminding me of my place... a secret smile between Sir and i when Cloud's wife hugged me tight, or when i bent over to pick something up and the whole bra thing seemed to press tighter into me...

Then home and i was allowed to remove it... and dinner and the usual friday evening tv shows.. nothing out of the ordinary.. and then Sir ordered me up to bed a bit early - because of my topsy turvy week.. and because we have a busy weekend.. and because .. just because i was sleepy............ and as He bent to tuck me in.. having chained me to my side of the bed... His hand went under the covers and He got this wicked grin .. and His hand went to play with me.. and i murmured 'ya know Sir, the expression, "use it or lose it?" well i do believe that applies here'.. i felt no twinges.. no tightening.. nothing.... Sir wasn't to be deterred and He reached for a dildo - one that rarely sees the light of day.. 'willie' we call it .. and it wouldn't even go in!! Well ok Sir did manage to get it in.. but oh my god i felt like a virgin!! and it hurt.. and and and.. two thoughts kept running through my head 1) if this is what Sir wishes then it is His to take.. and 2) i am broken..

Eventually Sir stopped .. i was going to say gave up... but Sir rarely if ever gives up!! and the tears welled up in my eyes and i said "It is broken!!" and a tiny sob broke from my lips.. broken.. me who could wear Sir out.. broken??!! Sir whispered in my ear "you are NOT broken!! trust me!" And i do...... trust Him... so maybe just a little broken??? maybe this weekend it will all be fixed again.... i have my fingers crossed..

topsy turvy world

It has been a topsy turvy crazy week - between birthing grandbabies.. work.. visiting new grandbabies.. work... cuddling my BIG grandson who misses mommy and daddy.. and work.. i don't even know what day it is!!

i did manage to get blogger working again.. it wasn't blogger.. it was IE.. i somehow or other managed to corrupt a file or two.. don't ask me how.. don't ask me why......it probably has to do with this topsy turvy world......i totally gave up trying to fix it and just downloaded a new browser...

This weekend Sir and i are off to our nation's capital for a private play party.. ask me if i am excited!!! i desperately need some normalcy back in my life.. it feels like a life time since i last knelt at Sir's feet... i am ready to pack.. load the car and disappear into the wild blue yonder for 24 hours.. get my endophin fix.. get my Sir fix.. and turn my world back around and set it on its axis again...

Hopefully by the end of the weekend my brain will be back on its axis.. and the words will once again flow freely from my fingers to the screen........ for now.. i am just holding on to the edge of this topsy turvy world...........

Pins and needles..

A while back.. when my favourite Aunt died and Sir and i were cleaning out her apartment.. Sir came across this pin cushion she must have used .. maybe even her mother before her.. for sewing chores. Sir tucked the little pin cushion into a box.. and it reappeared in our playroom - proudly displayed on a shelf. The joke was - at the time - Sir and i were not into needle play.



Now as i reported earlier.. i fashioned a tack bra this weekend.. which i proudly wore .. and which left me a wee bit disappointed. It felt as though all 50 tacks were imbedded in my breasts.. and i half expected to see rivulets of blood dripping down my tits when i removed it.. only to be disappointed.

Sir, reading of my disappointment, decided Sunday evening to inbed my ass with needles. And to raise the bar a wee bit higher.. He placed the needles low and close together.. leaving lots of room above them to whip my ass. (He still refuses to tell me what exactly it was He did use to whip.. but my god.. either it was a new wicked toy.. or the needles had nicely sensitized my ass so that each hit burned and tore at that skin)



When Sir decided it was time to remove the needles.. there was no gentle turn and pull. Nooo Siree bob.. not this time...this time Sir just yanked them out.. (and if you look closely at the above picture - you will see that the needles were all the way in.. wayyyyyyy in!!) Funny thing was though.. it didn't hurt as much as i would have thought considering He was yanking them out.. and probably not as much as it hurts when He gently removes them... What did happen though was yanking caused little riveluts of blood to run down my ass...



colour me one happy subbie...

Tack Bra

Despite all sorts of road blocks being thrown up .. like my having somehow screwed up blogspot so badly i have lost just about all the function keys... i did manage to not only make the tack bra but get some pictures of it uploaded as well.

The making of the bra was not nearly as difficult as i had originally thought (ok ok planned it to be!!) Sir took me shopping to a second hand clothing store yesterday to buy 2 bras - as per kaya's directions.. and then to get some tacks.. and home again.

Now for those of you who worry about my health.. and sanity.. when approaching some of these projects.. i DID wash the bras well in good hot water.. (god only knows where they were before they were mine!!) and i did disinfect the tacks.... all before assembling.

i assembled it this morning and got all weak kneed thinking about the tiny pin prick holes that were gonna be created.. tiny rivulets of blood trickling down the whiteness of my breasts...

i put the bra on with Sir manning the camera waiting for just the right gasp of shock (He did manage to get one) but for the most part it wasn't nearly as bad as i had projected in my imagination. i wore it for about an hour and then asked for permission to remove it.. granted of course. i gingerly ... slowly .. removed the bra to find...
NOTHING... not one drop of blood.. not one puncture hole... sighhhhh.. just some cute lil dimples. Now i think i may understand why kaya moved on to upholstery nails.......... but whether i am ready for that just yet i am not sure............but for now.. the tack bra is done..

and i am wondering .... magadala.. did you get to play with chopsticks??
kaya .. did you get any pretty lil crafty plastic clothes pegs??

S.O.S

i went to read some blogs this morning... ok ok i admit it i haven't read these blogs in a couple of weeks so maybe an announcement was made.. BUT Life as His.. annissa's blog is gone???? no goodbyes?? just pack up and disappear into the night????

would someone tell her i miss her writings???

Wishes.......

Sir has always warned me about wishes... "be careful what you wish for" is His favourite expression..... i have been hearing it for over 5 years.. ya think i would have learned that lesson by now wouldn't you??!!! But i haven't........... sighhhhh

Last evening Sir announced He had a task for me.. i LOVE tasks so truthfully i was quite excited. He asked me if i had read kaya's blog .. and sent me off immediately to read it and appreciate it... ughhhhhh.. (kaya - next time you decide to be the "Martha Stewart" of BDSM can you just keep it to yourself??!!! huh huh?? please)..

Anyway... kaya is making a tack bra... and if blogger was working properly i could put a link so you could just click and visit.. however blogger is being a pain this morning - i can't even change my font or add pretty colours - so if you wish to see kaya's projects her link is on the right hand side - under BDSM blogs "kaya's blog"...

Back to my task........ i am to make myself a tack bra.. and it is to be finished by next Friday - NEXT FRIDAY!!! no pressure or anything - especially since i have to go and buy 2 bras - padded even and one bigger than the other!! - and i will be expected to wear it on our trip to the Nations Capital for the play party.

Now hang on a minute here... kaya might love tit torture.. and kaya may love ass play.. and kaya may love enemas.. BUT that doesn't mean i love the same things Sir !!! (can everyone hear me whining here??) AND my tits are a hard limit.. geeeeez you'd think after 5 years Sir would have gotten that fact straight!!! and just cause i said i wanted to raise the bar a little bit.. and just cause i have been "wishing" He would lift that bar.. doesn't mean i want it lifted over my tits!!! (i pout sooooo very nicely!!)

But pouting and whining will get me nowhere this time.. wishful thinking and all that.. so i am off to find 2 cheap bras.. they don't sell them at any Dollar store up here in the Great White North kaya - lucky you!! oh yeah and a box of tacks.. Sir did say i could use tacks instead of upholstery nails.. lucky me!!!

i will keep you all informed - whether you care to hear or not - about my progress making this tack bra.......... (shudder)

performance anxiety

i don't know if this problem is exclusive to me.. or if others feel it........ but i have performance anxiety. (not THAT kind of performance anxiety!!!) When Sir and i first met .. we played publically most of the time.. only occasionally playing here at the house. i loved going to the clubs .. getting up on the equipment and flying off with my fairies...........

Over time the clubs around here have come and gone........ there are a few private ones.. but most of them are the kind that swan's Master, Rahereteric, has come to define as s/m - stand and model. The last time Sir and i went to a club here, most of the equipment was draped with fashion statements rather than users. It was next to impossible for Sir to swing a flogger never mind the whip. i believe we caused more than a few folks to gasp and turn away.. and we weren't even playing that hard!!!

So now we play only at home.. and only occasionally have a hard session. (i am NOT complaining.. just stating facts) This summer at camp.. Sir and i watched some scenes that left us breathless. i knew then i wanted more of THAT... of that type of play.. of that type of exhibitionism (and i am NOT an exhibitionist by nature - more by nurture)

In less than 2 weeks we are supposed to be going up to our Nation's Capital for a private party. Basically it can be an "anything goes - leave your "safe sane and consentual" at the door type of party. (we are going as long as the new grandbaby doesn't decide to come that weekend) and i am suffering from performance anxiety. i know i know i should leave it all in Sir's hands....... BUT i want to play hard .. i want it to be a WOW experience for us and for those watching... and i am worried i will wimp out..... i don't know about anyone else.. but when i don't have practice sessions (for lack of a better term) i worry about wimping out.. about blowing my chance to perform....... thus the title performance anxiety.

And as i write this i think to myself .. it sounds like we are "players" and i don't ever want to be JUST a player - someone who dresses the part and plays occasionally and is glad to return to vanilla life...... i am just missing our hard sessions here at home.. i am anxious to raise that bar.. to move things to the next level..... to squeeze in some hard play between the vanilla responsibilities of our lives...... so that i never have to worry about performance anxiety........

anybody still around??

i know .. it has been ages since i posted... and i wish i had something juicy to blog about.. or something funny to blog about.. or something painful to blog about.. something/anything to blog about.......

Problem is... there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot of anything happening around here.......... On the BDSM front.. let's see.. Sir bound my breasts on Saturday for an hour...... and had me wear chopsticks for 30 minutes on Sunday while i did the ironing........ and that's it...
we held our monthly munch yesterday.. and had all of 10 people show up... i keep wondering if it is worth the headaches/time and trouble to organise them.... Sir says "what work?? what trouble??" sigh..

On the family front.. eldest daughter gave youngest daughter a baby shower on Saturday... and the new baby is due sometime in the next 2 - 3 weeks depending on whom you talk to....

i am antsy and frustrated and needy .. one of THOSE moods that i write about so frequently.. (it seems to me anyway).. and i can't help but wonder .. what's the point??? (to write about it i mean) .. Problem is.. i have this fantasy life style in my head... and it just doesn't translate to real life... others may seem to have it.. but it is always just out of reach for me... a fantasy... and maybe that is where it should stay .... a fantasy?? most fantasies don't translate well into real life - for me anyway....

Sir made suggestions on the weekend.. like when my breasts were bound He wondered out loud what would happen if He did some needle play on them.. while He was making the suggestion i was thinking oh wow lets do it !! Sir on the other hand worried about blood spurting out and the clean up afterwards...

On Sunday i think Sir said something about some knife play.. and i almost dared Him to do it.. but then ya know you are gonna have blood spurts and clean up to deal with.........

i even cleaned the playroom up all nice for the weekend..... but we never even ventured down there....... when i did the laundry i swear i could hear the toys calling to me.. but i know it must have just been my imagination.. toys don't call out.. don't tempt you.. don't raise your dreams/expectations...

Anyway....... fantasies can be fun as well as frustrating.. they are good to snuggle up with and dream about........ babies come when they are good and ready........ and patience (as my grandmother used to say) is a virtue.. i will work on my patience virtue..........

raising the bar higher.

A while back Sir and i were joking (i guess we were joking) about raising our bar higher.. pushing the limits. Sir had said we would discuss it.... BUT funny thing was.. when we sat down to discuss it.. i don't think either of us really knew HOW to push the bar higher.

On Saturday we did the clothes peg thingy....... intense was how i described it. i have been thinking about that evening for the last couple of days. Today i realized that was raising the bar higher. That was pain that was not cute or cuddly or sexy - in any way. That was pure pain. i didn't fly which confused me... i always fly high from pain.. why not this time?? i think perhaps i have figured it out.. well figured it out for me. The pain took me by surprise... it was bigger than any pain i have faced.. it was more intense than any pain i have ever faced.... it took me by surprise.. kinda slapped me upside the head to see if i was paying attention.. i wasn't! i wasn't prepared for that kind of pain.. i have experienced that kind of pain maybe only once before.. and that time it was a mistake.

i have asked myself if i want to try that pain again....... and each time the answer has been the same.. HELL YES! i wonder.. (and yes for those of you who worry about my communication skills with Sir.. i WILL ask Him!! ) if Sir can handle that kind of pain again.......... it was a pain that i think kinda slapped Him upside the head too.... Even if He tries to pooh pooh it.. i do believe it surprised Him as well. AND i know!!! Sir only ever wants to give me good pain.. pain i enjoy.. and my tears / sobs and shrieks were not exactly a soothing sound for my Sir's soul.

But wasn't that raising the bar higher??? Giving me just a little bit more than i could handle........ making me struggle and fight and try to handle it.......... next time - if indeed there is a next time - i want to handle it better. i want to fight that battle and win. i want to look into Sir's eyes and know He is giving me just a little bit more than i can handle...... so i can be victorious.

and now as i reread what i have written i wonder if those of you who are 'vanilla' wonder at my need /desire for more .. where will it stop??? Well i guess it will stop when Sir decides we aren't going to raise the bar any higher........ but until then........... HELL YES raise it higher!!!

Intense

At 10 pm Sir brought out the small clothes pegs... the wee tiny pretty coloured clothes pegs. He started to clamp them on... and it hurt.. not bad hurt .. but it hurt.. i found myself not being able to watch. If i had been putting them on myself.. i would have pulled up the skin between thumb and forefinger and clamped it on carefully.. slowly. Sir did nothing of the sort. He simply clamped the pegs onto the skin.... slowly making a tight neat line down to the nipple. Once He had reached the nipple area He started on the next line of tight neat little clothes pegs and finally a third line. He was counting.. 30 per breast.

There are no words that can describe how the pain blossomed from a slow ache to a full blown burn. BUT that is what happened. i breathed deep long steady breaths... i visualized the pain as a solid thing and visualized climbing to the top of it... i closed my eyes... i held my body still .. so very still...... slow even deep breaths........... the pain was intense... i thought to myself how silly that these 60 pretty lil coloured pegs can be creating such an intense pain........

i glanced at the clock - 40 minutes had passed. The burn had started to spread .. it was no longer just in the area of the pegs, it felt like a carpet of flames spreading across my chest from side to side. The breathing was no longer working, i had moved onto grinding my teeth and watching the clock tick off the minutes. Just before 11:00 Sir asked me how i was doing.. i told Him i wasn't doing very well at all.. by now my entire chest area was on fire......... Sir moved to sit beside me and started to remove the pegs..... At first i just felt such relief .. blessed relief that they were coming off.... And then ..it was like an explosion of burning intense pain as one of the pegs was removed. i shrieked. i cried, i bellowed, i sobbed. The pain would recede for a few more pegs and then with no warning it would erupt again .. that intense explosion of pain, and i would shriek and sob. It took forever to remove the 60 pegs, and when Sir was finished He opened His arms for me to collapse into, and as my breasts touched His chest the pain exploded once more from deep inside. i pushed back away from Sir.... i didn't want anything touching my breasts.. i took deep breaths.. the pain was slowly re-defining the word 'intense' in my mind.

i don't honestly think the above picture does justice to the marks that were left......... but it is better than nothing.........

Sir asked me - "it is good pain - right?" kind of like a code we have......... and i told Him i would let Him know.......... i wasn't sure if it was such a good pain. Finally this afternoon i told Sir that the pain was I N T E N S E.... i am still not sure it was / is good pain..... but i do know one thing............... i want to do it again!!!

thoughts..........

The weekend started off in a kind of a weird mood.......... i can't really explain it... but there was no play on Friday.. and by mid afternoon on Saturday there still hadn't been any "play". Around that time i was thinking about what i must have done to upset Sir.. it wasn't just that there was no play.. there was very little interaction between U/us of a physical nature.. hugs strokes etc..

i did know i had upset Him re a fancy dancy fax/telephone/copier/printer that He had bought and i didn't know how to work and hadn't found time all week to learn about it /read the manual /or play with it... It kinda blew up when the thing started ringing... and .. well it doesn't really matter what happened.. except that Sir took it apart and it has disappeared from the office... For some time following that Sir had THAT look that spells "god am i in trouble!!!"

i sat thinking for some time yesterday about an age old question that goes around the lists .. the internet.. the blogs.. and even real time discussion groups and munches.... "How does one punish a masochist??" i couldn't shake the thought yesterday that the best way.. very best way.. to punish a masochist is no pain at all.. no touches... no physical contact... By late afternoon i was so despondent i was going through the motions a bit like a robot......... just doing what had to be done........

things improved... by late evening...... and i will post more on that later....with pictures..... but for now.. i am still mulling over how the mind works / reacts when there is little or no physical contact............

i have posted to my photojournal.......

blessed release

Yesterday Sir posted a comment to my blog "Pissy Mood"... He wrote:

Don't worry readers, littleone is going to get it!!!

she will be writing about it later, trust Me...

Sir,Owner of morningstar

and as He said i would write about it.. here i am dutifully posting what happened.........

When Sir arrived i was lying on the sofa in a darkened living room with my eyes closed because the headache i had been fighting all morning had won. When i heard Him come in the house i thought i was going to cry.. i wanted Him to leave.. how could i be His submissive with a headache this big??!!! Funny thing was though.. Sir didn't even stop to talk.. He walked straight downstairs and came back with the dog whip in His hand.. He had me kneel on the floor leaning on the sofa and started right in on my ass.... By the third or fourth stroke my ass was pushing back to welcome the strike of the whip......... and i heard a soft moan coming from deep within me.... Sir didn't intend to leave me propped all comfy against the sofa though.. He soon ordered me up and downstairs.. i went .. sniffling and feeling emotions bubbling up to the surface... wanting to run away and wanting to run down those stairs and string myself up!!! (go figure!)

Sir strung me up with virtually no talking... leaving me in my mind set.. and picked up the toughest flogger we have.. the silver handled sting of a thousand bees flogger and proceeded to go to work on my ass and my thighs.... In my head i heard myself saying harder faster.. there is nothing YOU can give me that can hurt as much as the pain i am feeling inside.... and He did.. and in this beginning stage He asked me (as He always does ) "who loves you?" and i couldn't answer Him.. there were no words in my head.. He would finish with one toy and throw it down and reach for the next one.. He would walk around me and whip at my breasts .. my belly.. my pussy.. my sides.. the only words spoken were orders to "spread your legs wider" and then more pain... i was crying.. great heaving sobs... not from the pain He was giving me.. but all the unhappiness that had built up inside..... (and i know this is something many of you will just not understand... but it is part of who i am.. when the pain gets too much inside.. i crave exterior pain.. pain that on my best days i would never be able to handle.. i need the release the tears give me)

It began to feel like i was caught up in a wind tunnel... the pain was circling my body.. breasts belly sides pussy ass thighs .. there wasn't an inch of my body that wasn't being hit... and i was crying.. everything was bubbling out of me.. and then Sir was behind me pulling my body close to His .. melding it to Him.. and He was stroking me.. and then the pain again.. and then the order to "spread your legs farther apart" and i felt His fingers teasing me.. opening me.. i was moaning.. it hurt.. it never hurts.. but hurt yesterday.. i was as dry as dry could be.. but He coaxed me open and hidding just inside was this spring of wetness that poured down my legs as He thrust in and out of me.. and then before i came He pulled His fingers out of me and coated my ass and thighs in my wetness and picked up the next toy and started with the pain again......

Now my senses were registering smells and wetness and pain... it was as though my musky scent was filling the playroom... my sobs were coming faster and .. the pain.. the pain was ever present. Then the wheel was used .. up and down my back.. caressing my "hot spot" on my lower spine.. then wheeling away and moving over my ass .. down my thighs.. up my inner thighs, around my pussy.. up my belly and down my sides and across my breasts and nipples making me jump and dance and cry .. even as i held my breath for fear the points would puncture my skin.......

The Gorean whip was brought down and used with all the strength that Sir could muster .. i could feel it lick at my ass.. wrap around my thighs and bite into the soft tissue on the inner side...and then i felt Him attach the bull dog clamps to my pussy lips and the whip was smacking against them.. making them bounce and pull and tug... and then it stopped.. it just stopped and as the lights were lowered He said " now you will rest and enjoy" and He was gone .. leaving me to hang from the chains with my legs spread wide .. the pulsing pain from the clamps collapsing all logical reason in my head.. and i was climbing on top of that pain.. and floating on it.. And then the lights were back up and almost simultaneously another strike .. what was used is a great mystery to me.. all the toys had started to meld together.. all the pain was melding into one great wave i was riding.......

and then i felt His body pressing against me again.. holding me close .. bringing me back to Him.. and again the order "to spread your legs" and again His fingers sliding (easier this time) into me and pumping hard and fast into me.. making my juices explode out of me.. but still no orgasm.. more wiping the wetness from his hands across my ass ... and more pain.. whirling around me..

Then i heard the words "who loves you" and this time i could stammer .. "my Sir loves me" and then the "how do you know He loves you" and my stammered soft mumbled answer "because He beats me" ....... and then His fingers were back inside of me and He asked me "do you want to cum" and i didn't know. i couldn't answer.. i was sobbing with the release and He was working me.. touching that secret spot inside me.. coaxing me.. teasing me.. and i could feel the need erupt suddenly out of me .. and i barely gasped out the request to cum before the orgasm was rippling over my body exploding like fireworks in the sky.....

Then i was down .. and curled up on my pillow on the floor upstairs and Sir was covering me with my snuggly and wrapping me up in His arms and holding me safe and tight.. and once again.. all was right with the world...

Later we went out for dinner.. and talked about kids and problems.. and life.. and i was calm and ready to listen...... i was safely wrapped up in His love .. in His caring.. in OUR world together.........

Pissy mood

i am in a pissy mood.... if you expected to read kinky fun stuff.. or happy stuff... hit the button and move on.. cause trust me when i say.. pissy doesn't even come close to describing the mood i am in..................

It all started off with my having these damn high expectations for my last long weekend of the summer........... i have been back at work for over 2 weeks.. i am feeling the stress of trying to keep up with the mountains of paperwork.. the crowds of confused misinformed parents.. and the sad lil faces of some of the kiddies... i wanted three whole days of Sir .. of pain.. of play.. of sex.. of losing myself ....

Then Sir had to work.. so ok.. i will make the most of it.. i will hide away in my secret garden and read and relax......... so ok.. i invited the family for a big family dinner on the one day (stupid stupid me) that Sir and i had together... and then .... Ernesto hit.......... so no sitting outside in my secret garden.. so ok Ernesto turned into both a real rainy aftermath of a hurricane.... and an emotional hurricane (for me) .... instead i get to do housework.. (no tv when there are hurricanes flying around - god bless satellite !)

So here i sit.... pondering some major lessons i have learned so far this weekend.....

1) i do not understand teasing.. any form of teasing..... i am naive and stupid and a goody two shoes who doesn't get sexual innuendos... i have been told there is nothing wrong with sexual innuendos.. i should learn to accept them and trust my Sir... (and i DO trust my Sir.... it is others i don't trust!! once bitten twice shy and all that rubbish) and i am thinking past wounds will never heal and let me trust others again........... sucks to be me (to quote my youngest)

2) that raising children with what i thought were my values and my morals amounts to squat.. they grow up and do pretty much whatever it is they please....... that leave gaping big holes in one's heart...

3) that i feel pretty much inadequate as a mother.. as a submissive ( only pain i got this weekend were punishment swats because i couldn't even remember to turn the collar around on cue or ask permission to enter a room!!)

the rain pounds against the windows... the pain pounds against my heart.. and the housework awaits......... Happy Labour Day Weekend!